Roo'verse FIC: Compromises (2/3)

[tzzzz]

Part 1

NOW

Cam was amazed at the transformation that had taken place in the city over the past six years. What had once been a military outpost was now an intercultural mecca, a center for trade and education for people from the many different worlds of Pegasus. They weren’t yet at their goal of having full-time residents from other worlds, but rather than a city warship, Atlantis had become a symbol of hope and aspirations of transforming the galaxy now that the Wraith threat was no more.

Cam wished he could say that it was all his achievement, but in reality he had done very little to achieve it. It had been John’s vision and drive and Richard’s handling of the politics back on Earth that had made it happen. The only thing Cam contributed was to help defeat the Wraith.

Well, that and unknowingly cause the situation that put John in the position to have a vision for Pegasus. Ironically, when Cam thought about it, all of this was the result of Cam’s decision to seduce John one fateful night. If Cam and John hadn’t hooked up and John hadn’t carried Dane, then John never would have been on light duty and Cam never would have come to Pegasus, which meant that it would have been business as usual with John in charge of military matters and Dr. Weir in charge of civilian affairs. But the shakeup caused by John’s incubation and Cam’s appointment made the IOA see an opportunity to set its own stooge to lead the expedition. They split the role of civilian leader into two separate jobs - offworld relations and city management. John had fought bitterly to keep Dr. Weir on out of loyalty, even though they had always clashed, but once he finally accepted his role as essentially a diplomat (something Rodney was still laughing about) he had jumped in head first.

Instead of approaching it from the angle of trying to get as much out of the resources of Pegasus for the expedition and for Earth, he instead tried to make Atlantis a useful and necessary part of society in Pegasus, finding creative ways for the people of Pegasus to use the resources that Atlantis had to offer. Now, instead of wandering onto other worlds looking for allies and Ancient technology and getting shot at in the process, people came to the city looking for alliances and asking for assistance exploring and utilizing whatever the Ancients had left behind on their worlds. The expedition staff had quadrupled in size just to be able to process everything that came to them. And as the first children to live in the City, Dane and Max opened the doorway to Atlantis taking on the role of a true colony and forced the expedition to step up its city exploration mission and make the whole city, not just small areas, truly habitable.

Dane had been a mistake, one that, in retrospect, was a result of frustration and obsession and entirely the wrong kind of unrequited love. But he was the best mistake Cam and John could have ever made.

Cam was relieved to reach their quarters - Dane was drooling on his shoulder by that time. But Cam was grateful that his son was still at the age where he could be carried around like a ragdoll whenever he was asleep. He hadn’t wanted to leave his daddy and had ended up falling asleep next to John on the couch about five minutes after John had said he could watch one episode of Star Trek with his parents. Both John and Rodney were grateful that they didn’t have to deal with Dane in addition to the painful process of John moving up to their bed (after Cam told John he couldn’t call up the Bellerophon and have himself beamed into bed after he’d whined at Cam that morning to help him to the couch against Cam’s better judgment).

Cam spotted a blonde head of hair from the back of the couch as he and Dane entered, taking Dane straight to his room and tucking him into bed. When he emerged, Jennifer was already putting away her iPad in accord with their moratorium on work taking up family time. Cam couldn’t hold in the smile when she came over to kiss him. Even in pajama pants and her ratty old Mayo Clinic Residency sweatshirt, Jennifer was still the most gorgeous thing Cam had ever seen and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was. He pulled her up against him, deepening the kiss until she giggled and pushed him away, looking over at Dane’s room nervously.

Cam rolled his eyes at her shyness. Yes, getting caught in the act a few days ago had been traumatic for all parties, but, “Do you think that John and Rodney never make out when the boys are around? Trust me, there’s nothing scandalous about me giving my wife the coming home kiss she deserves.”

Jennifer blushed a little, made more embarrassed by her own embarrassment. Cam found it adorable and kissed her on the nose for punctuation. “Where’s Professor Dex?” he asked. “I would have thought he’d at least come home to devour the rest of the leftover meatloaf from last night.”

Jennifer laughed. “His trainees haven’t finished the tracking course he set for them yet. I called him on the radio and he said that on Sateda trainees wouldn’t be allowed to sleep until they had completed their instructor’s test and hung up on me. I’m pretty sure he was saying that more for their benefit than mine.”

“And now they all know that they’re standing between Ronon and his hot young wife and refined old husband and there’s going to be hell to pay.”

