Too Funny to JUST include the link....
But here it is anyway...
Fuckin'
Hillarious
The Golden Rules of
Instant Messenger
AIM Humor by
www.pointsincase.com
By staff writer Justin Rebello
"The most important
document to emerge from a computer since the Ten Commandments."
-Steve Case, Former Chairman and CEO of AOL
Introduction: You've seen
the phenomenon. During the semester, at least 75% of your buddy list is online.
Then winter break hits and your buddy list is hit by an apparent bubonic plague.
Because IM is so popular among us college kids, it is befitting that we should
set forth a list of rules, nay commandments, to abide by. So here, in no
particular order, is the prevailing IM Dogma.
I.
In your AIM profile, there's no need to throw in loads of advertising space
about your girlfriend/boyfriend/horse. Granted, I may be a jaded, single
fool, but when your profile looks like this:
Baby, I love you. I love you. Oh baby I
love you and miss you. See you soon. I love you. Baby, baby.
[Insert rows of nonsensical IM kissy-faces]
It's just annoying and disturbing.
A subtle message is fine, but if you use either MUAH or those god-awful AIM
faces (more on those in a sec), then AOL should spike
you and you should be forced to communicate your rampant I LOVE YOU's through
smoke signals you utterly whipped prick. (And that goes for you dickwads with
the "Taken" Buddy Icons. Go fuck yourself!)
II.
Please stop with LOL. Only about .4% of people actually "Laugh out Loud"
and they are retarded. And don't give me this ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor
laughing my ass off). I'd actually like to see you try this just so you can snap
your neck as you fall out of your chair. Good. Nothing to LOL about now, is
there?
III.
Don't IM just to say "HI." Talking on AIM is the fast food equivalent of
actual conversations. Keep the messages short and sweet. I assure you, you are
not that interesting of a person. And if you were, why I am I talking to you
behind a keyboard and miles of bandwidth?
IV.
You don't have to IM someone every time they are online. Nobody is that
interesting. The average person spends more time wiping their ass than talking
to their parents. No one can be conversational every time you IM them.
V.
Stop with these oblique away messages like "Not
here", "Away", "Gone", or using an AIM face. If you had to shit, fine. Tell
us, we're concerned for your well being. And for the love of god don't use the
default away message: "I am away from my computer right now." Don't you get
disappointed when you see that?
VI.
If you are talking on a cell phone with someone and IMing that person
simultaneously, you deserve the impending radiation cancer.
VII.
Don't ever send more than 5 messages in a row to someone. All that
beeping could give someone a brain hemorrhage. It sounds like a damn Star Wars
movie on my computer!
VIII.
Stop using AIM faces. This is the lowest point of human interaction. It
is more evolved to go to your friend's house and throw your own shit at their
face.
IX.
If someone sends you a link or a song to download, you are not obligated to
ever visit that link or download that song. Making a suggestion is fine, but
don't pester them about it for days to come. You are interrupting their porn
time.
X.
Blocking someone is about the cruelest thing you can do to them. Worse
than murder. So if someone pisses you off, don't block them. Ignore them. Fill
them with doubt as to whether you are still at your computer. Blocking is
basically the Agent Orange of AIM abuse. Savagely cruel, use only when
necessary.
XI.
One "Bye" is all that is needed to end a convo. Too many convos drag on
and on like the first hour of Pearl Harbor. They look a little like this:
Homo69: Ok man, later.
Buttfuk27: Yea, take it east.
Buttfuk27: easy*
Homo69: Yeah I will
Homo69: Later
Buttfuk27: Later, dude
Homo69: Goodnite
Buttfuk27: Oh hey
Homo69: Yeah?
Buttfuk27: Did you finish your paper?
Homo69: Yeah
Buttfuk27: Oh okay, cool
Homo69: ok, seeya later
Buttfuk27: Yep, bye
Homo69: Bye
Buttfuk27: Night
Previous message was not received by Homo69
because of error: User Homo69 really left this time.
XII.
