yo-yo or beaten dog? you decide...
Hope is a dangerous thing. It allows people to really believe in something, strive for it...'hope' for it....and when it doesn't happen, if it doesn't work out...you blame Hope. It's a double edged blade if I ever played with one. And like most things you play with, without first taking the proper precautions, it can fucking hurt.
Everything was going so well. It totally fell into the "if it's too good to be true, then it probably is" cliche. Only, this time, instead of being my usual pessimistic self, I believed in Hope. I pushed aside all the normal fears and worries that I would normally use as my shields. All the typical things that I could use as an excuse to run and hide, or blame when things failed. Because that's what I do. Only, this time I didn't.
So things were good and he goes on vacation, and I knew it would be different. Not talking so often, and all that. But something changed. I don't know if it was me freaking out (which I admitted did, but only AFTER things changed drastically), or him coming to a realization (of which I still don't know what it could be), or just...dumb luck. Anyhow...he bought his ticket to come up here and be with me. He was supposed to be here Sept 25. I still have the flight, time, airline, etc. saved in my phone...how fucking pathetic is that?
But plans changed. The trip to FL got extended, he missed his flight to me. I freaked out...we stopped talking. I mean, sure a random text saying "hi" but not really talking anymore. Then he got home and still nothing. Then I start randomly getting messages saying "sorry" but no reason as to why he's sorry or what he thinks he needs to apologize for. Then I'd get stupid messages saying "I really fucked this up didn't I" and no explanation, even if I asked for one.
Then he tells me he's putting himself in a bubble and turning everyone and everything off so that he doesnt hurt anyone and he doesn't get hurt. WTF?....then I got the "worst case scenario, could we still be friends?" Crushing...heartbreak....complete fucking melt-down. It wasn't pretty. So I gave myself a day or so, then forced myself to pull my shit together and I 'flipped a switch". Fine...apparently it wasn't meant to be. We can just be friends. I can do "friends"....I'm a strong person, I can be the "bigger" "better" person and remain his friend, right? HA HA HA AHAhahhhahahahahaa...
So, I've been short but polite. he tells me he still loves me, and this time I don't reply. He shuts down even more, before 2 days later I get a message saying "I supposed I deserved that". What the boy doesn't understand is how badly I really did want to say it back...But I won't let myself. If he's going to hide in his stupid fucking bubble, then I have to start building back up my walls to keep myself as protected as I can.
The problem is...I let in Hope. And Hope is a fickle little bitch who doesn't like to be caved in. So I tell myself that I'm done, that we're just friends....but then I still find myself grinning like an idiot when he randomly calls for no reason, or send me a cute picture just because he knows I'd like it.
And I tell myself to just move on, because I deserve someone who will love me back and not hide in a bubble. My brain keeps saying to walk away...but my heart just won't let me...and as soon as it does. The very fucking second my heart finally tells me "OK, I can let go...." i get in what I think is a stupid argument with him that ends with him telling me he's walking out of the bubble.
And like a yo-yo, I allow myself to be tossed away and jerked back in.
Or like a beaten puppy....I slink away with my tail between my legs, but as soon as you hold out your hand, I come back wagging my tail.
:( And I fucking KNOW that one of these days, that string is going to break....or that hand is going to slap....and yet, I keep going back for more.
Hope. I don't think that word means what I think it means.... :-/
So what do I do when my heart asks for one thing, and my head tells me adamantly to do the other? *sigh* (rhetorical question btw....)
Everything was going so well. It totally fell into the "if it's too good to be true, then it probably is" cliche. Only, this time, instead of being my usual pessimistic self, I believed in Hope. I pushed aside all the normal fears and worries that I would normally use as my shields. All the typical things that I could use as an excuse to run and hide, or blame when things failed. Because that's what I do. Only, this time I didn't.
So things were good and he goes on vacation, and I knew it would be different. Not talking so often, and all that. But something changed. I don't know if it was me freaking out (which I admitted did, but only AFTER things changed drastically), or him coming to a realization (of which I still don't know what it could be), or just...dumb luck. Anyhow...he bought his ticket to come up here and be with me. He was supposed to be here Sept 25. I still have the flight, time, airline, etc. saved in my phone...how fucking pathetic is that?
But plans changed. The trip to FL got extended, he missed his flight to me. I freaked out...we stopped talking. I mean, sure a random text saying "hi" but not really talking anymore. Then he got home and still nothing. Then I start randomly getting messages saying "sorry" but no reason as to why he's sorry or what he thinks he needs to apologize for. Then I'd get stupid messages saying "I really fucked this up didn't I" and no explanation, even if I asked for one.
Then he tells me he's putting himself in a bubble and turning everyone and everything off so that he doesnt hurt anyone and he doesn't get hurt. WTF?....then I got the "worst case scenario, could we still be friends?" Crushing...heartbreak....complete fucking melt-down. It wasn't pretty. So I gave myself a day or so, then forced myself to pull my shit together and I 'flipped a switch". Fine...apparently it wasn't meant to be. We can just be friends. I can do "friends"....I'm a strong person, I can be the "bigger" "better" person and remain his friend, right? HA HA HA AHAhahhhahahahahaa...
So, I've been short but polite. he tells me he still loves me, and this time I don't reply. He shuts down even more, before 2 days later I get a message saying "I supposed I deserved that". What the boy doesn't understand is how badly I really did want to say it back...But I won't let myself. If he's going to hide in his stupid fucking bubble, then I have to start building back up my walls to keep myself as protected as I can.
The problem is...I let in Hope. And Hope is a fickle little bitch who doesn't like to be caved in. So I tell myself that I'm done, that we're just friends....but then I still find myself grinning like an idiot when he randomly calls for no reason, or send me a cute picture just because he knows I'd like it.
And I tell myself to just move on, because I deserve someone who will love me back and not hide in a bubble. My brain keeps saying to walk away...but my heart just won't let me...and as soon as it does. The very fucking second my heart finally tells me "OK, I can let go...." i get in what I think is a stupid argument with him that ends with him telling me he's walking out of the bubble.
And like a yo-yo, I allow myself to be tossed away and jerked back in.
Or like a beaten puppy....I slink away with my tail between my legs, but as soon as you hold out your hand, I come back wagging my tail.
:( And I fucking KNOW that one of these days, that string is going to break....or that hand is going to slap....and yet, I keep going back for more.
Hope. I don't think that word means what I think it means.... :-/
So what do I do when my heart asks for one thing, and my head tells me adamantly to do the other? *sigh* (rhetorical question btw....)