Jennifer punched Cam playfully on the arm. “Refined? Not the word I would use to describe you, sweetie. If I were them, I’d be more worried about standing between our husband and the meatloaf.”

Cam sat down on the couch, pulling Jennifer into his lap. “Oh? What word would you use to describe me, then?”

“Handsome. Sexy. Adorable. Smart. Experienced.” She followed each word with a kiss, running her fingers up under Cam’s shirt as she spoke. “Late.” He pinched her ass in retaliation. “Sassy,” Jennifer added with a laugh.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Rodney got carried away explaining to Dane why the stars twinkle and then he wanted to spend time with John. He missed his dad, so I just waited for him to fall asleep before coming back.”

“Mmmm. I guess I’ll have to add ‘good parent’ to the list, too. Even if you are home late.” They kissed gently for a little while longer before Jennifer pulled back. There was clearly something on her mind, but Jennifer always needed a little warm-up before she brought things up. She slid off his lap to cuddle against his side, a clear signal that the conversation was about to turn serious. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Rodney lately. Do we need to worry?”

Cam couldn’t help the inelegant guffaw that came out in response to that. He really hoped that wasn’t what had Jennifer worried. If it was, he’d have to start re-evaluating his estimation of her intelligence. “In the eight-odd years that I’ve known Rodney McKay I have not for a single second thought I might like to have sex with him. This thing with John’s back has both me and Rodney really worried. I’ve been trying to help out, that’s all.”

“You’re not a member of their marriage, Cam,” Jennifer reminded him. That ship had long since sailed. “You’re not obligated to solve their problems for them.”

“No, but we do share custody of Dane and they are my friends.” Cam’s relationship with the McKay-Sheppards had always been a sore point with Jennifer. She hadn’t even agreed to go out with Cam until he could convince her that he was over his romantic feelings for John and even though she loved Dane, she had always struggled with the stepmother role in a way Ronon didn’t. “Look, if they have problems, Dane has problems, which means I have problems, and by extension, we have problems.”

“Oh, Cam, you can’t fix everyone and everything. Sometimes you have to focus on what’s yours.” Even though Cam knew she was right, so many years of dedicating himself to Air Force and its mission had trained him to think of the good of the unit before he thought of himself. Since Dane emerged, Cam had been better - taking more off days, delegating more, cultivating a network of friends who would support him if he had to drop what he was doing and leave Dane to whoever he could find in the middle of a crisis, which for some reason seemed to end up with Dane getting babysat by the botany team more often than not. But now that his spouses were trying for another kid, Cam admitted that he needed to shift his focus and trust John and Rodney to keep their house in order.

But he found himself oddly reluctant to let go in this particular case and if he dug down deep, he knew why. “I’m sorry, Jennifer. You’re right, of course.” That was one of the reasons Cam loved Jenn. As much as she loved the man she married, she always held Cam to higher expectations that helped him aspire to be a better man, the way his drive to succeed in the Air Force once had forced him to meet high expectations professionally. “But this particular situation drags up bad memories. You have no idea how scared I was after John had that Pasteur rupture - seeing him battered and bruised and worrying constantly about both his health and Dane’s. I know that there’s a lot less risk now and it’s not my baby this time around, but seeing him incubating and laid up is dredging up some old protective instincts that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t know if I should shake them.”

Jennifer considered it for a moment. “That’s fair. Like you said, we’ve got a kind of symbiotic relationship with John and Rodney because of Dane and Max, and I’d prefer that you are a little too close to them rather than have you be in some nasty custody struggle.” Cam liked how reflective Jennifer was about her decisionmaking. She said it was a result of being put on probation for sharing confidential medical information with Ronon - the information that Cam was more than grateful for, because it made him aware that John was carrying his child. Cam preferred to believe that Jennifer would have grown into the strong but wise woman she was now even without that humiliating kick in the pants.

“So you’re okay with me being a little more involved with the McKay-Sheppards at least until John is back on his feet?”

“So long as you don’t forget about us.”

Cam leaned over to kiss her. “You really think I could forget about you, darlin’?”

Cam would prefer to end the discussion back in the bedroom, teaching Ronon a lesson about what he’d miss out on if he kept staying late in a tropical jungle on the mainland just to spite his trainees, but Jennifer obviously wasn’t finished. She pulled back from the kiss, looking away from Cam when she murmured, “I just wonder: do you think you made the right decision when you turned down John’s proposal?”

“Jenn, I thought we were past this. I love you and Ronon. There’s nobody I would rather be with, even Dane’s father. If I had to choose between you guys and John and Rodney, I’d pick you a thousand times over.”

