[Multi-Chap] From Me To You (Chapter 12 Part 2)
Chapter 12, Part 2 [Another angle]
For some unknown reason, he ended up ambling on the wrong floor. Maybe it was because of the fact that he just climbed up the stairs absent-mindedly, thinking about a new tune, eyes up the ceiling, trying out the melody in his mind. That is, until he cannoned into a complete stranger.
He would’ve sprawled onto the floor if he didn’t put a death-grip on the wall beside him, but the area where it throbbed like mad on his head would surely leave a bruise, and the impact did have him staggering backwards. The world swirled around him, his eyeballs were probably whirling, and his brain was unmistakably shaken out of its original place, he exaggeratingly assumed. He tried opening his eyes, even a small squint would be good enough, and as he fluttered his eyes to clear his vision, he was met with a weird stare, given by the stranger.
If he was in a bad mood, he’d probably reply with an equally strange look with a gaze that read “What are you looking at, punk?” but he wasn’t, thank God, and so he did what seemed to be the most affable as he could manage and besides, it was partially his fault. Are you okay? He pointed a finger towards the man’s head. He hoped the ogling wasn’t caused by the bump.
The man nodded shakily, showing sign of life, and Tatsuya sighed in relief. If the guy wrecked his brain, he was probably the one to be blamed. And it’s not like the man did anything wrong, he looked innocuous, awkward even, and almost cute despite the large nose. So
Tatsuya smiled, and held out a hand. I’m glad you’re not hurt, and sorry for the accident.
When the Nakamaru person asked for his name, he almost wanted to try squeaking, shouting, croaking, his name out, just pushing his voice out of its hiding place. But it was impossible.
An idea struck him, and he fished out a marker pen from his pocket. Hope this isn’t permanent. He just grabbed Nakamaru’s hand and scribbled his own name, not forgetting a smiley.
A grin came out without him controlling it, and he was glad that Nakamaru was giggling as well.
This person…it feels like I’ve known him for so long.
“So…Ueda-san?”
That sounded so distant, and he couldn’t stand being called like that by a person he felt he could probably get along well with. No, he shook his head.
Finally, Yuichi was okay with calling his first name, and it gave him a strange sense of happiness.
Tatsuya couldn’t help it. He knew he could be reckless sometimes, and would bring in a stranger into his home without much thought, while at other times, he could be so spiteful and cold. But this man, this Nakamaru Yuichi, there was just something about him that made Tatsuya feel that it was okay if they got closer. Of course, only as friends. And one of the reasons to why he felt that Nakamaru was a nice guy was because he didn’t turn him out when he discovered that he was mute. The invitation to dine out together sounded great, and he took it as a thank you gift for what he did for Yuichi the other day; saved him from getting his wallet stolen and went as far as to let him stay overnight, and he even prepared breakfast, thank you very much.
Well, the first night didn’t go as well as expected, because he had entirely forgotten that he had already promised the others to let them crash in for dinner. And he didn’t know what he was thinking, or whether he was thinking anything at all during that moment, taking Yuichi’s hand and staring into his eyes, their faces a hair strand apart. He was sure that he was probably a little too stressed out from work. Working wasn’t really his thing. And those eyes… such beautiful and gentle eyes, even with those heavy eyebrows.
It was a little late, but Tatsuya did have dinner with Yuichi, just the two of them. It felt like they’d known each other for years, when in fact, they hadn’t. They had coincided with each other for countless of times before, and it just seemed right if they had a meal together that night. Not only was he having a bad day, but the nightmares were coming back, and truthfully, he was scared. A company would do him just great. And it wasn’t the first time Tatsuya caught Yuichi staring at him, but he found it to be okay, and he replied with a smile.
He was oddly worried. He left the after-party early because of a bad premonition, and when Tatsuya did check on him but received no reply whatsoever, he was surely worried and fretful. Yuichi wasn’t replying his messages, and he still hadn’t come back home yet. So where was he? It was unusual for Tatsuya to get so worked up over another person, but he was in fact, passionate, and he cared a lot for his friends, so why shouldn’t he be worried? It was just a friendly, platonic, harmless, affection for a friend. So…where are you?
His mind was muddled, and he didn’t know who to lean onto, he was scared that his friends might be a little too caught up in their own personal lives that he would end up as a bother if he did ask for consolation from them. He didn’t want to be a burden. He certainly gave off the image of a strong person who was confident, but… he wasn’t really all that. Without much thought he went down to the 4th floor.
He raised his hand, then let it fall back down, then up again, before he just closed his eyes and rapped loudly on the door. No answer. He’s not back from work yet? Should he just wait or snoop around?
