(no subject)
I have a confession. Careful, because I'm pulling out the stops. I need to discuss something that has been building up pressure in my mind for a while now, and I'm going to lay it all out. You've been forewarned.
I seriously want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant and give birth. Very badly. I honestly don't think I can adequately describe this feeling to anyone, if they have ovaries or not. And I've been keeping it (mostly) to myself because I don't understand it. I don't want to burden my friends who have recently had babies with my jealousy. And I'm, frankly, a little ashamed of this new urge. I'm an unmarried college student and I'm in no way economically stable and I'm a feminist who had no problem aborting a pregnancy in the past. So WTF, God? Why?
Despite all of that, just now I read my gf's story of her birth experience, and I burst into tears. I'm not sure why, but I knew that it was time, once my eyes cleared enough, to write. Because I have to find answers.
First of all, this is not about the abortion. I understand just saying it makes such a statement suspect. But I wanted to get it out of the way. That was my first thought, actually, when I realized how deeply I wanted a baby. Was I regretting not going through with that pregnancy? Am I trying to make up for a past mistake? ...let me just think about that again... ... No. That's not it. Short of forcing myself to feel guilty (and believe me, that's possible) I really can't regret the decision I made. I understand that it really was the best decision for myself and that child at that moment in time. It didn't want to be born then, and I couldn't have been any kind of mother. I wasn't upset when I made the decision; I haven't been since, and I'm not now. Granted, I am in a much better place now than I was then, so I might make a different decision now. But that doesn't mean that I want to have a baby because of the decision I made then.
Could it be the media? Is that question seriously crazy or what? But, really, every movie star with working ovaries is having babies, complete with stories on ET about their "bump" and multi-million dollar deals for the baby's first photo. There have been three movies in the past year that have painted pregnancy in the rosiest of rosy lights. I'm talking about 'Waitress,' 'Knocked Up,' and of course 'Juno.' Then again, it wasn't all rosy in 'Waitress,' but it was transformative in the end. Oh, wait. Four, if you count the up-coming 'Baby Mama' or whatever with those women from SNL. Aaanydamnway. Too many movies about how wonderful and magical it is to be pregnant. Is Hollywood influencing me to want a baby? Maybe, since I am a female in our popular culture who watches television. But my cynical tirade kinda cancels that out, right? I mean, it's not like I'm anorexic or bought a Chihuahua a year ago when they were the popular living accessories. So it's not the media, except for maybe a little bit, just reinforcing what is already there.
Am I wanting to have a baby because I want to "keep my man" or somehow solidify our bond? I sure hope not! If you told me about a woman who got pregnant "just to keep him", I would feel sorry for her and suggest that she see a therapist to talk it through. I honestly think that sort of behavior is deplorable at worst and unrealistic at east. A good man would stay, maybe resenting you and the child, and a bad man would just walk out on you. So, as a relationship litmus test, it's pretty extreme. I am religiously taking my birth control, by the way; also not poking holes in condoms or any such nonsense. So, I guess I can rule out "wanting to keep my man." Hmm... a related question might be: Do I think having a baby would magically fix our relationship? I can honestly, rationally say no. We're both working on improving ourselves as human beings right now so that we can be better partners to each other. That's kind of enough to deal with. And it's also why I'm dealing with these feelings in the first place instead of just getting pregnant. Plus, I'd like to think that I'm too pragmatic to believe that a baby would do anything besides complicate our relationship right now. Of course, these feelings aren't necessarily rational, so I can't rule out the "magically fixing relationship" reason entirely. Let's put it next to "media" in the "just a little bit" category.
Here's the real question: Do I really want a baby because three...yes, three...of my good friends have recently given birth? I was able to literally be there through S's pregnancy, and was virtually there through C's because of her excellent blogging skills. They certainly brought these feelings out into the light. I've been unbelievably jealous for nine-plus months. And, let me tell you, jealousy is a difficult emotion for me to recognize, let alone deal with. Especially on this scale. It's strange, too, because I always thought of jealousy as a violent emotion, since it drives women to pull out weaves in bar-fights and suchlike. But this feeling isn't violent, of course. I don't want to hurt my friends or steal their babies or anything crazy; I just want to be like them. I want to feel what they're feeling. Even if that feeling is nauseous or exhausted or in the most extreme pain of your entire life. I just want to become a mother, and hearing their stories makes me intensely jealous. I tried very hard not to let it show because I wanted them to be happy and relaxed, but it was there, lurking, making smiles painful. Not physical pain, of course, but that emotional pain where your chest kind of aches and you want to curl around the empty space. That's part of why I cried, I think, when I read the birth story. Isn't that fucked up? Is it selfish? Or is it just human?
Damn, I don't have the answers yet. Writing this helped a lot, though. It's good to write feelings out. I'm sure that the baby-wanting-jealous-pain will come back, but I think it will have less force. That's a little victory.
