Eurovision 2014 roundup, part 2
I should be spending my day off doing useful things, like the tax return that plopped onto the doormat last week. Instead, I'm reading the Journal of Social Archaeology, drawing Incan art and writing about Eurovision. I think I've got this self-employed starving writer thing sorted.
Austria Conchita Wurst: 'Rise Like A Phoenix'. Conchita has already courted controversy in Russia, land of the tolerant, who ranted that her act shows Eurovision is 'a hotbed of sodomy'. Yeah. More power to Conchita, though; this is all kinds of Shirley Bassey at her Goldfinger finest. Got to get to the final, or I shall throw a diva strop.
Husband opinion: It's Russell Brand! Very Eurovision, a bit slow for me.
Belarus Teo: 'Cheesecake'. I don't know about you, but this contest needs more Robin Thicke lookalikes who sing about being Patrick Swayze, Google Maps and their hatred of being compared to delicious dairy desserts. THIS IS WHAT EUROVISION IS ABOUT, YOU GUYS.
Husband opinion: It's amazing.
FYR Macedonia Tijana: 'To The Sky'. Safe, radio-friendly territory here. Safe enough to probably go through, I suspect.
Finland Softengine: 'Something Better'. There were much better songs in the Finnish NF, to be honest. Sadly, we're stuck with their answer to Coldplay. If you like that sort of thing, this is pretty good. I guarantee this will have wormed its way into my head in a few weeks and I'll be humming it around the new house and WANTING TO DIE.
Georgia The Shin and Mariko: 'Three Minutes To Earth'. I like when a country is bold enough to do something a bit different, and look what Georgia's gone and done. It's a bit Levellers meets Jethro Tull with more fretless bass. And it's insanely catchy. This had better get through; it's straight into my top 10.
Husband opinion: Why is the bassist dressed as The Joker? And why are they playing on artificial grass?
Greece Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd: 'Rise Up'. Ooh, they've gone all edgy and urban after their finest hour, which was of course Opa. It's very Radio 1 territory so I'm probably not the target demographic for it, but it sure is catchy.
Ireland Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith: 'Heartbeat'. Or 'Only Heartbeats' as we're calling it. It couldn't be more Emmelie de Forest if it moved to Denmark and started playing a tin whistle while wandering about barefoot. Might limp through, but won't win because Ireland don't want it to. Why else would they have inflicted Dustin the Turkey on us, or Jedward...twice?
Israel Mei Finegold: 'Same Heart'. Well, this punches you in the face with some husky sword-wielding female bad-assery. I have a suspicion this might get to the final, and that would be no bad thing.
Lithuania Vilija Mataciunaite: 'Attention'. Well, Lithuania won the prize for Most Dragged Out National Selection, limping through at least 12 shows before picking the winner. We sort of gave up watching after the third one. After all that, then, what did we get? 90s hippity-hop nonsense, that's what. Oh well.
Malta Firelight: 'Coming Home'. So confident were Malta that adorable, housewives' favourite, Mumford and Sons carbon-copy Gianluca Bezzina was a winning formula, that they've gone and done it again. But this doesn't do it for me the way 'Tomorrow' did, although they get some credit for the wartime tribute theme. Not sure this'll get through.
Norway Carl Espen: 'Silent Storm'. A man who looks like a mildly threatening lumberjack sings a delicate, sweet ballad. Surprised me, anyway. Do I still have space in my Top 10? I've lost count. This can go in.
Poland Donatan and Cleo: 'My Slowianie - We Are Slavic'. Oh my. Poland had two years off for financial reasons, but what a song to come back with. It's like some kind of Slavic N-Dubz, with many fine buxom milkmaids and...where was I? Can we put this through because boobs?
Husband opinion: It has grannies, it has TOWIE, it has morning horns. This is promising. *boobs start appearing, house commentary goes quiet*
Romania Paula Seling and OVI: 'Miracle'. This duo previously entered with the excellent Playing With Fire which remains one of my favourite Eurovision tracks. I'm not sure this is quite as high-calibre, but it's still a strong contender, and Paula's voice is still brilliant.
Slovenia Tinkara Kovac: 'Round And Round'. I love a good flute solo, I do. So this should be right up my street, you'd think. It's nothing remarkable, though; no catchy hook, no key change, not even a dubstep breakdown. The video's visually striking though.
