I'm sure this will need a cut...
This is my every few month depression update. I'm not clinically depressed but friends who read have read these once in a while so
I don't think I get it anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had a grip on things. I figured everything would totally make sense and everything would work perfectly. To be cliche, let's evaluate my life according to the five pillars as discussed in Cosmo on Will & Grace:
Love
Single, very single. So single the guy I thought it was going to work out with hasn't logged on or talked to me in a week or so. Granted he's working and dissapears legitimately for work it just feels like I'm being ignored.
Friends
MY bestest friend in the whole wide world lives in Davis. There have been numerous holidays. Instances where we could have seen each other, she's been really busy with family stuff and I understand. But the point is that I haven't seen someone I deem my best friend since summer, and I'm not even sure we met for any quality time then. So frankly, the last time I remember spending quality time with her was Spring...but I digress. Another I deem to be one of my closest friends, she and I have not seen each other in person in more than two months and our last conversation was less than pleasant. But then again, I still have pixiestixhb to love and squeeze and davidology is moving down the street so I guess I'll survive.
Family
My grandmother is going in for surgery tomorrow for followup on her fight against breast cancer. It's going well but just hard. She's my last remaining grandparent. I also feel so close to her yet we've just fallen apart as time has passed. My parents are moving to Albequerque. Fucking Albe....Im not even going to try to spell it again. New Fucking Mexico. My party house will be gone. No more coming home to chat with mommy. No more coming home to just get away from EVERYTHING. No more coming home. Home is gone. That's what I think hurts so much. I'm from LA. More specifically, the valley. Maybe it's time to drop the 818 from my life completely. I know my city friends are all for that. My mother is under this impression I'm going to drop my life to go to New Mexico one weekend a month. That aint gonna happen. But still, I just feel my roots are dissapearing and I dont even know what I'm doing anymore.
Health
I'm not terminally ill. Don't intend to be. Just really anxious, thus my immune system just shuts down. When I'm this stressed about life, school, love, etc. I just get sick easily. I'm in decent shape but that's kinda all I have going for me :(
Every day I wake up, if I wake up early and dont shut my phone off I go to Barry's. After that I come home and lounge around and decide if I'm going to class ro not. I sit at home and watch TiVo and sit on the internet. The rest of my day is constituted of meaningless and unnecessary tasks. I never feel like waking up though. I go to bed on average around three, not because I was doing interesting or fun things, just staying up doing nothing. Talking to people I guess. But I just feel so alone.
Money
I owe about $2000 on all of my credit cards. I just wrote a rent check yesterday. That hurt. Mommy is being generous at least but I don't want to be living off of her. I can't keep living off of her. My roommate has owed me money from the first weekend we were living together. I recently called him on the carpet about it. His response ... He's techincally more broke than I am considering he needs to move out as soon as possible (by February or March) or when I can find a suitable roommate
UCLA Law is one of the top schools in the nation. I want to go there for Law School. One would think the status of the Law School is all that I care about. Honestly, what's most important to me is that I have a Rent Controlled apartment in the center of West Hollywood that I do NOT want to give up. Perhaps West Hollywood is what's doing this. I don't think it's just the seasons. I feel like the same people day in and day out are just making me feel like I'm just like them. I'm not special. Talking to clewell99 about his possibly moving to Los Angeles and how it changes you. Maybe my living here from the start has made me slightly immune but I think I've finally hit my max. I don't think I can take it anymore. Being here just makes you feel a certain way and I don't want that anymore.
I used to be an AMAZING student. Homework, reading, assignments. Now my goals are to just fake it till it looks good. Just get by. I want to go to a good school for graduate. This isn't me. I don't get C's. I don't FAIL midterms. I just ... ugh. I dunno. Mind you I've been typing this journal all through my class and not paying attention in the least. I just heard that a student couldn't masturbate to our reading assignment....poor thing.
Anyway. I just want to get out of this funk. New Years are so cliche. Making resolutions are pointless because you give them up by the time Valentine's Day comes around and you want to screw everything in site INCLUDING the resultions you had made a month and a half previous.
OK, I'm hungry. Now I'm going to leave class (which would dissapoint my family) to spend money I don't have on something that will no doubt make me fat and unattractive to anyone I could be attracted to. As a result my friends wont want to be around me because I'm being such a downer.
