No regrets
The one thing Anothony does amazingly well is give me hope. He is constantly pointing out the silver linings when all I see on my own is dark, rain, failure. He makes me want to believe things are possible. He reminds me of why I fight. I've been struggling with so much lately. Trying to rediscover myself, attempting to live on my own while still supporting my children, and learning what it really means to fight for something. And this whole time, he's been stupidly supportive.
I told Anothony last fall I wanted a divorce, and we agreed to try and work out our issues. The problem was there wasn't something to fix. I just flat don't love him...at least not like that. Because I do love the boy; he's my best friend, my rock, my silver lining...he's one of my soul mates. And I wanted that to be enough, it should have been enough, because all the Gods know that boy loved me...loves me still. Completely and unconditionally, and never expected or asked for anything in return. But, I couldn't (wouldn't?) accept it and I don't feel the same.
So...I walked away, again. Only this time, he let me go. After filling me with hope and the belief that I could find someone to love like that. The thought that I could accept a love like that and it wasn't just a fairy tale. All I had to do was stop being so afraid, stop fighting myself, and be OPEN....but most importantly....IF I found it, I can't freak out and close up and run away then.
Thus...here I am today. Deeply, madly, uncontrollably, Completely in love.
At first, I thought maybe it was just a crush. Or attention from someone new. Or...anything really, because "love" doesn't happen like this. It's doesn't happen between complete strangers who have never met face to face, who have next to nothing in common, and it sure as hell doesn't happen this quickly, right? *soft smile* Oh boy was I wrong. lol
Funny thing is, Anothony was convinced that I really did love him and I was just denying it to myself and to him. He was 100% sure that I was lying....until a couple days ago. He happened to be at my house when I answered the phone from Luis. It wasn't a 2 minute chat, but when I hung up, Anothony was crying and he apologized to me. I had no clue wtf he was talking about....but he said he was wrong. After seeing my face, my eyes, hearing my voice talking to Luis...he now knows that I never did love him like that.
Long and short of it is, I've been talking (phone calls, facebook msg and skype) to Luis for about 6 weeks now. Originally, he planned on coming up here to me. Bought a ticket and everything...he was supposed to have landed Sept 25. But, he had an opportunity to go to FL with his dad, brother, son and some friends for 10 days. He would have been gone from Sept 10-19. Then get home and fly up to me. I thought I'd be OK with it. Actually, I encouraged him to go. Granted, he'd have no phone or PC...so I'd get to talk to him very little, if at all....but I'm strong enough to handle that for 10 days, knowing he's going to actually be in my arms soon....right?
Only plans changed....his dad changed his ticket so he's still in FL. Missed his flight to me, and quite honestly I've been a sick fucking mess this past week. Over thinking fucking every little thing, emotions all over the fucking place, crying like a baby...it's been bad. How can I possibly miss someone I have NEVER actually met this fucking much? How can I care about someone this much....it's scary shit.
So...when I found out he wasn't coming up here, I sent him a phone so I could at least text him or talk to him. And, yeah, we chat...but not very often. And I understand it's because he's busy with family and has other stuff going on...it's not like his life revolves around me, as much as I'd like it to. :p But....it's so fucking hard. I've completely lost it at least 3 times this past week. and I ended up yelling at him at least once....
He's flying home tomorrow (he lives in Puerto Rico). He called today while I was at work and I just happened to catch his call. He's not coming up....he's fighting with his ex about his son and he's decided to finish school down there instead of up here because it would be faster (6-9 months instead of 1 year min). So, he asked me to think about what I want....what i want with us, if there is still an us knowing that he's going to be crazy busy and not coming up here for a MINIMUM of 6 months, probably closer to 9. He asks me this at work and then says "and don't get all emotional".....HA.
So the easy thing to do would be to walk away. Hell, if I can't hold my shit together for 3 WEEKS, what in the flying fuck makes me think I can do it for MONTHS??!?!!?! Shit, the *smart* thing to do would be to walk away....use this as my "out". Save myself from possibly being hurt...right?
But, I promised myself one thing: no more regrets. I don't want to look back 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now and have another "I should have..." moment. So, I'm not throwing up the walls, I'm not taking the easy out. I'm trying desperately to not freak out....and i told him I'm not walking away. I fucking love the boy; more than anything. I literally CAN'T walk away....even knowing this is probably going to fucking destroy me...I just can't walk away. I sincerely hope I'm strong enough for this...I fucking pray he gives me the chance....and it's fucking killing me waiting for his reply.