Well, I have nothing to do at the moment and am refusing to play video games as i suffered a video game overload, so writing seems quite enjoyable
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After such a good start it all went down hill. You went from a good piece of fiction and then succumbed to the power of suggestion and let it descend into B-movie territory. Confused trying to follow so many characters in a non-visual medium. Also maybe too many ideas are being introduced all at once, maybe. I no longer feel that the narrative is going anywhere, and I'm finding it difficult seeing the balance between strange and normal things. If people are going to act weird then I need something explained or expanded upon, else the story feels like it's just rambling on. The first bit was nice as an intro, but you can't continue like that for an entire story.
Not really that much happens for me. There seems to be a lot of gun violence going on, but the dialogue is the most important part for me, and that seems to be lacking. For some reason I'm thinking Terminator 3 type thing going on here (as in style- not characters of course!)- but maybe that's because I saw it a few days ago. This type of story would appeal more to the Kill Bill Part 1 fans, and I prefered Part 2. But obviously this would work better on screen than on page- with some James Cameron type director anyway
What I trying to say, is that every action scene needs a good build up to make it even more exciting. Whether it be more in depth conversation to know who they are. But I guess you didn't want to make your story too long. I suppose John Carpenter pulled it off in Escape From New York though. Actually, that's probably more kind of thing that you are looking at.
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