Sorry, but Tyki's Mood Icon cannot explain how I feel right now.
Warning, this is a RANT long entry. A somewhat personal RANT entry that I just needed to BELT OUT get out of my system. So if you don't want to read it, you don't have to. You don't have to comment. Or anything.
Thank you. ♥
At the moment, I am VERY annoyed with my mom. Here's the basic scenario:
I pulled an all-nighter because she was out for the entire night. She told me she'd be home at noon - 1pm-ish. So I figured, yessss, finally some alone time for myself. So I stay up all night, I'm sitting on the computer, relaxing, watching Youtube crap, in my underwear, and then at 8:30am, she walks in the door. So of course, I'm shocked and have to scramble to get a housecoat on and such and being I was up all night, I left the lights on in the kitchen, living room, etc.
First thing she asks me is "...Is someone else here?"
At first I'm like "..What?" and drop it, I don't know what she's talking about. I answer "no" and ask her what she's donig home so early. She just felt like coming home. Then she peeks into my room and sees that my bed is already made (because I didn't even prepare it for sleeping) and asks why it's already made at 8:30am.
I didn't know how she'd feel knowing that I stayed up all night (especially since I was up all night on the computer no less), so I just told her "I felt like making it because I was up". Which led to "why are you up so early? What are you planning to do today?"
So I tell her "nothing so far. I just felt like getting up early, and I made my bed in the process."
But since this is "out of character" of me, since I like sleeping in and that when I do get up, my bed isn't made until noon-2pm, she questions me further: "Did you go out in the middle of the night?"
Like, wtf? I have NO idea where she got that idea. She should know just as well as anyone else that knows me that I'm pretty straight-edge. I don't go around having sex and I don't do drugs, or cut, or ANYTHING like that. I don't even swear in front of any adult. So why would she suspect that I would go out? In the middle of the night? When nothing is open? Then it hit me when she asked if someone else was in the house. She thought I had someone over? So of course, but now, I'm like ouch, mom. Why are these the first things you suspect? THEN she asks me if I stayed awake all night or something.
Being that I did, and I was a bit overwhelmed by this new though, I just said without thinking: "No, I couldn't sleep, I got up early, I made my bed."
So about 10 minutes later, she knocked on my door and came in and she asked me why I was in my underwear. Uh. It's like, 20 degreed Celcius at night nowadays? I have the fan on in my room.. IT WAS HOT. I didn't want to get into pajamas. If I wasn't so straight-edge, I would've been naked. Hell, I don't even sleep naked. That's how uptight I can be. So I tell her, "It's hot."
So she goes back to "So were you out or not?"
Like, wtf? WHERE. WOULD. I. GO?
So I told her again "GOT UP EARLY. IT WAS HOT OUT. COULDN'T SLEEP. MADE MY BED."
And she was like "You can tell me."
SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. I mean.. I know it was a lie. And yes. I know it wrong to do so, blah blah.. but she doesn't believe me to the point that she thinks that I actually snuck out? She could at least suspect something less extreme.
So I finally get her to leave, and I get to thinking about how even if she came home to see me in my underwear with my bed made, why is it her business? I'm an 18-year-old. If I wanted it sneak out, I could've. I'm basically a legal adult where I live.
Here's where the real rant starts:
Over the past few years, I noticed that my mom's been digging and nosing herself into my personal life a little TOO much. I know, she's my mom, she wants to know her baby's safe, but please. She's going too far.
Every time I come home from a friend's place I get these basic questions almost every time:
1) How did you get there?
2) What time did you get there?
3) Who else was there?
4) When did they get there?
5) How long did they stay?
6) How did they get home?
7) What did you guys do?
8) Did you have supper?
9) If yes, what did you have? And what time did you have it?
10) Was [insert friend here]'s family also there?
11) If not, why weren't they?
And it goes on. Not all of these questions are asked, but every now and then, THEY ALL ARE. I at least get a majority of them. And see the problem? Do any of these have any relevance to me? Or her? Is knowing what time one of the other guests went home going to determine if they're an appropriate friend for me? Or if I'm in danger by knowing them? No.
Also, it's usually the same small group of friends' houses I go to, so the answers are the same EVERY TIME just about. You'd think she'd pick up a pattern?
Every time I get home from some place and she's not home, she wants me to call her. Is she expecting me to do this when I'm on my own and I come home from work? I wouldn't be surprised.