Don't try to describe your looks in your screen
name. If your screen name is SexyGurl25, and you look like the love child of
ALF and Carrot Top, that's false advertising. Besides it really isn't nice to
trick MegaStud21, who is actually a 40 year old unemployed bald man that
installed a webcam in your shower while you were at class.
XIII.
Girls, it is not necessary to make your profiles look like the lost works of
Emily Dickinson. A couple of clever lines is fine, but honestly, no one's
turning to your profile as their daily source of sonnets.
XIV.
Don't just type "yea" to your friend when you
have nothing to say. I understand the flashing IM is intimidating, and a lot
of people need to have the last word, but the "yea" is basically IM code for: "I
have lost a lot of interest in this convo, and was kind of hoping we could just
drift apart peacefully."
XV.
No more than two numbers in your screen name.
Three is okay, but only if it's to signal your birthday. It's already hard to
remember what you decided to call yourself online, we really don't need the
first 100 digits of pi. If your SN is: Queef67483857, just shorten it to
Queef67. Or just Queef. I can't imagine too many people picking that one, it's
too honest.
XVI.
Don't type "BRB" then drive to Mexico. BRB has a 10 minute window. After
that, it's away message time. AOL should install a feature that will
automatically send gay porn to all your friends under your name once your comp
is idle for 11 minutes after a BRB.
XVII.
You can tell the mood a person is in by how much they type. Example:
PeeWee12: Hey, man.
Meat10: Yo, what's up, dude?
= Happy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Hey
= Melancholy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Go fuck yourself.
= Not happy.
XVIII.
Don't put quizzes in your profile. What is
the goal, exactly? To figure out who is your most prolific stalker?
XIV.
If the Internet kicks you off, and then you sign back on, it is your duty to
re-start the convo. I don't know why this is, but if the other person IM's
you with "kicked off?" they are obsessed with you.
XX.
If someone sends you one of those IM's that say you must IM 10 other people,
in order to save a child dying of leukemia in Indonesia, drive to his house and
beat him to death with his own keyboard. Then, take a deep breath, and go
check your email.
Fuckin'
Hillarious
The Golden Rules of
Instant Messenger
AIM Humor by
www.pointsincase.com
By staff writer Justin Rebello
"The most important
document to emerge from a computer since the Ten Commandments."
-Steve Case, Former Chairman and CEO of AOL
Introduction: You've seen
the phenomenon. During the semester, at least 75% of your buddy list is online.
Then winter break hits and your buddy list is hit by an apparent bubonic plague.
Because IM is so popular among us college kids, it is befitting that we should
set forth a list of rules, nay commandments, to abide by. So here, in no
particular order, is the prevailing IM Dogma.
I.
In your AIM profile, there's no need to throw in loads of advertising space
about your girlfriend/boyfriend/horse. Granted, I may be a jaded, single
fool, but when your profile looks like this:
Baby, I love you. I love you. Oh baby I
love you and miss you. See you soon. I love you. Baby, baby.
[Insert rows of nonsensical IM kissy-faces]
It's just annoying and disturbing.
A subtle message is fine, but if you use either MUAH or those god-awful AIM
faces (more on those in a sec), then AOL should spike
you and you should be forced to communicate your rampant I LOVE YOU's through
smoke signals you utterly whipped prick. (And that goes for you dickwads with
the "Taken" Buddy Icons. Go fuck yourself!)
II.
Please stop with LOL. Only about .4% of people actually "Laugh out Loud"
and they are retarded. And don't give me this ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor
laughing my ass off). I'd actually like to see you try this just so you can snap
your neck as you fall out of your chair. Good. Nothing to LOL about now, is
there?
III.
Don't IM just to say "HI." Talking on AIM is the fast food equivalent of
actual conversations. Keep the messages short and sweet. I assure you, you are
not that interesting of a person. And if you were, why I am I talking to you
behind a keyboard and miles of bandwidth?
IV.
You don't have to IM someone every time they are online. Nobody is that
interesting. The average person spends more time wiping their ass than talking
to their parents. No one can be conversational every time you IM them.