“I do know that, Cam. I wouldn’t have married you if even for a second I thought otherwise. But that’s not what I asked. I asked if you think it was the right decision at the time, not if you’d make a different choice now.”

Cam frowned. “I guess these are the perils of being married to a genius. I’m sorry, but I don’t follow, sweetheart.”

“I mean, you ended up moving to Atlantis to follow John anyway. The three of you are surprising cooperative co-parents. You balance each other and I think that if John and Rodney didn’t have you in their lives, even though you’re not their husband, both their relationship and their parenting skills would be worse off for it. And now you not only voluntarily spend time alone with Rodney, but you’re actually friends. Leaving aside the fact that we never would have gotten together if you hadn’t rejected the proposal, don’t you think you could’ve been happy married to John and Rodney?”

Cam thought about it. He was very happy with his relationship with John and Rodney now. Once he’d been able to put down the hurt and the anger, he’d been able to focus on being a good donor to Dane and on having a good relationship with his co-parents. Realizing that even if John loved him, he would never be in love with him the way he was with Rodney and had been with Leo had hurt more than anything that had ever happened to Cam, but it forced him to face the fact that sometimes beautiful, fairy tale unrequited love would always remain unrequited. With Jennifer and Ronon, Cam had learned that it was more romantic to cultivate love together with people who also dreamed of a shared future.

“I think that if I had accepted, we’d all still be great parents. I would have eventually grown to tolerate and even like Rodney for the sake of the marriage. Maybe we would have eventually been able to sleep together, maybe even conceive a kid together. But I don’t think I’d be anywhere near as happy as I am with the two of you and I don’t think my relationship with John and Rodney would be as strong as it is now even with marriage propping it up. John would have loved both of us, but Rodney and I would probably have both been too insecure to see that. Even if we grew to enjoy each other, I don’t think that amount of insecurity in a relationship is healthy and I don’t think it ever would have gone away. That’s no way to live.”

“But you’d have John.”

“I’m not sure John’s the prize I thought he was. Don’t get me wrong, John’s one of my best friends and he’s still a very attractive man, but he put me through hell and I was too blinded by my desire to win him over to see it. I don’t doubt that he really thought he was doing me a favor by offering to marry me, but his choice wasn’t really the choice to have both - it was a choice to pick Rodney.”

Jennifer frowned, and Cam cursed the fact that he found even her frowns cute. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and the truth is that John wanted to marry me because he wanted to marry the donor of his kid - that’s what nobles do. If he had wanted me as a husband, he would never have bothered with Rodney in the first place or he would have called it off with him. If you get knocked up by someone who you love and want, the path is clear. The fact that he didn’t ask me if he could include Rodney in the relationship before conceiving Max meant that he’d chosen Rodney. Asking me to marry him at that point was asking me if I wanted to join him and Rodney in a relationship. It was his relationship with Rodney that was non-negotiable. Rodney was his choice. Being equal partners the way you and Ronon and I are was never on the table. Being married to John the way Rodney is, being together, heart and soul and lineage, that is a prize, but that’s not what I was offered and it’s not what I would have had. I would have with John what I have now only with sex and that’s not enough. I sure as hell know that now, but I had an inkling of it then.”

Jennifer nodded, smiling. “So there’s no regrets?”

“None at all. I love you and I’m starting to get really mad at Ronon’s trainees because I want to show you exactly how in love with both of you I am.”

***

THEN

John and McKay had been surprisingly respectful to Cam both during and after the ceremony. McKay sat obediently in the audience with SG1, made quiet small talk with John’s family and avoided Cam like the plague. John helped Cam practice his part of the ceremony, sitting on the other side of the wide dining room table with a hand on his belly and no cheat-sheet. Cam wondered when and why John had memorized the Registration ceremony, but he hadn’t felt in the mood to ask. John was obediently giving Cam his space, but the little hopeful glances that he kept shooting Cam when Cam wasn’t looking just served to remind Cam that in looking out for his own future, he would be robbing John of his happy ending. Not that John deserved a happy ending more than Cam did, but it still made Cam feel guilty that he couldn’t be like O’Neill’s ex-husband or like Alexi and marry a man who wasn’t in love with him for the sake of their family.

