Comments | ultimate_leigh: (без темы)

ultimate_leigh

(Untitled)

Jan 27, 2007 00:55

After a month or so of being in a creative black hole I thought I'd try some writing. All of the following is based on real facts. Only the names have been blah, blah, blah...

Going for noir here BTW(+ I need to stop spending my time playing 'puter games, so anything's better than nothing!)

( A Family Member Passes Over )

Comments 9

venkman_project January 27 2007, 08:16:57 UTC

Wow! That is very good - funny and sad at the same time! It's also very weird because I can picture the two "unnamed" characters and how they would say each piece of dialogue, but at the same time it feels very removed and I love the fact that it's very personal.

Love the bit about Logan's Run! And domestic rats are actually supposed to be very clean and intelligent! (Like in Willard!)

ultimate_leigh January 27 2007, 10:47:33 UTC

I haven't seen Willard, but really want too! I've heard its mega creepy!

I actually don't mind rats at all. When I was young I had a punk baby sitter who had a pet rat that lived in her leather jacket!

Morag keeps teasing me that in Logan's world I would be dead by now. She is mean.

nalot January 27 2007, 09:03:29 UTC

Very nice. You have a way with words...

ultimate_leigh January 27 2007, 10:48:20 UTC

Fank you vry much, Miss Claire!

n0l0g0 January 27 2007, 13:29:55 UTC

Cool. Really liked it.

ultimate_leigh January 28 2007, 02:55:40 UTC

Cheers, dude!

dude! wordmongerer January 27 2007, 23:59:32 UTC

That's really good. Pacing is nice, the story has a nice delivery and it's an unusual way to tell the kind of story you're telling. A dramatic way of telling a slice of life story. I'm impressed! The only suggestion I would have would be to tighten up that last line, it doesn't sit well with the rest, I'm not sure if it needs changed or perhaps extended a little just to get the tone consistent. Seriously though, it's really good!

Re: dude! ultimate_leigh January 28 2007, 03:00:44 UTC

Hmm...You may be right. On reflection the 3 word last sentance does seem a bit trite coming after the second largest paragraph in the piece.

Like all my little projects though I start out strong and hope my steam lasts till the end - some times it doesn't.

Thanks for the feedback mate. Will catch you tomorrow / today.

Oh, and 'She' didn't cry apparently...

moogly_bear January 28 2007, 11:23:41 UTC

I didn't cry y'know. Jimothy wouldn't cry at my funeral.