V.
Stop with these oblique away messages like "Not
here", "Away", "Gone", or using an AIM face. If you had to shit, fine. Tell
us, we're concerned for your well being. And for the love of god don't use the
default away message: "I am away from my computer right now." Don't you get
disappointed when you see that?
VI.
If you are talking on a cell phone with someone and IMing that person
simultaneously, you deserve the impending radiation cancer.
VII.
Don't ever send more than 5 messages in a row to someone. All that
beeping could give someone a brain hemorrhage. It sounds like a damn Star Wars
movie on my computer!
VIII.
Stop using AIM faces. This is the lowest point of human interaction. It
is more evolved to go to your friend's house and throw your own shit at their
face.
IX.
If someone sends you a link or a song to download, you are not obligated to
ever visit that link or download that song. Making a suggestion is fine, but
don't pester them about it for days to come. You are interrupting their porn
time.
X.
Blocking someone is about the cruelest thing you can do to them. Worse
than murder. So if someone pisses you off, don't block them. Ignore them. Fill
them with doubt as to whether you are still at your computer. Blocking is
basically the Agent Orange of AIM abuse. Savagely cruel, use only when
necessary.
XI.
One "Bye" is all that is needed to end a convo. Too many convos drag on
and on like the first hour of Pearl Harbor. They look a little like this:
Homo69: Ok man, later.
Buttfuk27: Yea, take it east.
Buttfuk27: easy*
Homo69: Yeah I will
Homo69: Later
Buttfuk27: Later, dude
Homo69: Goodnite
Buttfuk27: Oh hey
Homo69: Yeah?
Buttfuk27: Did you finish your paper?
Homo69: Yeah
Buttfuk27: Oh okay, cool
Homo69: ok, seeya later
Buttfuk27: Yep, bye
Homo69: Bye
Buttfuk27: Night
Previous message was not received by Homo69
because of error: User Homo69 really left this time.
XII.
Don't try to describe your looks in your screen
name. If your screen name is SexyGurl25, and you look like the love child of
ALF and Carrot Top, that's false advertising. Besides it really isn't nice to
trick MegaStud21, who is actually a 40 year old unemployed bald man that
installed a webcam in your shower while you were at class.
XIII.
Girls, it is not necessary to make your profiles look like the lost works of
Emily Dickinson. A couple of clever lines is fine, but honestly, no one's
turning to your profile as their daily source of sonnets.
XIV.
Don't just type "yea" to your friend when you
have nothing to say. I understand the flashing IM is intimidating, and a lot
of people need to have the last word, but the "yea" is basically IM code for: "I
have lost a lot of interest in this convo, and was kind of hoping we could just
drift apart peacefully."
XV.
No more than two numbers in your screen name.
Three is okay, but only if it's to signal your birthday. It's already hard to
remember what you decided to call yourself online, we really don't need the
first 100 digits of pi. If your SN is: Queef67483857, just shorten it to
Queef67. Or just Queef. I can't imagine too many people picking that one, it's
too honest.
XVI.
Don't type "BRB" then drive to Mexico. BRB has a 10 minute window. After
that, it's away message time. AOL should install a feature that will
automatically send gay porn to all your friends under your name once your comp
is idle for 11 minutes after a BRB.
XVII.
You can tell the mood a person is in by how much they type. Example:
PeeWee12: Hey, man.
Meat10: Yo, what's up, dude?
= Happy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Hey
= Melancholy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Go fuck yourself.
= Not happy.
XVIII.
Don't put quizzes in your profile. What is
the goal, exactly? To figure out who is your most prolific stalker?
XIV.
If the Internet kicks you off, and then you sign back on, it is your duty to
re-start the convo. I don't know why this is, but if the other person IM's
you with "kicked off?" they are obsessed with you.
XX.
If someone sends you one of those IM's that say you must IM 10 other people,
in order to save a child dying of leukemia in Indonesia, drive to his house and
beat him to death with his own keyboard. Then, take a deep breath, and go
check your email.