After the departure of all the guests, most of whom were fellow Potentia Guild members or business partners of Sheppard Industries, Cam found John in the family library. The library was all rich woods and shelves upon shelves of old hardbound books that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a museum or a Harry Potter film. John was standing on a raised dais that housed the alcove containing the family history. Someone had already returned the family pedigree to its place in a large display case that hung on the back wall of the alcove. It only encompassed the past five generations, but still the gold leafed emblems, family watermark and intricate calligraphy that depicted generations of Sheppards - and now included Cam - made for an impressive, imposing sight. John had opened a glass case that resided beneath the pedigree. It was an ancient looking tome that Cam thought he recognized from the ceremony.

John smiled when he noticed Cam. It was an uncharacteristically soft expression from John, almost tender. “Come over here, Cam.”

Cam obeyed, letting John tuck him underneath his arm as he reached out with a white-gloved hand to flip the book to another page. “This is our copy of the family genealogy,” John said. “It contains all the Potentia Guild Registered Sheppards tracing back to the seventeenth century. The book itself only dates back to the 1890s and has been handed down to the first child to carry since then. This book will be mine once my father passes away.” He gestured to three other books in glass cases that ringed the alcove. “That one is my mother’s copy of the Townsend genealogy for Dave and that’s Alexi’s book and Darren’s.” Cam noted that the book had no family map. Instead it was just a list of names crammed onto each page with nothing more than a date next to them. “Just in this generation alone there are more than five thousand Sheppards in our guild. My father has the book updated at the guild congress each year.”

Cam expected John to look on all of this meaningless stuff with disdain, but he looked almost wistful. “It’s not really important anymore, with the electronic guild database.”

“John--” Cam began.

John whipped around as quickly as his current condition would allow, grabbing Cam’s hands. “I’m happy you’re a part of this, Cam. It’s all old stuffy meaningless tradition, but it’s our old stuffy meaningless tradition.”

Cam couldn’t help but smile at the sentimental side of John that he’d never seen before. It was nice to see that there was something romantic and nostalgic hiding beneath John’s steely determination to set himself apart. “I guess I’m happy to have my name on that piece of paper, too,” Cam acknowledged, “if it means that Dane will have access to the benefits of nobility.”

“Dane will have only the best. We’ll make sure of it, Cam.” There was something shining and manic in John’s eyes. Cam wasn’t sure he liked the look.

“John--” Cam tried again, ignoring the hopeful way that John stared into his eyes. He needed to tell John now. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand his ground if John kept looking at him like that.

“Marry me, Cam. Marry me and raise our son with me.” John leaned forward, expecting a kiss. When he didn’t receive one he joked, “C’mon, Mitchell, don’t leave me hanging.”

Cam squeezed John’s hands, taking a deep, bracing breath. He could do this. “John, I love you. I’m so head over heels stupid in love with you that it hurts.”

John smiled, trying to pull Cam in for a kiss. The happiness in his eyes felt like a gunshot wound.

“But this isn’t what I want,” Cam insisted. “If I marry you and we take Rodney as a secundus, it will kill me. Maybe I’ll be happy for a while because I won’t have to let you go, but it’ll kill me by inches over the long run having to share you.”

John didn’t seem to even hear the rejection, pushing on, trying to persuade Cam of something that he just couldn’t feel in his gut was right. “But group marriages are normal. They’ve worked for hundreds of years, so much so that now even plebs are starting to pick up on them. You might feel jealous now, but that will pass.” John gave him an encouraging smile. “Once we all commit to each other we’ll find an equilibrium that works for us.”

“Look, the fact that you can’t understand how this makes me feel is proof of why we can’t be together,” Cam snapped. He had come here intending to put his anger aside, but instead of releasing like a pressure valve with the decision, John’s denials continued to fuel the fire of the rage that Cam realized had been simmering ever since John told him about his relationship with Rodney McKay. “You haven’t once considered my feelings the whole time we’ve been doing this. You’ll take my support and you’ll take my love, but you don’t respect me. If you did, you would have talked to me about this before you and Rodney tried to conceive another kid.”

“Like you’ve considered my feelings and what I wanted?” John yelled, pulling away. “Like you thought about what I wanted before you conveniently got me drunk and didn’t use any protection? Like you’ve kept me all cooped up in your house to protect your baby? Like you’re forcing all your stupid pleb values onto me and making my son a bastard by refusing to marry me?” John massaged his belly as though it was the baby hurting him, not just Cam.