She also asks me about my friends' personal lives. She asks me what they want to do when they graduate, what schools they're going to, what they plan on doing for a career. And I be honest: I don't know. We don't talk about stuff like that. We talk about other things. But she doesn't get this. She wants to know what's so wrong with us that we don't discuss our future with each other. So what if we don't? And why does she have to know anyway? If there's one thing I hate doing, it's telling someone about another person's personal life without given permission. It's none of her business, it's not going to affect her life by knowing, why does she need to know? I don't want to snap at her or sound rude by saying so, so I give her a reply of "I don't know". And then she gets mad at me again.
She also wants to know what me and one of my best friends talk about so much on the phone for about 2 hours each night. I am NOT telling her what we talk about. I use my cell phone which my DAD pays the bill for, to have private conversations with my friend about the stuff that we talk about. And she keeps wanting to know what we talk about. All I can say is "stuff", again, without trying to sound rude. But she goes all "I don't get how you can talk for 2 hours about nothing.."
Excuse me? "Nothing"? What do YOU talk about on the for phone for 2+ hours? I know she's done it. There were times in our old house she'd lock herself up in her bedroom and talk to relatives and friends for HOURS and I had to bug her when I wanted the phone. And yes, when she brings up this topic, I do sense the whole "you're just teenagers, so whatever you talk about on the phone can't be as important as what I talk about when I'm on the phone" attitude.
Again, it's none of her fucking business.
There was another time (I'm not going to get into this one much) that my friend bought me a box of condoms for Christmas as a gag present. Because we joked about it too much. So I kept the box hidden in my bookbag in a little giftbox, so NO ONE would find it because I didn't want to explain it.
Guess what she does? For NO REASON, she rummaged through my school bag and found the box. To this day, I still don't know why she even looked through my bag. All that was in there was my text books and my looseleaf paper, and every now and then, my lunchbox, which I, myself have been packing and cleaning out each day, and the box of condoms. So she of course was asking me questions about it. And keeping me from sleeping over at my friend's house because of it (because she suspected I was up to something involving said rubbers?). So I explained it to her. I told her how it was a gag, and I kept them in my bookbag because I thought that I could keep them from the public's eyes in there because no one but me apparently went in there. She "believed me" and let me go to the sleepover.
Then a couple of weeks ago while we were having one of our "girl talks", she brought them up again during her whole "I don't know what you're going through.." talk. God, was I pissed.
Unrelated to her nosiness, she also doesn't want me out "after dark". So if I have to take the bus home, which takes an hour from a friend's, I have to leave about 8:30pm-ish to be home before it's pitch black out. What? I'm 18. I even brought it up to her, if this is the way it is, come winter, I'll have to home by 4:30pm. That means I have to leave places around 3:30pm? 'The hell? All she said was "Don't think of it like that". How am I supposed to think?
She thinks everything in the outside world is dangerous. And you know what? It is. Is that going to keep me from going out there? No. Some friends of mine got a new place and want me to go see it tomorrow. But the area it's in, apparently a person was just recently stabbed there. That's what my mom told me when I told her where they were living.
The community I'm living in now with her (that she chose, by the way) is full of druggies and some guy was shot in the face at a nearby gas station just a few months ago. EVERY AREA/COMMUNITY IN THIS CITY IS DANGEROUS IN SOME WAY. But she doesn't want me going to the places she heard about. If she knew about everything that went down where we live now.. God.. or even the stuff that happened where we used to live..
Another thing is that she even restricts my clothing. I am not one to dress slutty. But I do want to feel pretty/sexy/hot/attractive/whatever like any other 18-year-old girl, right? But no. I do not own a single shirt that shows anything below my collar bone. And she makes sure of that. She'll get me clothing that I find cute, and awesome, but once it shows some clevage, OH NOES. Back to the store it goes. >> Here's one scenario:
Me: *gets a top for Christmas. It's made of that stretchy material that's tight but comfy. It has a low v-neck. It's very pretty. I love it.*
Mom: Well, try it on and see if it fits.
Me: *Wow! It does. And it looks smashing, I might say.*
Mom: Hm. The material it's made of makes your curves really stick out, it's not that attractive looking. I saw some similar that would look better.
