Cerebral poly masturbation....

[ulesegisa]

History: when my wife and I were in a triad, it devolved (catastrophically). Because my wife and I never discussed what kind of triad each of us thought this was and what the consequences were of it devolving we are both still dealing with the trama of that breakup nearly three years later. Each of us had a different viewpoint of what we thought

Comments

[mspurrmeow]

Nice work. I will need to spend more time focusing on each configuration, but you have quite a few.

My personal insight is that my opinion is affected by the use of "devolve". I think more of things as changes. Physical passion can change, heartfelt impulse can change, geography can change. People are people, and choices are made, but my experience has not been to feel like things were lost. I don't think that changes in humans and relationships can be predicted or quantified. (That's hard for me to say, being a nerdy geek). My triad changed over the years, but we are still as valuable to each other as we once were. Even when geography and passions changed, commitment didn't. That could be an issue with my definitions and yours being different, coupled with the lack of a 'secondary' status in my realm.

I'm happy to see you posting, and feel for you both as you are still processing this. You are in my thoughts.

yes you were the second one to point out...

[ulesegisa]

... my bias towards Triadic relationships.

I'm thinking that "devolve" is a loaded word implying that the "change" in the relationship pattern would be necessarily "less" than the whole and that is my bias showing through.:)

I'm thinking maybe "changes to" instead of "devolving into" might be a better less loaded phrase? With each different change listed under the heading "reconfiguration #1" rather than "loss". The attempt would be to remove the negative connotation of the parts being any less positive than the whole.

Re: yes you were the second one to point out...

[mspurrmeow]

I really think that having less of a weighty negativity would improve the analysis.

My personal issue is that sometimes it is a positive evolution, an improvement, with the parties involved coming into more of an understanding of how they work together. Maybe two people will function at a higher level in a partnership that does not have intimacy or financial/geographic reliance. (Maybe? I don't like to think so, but my nerd-brain wants to make sure I keep all possible changes neutral for scientific purposes.)

I think I'm biased toward triadic relationships, at least in theory, but practice has shown it to be far more exhausting in the long run. The "V" configurations that have developed have been so very rewarding that I feel no loss for my fantasy. NRE is a great thing in triads, but the real long-term stuff never pans out in my experience. I wouldn't give up my 'devolve/change' experiences for anything and I would predict the same sentiment from my partners.

[who_is_she]

lots of good analysis here.
it's good to think about these possible outcomes.. but of course we generally dont' want to think about this kind of stuff when we are enjoying the NRE :(
and when we are feeling so hopeful about it being
forever.......

But all these different models are good to consider and to ask all three people "which of these is your goal?" "which of these do you think we will fit into?"

Loss of committment is always going to be painful, I think, but at least if you have an idea of what you will do when it happens.. no one is completely blindsided. it's kind of like having an emotional prenup/??

:)

[ulesegisa]

Emotional prenuptial..humm interesting thought concept... I'll chew on that....

Part of the purpose of the document is to get folks to "think" about "what if" and plan for it.
Knowing that if you miss your exit on the freeway there is another one down the road you can get off and find your way to your location means less tension while taking the trip..:)
Same with plural relationships. If you know that if some part of the relationship isn't working out where to go from there it makes the transition easier and less traumatic.

[see_tree_me]

In ABC the Egalitarian tri-equal relationship it is also possible to have loss result of A, B, C. In fact I know one triad that broke up exactly that way. The breakup between A and C was so traumatic that B said basically "a pox on both your houses

Yes, I absolutely agree!

[ulesegisa]

There is a "Loss result #2", under the ABC Egalitarian Triad. Is that the same as what you are talking about or is it something different?

possible gains...

[ulesegisa]

...humm yes, there is a bias here on my part that I did not see due to my own wounds.. you are correct. I was only looking at the moment of "loss" and what the breakup would look like in that instance. I do get that all relationships are dynamic and can change as people grow and learn. I don't want to discount that, I think what I'm trying to do here is take a split second snapshot of what a relationship becomes when two of the members of a triadic configuration can no longer be primary or secondary parters with each other

Re: possible gains...

[who_is_she]

I think growth is almost always positive in the end.. but it is also usually traumatic for me at the time. So not sure I understand the distinction of "positive growth". All change is an adjustment. and all change offers the opportunity of growth.