He then looked at the welcome mat under him speculatively. Hmm, maybe there’s a spare key under there or something. He laughed to himself. But that would be too predictable…wouldn’t it? He squatted and looked under the door mat. Okay…so he’s quite careless at times, who can blame him? Compared to myself who’s always doing things compulsively… Without a second thought, he just scooped it up and unlocked the door.
He had came there only once before, and he didn’t notice how neat and simple it looked, the exact opposite to his own which was strewn with discarded clothing and belongings of all sorts.
He slowly made it to the balcony door and found Choco there, lying down, a rope tied to his collar, holding him in place. Tatsuya smiled at the dog, and untied the leash, played intimately with him before letting it go inside. I have got to get myself a dog.
He smiled after him, and stood up, looking into the horizon.
He was being offered a chance of a lifetime. Not that he didn’t believe in his own capabilities though sometimes he did, but what was being handed out to him was something he had dreamt of for a very long time, and he wanted to just extend his hand and grab that chance. But, he didn’t like the person that was giving him the offer. In fact he despised the said person, and thought that his father was only doing it to compensate for the wrong things he did. Well, it wasn’t enough. That was obvious from the way he tenaciously didn’t let the old man inside his apartment, and didn’t baulk until he left.
And it’s not just that, Tatsuya was reluctant to accept the offer for another reason. A reason which resonated from his heart, telling him that he’d regret taking up the chance. He didn’t fully understand why though. Maybe because it would mean he had to-
“Hey.”
Tatsuya jumped. He immediately calmed down though when he saw who it was, but still, his heart rate was a little higher than usual, and he couldn’t connect the dots as to know why. He smiled, a little forced.
“How did you get in anyway?”
He showed the key, and grinned sheepishly.
“Right, I guess putting a spare key under the rug wasn’t such a brand idea,” Yuichi sighed heavily, and then laughed as the mood uplifted.
I wonder why he’s able to make me feel like this… His smile faltered away slowly, dying with his laughter as he remembered why he even came there in the first place. He was flummoxed, and he needed somebody.
“What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
No, I’m not. Tatsuya shook his head, and turned to watch the sunset instead. He felt almost guilty because it seemed like he was just tooling Yuichi.
“You know that you could always lean on me.”
Tatsuya thought that Nakamaru Yuichi was strange. Of course, he wasn’t the one to say it, but it was truly strange. Under the calm demanour, he could also be flustered and awkward and make Tatsuya smile. And no matter what, he was always able to make Tatsuya feel accepted.
The younger man decided it wouldn’t hurt if he revealed what he felt.
Tatsuya nudged Yuichi’s elbow with a finger, wanting his attention. He released a deep breath. “I’m confused. My mind is in a mess.” He was hesitant to continue, but the other gave him an encouraging look, boosting his confidence a little.
And when Yuichi held his hand, the warmth emanating from it sent electrical surges throughout his body, before ebbing his discomfort and making him feel secured.
“I feel that I need to be with you. So that I can calm down. I may have not known you for a long time but, you do that to me; being able to soothe my feelings.”
He just let it all out, even if it was hard to do it with one hand, and he could feel his face burning. Yuichi must be blind if he can’t see me blushing. He didn’t realize that Yuichi was blushing as well.
After a pause, Yuichi who finally broke out of his gawking, unexpectedly said “I like you.”
He didn’t understand why anyone would say that so easily.
Sometimes, Yuichi’s eyes were so calm that they weren’t so easily readable, to know what he’s actually thinking, but Tatsuya could take a guess. And it would be really nice to find out whether Yuichi was kidding around or not at that moment, though his eyes looked genuine. But Tatsuya was startled, so he thought that ‘like’ meant ‘adore as a friend’.
“I like you, too. I’m sure you know that right?” he smiled on command. I guess… you can say I like you.
Instead of looking happy, Yuichi looked somewhat grief-stricken. “That’s not what I meant.”
Tatsuya didn’t understand.
He slowly raised his hands and mouthed the words as he did hand signs, “I, ” Tatsuya tilted his head a little. “Love,” Tatsuya was starting to frown, and Yuichi gestured what he wanted to say at last, “You.”
Tatsuya thought he didn’t deserve it. Someone like him, who not only had a massive flaw, but an inerasable dark past. It was a dirty side of him, and he didn’t want Yuichi to know, he didn’t want to be hated or to be pushed away by him, like his father did. He was peremptorily delectated and happy to know that someone loved him, but if Yuichi were to know the truth; that smeared part of him, the devastated and broken figure, will he still even like him? Will he be abandoned? The confession shocked him, and it also scared him.
“You…can’t accept me?”
Tatsuya flinched when he heard that. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do.
“Can I know the reason?”
