the fluffkin vs knight automaton
something i typed out on facebook unexpectedly. i'm going to edit for better grammar, though. a bit long.
(sad/long mumble-mumble)
miss ace so much. i hope he's doing alright with his classes. i wish he would get help for his adhd.
i can't decide if it's bad that i want him to change his mind. i guess it doesn't matter? he won't, though. he never looks back at anything, doesn't think much about his past, doesn't question his decisions or apologize.
i didn't reach a full understanding of how he processes his emotions. but i get the impression he minimalizes them and distances himself from them, and he actually thinks that is not only alright, but a goal to be attained and the superior way to be.
he takes jedi-ism very seriously, which i think could be wonderful, but i feel like he might be focusing and internalizing some aspects that aren't healthy. for example, an 'older' version of the jedi code has a line which reads, "There is no passion, there is serenity... [skip line]... There is no emotion, there is peace..." though he doesn't take that line literally, i think he takes it way too far.
he values logic over feelings, and never wanted to discuss emotional topics while he was emotional (uh- if you are not emotional while discussing matters of the heart, something's very wrong). it's important to be clear-headed and have time to know what you truly feel and be in touch with that, but i don't think he tried to get in touch with his emotions or value them, just defeat them, or even change them.
it seems like maybe his horrible childhood and hard life trained him to, well, what he thinks is "master his emotions." but i'm not sure if that's what is really going on or not.
flawed or kind of ridiculous as that may be, i still love him so much. the vast majority of the time, he was so sweet, and seemed happy, and to really enjoy the time we spent together. even when i was feeling down and he was supportive, i still got the overwhelming feeling that he had learned and accepted the limitations of what he (and i) could do.
but sometimes, whenever very charged emotions were being discussed that were not love or, y'know, sexy-type-desire-stuffs, he would shut down and be almost completely devoid of empathy. like an automaton, but with disdain and condescension for my emotional state. all the love he'd profess constantly would seem to be gone. when he drank he would get like that much faster/easier, sometimes without any sort of emotionally charged topic or what have you. and then, the next day generally, it would be like that hadn't happened. if he had been drinking, he would sometimes not remember. either way, it was like the episode with the blank/uncaring/unfeeling/cold/aloof stranger had never happened. and he wouldn't discuss it later, was somewhat dismissive if i brought up the issue that had upset him.
i feel like i didn't have a chance. i feel like we were great together. if he had shared what he was feeling with me, his introspective thoughts, concerns, and perceptions of our relationship... instead of just snuggling and telling me he loved me all the time, leading me to assume that i was the only one with any concerns that needed resolution...
but it doesn't matter, does it? all i have now is "Please stop messaging me unless it is a dire emergency." and that's all.
(sad/long mumble-mumble)
miss ace so much. i hope he's doing alright with his classes. i wish he would get help for his adhd.
i can't decide if it's bad that i want him to change his mind. i guess it doesn't matter? he won't, though. he never looks back at anything, doesn't think much about his past, doesn't question his decisions or apologize.
i didn't reach a full understanding of how he processes his emotions. but i get the impression he minimalizes them and distances himself from them, and he actually thinks that is not only alright, but a goal to be attained and the superior way to be.
he takes jedi-ism very seriously, which i think could be wonderful, but i feel like he might be focusing and internalizing some aspects that aren't healthy. for example, an 'older' version of the jedi code has a line which reads, "There is no passion, there is serenity... [skip line]... There is no emotion, there is peace..." though he doesn't take that line literally, i think he takes it way too far.
he values logic over feelings, and never wanted to discuss emotional topics while he was emotional (uh- if you are not emotional while discussing matters of the heart, something's very wrong). it's important to be clear-headed and have time to know what you truly feel and be in touch with that, but i don't think he tried to get in touch with his emotions or value them, just defeat them, or even change them.
it seems like maybe his horrible childhood and hard life trained him to, well, what he thinks is "master his emotions." but i'm not sure if that's what is really going on or not.
flawed or kind of ridiculous as that may be, i still love him so much. the vast majority of the time, he was so sweet, and seemed happy, and to really enjoy the time we spent together. even when i was feeling down and he was supportive, i still got the overwhelming feeling that he had learned and accepted the limitations of what he (and i) could do.
but sometimes, whenever very charged emotions were being discussed that were not love or, y'know, sexy-type-desire-stuffs, he would shut down and be almost completely devoid of empathy. like an automaton, but with disdain and condescension for my emotional state. all the love he'd profess constantly would seem to be gone. when he drank he would get like that much faster/easier, sometimes without any sort of emotionally charged topic or what have you. and then, the next day generally, it would be like that hadn't happened. if he had been drinking, he would sometimes not remember. either way, it was like the episode with the blank/uncaring/unfeeling/cold/aloof stranger had never happened. and he wouldn't discuss it later, was somewhat dismissive if i brought up the issue that had upset him.
i feel like i didn't have a chance. i feel like we were great together. if he had shared what he was feeling with me, his introspective thoughts, concerns, and perceptions of our relationship... instead of just snuggling and telling me he loved me all the time, leading me to assume that i was the only one with any concerns that needed resolution...
but it doesn't matter, does it? all i have now is "Please stop messaging me unless it is a dire emergency." and that's all.