if it feels a lot like it (it is it)

[uchinole]

NC-17
a/n: well i wonder how i could finish this to such a great song like Julian. summary taken from the song too.

earlier days
sehun has always been quiet.

at the beginning he couldn’t gather enough courage to speak up. eventually he thought it was unnecessary to. he answers when asked, responds when mentioned, replies when concerned. he remains silent when others lead the conversation. he puts up some facial expressions depends on his liking. he soundlessly leaves when his points don’t meet others. he stays in place if no one objects.

but the ultimate end is somehow his leaving.

in his highschool days, sehun’s mom used to complain that she couldn’t get why at different periods of time he went out with different friends, different groups, and stopped, and new friends again. a question that unintendedly fell into the atmosphere when he was washing dishes and mom was casually dropping the question halfway of cleaning the fridge, but it nailed into his heart and stays there forever because it didn't just apply to when he was younger but also when he grew up. that everything goes for the same route, that sehun is just there preparing for them to pass by.

life is a route set from birth to death, so nothing matters but death after being born. everything else is - for the sake of the relativity - almost, if not completely, pointless.

same goes for love. people think it must be painful and maybe it’s not love. maybe. like those lovely feelings between sehun and a girl who took care of his nails all the time, drawing cute shapes, painting dazzling colors. it ended because sehun had feelings for her friends, a nice guy that was as quiet as him. that ended too, because a friend of that guy came all the way from china to barge into their life and dragged sehun away into life by the virginity he wasted no effort to reserve but never flaunted around being taken. memorable one, almost a shameless bastard but it turned out his morality is unexpectedly way higher than tons of people out there, and it was realistic of him to tell sehun immediately when he was about to have someone else. that was not a problem, he couldn’t be a third wheel in the happiness of others. an ageless guy that went out with, smoked joints and fucked sehun whenever they were both single until he had to return to beijing where he called hometown but never actually longed for it. he might not like that, but sehun still told him he should see for himself. a third year majoring in laws with really pretty face and things stayed at the level of oral that sehun had no complaint. a boss at his old work that sometimes sehun wonders in boredom about what would happen if he let himself being taken care of by the other. one of the greatest parts, is the comfortable atmosphere he gets whenever they come across each other again because they didn’t end badly. when he prepares for the end, everything is not so bad, even nice. when he doesn’t yearn for anything except for some little expectations of favorite drinks or new cds, he doesn’t get to be in pain. when he doesn’t hold things back, he doesn’t get to put himself in sorrow. and everyone is fine.

some thought it was not alright, and they told sehun exactly what they thought. that it was not love. that it was not alright. that love has to be experiencing, experimental, going through everything together, if not sehun would miss his true love for thriving into nothing like that, and that was so tragic they would never want to see. they said so, as if life itself is not tragic enough.

sehun will avoid as long as he can. they said so, as if wu yifan wasn’t enough of a tragedy.

earlier or later, never been a matter
highschool days contained many things, but none of them was special or just a bit outstanding. sehun went into university with the same indifferent attitude until when yifan came and struck him like an arrow through the heart. he is everything sehun is not, with a touch of similarity that allowed them to be together without conflicts. sehun stands still while everyone comes and goes, but for yifan, once he comes or once he goes, both never make people the same as before he does.

sehun strongly believes that only the deep-carved pain is able to change a person that much, so he avoids the pain whenever he can, curls up inside his shell and puts up with things until he senses the safety and feels indestructible. people say that happiness can do the same thing for a person, but he has never seen it himself, so he never believed it and still doesn’t.

doesn’t happiness just help pain pierce deeper into someone’s heart and maximize the misery.

yifan changes people with that exact pain. sehun avoided him whenever he can, but couldn’t bring himself to deny yifan’s ability, or help himself of not falling into it. time passed and finally it turned into some kind of blindness, not pursuing, not objecting, just going with it. sehun only woke up when yifan had been dangerously near, his hand just a thread away from mentally snatching sehun’s heart away from his chest. it was an almost, for the sake of relativity

sehun didn’t collapse. sehun didn’t change for the pain yifan gave out. so he guesses that’s why the man hasn’t left.

he just doesn’t know if it’s laughable or appalling instead.

it was the first time, and also the only time in sehun’s life that he mindlessly tolerate someone in regardless of consequences.

normally he would feel like laughing. yifan’s position is higher than his, what kind of consequence could come his way? but he quickly found out that he had never been so wrong in his life. consequences can only fall upon him and even if they couldn’t, sehun shouldn’t think so anyway. the ripe result of preparation.