No, you can’t. I just don’t want you to know…
“Right, yeah, I understand. You know what, I knew this was going to happen. So you should just forget anything had ever happen alright? I’m so sorry for making you feel awkward,” he showed a subtle bow and smiled apologetically.
Tatsuya’s mouth parted and he looked like he was trying to protest, frantically moving his hands. Why, why can’t I say, speak out the true reason? What I’m feeling right now… can’t they reach you?
“You don’t understand. I don’t mean to hurt you-”
Yuichi held his hands firmly, forcing them to a halt, and lowered Tatsuya’s steepled hands.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain about anything.”
“No, it’s not okay!” Tatsuya pushed his hands away to continue, looking angered all of a sudden, his eyes raking all over Yuichi, from his face to his feet, and he shook in self-disdain. It’s not like I hate you. I don’t think I feel the same way but I like you. It’s just that I don’t think I deserve you.
“I’m the one that’s supposed to apologize. I’m sorry about this, but I just can’t. Because you don’t really know who I am, and I don’t want you to know.”
“But I do know you! You’re Ueda Tatsuya, my neighbour, my friend, a person who has given me an experience of a lifetime,” Yuichi interjected, suddenly flying off at a tangent.
“And that’s not all. I know what you’ve been through, and I don’t care, because I’ve fallen for you,” his eyes softened, and his voice trailed off a little at the end.
What? You knew?
Then it hit him. Tatsuya felt foolish all of a sudden. It wasn’t love. It was pity. Yuichi had ‘loved’ him out of pity.
“I- I know, about what happened to you, and why you’re like this,” he steadied his gaze and riveted them onto Tatsuya.
Then he was angry, what he hated most besides loneliness was being pitied. Now he got the picture, and he eyed Yuichi peevishly. How could you? You’re just lying to me, and you want to convince me what you’re telling me is real love? And I almost fell for it too.
“How the hell did you find out?” But he could already guess an answer for that.
Tatsuya was incensed and betrayed, when he had trusted Yuichi so much, he ended up being fooled around. He stormed away as there were nothing left to be conveyed or explained.
A thud was heard from his window as he was punching an invisible opponent in his living room, practicing his boxing skills. He immediately stopped, and grabbed a towel before walking to where the noise originated. He checked the window in the master bedroom, but found nothing, then commenced to the kitchen window where the curtain was drawn. He yanked it to the side, already expecting some kind of stalker, and blinked in surprise when he realized who it was, perching up against his window on the 5th floor.
‘How did you even get up here?’ Tatsuya scribbled on a piece of paper.
“I’m sorry if I surprised you or anything, but your father sent me. And he told me to not use the front door because you’d send me away or hit me. I don’t want to get a broken nose you know, so I saw a ladder leaning against the alley, and an idea instantly struck me. I just climbed up and I thought that if I were to be leaning precariously by your window, for sure you’d let me in because young master is a good person and wouldn’t let me fall, right?” Matsushita took a breath before wanting to continue but Tatsuya held up a hand to the driver. He wrote something down on the paper.
‘You talk too much, you know?’ And I’m pretty sure the old guy told you that to bully and cause trouble for you. Sometimes I’m amazed by how gullible you are, and why you’re still working with him.
The man in his mid-thirties gave a lop-sided grin and bowed slightly.
‘So what does the geezer want?’
“He wanted to know if you’ve read the papers he gave you.”
Tatsuya half speculated that, and he recalled the evening when he first opened the envelope, the day where Yuichi incredulously confessed to him, and his eyes torched with a glint of rage.
The bell rang, and Tatsuya bristled.
‘Tell the old man to leave me alone. For now. I want to think about it some more.’ Tatsuya jotted down on a furious speed and thrust the paper to Matsushita, not caring that his writing looked like squiggly lines and almost indecipherable. He pulled the older man out of his chair and cornered him to the window by the sink. “Wait, wait young master, I can’t fit in through there.”
If he could groan, he would’ve, and he steered Matsushita to the other window.
“Okay, okay I’m going, you don’t have to be so pushy.” The man clambered out of the window and steadily went down the ladder.
Tatsuya closed the window and ran to the front door. Why am I so nervous anyway? It’s just Yuichi coming to fix my computer.
Taguchi that selfish bastard. If he’s not my friend, I would’ve surely made a hole through his head. Hmm, maybe I should dethrone him to a lower status?
Tatsuya tried walking nonchalantly towards their friends with Akanishi and Koki near him. Just ignore the koala, just ignore the koala… he incessantly chanted in his mind. What Yuichi said to him the other day replayed in his mind like a broken record, rewinding and replaying without him wanting to, and it made him feel queasy, but he was ambivalent about the whole thing. He couldn’t make up his mind whether to hate it, or to actually like the sensation.