I seriously want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant and give birth. Very badly. I honestly don't think I can adequately describe this feeling to anyone, if they have ovaries or not. And I've been keeping it (mostly) to myself because I don't understand it. I don't want to burden my friends who have recently had babies with my jealousy. And I'm, frankly, a little ashamed of this new urge. I'm an unmarried college student and I'm in no way economically stable and I'm a feminist who had no problem aborting a pregnancy in the past. So WTF, God? Why?
Despite all of that, just now I read my gf's story of her birth experience, and I burst into tears. I'm not sure why, but I knew that it was time, once my eyes cleared enough, to write. Because I have to find answers.
First of all, this is not about the abortion. I understand just saying it makes such a statement suspect. But I wanted to get it out of the way. That was my first thought, actually, when I realized how deeply I wanted a baby. Was I regretting not going through with that pregnancy? Am I trying to make up for a past mistake? ...let me just think about that again... ... No. That's not it. Short of forcing myself to feel guilty (and believe me, that's possible) I really can't regret the decision I made. I understand that it really was the best decision for myself and that child at that moment in time. It didn't want to be born then, and I couldn't have been any kind of mother. I wasn't upset when I made the decision; I haven't been since, and I'm not now. Granted, I am in a much better place now than I was then, so I might make a different decision now. But that doesn't mean that I want to have a baby because of the decision I made then.
Could it be the media? Is that question seriously crazy or what? But, really, every movie star with working ovaries is having babies, complete with stories on ET about their "bump" and multi-million dollar deals for the baby's first photo. There have been three movies in the past year that have painted pregnancy in the rosiest of rosy lights. I'm talking about 'Waitress,' 'Knocked Up,' and of course 'Juno.' Then again, it wasn't all rosy in 'Waitress,' but it was transformative in the end. Oh, wait. Four, if you count the up-coming 'Baby Mama' or whatever with those women from SNL. Aaanydamnway. Too many movies about how wonderful and magical it is to be pregnant. Is Hollywood influencing me to want a baby? Maybe, since I am a female in our popular culture who watches television. But my cynical tirade kinda cancels that out, right? I mean, it's not like I'm anorexic or bought a Chihuahua a year ago when they were the popular living accessories. So it's not the media, except for maybe a little bit, just reinforcing what is already there.
Am I wanting to have a baby because I want to "keep my man" or somehow solidify our bond? I sure hope not! If you told me about a woman who got pregnant "just to keep him", I would feel sorry for her and suggest that she see a therapist to talk it through. I honestly think that sort of behavior is deplorable at worst and unrealistic at east. A good man would stay, maybe resenting you and the child, and a bad man would just walk out on you. So, as a relationship litmus test, it's pretty extreme. I am religiously taking my birth control, by the way; also not poking holes in condoms or any such nonsense. So, I guess I can rule out "wanting to keep my man." Hmm... a related question might be: Do I think having a baby would magically fix our relationship? I can honestly, rationally say no. We're both working on improving ourselves as human beings right now so that we can be better partners to each other. That's kind of enough to deal with. And it's also why I'm dealing with these feelings in the first place instead of just getting pregnant. Plus, I'd like to think that I'm too pragmatic to believe that a baby would do anything besides complicate our relationship right now. Of course, these feelings aren't necessarily rational, so I can't rule out the "magically fixing relationship" reason entirely. Let's put it next to "media" in the "just a little bit" category.
Here's the real question: Do I really want a baby because three...yes, three...of my good friends have recently given birth? I was able to literally be there through S's pregnancy, and was virtually there through C's because of her excellent blogging skills. They certainly brought these feelings out into the light. I've been unbelievably jealous for nine-plus months. And, let me tell you, jealousy is a difficult emotion for me to recognize, let alone deal with. Especially on this scale. It's strange, too, because I always thought of jealousy as a violent emotion, since it drives women to pull out weaves in bar-fights and suchlike. But this feeling isn't violent, of course. I don't want to hurt my friends or steal their babies or anything crazy; I just want to be like them. I want to feel what they're feeling. Even if that feeling is nauseous or exhausted or in the most extreme pain of your entire life. I just want to become a mother, and hearing their stories makes me intensely jealous. I tried very hard not to let it show because I wanted them to be happy and relaxed, but it was there, lurking, making smiles painful. Not physical pain, of course, but that emotional pain where your chest kind of aches and you want to curl around the empty space. That's part of why I cried, I think, when I read the birth story. Isn't that fucked up? Is it selfish? Or is it just human?
Damn, I don't have the answers yet. Writing this helped a lot, though. It's good to write feelings out. I'm sure that the baby-wanting-jealous-pain will come back, but I think it will have less force. That's a little victory.