Cam had thought of the time they’ve spent together as magical - reaffirming their friendship and deepening the bond between them. But somehow, the anger felt better, finally letting John know exactly how much he’d hurt Cam over the years. The second Cam had let that small amount of anger through - stopped being the perfect, supportive friend and donor - he couldn’t seem to stop. “I’ve done nothing but do right by you as you trod all over me! I wanted you from the first time we met, but I respected your relationship with Leo and didn’t try for more. I was a good friend to you when you two almost broke up instead of taking the opportunity. I was there for you after he died and I was there for you when you got pushed out of Atlantis. Yes, I was happy to finally be free to seduce you, but you let yourself be seduced. I fucked up by not wearing a condom, but you didn’t exactly stop me.”

“I shouldn’t have had to stop you!” John shouted. Cam hadn’t for a second considered that John might be harboring just as much repressed anger as Cam. “You knew I was an imperial and you could’ve fucking figured out that even if we were going to start a lifelong relationship with a drunken fuck, I wouldn’t want to have a baby from the first time I fucked you!”

Had this been bothering John all along? Cam was tempted to think it was Rodney trying to poison John against him, but the hurt in John’s eyes was genuine. Maybe this was why John always seemed to be holding himself back with Cam.

Cam grabbed John’s hands again, forcing him to stop the fidgeting movement against his belly. John was shaking with anger, and Cam forced himself to take a few slow breaths in hopes of calming John. He looked John straight in the eye. “John, I know that carrying and all of the restrictions of doing it, on your career, on your life, make you feel powerless and you’re looking for someone to blame. You can blame me, because, yes, I wasn’t as careful as I should have been, but you can’t think that this was all some plan of mine to force you to be with me. Don’t punish me for an outcome I didn’t intend.”

John nodded, taking another gasping breath to calm himself. “I don’t really think that you were conspiring to knock me up and I know that the decision to go through with the incubation was a decision I made knowing how many things I’d have to give up, but I’m the only one who has to suffer the consequences of what I admit was a joint mistake. Don’t you owe it to me to compromise what you want so that we can give the kid a good home?”

“He’ll have a good home, John, whether I marry you or not. Marry Rodney, give Dane a pouchmate. I’ve already sacrificed plenty and I’ll sacrifice more for our son. I’ve stood by you, loving you when you didn’t return those feelings. I haven’t pressured you or taken advantage of you, just loved you and our son.”

John looked down at his rounded belly, sighing. “Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t make them obligated to love you back. You were never entitled to more, Cam.”

“So why dangle it in front of me like a prize, then? Why promise me love and a family when you’ll never be in love with me? You don’t have to blackmail me into doing right by Dane. I’ll do that no matter what.”

John looked stricken, his eyes watering and his cheeks flushed. “I’m not trying to blackmail you, Cam. I do love you. You’re right, you have been a true friend to me all these years and you take such good care of me. These past months have made me realize how much I need you in my life. I can’t love you the way you want to be loved. And don’t think I haven’t tried. Don’t punish me for something I didn’t intend. Raise our son with me.” John pressed Cam’s hand against his belly where he could feel the neonate shifting minutely. He had a desperate, pleading look in his eyes, but the stubborn jut of his jaw said that John would fight until he ran out of ammunition, as usual. “I don’t want to let you go.” That was probably the longest emotional confession Cam had ever heard from John. He was frankly surprised John was even capable of it. But as heartfelt as it was, it was still about John and what Cam could do for him, not about what they could do together.

“It’s not about what you want, John. It’s about what we want, which means you have to consider what I want. I want to marry you and only you. Can you give me that?”

John’s eyes were shining with tears, his hands wrapped around his belly protectively. Both of them were trembling with anticipation for his answer. Cam cursed his stupid heart for still holding out hope. After long moments, John finally shook his head.

“Then you and I are done here,” Cam said, ignoring John’s shell-shocked expression. He’d known all along that John wouldn’t pick him over Rodney, but the rejection still hurt. Of all the many times John had rejected him, this was the first one Cam truly felt. He turned and put his jacket back on and headed out the door, not wanting to give John the satisfaction of seeing how much this hurt him. He’d already put his bags in the car, but Cam felt so weak-kneed that he didn’t think he had it in him to drive all the way back to DC. He’d check into a hotel in town and drown his sorrows in mini-bar liquor and ESPN. It was raining out, the grey of winter lingering in the sky. Cam thought it fit his mood.

What he wasn’t expecting was for John to come running after him down the drive, almost knocking him over when he threw himself into Cam’s arms, clinging tight. “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go. I said I’d marry you, please don’t abandon us. I tried to do what you wanted. We can all be happy. Don’t leave.”