Yeesh, no wonder everything just sucks.
I don't think I get it anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had a grip on things. I figured everything would totally make sense and everything would work perfectly. To be cliche, let's evaluate my life according to the five pillars as discussed in Cosmo on Will & Grace:
Love
Single, very single. So single the guy I thought it was going to work out with hasn't logged on or talked to me in a week or so. Granted he's working and dissapears legitimately for work it just feels like I'm being ignored.
Friends
MY bestest friend in the whole wide world lives in Davis. There have been numerous holidays. Instances where we could have seen each other, she's been really busy with family stuff and I understand. But the point is that I haven't seen someone I deem my best friend since summer, and I'm not even sure we met for any quality time then. So frankly, the last time I remember spending quality time with her was Spring...but I digress. Another I deem to be one of my closest friends, she and I have not seen each other in person in more than two months and our last conversation was less than pleasant. But then again, I still have pixiestixhb to love and squeeze and davidology is moving down the street so I guess I'll survive.
Family
My grandmother is going in for surgery tomorrow for followup on her fight against breast cancer. It's going well but just hard. She's my last remaining grandparent. I also feel so close to her yet we've just fallen apart as time has passed. My parents are moving to Albequerque. Fucking Albe....Im not even going to try to spell it again. New Fucking Mexico. My party house will be gone. No more coming home to chat with mommy. No more coming home to just get away from EVERYTHING. No more coming home. Home is gone. That's what I think hurts so much. I'm from LA. More specifically, the valley. Maybe it's time to drop the 818 from my life completely. I know my city friends are all for that. My mother is under this impression I'm going to drop my life to go to New Mexico one weekend a month. That aint gonna happen. But still, I just feel my roots are dissapearing and I dont even know what I'm doing anymore.
Health
I'm not terminally ill. Don't intend to be. Just really anxious, thus my immune system just shuts down. When I'm this stressed about life, school, love, etc. I just get sick easily. I'm in decent shape but that's kinda all I have going for me :(
Every day I wake up, if I wake up early and dont shut my phone off I go to Barry's. After that I come home and lounge around and decide if I'm going to class ro not. I sit at home and watch TiVo and sit on the internet. The rest of my day is constituted of meaningless and unnecessary tasks. I never feel like waking up though. I go to bed on average around three, not because I was doing interesting or fun things, just staying up doing nothing. Talking to people I guess. But I just feel so alone.
Money
I owe about $2000 on all of my credit cards. I just wrote a rent check yesterday. That hurt. Mommy is being generous at least but I don't want to be living off of her. I can't keep living off of her. My roommate has owed me money from the first weekend we were living together. I recently called him on the carpet about it. His response ... He's techincally more broke than I am considering he needs to move out as soon as possible (by February or March) or when I can find a suitable roommate
UCLA Law is one of the top schools in the nation. I want to go there for Law School. One would think the status of the Law School is all that I care about. Honestly, what's most important to me is that I have a Rent Controlled apartment in the center of West Hollywood that I do NOT want to give up. Perhaps West Hollywood is what's doing this. I don't think it's just the seasons. I feel like the same people day in and day out are just making me feel like I'm just like them. I'm not special. Talking to clewell99 about his possibly moving to Los Angeles and how it changes you. Maybe my living here from the start has made me slightly immune but I think I've finally hit my max. I don't think I can take it anymore. Being here just makes you feel a certain way and I don't want that anymore.
I used to be an AMAZING student. Homework, reading, assignments. Now my goals are to just fake it till it looks good. Just get by. I want to go to a good school for graduate. This isn't me. I don't get C's. I don't FAIL midterms. I just ... ugh. I dunno. Mind you I've been typing this journal all through my class and not paying attention in the least. I just heard that a student couldn't masturbate to our reading assignment....poor thing.
Anyway. I just want to get out of this funk. New Years are so cliche. Making resolutions are pointless because you give them up by the time Valentine's Day comes around and you want to screw everything in site INCLUDING the resultions you had made a month and a half previous.
OK, I'm hungry. Now I'm going to leave class (which would dissapoint my family) to spend money I don't have on something that will no doubt make me fat and unattractive to anyone I could be attracted to. As a result my friends wont want to be around me because I'm being such a downer.
Yeesh, no wonder everything just sucks.