overly tolerating someone, or trying to mend a broken heart seem to result the same mess, that the executor will be shattered into pieces. mending is a hopeless thing to do, while there is no hope from the very beginning for tolerating.

probably this mess of his resembles the one true love people have been talking about for eternity. it’s a bit different, and oh so bitter, he chuckles, if one’s true love has this too many things in common with the death like what he has, he would rather let his feelings die when he first sensed them.

it’s blind to mend, because one doesn’t want to see. it’s blind to tolerate, because one doesn’t even bother to look.

sehun gets it, that the relationship between them is still alive just because yifan never pushes him to any limit, therefore sehun never collapses and yifan never gets his perfect result of a broken heart being left behind his cold steps for the next person who must have a seriously bad luck to come and try to mend it by tearing himself out to fill in what a scarred heart lacks before receiving the ugly excess in exchange. that’s weird, yifan should have done the same to sehun. when he’s broken he can mend himself back into another sehun, because he doesn’t hold on any old him. he can fill the blanks by piece and piece, from time to time.

but it’s still hard to understand.

there’s always that one time before any thing else
it’s almost impossible not to love wu yifan.

he looks almost not human. always tempting, making people desire him which is unbelievable. sehun gives credits to yifan’s perfection for sparing him some sanity. if he was more real, just a bit more of guys who sometimes run for bills, can’t be tidy half of the time, and not just sometimes spend short weekends on the couch watching meaningless tv - for example - sehun would have brought his whole heart out to love like every idiots out there.

it’s strange. sehun just wants to let yifan have things in his way in the hold of sehun’s arms, and once the older steps out, things end right there, like life will always be good enough no matter how long their relationship lasts. but then he starts wondering, if it’s his hold too wide, or yifan just doesn’t step out.

or both.

an afternoon in May, sehun accidentally caught yifan with someone right in the bedroom. well, not his bedroom, not his problem. he shut the door closed, quietly smoked in the kitchen until the third person was gone and yifan finished his shower.

“you alright?”

it took quite a while for the man to initiate. did the question mean how he was doing? or asking for his opinion on the fact yifan just slept with someone else, sehun didn’t know. the younger only managed to see yifan’s back, his face hidden by head hanging low in thoughts. or nothing at all. but it was pointless to know how yifan looked right then; sehun has always been just good at going with the flow, not guessing what’s going on in other mind by picking up little details so a back and a face don’t differ that much.

“well, up to you.”

yifan darted to him in large steps, hauling sehun up and literally manhandled him through the hall into the bedroom. sehun’s dangling legs hit the door frame but he didn’t care and so did yifan. bed unmade; the draps the pillows the blanket still had stranger’s scent lingering on. sehun might know what the other was going to do; and according to those who gave him advices about one true love, sehun should have struggled with his best, to show yifan he still maintained some dignity that was enough to not be insulted by forcing into sex on the exact same bed yifan used to fuck someone else in one same short afternoon. but they don’t know sehun, don’t know that he was born with personal limits placed at strange levels that make him accept strange things and strangers who share the similar points of view. yifan shagging someone else that is not sehun had nothing to do with yifan keeping their relationship going. aside from sehun himself, yifan had nothing else to drag the time and take advantage of.

their lips looked for one another’s, tongues had never been exploring because it was unnecessary, just went on and took what they could from the other. something stung. muffled sounds of teeth against teeth rang in sehun’s mind and he thought he tasted the blood which was positively his, but it was alright, because it was not like this everytime they kissed. yifan licked past the stinging wound on his tongue, making it ache deliciously and sehun sighed pleasantly. the older repeated that, the tip of his tongue pressing into the bleeding slit like a small torture. eventually it stopped bleeding and sehun got used to the ache from it, so yifan pulled away to look at him for a moment before dipping down again to carry on, moving south starting from the sensitive ear, followed sehun’s jaw down to his chin and proceeded to nibbling at the neck biting on the collar.

sehun has never been patient. he snuck both his hands in between to unbuckle his belt and zip down. dorsums and knuckles grazed past that hot thing between yifan’s legs, separated by the older’s clothes, not just once. yifan knew what he wanted, always, but he still grinded down firmly a few times, forcing sehun to feel both their erections through the fabric while his naughty hands were trapped between before hovering up for sehun to get rid of his bottoms. shamelessly, the boy started grinding his bare skin against yifan the moment just one leg of his was finally free from the jeans while the older was occupied with the sweet torment on sehun’s chest with his hands. as if the friction was not enough, he scooted down a bit to rub himself on yifan’s thigh, not keeping those slightly hitched breaths to himself when he was pleased because it’s always easier to move around like this, not pressed down onto the bed.