John’s face was coated with tears. He seemed almost hysterical. Maybe he misunderstood. “I’m not going to abandon you and Dane, John,” Cam spoke slowly. The wrecked expression on John’s face made the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. “I told you before, I will do anything for my son. My relationship with you doesn’t change that. But you’ve just broken my heart, so at least do me the courtesy of letting me go to lick my wounds in peace. My leave is over so you can either go back to Atlantis like you originally planned, or you can stay here with your family. Or, hey, you’re a free man - you can go wherever you want. You have my number and the SGC emergency line. If there’s a problem with the baby, I promise I will come for you wherever you are as fast as humanly possible, but I can barely stand to look at you right now, so go back in the house before you catch a cold.”

“No, Cam. No.” John was sobbing now. His legs seemed to collapse from under him, the only thing keeping him out of the muddy grass was his white-knuckled grip on Cam’s coat. “Don’t leave me,” he repeated over and over again.

As touching as this display of emotion from usually stoic, John ‘feelings, what feelings?’ Sheppard, Cam was forced to remind himself that it was still all just a tantrum by John, trying to get what he wanted. Cam tried to dislodge John’s grip without being too rough with him - a difficult task when John was a strong, combat-trained limpet.

“John, this is crazy. Let me go.”

That only made John cry out and cling tighter, dropping to the ground and latching on to Cam’s ankles. Now Cam was starting to get scared. This was beyond uncharacteristic for John; it was edging into psychosis. In fact, it reminded Cam of when John had been labor sick.

“Shit,” Cam swore. Even though he really was finally sick of John Sheppard and all his bullshit, there was no way he’d leave an incubating man in hysterics out in the rain. Only when he tried to pull John up, promising that he wouldn’t leave him did he notice that John wasn’t even wearing any shoes. This was not good.

Cam made more soothing noises, stroking John’s back and guiding him back towards the house. Cam could easily lift a man John’s size in a fireman’s carry, but he was too heavy for Cam to carry in a way that wouldn’t hurt the baby. “Come on, help me get you inside. I’m not going to let you go. I promise.”

One of the many Sheppard family employees rushed to open the door when she saw Cam and John stumble down the path. “Call one of those Guild doctors,” Cam ordered her, “and have Dave meet us upstairs.”

“Take him to one of the downstairs guestrooms,” she replied. “At the end of this hallway. I’ll call the doctor.”

Cam wasted no time pulling off John’s wet clothes and running a warm bath to help get the mud off. John’s skin was cold even though he was sweating, and his arms trembled as he kept trying to push himself closer to Cam. Cam ended up half in the tub trying to get him warm and clean.

Darren came in as Cam was struggling to towel John dry while John kept clinging to Cam’s wet clothes. “Dave’s at work. I called him and he’s on his way back. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Cam admitted, grateful when Darren pulled John away from him long enough to get him into one of the thick terrycloth robes hanging on the back of the door. In the moment’s reprieve, Cam pulled his sopping wet clothes off and got the other robe on. “We were having an argument and he just had a meltdown.”

They manhandled John into bed, pulling out all the spare blankets to put on top of him. John’s mantra of begging Cam not to leave continued in a quiet murmur. “Is it possible to have labor sickness when you’re not, you know, in labor?”

Darren frowned. “I’ve never heard of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Why don’t you hop in there with him. I’ll get you some clothes and receive the doctor.”

“My suitcase is in the trunk of the car,” Cam admitted, ashamed. He knew that he was doing absolutely nothing wrong by leaving, but John’s desperate babble and the way he clutched Cam was incriminating. Darren looked surprised, but he was gracious enough not to ask.

Cam let John wrap his arms around him even though it made him feel worse and worse by the minute. What was he doing here, catering to John’s whims once again? Why couldn’t John just let Cam have the last word for once, let him walk away from this mess with his last shred of dignity? Cam reminded himself that whatever this was must be medical, because there was no way John’s pride would allow him to do something like this.

The doctor arrived surprisingly quickly. She was a wizened old woman with her grey hair pulled back into a long immaculate braid that ran down her back. She wouldn’t have looked out of place carrying one of those old-style doctor’s bags.

She snatched the covers away from John, whose eyes widened as he grabbed onto Cam’s bicep hard enough to bruise. She took her time examining him, taking his pulse and temperature, palpitating his abdomen, moving her stethoscope around John’s belly in search of the baby’s heartbeat. With a decisive nod she pulled out a pill bottle, shook one out and handed it to Cam. “Get him to take that.”

“What is it? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s a panic attack and that’s a Valium.” She seemed perturbed to have to provide even that small description.