Switzerland Sebalter: 'Hunter Of Stars'. I can smell banjos. Oh god, who let the chartered accountant in? Now there's a pasta-flinging chef? Oh I see, he tries different jobs, that's the gimmick. Well, Switzerland have previously brought us Celine Dion and that awful Vampires Are Alive nonsense, so this isn't *that* bad. But the violin solo was Alexander Rybak's, dude, leave it alone.
France TWIN TWIN: 'Moustache'. Now, I raced home in the rain and hunted down a really dodgy streaming site just for this song reveal. I had to sit through an hour of France's 'popular' music show before they unveiled it five minutes before the end. And What did I get? A man with Jedward hair and a two-man shit fashion tribute to the early 90s talking about having a moustache. Still, could be worse; could be Sebastian Tellier. *shudders*
Spain Ruth Lorenzo: 'Dancing In The Rain'. I do still think Brequette was robbed; she looked to be a shoo-in until it went to a tie and the televote was against her. There's been allegations of racism- and the Twitter commentators were very unpleasant at times- but nevertheless, we're stuck with Ruth. Very middle of the road fare; I don't see it doing that well.
Germany Elaiza: 'Is It Right'. Possibly the first time we stopped watching a national selection and went to stream another one, so dire was this offering. Come on, Germany, you gave us Lena! What went wrong? This is like an elephant lumbering over an oompah band with a trendy haircut. Make it stop.
Italy Emma: 'La Mia Città'. I get the feeling this lady is trying too hard to be Lady Gaga, with the Mickey Mouse ears and other wacky outfits. (What's with the 'come the fuck down' hat? Seriously?) It's the best of a mediocre Big Six bunch, I guess. At least it's not a ballad.
UK Molly: 'Children Of The Universe'. The excellently double-barrelled Molly Smitten-Downes was picked via BBC Introducing, the platform for new unsigned artists. So at least we have someone young, fresh and not a shambling reheated corpse like Engelbert Humperdinck. The song's grown on me, I have to say. I was indifferent to it at the reveal, but her voice is gritty and soulful and it's a grower. Let's hope for more than nul points, eh?
Denmark Basim: 'Cliché Love Song'. The hosts have gone for someone channelling Bruno Mars, which is no bad thing if they're courting the teen market. I don't think they're going to keep the crown with this though, but it bobs along pleasantly.
And that's your lot for this year. I've stocked up on Bucks Fizz for Saturday and I'm already plotting where to stick up the homemade flags and classy LED blinkenlighten. Let the cheese commence!
Also available at cryptogirl.dreamwidth.org :D
Austria Conchita Wurst: 'Rise Like A Phoenix'. Conchita has already courted controversy in Russia, land of the tolerant, who ranted that her act shows Eurovision is 'a hotbed of sodomy'. Yeah. More power to Conchita, though; this is all kinds of Shirley Bassey at her Goldfinger finest. Got to get to the final, or I shall throw a diva strop.
Husband opinion: It's Russell Brand! Very Eurovision, a bit slow for me.
Belarus Teo: 'Cheesecake'. I don't know about you, but this contest needs more Robin Thicke lookalikes who sing about being Patrick Swayze, Google Maps and their hatred of being compared to delicious dairy desserts. THIS IS WHAT EUROVISION IS ABOUT, YOU GUYS.
Husband opinion: It's amazing.
FYR Macedonia Tijana: 'To The Sky'. Safe, radio-friendly territory here. Safe enough to probably go through, I suspect.
Finland Softengine: 'Something Better'. There were much better songs in the Finnish NF, to be honest. Sadly, we're stuck with their answer to Coldplay. If you like that sort of thing, this is pretty good. I guarantee this will have wormed its way into my head in a few weeks and I'll be humming it around the new house and WANTING TO DIE.
Georgia The Shin and Mariko: 'Three Minutes To Earth'. I like when a country is bold enough to do something a bit different, and look what Georgia's gone and done. It's a bit Levellers meets Jethro Tull with more fretless bass. And it's insanely catchy. This had better get through; it's straight into my top 10.
Husband opinion: Why is the bassist dressed as The Joker? And why are they playing on artificial grass?
Greece Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd: 'Rise Up'. Ooh, they've gone all edgy and urban after their finest hour, which was of course Opa. It's very Radio 1 territory so I'm probably not the target demographic for it, but it sure is catchy.
Ireland Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith: 'Heartbeat'. Or 'Only Heartbeats' as we're calling it. It couldn't be more Emmelie de Forest if it moved to Denmark and started playing a tin whistle while wandering about barefoot. Might limp through, but won't win because Ireland don't want it to. Why else would they have inflicted Dustin the Turkey on us, or Jedward...twice?