Me: *has already fallen in love with shirt* Mom, it looks FINE. Besides, you always get me clothes made of this material. If it doesn't look good, why do you keep getting me clothes made of the same stuff?!
Mom: *takes it back anyway and comes back with the EXACT SAME SHIRT, but with a rounded necklike that only shows my neck.. made of the same material and everything* There, much better.
This situation has happened a few times. Even with my own PROM DRESS. You know how strapless prom dresses are somewhat low? It's the style, right?
I got my dream dress and my mom kept pulling up the top to cover me up more. Even the semestress was telling her "It's the style. It's supposed to be that low".
And there have been plenty of other dresses/shirts/tops that I've wanted while shopping with her, but NO. If it shows the slightest bit of my breasts, even the tops of them, I'm "hanging out". She thinks (and has told me) that I look more mature and older if I cover up more. I'm COVERED UP ENOUGH AS IT IS. Not to mention, I AM 18. I don't want to "look older". The way I dress doesn't make me look less mature. Wouldn't it make me look like a nice young adult if I dressed a be more.. freely? Instead of always having to wear a t-shirt and jeans? I want to wear something a little revealing. It's not like I'm drooping or anything. Personally, I think my boobs are perfectly perky, especially with the right bra on maybe you didn't need to know that, and that they should be lightly displayed every now and then.
So basically.. at the end of all this (yes, it's coming to an end), I'm considering moving out. Before, I had two main factors as to why I didn't want to move out:
- I didn't have a decent paying job to live on my own;
- My mom just spent maybe $500-$1000 on my room and I wanted to keep it for at least a year or two before leaving it.
But after this morning's incident, I don't think I care about the latter anymore. Now I just want a job, I want to save up some money, and I want out.
I'm also pretty cranky at the moment, so my opinion might change within a day or two, who knows. I don't really want any "advice" comments at all. I just wanted to rant it all out. Completely. Get it out of my system.
I also can't really "talk to her about this" at the moment, because at the moment, I feel that if I do, I'm going to flip out at her. My dad was kind of tempermental and verbally abusive to her, and I don't want to make her think that I'm like him. So until I feel like I can calmly talk to her about this, I don't think I should try to consult her. So please don't tell me to sit down and have a chat with her about it. RIGHT NOW I WILL GO NUTS ON HER.
Okai. Rant over. ♥ Thanks if you read this. Icons might be up soon. :333;;
Thank you. ♥
At the moment, I am VERY annoyed with my mom. Here's the basic scenario:
I pulled an all-nighter because she was out for the entire night. She told me she'd be home at noon - 1pm-ish. So I figured, yessss, finally some alone time for myself. So I stay up all night, I'm sitting on the computer, relaxing, watching Youtube crap, in my underwear, and then at 8:30am, she walks in the door. So of course, I'm shocked and have to scramble to get a housecoat on and such and being I was up all night, I left the lights on in the kitchen, living room, etc.
First thing she asks me is "...Is someone else here?"
At first I'm like "..What?" and drop it, I don't know what she's talking about. I answer "no" and ask her what she's donig home so early. She just felt like coming home. Then she peeks into my room and sees that my bed is already made (because I didn't even prepare it for sleeping) and asks why it's already made at 8:30am.
I didn't know how she'd feel knowing that I stayed up all night (especially since I was up all night on the computer no less), so I just told her "I felt like making it because I was up". Which led to "why are you up so early? What are you planning to do today?"
So I tell her "nothing so far. I just felt like getting up early, and I made my bed in the process."
But since this is "out of character" of me, since I like sleeping in and that when I do get up, my bed isn't made until noon-2pm, she questions me further: "Did you go out in the middle of the night?"
Like, wtf? I have NO idea where she got that idea. She should know just as well as anyone else that knows me that I'm pretty straight-edge. I don't go around having sex and I don't do drugs, or cut, or ANYTHING like that. I don't even swear in front of any adult. So why would she suspect that I would go out? In the middle of the night? When nothing is open? Then it hit me when she asked if someone else was in the house. She thought I had someone over? So of course, but now, I'm like ouch, mom. Why are these the first things you suspect? THEN she asks me if I stayed awake all night or something.
Being that I did, and I was a bit overwhelmed by this new though, I just said without thinking: "No, I couldn't sleep, I got up early, I made my bed."