“It won’t hurt the baby?”

“No more than what could happen if he continues like this,” she gestured to the way every muscle in John’s body seemed to be tensed and shaking.

In the end, Cam ended up just tossing the tiny pill down John’s throat the way he’d done with his old dog. The doctor nodded her approval.

The pill seemed to take effect only ten minutes afterwards. John relaxed, but still held onto Cam as he slowly drifted into exhausted sleep.

The doctor motioned to Cam to get up and follow her outside where Darren and Dave were already waiting. Dave looked worried, his usually immaculate suit was wrinkled from when he’d been embracing Darren. Cam was glad that Dave wasn’t kept abreast of the day to day dangers of John’s job. Darren was calm and unflappable, but he was watching the doctor like a hawk, awaiting her pronouncement.

“Your fiance,” she said to Cam. He didn’t bother to correct her. “Is suffering from a severe panic attack. I take it this behavior is unusual for him?”

They all nodded.

She looked down at a file with John’s name on it and the Potentia Guild’s crest. “This is his first child, so it could be brought on by the associated stress of bringing a new life into the world. It’s not uncommon for first time carriers to develop mild symptoms of an anxiety disorder. But it also says that he has had a long career in the military and a recent note filed by Doctor Carson Beckett says that he was in an accident in which he broke his arm not long before he transferred?”

“A plane crash,” Cam offered.

Dave looked horrified.

“Well with the number of combat hours listed in this file, I’d be surprised if he didn’t suffer from some form of stress disorder and a plane crash is certainly catalyst enough.”

“He’s been in a lot of plane crashes,” Cam countered, making Dave’s expression even worse. “Are you sure this couldn’t be some kind of labor sickness? We were arguing and suddenly he was grabbing me and begging me not to leave over and over again like you saw.”

“Does he look like he’s in labor, boy?” the doctor snapped. “That was a textbook panic attack if I ever saw one. Does he have any reason to be panicked about your departure?”

Cam looked at Darren guiltily, but before he could speak up, Dave announced, “He lost his previous fiance and a neonate at the same time during a mission in Afghanistan.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” she asked. “I’m just the doc on housecall duty for this district, but I suggest you get an appointment with one of our psychiatrists to follow up. Too much stress at this stage can reduce milk production and leave the child underdeveloped.”

Cam nodded absently. Dave had already whipped out his Blackberry and was scrolling through the names of guild psychiatrists. The doctor pulled Cam aside while Dave put in a call to the guild concierge.

“Look, son, obviously whatever this is centers around his fear, however irrational it might be, that he’ll lose you the way he lost his previous fiance, so stay around him if you can, at least until you can talk with an expert and get this under control.”

Cam agreed, swallowing down the the lump in his throat. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t get sucked in again to playing the loving husband when that’s not what he would ever be. “And if I absolutely cannot stay?” He hated himself the moment he said it.

The old doctor narrowed her eyes in judgment. “Then make sure he has someone to take care of him. Also, I forgot to ask you, have the two of you had unprotected sex recently?”

John and Cam hadn’t, because John would only do that with Cam by accident. “No we haven’t. Why?”

“Well, a lot of couples start thinking about giving their child a pouchmate at this stage and sometimes the second conception combined with the hormones for milk production throw a carrier for a loop. If that’s the case, he should settle down in a week or so.”

She walked off to check on John a final time and settle the paperwork for the visit with Dave.

Cam didn’t want to go far in case John woke up, so he found his way back to the house’s old library, staring at the high bookcases and listening to the somber pitter patter of the rain. He pulled out his phone and dialed the SGC switchboard.

“Mitchell, telephone access code zero, zero, six, alpha, bravo, niner. Colonel Carter please?”

It took a minute for the call to connect to Sam’s radio frequency so Cam paced anxiously.

“Cam?” she finally answered, sounding happy to hear from him. “How are things going? Did you make your decision?”

“Yes I did, but that’s not why I’m calling.”

“Oh?”

“I wanted to ask you a favor. Is McKay still there by any chance?”

“As a matter of fact he is. He stopped by the Ancient technology lab and saw something he didn’t like on the whiteboard. He’s been harassing Bill Lee for the past two hours about a assigning a few assistants to him so he can figure it out. Personally, I think it’s a delay tactic so he doesn’t have to go back to Atlantis without you and Sheppard, but Jack doesn’t seem in a hurry to ship him off either.”

“Can you tell him to get his suitcase and meet me at the beam-in site in half an hour? Oh, and make sure he brings an umbrella.”