“don’t stain my clothes.”

sehun ignored him. he was then too deep into soothing himself down there, or he knew all too well what he would get for not listening to yifan. he couldn’t care less about those one true love stories about tender love-making and treasuring because they have always been unrealistic in sehun’s world. so vanilla. all these turned him on instead.

he found what he wanted, the opposite of lame bedroom interaction presenting itself in the dark orbs of the man above him. that finally made him stop, feeling a bit too much and exposed under the stare but that helped turning him on more. so sehun dared to arch up on his elbows and offer yifan his body, with neck slowly baring in willingness which looked more revealing than it normally should.

who are they, human from the core, to resist.

yifan did his best to shed both of their clothes and got his hands on sehun right away. the first thing he said when he was on the boy again felt like a feather caressing sehun’s side, sending him a light shiver through the body. he knew it was not true, you know you have my best don’t you no sehun has never been the best so he will never have that, but it was still good to hear. two thoughts clashing made it hard for him to think. might the friction he was given on his throbbing cock help that too. it also feels good, for his sensitive weakness of a manhood to be wrapped with large hands, long fingers circling, pressing in the right places, so sehun eased in the touch more until he couldn’t get any closer. hands scrambling, he tried to do his best for yifan too, and being rewarded with soft grunts and uneven breathes is enough. sehun reached his other hand further and further until he touched the base of yifan’s cock, pressing lightly on the skin between it and the entrance, nuzzling it in the effort to work yifan up. he thought he kind of made it when yifan pulled away just to grind his shoulder down aggressively, before moving his hip forward, cock so close to sehun’s lips that the boy would be an idiot to not realize what was going on. immediately he got the head between his lips, sucking and lapping a few times before getting a bit more further inside. quickly one third was embedded in the wet warmth and more would follow, but it was not enough for yifan so he started pushing in himself. he doesn’t like gagging, so he didn’t expect sehun to and the boy did it well. to yifan, that was the right time to start fucking his sehun’s little mouth. at first he adjusted for sehun to adapt his thrusts to all the sucking and licking, but after a short while he just didn’t care any more, pushing in and pulling out as much as he liked. sehun just smiled to himself, for yifan to be still concerned enough because the position doesn’t aim right at the back of his tongue, saved it from some gagging and the last thing sehun should worry about was if yifan would choke him on his hard cock. they liked that idea anyway.

a thought flashed up in sehun’s mind like a bolt, he didn’t know, like yifan spoke to him, but he didn’t know.

you’re one thing i don’t get rid of, for not collapsing.

the boy gave his neglected cock some consolation, running his own fingers up and down the shaft, pulling the small patch of skin, trapping the sensitive head between fingertips and pleasurably abused it like yifan would. it ticked something inside sehun for him to go down back on yifan better, in a faster, matching pace. his head slightly bobbed, hip followed the motion of his hand soothing himself. it was hell of a scene.

you’re something i don’t get rid of, for not collapsing.

maybe it was sehun telling himself in the voice of yifan instead. whatever. the gag reflex could mess with him no more as the tip had hit the back of his throat for more than enough times without troubles coming up, so sehun tried it hard way to start swallowing. there was nothing to, but it should be a great friction happening inside as yifan screwed his eyes shut, thrusts slacking down a bit. sehun made sure to keep his small swallow going, childishly feeling like a pro. after a satiated while, yifan finally pulled out completely. the younger licked his lips in a weird amusement of how his mouth felt so empty and sehun definitely wouldn’t mind having yifan inside again with a bit more force, but soon he threw that thought to the back of his head as the man kissed him, this time felt like he wanted to invade anything available inside sehun and beyond the heat of his mouth. the boy difficultly let out some whimpers and occasional moans compared to the older’s harsh breaths through his nose.

“does yourself taste good in m-“ sehun cut it out once yifan groped one of his cheeks before brushing his rim, experimentally got one maybe two fingertips inside his hole about a knuckle past the ring of muscles. he took that as a sign to lift his legs up, giving more access to his bottom area.

“stretched.” yifan dropped one single word, fingers caressing around but not going in.