So about 10 minutes later, she knocked on my door and came in and she asked me why I was in my underwear. Uh. It's like, 20 degreed Celcius at night nowadays? I have the fan on in my room.. IT WAS HOT. I didn't want to get into pajamas. If I wasn't so straight-edge, I would've been naked. Hell, I don't even sleep naked. That's how uptight I can be. So I tell her, "It's hot."
So she goes back to "So were you out or not?"
Like, wtf? WHERE. WOULD. I. GO?
So I told her again "GOT UP EARLY. IT WAS HOT OUT. COULDN'T SLEEP. MADE MY BED."
And she was like "You can tell me."
SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. I mean.. I know it was a lie. And yes. I know it wrong to do so, blah blah.. but she doesn't believe me to the point that she thinks that I actually snuck out? She could at least suspect something less extreme.
So I finally get her to leave, and I get to thinking about how even if she came home to see me in my underwear with my bed made, why is it her business? I'm an 18-year-old. If I wanted it sneak out, I could've. I'm basically a legal adult where I live.
Here's where the real rant starts:
Over the past few years, I noticed that my mom's been digging and nosing herself into my personal life a little TOO much. I know, she's my mom, she wants to know her baby's safe, but please. She's going too far.
Every time I come home from a friend's place I get these basic questions almost every time:
1) How did you get there?
2) What time did you get there?
3) Who else was there?
4) When did they get there?
5) How long did they stay?
6) How did they get home?
7) What did you guys do?
8) Did you have supper?
9) If yes, what did you have? And what time did you have it?
10) Was [insert friend here]'s family also there?
11) If not, why weren't they?
And it goes on. Not all of these questions are asked, but every now and then, THEY ALL ARE. I at least get a majority of them. And see the problem? Do any of these have any relevance to me? Or her? Is knowing what time one of the other guests went home going to determine if they're an appropriate friend for me? Or if I'm in danger by knowing them? No.
Also, it's usually the same small group of friends' houses I go to, so the answers are the same EVERY TIME just about. You'd think she'd pick up a pattern?
Every time I get home from some place and she's not home, she wants me to call her. Is she expecting me to do this when I'm on my own and I come home from work? I wouldn't be surprised.
She also asks me about my friends' personal lives. She asks me what they want to do when they graduate, what schools they're going to, what they plan on doing for a career. And I be honest: I don't know. We don't talk about stuff like that. We talk about other things. But she doesn't get this. She wants to know what's so wrong with us that we don't discuss our future with each other. So what if we don't? And why does she have to know anyway? If there's one thing I hate doing, it's telling someone about another person's personal life without given permission. It's none of her business, it's not going to affect her life by knowing, why does she need to know? I don't want to snap at her or sound rude by saying so, so I give her a reply of "I don't know". And then she gets mad at me again.
She also wants to know what me and one of my best friends talk about so much on the phone for about 2 hours each night. I am NOT telling her what we talk about. I use my cell phone which my DAD pays the bill for, to have private conversations with my friend about the stuff that we talk about. And she keeps wanting to know what we talk about. All I can say is "stuff", again, without trying to sound rude. But she goes all "I don't get how you can talk for 2 hours about nothing.."
Excuse me? "Nothing"? What do YOU talk about on the for phone for 2+ hours? I know she's done it. There were times in our old house she'd lock herself up in her bedroom and talk to relatives and friends for HOURS and I had to bug her when I wanted the phone. And yes, when she brings up this topic, I do sense the whole "you're just teenagers, so whatever you talk about on the phone can't be as important as what I talk about when I'm on the phone" attitude.
Again, it's none of her fucking business.
There was another time (I'm not going to get into this one much) that my friend bought me a box of condoms for Christmas as a gag present. Because we joked about it too much. So I kept the box hidden in my bookbag in a little giftbox, so NO ONE would find it because I didn't want to explain it.
Guess what she does? For NO REASON, she rummaged through my school bag and found the box. To this day, I still don't know why she even looked through my bag. All that was in there was my text books and my looseleaf paper, and every now and then, my lunchbox, which I, myself have been packing and cleaning out each day, and the box of condoms. So she of course was asking me questions about it. And keeping me from sleeping over at my friend's house because of it (because she suspected I was up to something involving said rubbers?). So I explained it to her. I told her how it was a gag, and I kept them in my bookbag because I thought that I could keep them from the public's eyes in there because no one but me apparently went in there. She "believed me" and let me go to the sleepover.