“I can arrange that.”

“Thanks, Sam, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Wait, Cam, what’s going--”

Cam hung up before he’d have to answer her.

Cam had hoped to discreetly grab his coat and sneak back with McKay before anyone was the wiser, but as soon as he stepped out the kitchen entrance he found Darren waiting for him, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the trunk of an old oak tree whose leaves shielded him from the rain.

“Fine, you caught me. I’m not going to ever be a part of your family and I’m not going to marry John and I don’t even have the strength to stay when me leaving gives him a goddamned panic attack. Go ahead and judge me.”

Darren nodded to himself, as though receiving congratulations from an invisible stranger. “I suspected as much.”

“Well isn’t that great for you?” Cam shouted, knowing he was being an asshole to a guy who’d been nothing but welcoming to him, but he felt rubbed raw by the events of today. His whole world had come crashing down and instead of picking right back up and charging forward like he always did, he just wanted one moment to himself so he could fester in the rubble. “Everyone thinks they know what’s best for me when nothing’s best. There are no good choice.”

Darren moved closer, slinging an arm around Cam’s shoulders and holding his umbrella over both their heads. “Hey, man, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I didn’t make the same choice as you did and I don’t know many of us nobles who would, but if you’ve decided it’s a compromise you can’t live with, then don’t.”

“It’s not a compromise I can’t live with. It’s that I can’t live with compromise.”

Darren considered that for a moment. “I feel you. Also, mind if I borrow that? For a song, maybe.”

“Sure. Won’t make me feel any better, though.”

“I don’t expect it will. I doubt anything I could say will make you feel better at this point.”

“Well, if you’re not here to stop me and you’re not here to try to make me feel better, then why are you here?”

“To let you know that no matter what happens with you and John, you put your name in our Registry and that means we’re family now. I don’t think John will try to keep Dane away from you, but if for any reason you need us to intercede, you call me. It may look like a bunch of old traditionalist bullcrap to you and you might never want to set foot in another guild club or deal with any more stiff, prejudiced noblemen who look down on you for being who you are, but the real reason the guilds exist, the reason they started, is to create a family that reaches out its arms into the future. Your name is inscribed in the family tree and it means that we’ll protect you.”

Cam didn’t really have an answer for Darren. He still didn’t understand any of the noble traditions that had reached into the future to make John the way he was. Maybe what John meant by marriage and family was completely different than what it meant to Cam, and maybe that had been the problem all along.

Cam reached out and shook Darren’s hand. It was the only thing he could do.

Rodney was scowling, standing under a pink umbrella at the beam-in site. “You’re late,” he said, simmering. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? You tell Carter I need to beam in and then you just leave me by the side of the road, in the rain by the way, waiting for you.”

“Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want,” Cam grit out. He had no idea why he thought he could deal with seeing Rodney McKay today. He was doing it for John. Hopefully it would be the last thing Cam ever did for him.

“What’s going on? Is it John? The baby? Or is this some kind of surprise elopement, because I know that you and I don’t get along, but I think for John’s sake we can put our differences aside and even though you’re very much not a genius and annoy me like a wet rash, I’ll admit that you are not unattractive and I think that in time you will find that--”

“Let me just stop you there, McKay,” Cam said, dredging up his sternest ‘I am your commanding officer and you will not interrupt me’ voice. “John and I are not getting married. You and I are not friends and neither are me and John. We’ll share custody of Dane and that’s it.”

“Okay.” McKay surprised Cam by not crowing at his victory. In fact, he looked almost disappointed. “So why did you call me here? Where’s John?”

“John had a panic attack.” Cam held up a hand to deflect Rodney’s questions. “He and the baby are fine, but the doctor said someone he cares about should be there when he wakes up.”

“You’re already here. What do you need me for? I was supposed to gate back to Atlantis today.” While Cam was glad to hear that at least McKay thought John cared about him, it just made him feel all the more guilty for leaving when leaving had been what made John panic in the first place.

Cam didn’t answer him, grabbing the pink umbrella and getting out of the car. He pulled his suitcase out of the back, enjoying McKay’s perplexed expression.

“Where do you think you’re going? And don’t tell me some SGC emergency, because we all know that I’d be right in the middle of it if there were one.”

Cam sighed, weary. “I am going home. Turn around and follow this road for a couple miles back to the house. You can return the car to the Hertz guys at Dulles when you’re done.”

“But--”

“Better get moving, McKay. Your fiance needs you.”

Part 3