“... i hardly go through a day without something stuffing up there...” sehun’s grin was shit-eating; it was kind of a truth. “... i manage to with some little fingers.” sehun giggled to yifan’s ear, said fingers devote themselves to keep yifan hard and maybe making him harder if possible. in a slice of the moment, sehun felt almost sick to spill such words, but once again there was nothing to be ashamed of. a small victory swam through him to see yifan lubed himself up just enough to go in without tearing something, furiousness lurking behind his expression. and before sehun knew it, yifan had already going into him in a swift motion, fully seated before sehun’s surprised gasp could die out. he wasted no time to start thrusting in and out, in and out, remarkably getting faster as time passed. “the perkㅡ of being a bottom, don’t you think?” sehun half-laughed one last time before all he could manage to let out are obscene sounds of satisfied groans, hitched whimpers and sex-drenched moans for the remained pleasure of a thrust still conquering his inside when replaced and advanced at the same time by newer, better one brought by the next thrust. that weird, lustful feeling started to build up inside him, from yifan to his prostate and spreaded through his body to every direction, making his toes curl like crushing the fabric beneath and his neck strain to its limit that even the ache deep from the bones bending against each other felt too good to reject.

“it feels so fucking good for me, hyung.” yifan bit hard on sehun’s neck, making him moan the last word and it even sounded good to sehun himself. “how about you? the peak anywhere in sight?”

the cock hit inside him too roughly for once, then it took one beat for yifan to force sehun’s knees to touch the bed, making his body fold in half painfully and deliciously, keeping him still and somehow harder to speak. and yifan was inside again, like he belonged there and there of all the best figures out of their world. with and from this angle, sehun realized all over again like every other time, it looked like yifan was ramming down onto him, so hard and deep, in his greatest effort to test and break sehun.

maybe yifan never sincerely hoped for sehun to break for his action, but he still did.

so the cheesy one true love and what sehun actually possesses finally got one thing in common, that they both have no logic.

orgasm hit him almost brutally and out of nowhere, leaving sehun breathless with his mouth going slack and eyes almost blind. his inside felt twisted, hips jerking violently and thighs shaking uncontrollably. sehun screwed his eyes shut before falling into the unconsciousness of over-stimulation as yifan fucked him through the climax, seeking for his own peak. it had to feel really good for yifan, with muscles contracting and extracting almost simultaneously around his manhood, sehun jokingly thought to himself.

the real unconsciousness welcomed him after that.

sehun woke up when sun hadn’t come up yet, with yifan’s arm hanging loose around his waist. kind of sweet.

after the faint he always woke up himself. sehun wondered if there would ever be just one time he wouldn’t.

it feels a lot like June so it is June
“sorry about that night.”

sehun’s mind asks what, and it takes moments for him to realize what yifan is talking about. he resumes scrolling through pages and pages of Pitchfork, idly replying, “oh. nothing big. one of the greatest fucks in the history though.”

he can picture it inside his mind that yifan is pursing his lips and narrow his eyes in calculation and analyzing and such. sehun thinks maybe he’s getting better at reading people and maybe, ticking them off.

“what’s wrong?” sehun asks when he feels yifan is still there for longer than he should without turning back.

“oh. nothing big.” yifan’s voice is a level colder. “just thinking about you moving in.”

“oh that.”

“how about it?”

“then, do i have to sell my cat litter of an apartment so that you can kick me out with nowhere else to go in the future when we’re done-done?” sehun hopes that yifan knows this one is a bitchy joke. punishments are not bad so far as he knows.

“...you’re a bit too acrid these days.” yifan leaves for his working space so at last sehun has the whole living room for himself and all personal time in the world to enrich his soul with tunes.

he’s not acrid. he’s just feeling a bit out of sorts and in the mood to be a safe distance away from people. it sounds easy, and will be quick to pass, but sehun knows this is not that simple. to tease someone, making them not satisfied with you, is just a form of calling for attention after all. and to crave for attention is to fall into the last stage where one has needs in the form of expectation for the other which burn like the pit of hell if unfullfilled.

the stage of breaking.