Then a couple of weeks ago while we were having one of our "girl talks", she brought them up again during her whole "I don't know what you're going through.." talk. God, was I pissed.
Unrelated to her nosiness, she also doesn't want me out "after dark". So if I have to take the bus home, which takes an hour from a friend's, I have to leave about 8:30pm-ish to be home before it's pitch black out. What? I'm 18. I even brought it up to her, if this is the way it is, come winter, I'll have to home by 4:30pm. That means I have to leave places around 3:30pm? 'The hell? All she said was "Don't think of it like that". How am I supposed to think?
She thinks everything in the outside world is dangerous. And you know what? It is. Is that going to keep me from going out there? No. Some friends of mine got a new place and want me to go see it tomorrow. But the area it's in, apparently a person was just recently stabbed there. That's what my mom told me when I told her where they were living.
The community I'm living in now with her (that she chose, by the way) is full of druggies and some guy was shot in the face at a nearby gas station just a few months ago. EVERY AREA/COMMUNITY IN THIS CITY IS DANGEROUS IN SOME WAY. But she doesn't want me going to the places she heard about. If she knew about everything that went down where we live now.. God.. or even the stuff that happened where we used to live..
Another thing is that she even restricts my clothing. I am not one to dress slutty. But I do want to feel pretty/sexy/hot/attractive/whatever like any other 18-year-old girl, right? But no. I do not own a single shirt that shows anything below my collar bone. And she makes sure of that. She'll get me clothing that I find cute, and awesome, but once it shows some clevage, OH NOES. Back to the store it goes. >> Here's one scenario:
Me: *gets a top for Christmas. It's made of that stretchy material that's tight but comfy. It has a low v-neck. It's very pretty. I love it.*
Mom: Well, try it on and see if it fits.
Me: *Wow! It does. And it looks smashing, I might say.*
Mom: Hm. The material it's made of makes your curves really stick out, it's not that attractive looking. I saw some similar that would look better.
Me: *has already fallen in love with shirt* Mom, it looks FINE. Besides, you always get me clothes made of this material. If it doesn't look good, why do you keep getting me clothes made of the same stuff?!
Mom: *takes it back anyway and comes back with the EXACT SAME SHIRT, but with a rounded necklike that only shows my neck.. made of the same material and everything* There, much better.
This situation has happened a few times. Even with my own PROM DRESS. You know how strapless prom dresses are somewhat low? It's the style, right?
I got my dream dress and my mom kept pulling up the top to cover me up more. Even the semestress was telling her "It's the style. It's supposed to be that low".
And there have been plenty of other dresses/shirts/tops that I've wanted while shopping with her, but NO. If it shows the slightest bit of my breasts, even the tops of them, I'm "hanging out". She thinks (and has told me) that I look more mature and older if I cover up more. I'm COVERED UP ENOUGH AS IT IS. Not to mention, I AM 18. I don't want to "look older". The way I dress doesn't make me look less mature. Wouldn't it make me look like a nice young adult if I dressed a be more.. freely? Instead of always having to wear a t-shirt and jeans? I want to wear something a little revealing. It's not like I'm drooping or anything. Personally, I think my boobs are perfectly perky, especially with the right bra on maybe you didn't need to know that, and that they should be lightly displayed every now and then.
So basically.. at the end of all this (yes, it's coming to an end), I'm considering moving out. Before, I had two main factors as to why I didn't want to move out:
- I didn't have a decent paying job to live on my own;
- My mom just spent maybe $500-$1000 on my room and I wanted to keep it for at least a year or two before leaving it.
But after this morning's incident, I don't think I care about the latter anymore. Now I just want a job, I want to save up some money, and I want out.
I'm also pretty cranky at the moment, so my opinion might change within a day or two, who knows. I don't really want any "advice" comments at all. I just wanted to rant it all out. Completely. Get it out of my system.
I also can't really "talk to her about this" at the moment, because at the moment, I feel that if I do, I'm going to flip out at her. My dad was kind of tempermental and verbally abusive to her, and I don't want to make her think that I'm like him. So until I feel like I can calmly talk to her about this, I don't think I should try to consult her. So please don't tell me to sit down and have a chat with her about it. RIGHT NOW I WILL GO NUTS ON HER.
Okai. Rant over. ♥ Thanks if you read this. Icons might be up soon. :333;;