Fun with SVU
I haven't updated in a while, but I posted this on TWoP and thought some of my flist might enjoy it:
Spoof of an upcoming SVU episode in which the SVU Executive Producer says Benson and Stabler "will have a story where they take stock of their seven years together."
They are also supposed to have an episode where it's just B/S in a car, on a stakeout. As soon as I heard about that, I got cringent images of a clipshow, SVU-style. You know, like they did on Friends occasionally, to give the writers and cast a break from their onerous schedules. Can't you just picture it?
SVU Episode 7:17 Stalemate
Scene: A cold, dark Manhattan alleyway. Late model sedan, strewn with coffee cups and takeout bags.
Stabler: Olivia, can you shut your window or move that rainbow flag, please. Aside from the fact that it's drawing attention to us, and we're trying to be inconspicuous, it's blocking my cross and mini-Virgin-Mary statue.
Benson: Even though I'm straight (ignores Elliot's snicker and checks hair and makeup in sideview mirror), I have sympathy for the downtrodden. So I can't just move the flag. It's part of me. That's what makes me so much better than you at... well, just about everything. I'm Everywoman.
Stabler: Well, I'm CATHOLIC! And being Catholic means believing in certain things. Even if they go against everything you've seen, learned and expressed for most of your professional life.
Benson: Yeah, remember back when you used to be not so Catholic. Those were the days. (They both smile and we flash to clips of Elliot from Abomination and Bad Blood, in which he voices concern for and outrage on behalf of gays and clip from Monogamy where he does NOT freak out about abortion. Cut back to them looking bewildered.)
Benson: What the hell happened to you?
Stabler: Pot weasels.
Benson: What? Did you just say pot? Elliot, do you have a drug problem?! Because I'm a certified drug abuse counselor. I talk to people who are confused and helpless and need help and lack of confusion. It's what I do.
Stabler (defensively, fingering joint confiscated from Fakeleen): No. I don't need counseling. And if I did, why would I go to you? When was the last time you spoke to me without seeming annoyed? I manage not to sneer at you, despite having to look at your hair everyday.
Benson: My hair? There's nothing wrong with my hair. (Checks mirror again.) Believe me, I know hair. I've been with a lot of women... at salons! And plus, I'm straight, so I just know. Besides, you're hardly in a position to be making such insults. At least I have all of my hair.
Stabler: Yours and Miss New Jersey's. (Benson harrumphs and checks mirror again.)
Stabler: Let's talk about how much you've changed. You were so young and naive when we first met (cut to baby Olivia clips from S1). And then you grew into a tough, no-nonsense cop. (Montage of S2-4 Butch Benson.) We interrogated and fought and perp-slammed as equals. (Cut to glory year clips from S2-S4). Well, okay, maybe I did most of the perpslamming. But now, you're like a big old girl. You tear up at the drop of a hat, you use more hair product than Fin and you keep talking about kids. I don't know who you are anymore!
Benson: You're just mad because you can't lord your family over me now. You're just another single father, no family, no kids. But I guess I wouldn't understand that! (Cut to montage of Stabler "If you had kids..." comments.)
Stabler: Understand it? You practically took it worse than I did.
Benson: Can you blame me? You ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, I mean, you and left me without a backup family to use when convenient and feel superior to the rest of the time. You ignored my wise and sensitive words and managed to lose your family. Did you even think about how that would affect me? No. You never even told me. And then, months later, you actually consulted another woman professionally. And not just any woman - a woman who was my first lover, er, friend. (Cut to clips of Rebecca Hendrix).
Benson: You didn't even come to me, even though I told you many times you could talk to me and that I would listen and be there for you. (Cut to Monogamy clip of Olivia telling Elliot to talk and then cutting him off). It's not my fault you can't recognize me for the perfect cop and friend and human being everyone else sees. (Cut to clips of S6-7 Benson's constant looks of irritation and continual loop of "You have great kids" in rote response to unStabler.)
Benson: And you're always so mean to me even though I do nothing but support you. (Cut to clips of Stabler supporting Olivia from Abuse and Inheritance and Wrath, contrast with Benson "supporting" him in Hooked (rebound comment), Grief, Haunted.) You have no sensitivity or subtlety. I don't know how you'd manage without me.
(Cut to clips of Stabler with Munch, Fin, Alex or alone - from Pandora, Execution, Rooftop, Resilience, Angels, Parts)
Stabler (snidely): Yeah, I don't know what any of us would do. We'd probably have to just shut down the unit. Thank goodness for your ever-present calm restraint and clear thinking. (Cut to clips from Wrath, Abuse, Escape and Storm)
Stabler: The face of perfection.
(The phrase triggers both Stabler and Benson to think of Alex. Cut to S2-4 Cabot clips. The detectives are lost in dreamy thought then grimace as an ungodly succession of ever-blonder but never-wiser Casey clips flashes at warp speed.)
Benson/Stabler in unison: God, I miss Alex.
(They look at each other and slowly smile. Elliot turns the key in the ignition.)
Stabler: We're not going to get this guy tonight.
Benson: If we leave now...
Stabler: ...we can be there for breakfast.
(Cut to exterior shot of Altoona Days Inn, Room 69 - gardenview, kingsize bed.)
THE END
I've definitely been out here, reading, and I owe some folks posts. I haven't been in the LJ mood lately, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. I missed all you guys!