Pitchfork suddenly becomes trite. he folds the screen down, putting the laptop to sleep mode before easing himself on the couch. sehun stares at the white cold ceiling, blinking a few times to adjust himself.

is it possible sehun is becoming an idiot.

one day in July
i love you.

unsurprisingly, sehun wakes up in the middle of the night again, still with yifan’s arm around his waist, but this time it's no longer hanging loose that his fingers touch the bed beside sehun, and it tightens when he moves just to sit up.

those three words sound so strange. sehun might have said them way too many times before, but it sounds too far, neglected in the past and so strange between him and yifan. even when it was brought out from yifan’s mouth, sehun thinks he still can see, smell, and feel the dust of time clinging to the words.

he kind of laughed after hearing that, not a wise choice though, when yifan’s face hardened in something like being insulted. apparently, the words are ridiculous in their situation: if it was a lie, it was an useless attack to sehun and yifan is sure to be much more than that. but if it was true, doesn’t someone lose to the other to admit his feelings first.

big chance it was true, but sehun can’t bring himself to believe it. “take your time.” yifan told him. even their short sentences and even that take your time are not even as messed up as an i love you. to interpret it as take your time considering it politely, well sehun is doing just so. he snorts, if this was an attack instead, it’s two percent accomplished to make him think and that’s it.

looking at the man beside him, sehun sighs. God had to make him one of his favorites, to put him in such an uncommon storyline of confusion and paradoxes. here is this man who is together with him. a living black hole.

against which sehun can’t resist.

he bends down to look closer. he carves what of this man he will bring along onto his soul again, with those of ones who have passed his short time being alive. at the end sehun takes a deep, shaky breath, reminding himself about who yifan is and how it differs between the one he’s with and the one who is his, before whispering close to the sleeping man’s ear, voice shuddering for the need to tell this carefully.

love me? love while i’m alive. love me while i’m still breathing.

he lies down again looking out the window. no one can love someone forever, because it’s a fact that love never lasts even if two people are willing to be bound by the right to belong just to each other. soon they’ll find out that bond does nothing, but dragging them down.

wishing for a bond is already letting go of freedom.

sometimes sehun wonders what led him here, not believing in a few things considered the true values of this world. it was not like sehun suffered. it was not like sehun went through this world of vast sceneries and billions stories then back. it was not like sehun experienced death. sehun saw.

people defend themselves, saying if one is not in an other’s position, he will never get it. but they never noticed how it goes for the observers. because everything twists, differs for each individual and any thing not positive always crawl their ways into people better. one is born distrusful, suspect happiness that it takes time to sink in but never completely; while pain takes their hearts so easily it turns out humans are miserably weak.

they are simple to be swept off their feet with desires too. with an equal lie of asking yifan to love him for the closest range of time compares to eternity, the amount of time he has left, sehun slowly realizes with his eyes narrowed and mind reeling in exhaustion to solve nothing, that at somewhere so deep and also dark as the night in his heart, there’s a part which is as small as the tip of a needle, screaming from day to day from birth and possibly until death about how sehun actually yearns for yifan loving him for ever while sehun reminds himself it’s a stupid thing to demand even just love in one moment from someone.

the conflict turns him into an idiot somehow.

and it feels sad. he had been too sure about how to carry on through this life, he had slighted those faraway dreams of people not noticing that it’s always free to imagine. and yifan would be perfect being just a touch more realistic, sehun had thought, but he never let himself to be the way ‘realistic’ should really be.

it’s kind of sad.

speaking of sadness
every time sehun is on a transportation looking out to the scene outside flowing by his view, by the window, it changes spontaneously from day to night from bright to dark from hot to cold from everything to nothing, and he can’t help himself thinking that they’re all dying so where is the point of everything and love - the so-called most marvellous thing ever happened to any one.

one day he tells yifan so. the older just looks back at him until when tears start brimming just to sink back into sehun. no one in his right mind will have that thought, and yifan just knows that to well when he darts towards sehun in large steps. before sehun knows any thing else he’s already wrapped in the hold of yifan’s arms.

it feels unlike other times, not possessive, not brutal, not accusing, not inflicting pain, not destructive, not to break heart. too hollow like  it's space they're living in and so full that something overflows at the same time before two feelings merging in one.

sehun feels as weak as he just started this life over, to cry after a long time like centuries, even his tears taste like old dust gathering on the surface of something neglected and forgotten. it will be one of the best chances for yifan to crush and shatter him into unmendable pieces, making sure that there won’t be any one after him to fix sehun or tolerate his errors. even one i love you will do all those things right there.

somehow yifan lets the silence fall upon them, hands caressing his back, and sehun calls it something like love.

oh so you love me now
what's the point if we are set to die in the future
i wonder if it makes any difference

in between

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