No, he accepted the offer to walk around not because he wanted to be with Yuichi, of course not. It’s just that he wasn’t really hungry and he wanted to have some more fun. He didn’t have any secret intentions nor desires whatsoever as to why he agreed. He should be grateful that someone had volunteered to come along, but he was inexplicably quite disappointed and annoyed when Nishikido did. Well, maybe that’s just because it’s Nishikido.
And then… when Yuichi grabbed Tatsuya’s hand, his fingers entwined snugly around his own, he felt a familiar warmth, a sense of safety, an entirely blissful feeling that swallowed him up whole, the background dissolved into a blurred picture, the sounds descended and muted out, only the loud thudding of his rapid heartbeat was heard, the glow in his hand sending a race of emotions in his chest.
A traitorously red colour rose up to his face, and he broke out of the spell when he realized what had really happened and that his hand was absent-mindedly gripping Yuichi’s even tighter.
He just pulled it away forcefully and pried the other man off. His heart wouldn’t calm down, and he soothed his chest by rubbing a hand against it, his face not able to meet with Yuichi’s.
And all that feeling was replaced with anger when he heard what had spouted out from Yuichi’s mouth, the bag of fish thrown without him controlling it.
You’re a liar. You don’t love me. You pity me. You’re disillusioned. I was probably delusional too, thinking that your blatant lies were real.
“But, it wasn’t out of pity,” Yuichi said quietly.
Why are you doing this to me? Why don’t you just give up and bluntly say that you’re doing this out of altruistic reasons? I don’t want to hope like a fool.
And the burst of giggles that followed after setting the goldfish in the lake couldn’t be helped. But, Tatsuya couldn’t refute that smiling together with Yuichi was so much better than being angry with him.
Wait, I can’t just let my guard down so simply.
Tatsuya eyed Yuichi from the back suspiciously, following him because he promised that he’ll get a new goldfish (not that he didn’t want it, but a puppy would’ve been so much better). But then again, if Yuichi really was just forcing these so called feelings of love and infatuation, wouldn’t he be angry when Tatsuya threw the fish at him? So does this imply-
Tatsuya quickly shook his head to erode the thought.
“There you guys are!” a voice from behind called.
They both turned around to see their friends walking up to them.
“Where did you two disappear to?” Kamenashi questioned.
“Were you guys up to something naughty?” Taguchi supplied, which earned him a shove in the stomach from Tatsuya.
Akanishi noticed something amiss though. “Tat-chan, where’s Goldie?”
Really, Jin, can’t you think of a better name? Kame’s Ran-Jelly are so much better if you ask me, Tatsuya thought.
Yuichi answered in his stead. “We let go of it.”
“You killed him?!” Akanishi bellowed. “That fish had hopes and dreams, why are you people so cruel?”
“The bag had burst, and we had to set your Goldie into the lake.” Yuichi looked exasperated. “Now people are giving us weird glances. Thanks a lot Akanishi, after this there’ll be cops arresting us for an accusation of murder.”
“Oh and, we’re missing Ryo again,” Taguchi squinted around the area.
“Why should we care?” Koki retorted.
“I think a certain employer somewhere found him and dragged him back to work,” Kamenashi guessed, then shrugged. “He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself.”
“So, where were you two initially heading?” Koki spoke.
“I want to win a new goldfish for Ta- for Ueda, since it was my fault he lost the first one,” Yuichi quirked an awkward smile, and Tatsuya’s eyebrow scrunched downwards, his eyes averted.
As Yuichi and Akanishi were squawking about who should get a chance to go first, Taguchi was the one who seized the opportunity, while Koki was adding “No, you should do it this way,” and an amused Kamenashi stood by the side.
With the bear in his hold, Tatsuya thought and pondered. He bit his lower lip, and decided he needed to get away from there, to have a few quiet moments where he could detach himself and properly think.
Kamenashi looked at Tatsuya’s disappearing silhouette with a frown, the teddy bear that was handed to him attached with a small piece of rolled paper on its bow tie. He was asked to give it to Yuichi, Tatsuya making up an excuse that he was already tired, and he wanted to go home ahead of them, and that the toy bear served as an apology for troubling him. Kamenashi guessed that his friend hadn’t realized that almost everybody knew of his rejection towards Yuichi, and so he decided it was best to feign oblivion with the note.
‘I don’t think I deserve any of this. Please, just give up.’
Chapter 13
********************************************************************************************************************************************************
I hope this isn't riddled with errors like the first part . The moral of the story is; I shouldn't write while listening to songs/write without doing a draft.
But just in case, point out any mistakes if you noticed any ^^;;