Spoof of an upcoming SVU episode in which the SVU Executive Producer says Benson and Stabler "will have a story where they take stock of their seven years together."
They are also supposed to have an episode where it's just B/S in a car, on a stakeout. As soon as I heard about that, I got cringent images of a clipshow, SVU-style. You know, like they did on Friends occasionally, to give the writers and cast a break from their onerous schedules. Can't you just picture it?
SVU Episode 7:17 Stalemate
Scene: A cold, dark Manhattan alleyway. Late model sedan, strewn with coffee cups and takeout bags.
Stabler: Olivia, can you shut your window or move that rainbow flag, please. Aside from the fact that it's drawing attention to us, and we're trying to be inconspicuous, it's blocking my cross and mini-Virgin-Mary statue.
Benson: Even though I'm straight (ignores Elliot's snicker and checks hair and makeup in sideview mirror), I have sympathy for the downtrodden. So I can't just move the flag. It's part of me. That's what makes me so much better than you at... well, just about everything. I'm Everywoman.
Stabler: Well, I'm CATHOLIC! And being Catholic means believing in certain things. Even if they go against everything you've seen, learned and expressed for most of your professional life.
Benson: Yeah, remember back when you used to be not so Catholic. Those were the days. (They both smile and we flash to clips of Elliot from Abomination and Bad Blood, in which he voices concern for and outrage on behalf of gays and clip from Monogamy where he does NOT freak out about abortion. Cut back to them looking bewildered.)
Benson: What the hell happened to you?
Stabler: Pot weasels.
Benson: What? Did you just say pot? Elliot, do you have a drug problem?! Because I'm a certified drug abuse counselor. I talk to people who are confused and helpless and need help and lack of confusion. It's what I do.
Stabler (defensively, fingering joint confiscated from Fakeleen): No. I don't need counseling. And if I did, why would I go to you? When was the last time you spoke to me without seeming annoyed? I manage not to sneer at you, despite having to look at your hair everyday.
Benson: My hair? There's nothing wrong with my hair. (Checks mirror again.) Believe me, I know hair. I've been with a lot of women... at salons! And plus, I'm straight, so I just know. Besides, you're hardly in a position to be making such insults. At least I have all of my hair.
Stabler: Yours and Miss New Jersey's. (Benson harrumphs and checks mirror again.)
Stabler: Let's talk about how much you've changed. You were so young and naive when we first met (cut to baby Olivia clips from S1). And then you grew into a tough, no-nonsense cop. (Montage of S2-4 Butch Benson.) We interrogated and fought and perp-slammed as equals. (Cut to glory year clips from S2-S4). Well, okay, maybe I did most of the perpslamming. But now, you're like a big old girl. You tear up at the drop of a hat, you use more hair product than Fin and you keep talking about kids. I don't know who you are anymore!
Benson: You're just mad because you can't lord your family over me now. You're just another single father, no family, no kids. But I guess I wouldn't understand that! (Cut to montage of Stabler "If you had kids..." comments.)
Stabler: Understand it? You practically took it worse than I did.
Benson: Can you blame me? You ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, I mean, you and left me without a backup family to use when convenient and feel superior to the rest of the time. You ignored my wise and sensitive words and managed to lose your family. Did you even think about how that would affect me? No. You never even told me. And then, months later, you actually consulted another woman professionally. And not just any woman - a woman who was my first lover, er, friend. (Cut to clips of Rebecca Hendrix).
Benson: You didn't even come to me, even though I told you many times you could talk to me and that I would listen and be there for you. (Cut to Monogamy clip of Olivia telling Elliot to talk and then cutting him off). It's not my fault you can't recognize me for the perfect cop and friend and human being everyone else sees. (Cut to clips of S6-7 Benson's constant looks of irritation and continual loop of "You have great kids" in rote response to unStabler.)
Benson: And you're always so mean to me even though I do nothing but support you. (Cut to clips of Stabler supporting Olivia from Abuse and Inheritance and Wrath, contrast with Benson "supporting" him in Hooked (rebound comment), Grief, Haunted.) You have no sensitivity or subtlety. I don't know how you'd manage without me.
(Cut to clips of Stabler with Munch, Fin, Alex or alone - from Pandora, Execution, Rooftop, Resilience, Angels, Parts)
Stabler (snidely): Yeah, I don't know what any of us would do. We'd probably have to just shut down the unit. Thank goodness for your ever-present calm restraint and clear thinking. (Cut to clips from Wrath, Abuse, Escape and Storm)
Stabler: The face of perfection.
(The phrase triggers both Stabler and Benson to think of Alex. Cut to S2-4 Cabot clips. The detectives are lost in dreamy thought then grimace as an ungodly succession of ever-blonder but never-wiser Casey clips flashes at warp speed.)
Benson/Stabler in unison: God, I miss Alex.
(They look at each other and slowly smile. Elliot turns the key in the ignition.)
Stabler: We're not going to get this guy tonight.
Benson: If we leave now...
Stabler: ...we can be there for breakfast.
(Cut to exterior shot of Altoona Days Inn, Room 69 - gardenview, kingsize bed.)
THE END
I've definitely been out here, reading, and I owe some folks posts. I haven't been in the LJ mood lately, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. I missed all you guys!