Israel Mei Finegold: 'Same Heart'. Well, this punches you in the face with some husky sword-wielding female bad-assery. I have a suspicion this might get to the final, and that would be no bad thing.
Lithuania Vilija Mataciunaite: 'Attention'. Well, Lithuania won the prize for Most Dragged Out National Selection, limping through at least 12 shows before picking the winner. We sort of gave up watching after the third one. After all that, then, what did we get? 90s hippity-hop nonsense, that's what. Oh well.
Malta Firelight: 'Coming Home'. So confident were Malta that adorable, housewives' favourite, Mumford and Sons carbon-copy Gianluca Bezzina was a winning formula, that they've gone and done it again. But this doesn't do it for me the way 'Tomorrow' did, although they get some credit for the wartime tribute theme. Not sure this'll get through.
Norway Carl Espen: 'Silent Storm'. A man who looks like a mildly threatening lumberjack sings a delicate, sweet ballad. Surprised me, anyway. Do I still have space in my Top 10? I've lost count. This can go in.
Poland Donatan and Cleo: 'My Slowianie - We Are Slavic'. Oh my. Poland had two years off for financial reasons, but what a song to come back with. It's like some kind of Slavic N-Dubz, with many fine buxom milkmaids and...where was I? Can we put this through because boobs?
Husband opinion: It has grannies, it has TOWIE, it has morning horns. This is promising. *boobs start appearing, house commentary goes quiet*
Romania Paula Seling and OVI: 'Miracle'. This duo previously entered with the excellent Playing With Fire which remains one of my favourite Eurovision tracks. I'm not sure this is quite as high-calibre, but it's still a strong contender, and Paula's voice is still brilliant.
Slovenia Tinkara Kovac: 'Round And Round'. I love a good flute solo, I do. So this should be right up my street, you'd think. It's nothing remarkable, though; no catchy hook, no key change, not even a dubstep breakdown. The video's visually striking though.
Switzerland Sebalter: 'Hunter Of Stars'. I can smell banjos. Oh god, who let the chartered accountant in? Now there's a pasta-flinging chef? Oh I see, he tries different jobs, that's the gimmick. Well, Switzerland have previously brought us Celine Dion and that awful Vampires Are Alive nonsense, so this isn't *that* bad. But the violin solo was Alexander Rybak's, dude, leave it alone.
France TWIN TWIN: 'Moustache'. Now, I raced home in the rain and hunted down a really dodgy streaming site just for this song reveal. I had to sit through an hour of France's 'popular' music show before they unveiled it five minutes before the end. And What did I get? A man with Jedward hair and a two-man shit fashion tribute to the early 90s talking about having a moustache. Still, could be worse; could be Sebastian Tellier. *shudders*
Spain Ruth Lorenzo: 'Dancing In The Rain'. I do still think Brequette was robbed; she looked to be a shoo-in until it went to a tie and the televote was against her. There's been allegations of racism- and the Twitter commentators were very unpleasant at times- but nevertheless, we're stuck with Ruth. Very middle of the road fare; I don't see it doing that well.
Germany Elaiza: 'Is It Right'. Possibly the first time we stopped watching a national selection and went to stream another one, so dire was this offering. Come on, Germany, you gave us Lena! What went wrong? This is like an elephant lumbering over an oompah band with a trendy haircut. Make it stop.
Italy Emma: 'La Mia Città'. I get the feeling this lady is trying too hard to be Lady Gaga, with the Mickey Mouse ears and other wacky outfits. (What's with the 'come the fuck down' hat? Seriously?) It's the best of a mediocre Big Six bunch, I guess. At least it's not a ballad.
UK Molly: 'Children Of The Universe'. The excellently double-barrelled Molly Smitten-Downes was picked via BBC Introducing, the platform for new unsigned artists. So at least we have someone young, fresh and not a shambling reheated corpse like Engelbert Humperdinck. The song's grown on me, I have to say. I was indifferent to it at the reveal, but her voice is gritty and soulful and it's a grower. Let's hope for more than nul points, eh?
Denmark Basim: 'Cliché Love Song'. The hosts have gone for someone channelling Bruno Mars, which is no bad thing if they're courting the teen market. I don't think they're going to keep the crown with this though, but it bobs along pleasantly.
And that's your lot for this year. I've stocked up on Bucks Fizz for Saturday and I'm already plotting where to stick up the homemade flags and classy LED blinkenlighten. Let the cheese commence!
Also available at cryptogirl.dreamwidth.org :D