[fic] Scut Hamsters (chapter 11)
Title: Scut Hamsters
Pairing: Jaemin, Jaechun
Rating: PG-13 to R
Warning: a little bit WTFs in the latter chapters
Summary: Just another campus life story
CHAPTER 11
"The cancer has invaded almost her entire lung field, unresponsive to chemo and radiation..." A nurse handed me a CT-scan, showing vertical slices of organ covered by plain whiteness. It needed less than seconds to know how tragic the state is.
I returned the photo after a glance. "Her relative has come?"
"Her sister will arrive tomorrow. Hope she'll survive tonight."
"Oh..."
"Okay, I'll leave you with her."
The nurse walked out of the room as I dragged a chair to the bedside and hesitantly sat onto it, watching Anhee, the once energetic patient of mine who had turned unconscious on the bed, malnourished and hopeless. Her neck retracted in a deep and abnormally slow breathing with oxygen cannula dangling below her nose and infusion of sedative dripping, giving her false peace. I always thought that a dying person should hear a pleasant sound of music rather than the depressing, beeping sounds of vital signs monitor that is being played. But then again, can she even hear?
"Come on Ahjuma, you have no clue how much effort I needed to capture this photo..." I didn’t even have a heart to take the photo out of my suit's pocket.
"This time I'm sure he looked genuinely happy..."
A drop of tear rolled from the corner of her eyes. Few years ago I still believed the TV drama that it happened because the person heard us, but then a neurology lecture told me that the cry-like scene was merely a result of random physiological response... or spinal reflex. Thanks to it, my appreciation towards miracle vanished in an instant.
I tried hard to think that it was expected; an old lady, advanced stage cancer, coma, death. A predictable pattern, isn’t it? She was neither my relative nor someone close to me, or someone I had known for a long time. If she died, it wouldn't be the first death I witness.
So what’s the deal? This is hospital, medical world. Human lives come and go. It's not a big deal, is it?
"Ahjuma... give me a break. Haven't you had enough frustrating me before? Don't end it like this. Seriously you're not that old."
Of course she didn't respond.
"You should see that photo, okay? I got it especially for you. You should look at me in awe and admire my talent first, at least make me understand about the nonsense you called as sincere smile…"
I kept babbling, not giving goddamn care whether she was listening or not. First I complained about how she had treated me, how she had been a pain in the ass and practically difficult to understand. How her smug smile annoyed me. Satisfied with those, I continued to the story about Yunho. How that senior of mine had pissed me off with his stoic face and unpredictable order, how he had made me sewed a corpse and how it’s weird that a Yeti like him can be popular, though how my hatred towards him is kind of evaporating lately is weirder.
I even randomly talked about the angel of my life Yoochun, shamelessly admitted that she was right about me being gay. I also talked about Hunsu and my mother.
And of course I talked about Changmin.
Having my mouth sore from talking, I read a book, went out to eat, got more books and returned to her side. Indeed it disturbed me how she had to spend her last moments alone but I couldn’t stop hoping for her to open her eyes, so I could show her the photos. She should have said something to me first. Anything, even if it was sarcastic.
I spent the night on her room’s sofa as the replacement of her sister.
Well, everything about her had never been conventional. When we met we didn’t have a proper greeting, she didn’t look half as helpless as most people with end stage cancer, instead far harsher and wittier than most of healthy Ahjumas in the marketplace. I thought that the touching image shown on the TV series had completely fooled me; therefore I should’ve seen that coming. Departures also, wasn’t always as perfect as those in the TV.
She stopped breathing at the second night. I called a nurse and that’s it, just like that.
No encouraging last words, no relative who cried by her side, not even her last wish had been granted.
As if her life had never happened.
*
*
I shuffle slowly along the hospital corridor, heading towards my dorm with eyes fixated at a nonexistent spot on the floor. Anhee’s body had been taken care of by the nurses -I didn’t follow them. It was weird enough to see that white cloth being pulled over her face, let alone anything more than that. Don’t even start to talk about the preserving process or refrigerator. My mind is blank; probably too chaotic that it felt like blankness instead, if it even makes sense.
The ringing phone of mine has been neglected for a while until I give up and pick it up for the screen shows ‘Umma’ as the caller ID.
“Honey…?” Her voice is full of concern just like usual.
“Oh, hi Umma. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, suddenly I’m worried about you…”
“Umma, you’re always worried.”
“No, this time is real… you’re okay, right?”
I drop my shoulders. There she goes again. “Of course.”
“I’m sorry honey… you know your Umma. I just want to make sure you’re always happy there…”
“I’ve told you I’m happy here… med school is fun and full of cool people.” Really, it’s like scripted. I don’t feel difficult narrating that line, even now.
“Oh, that’s good to hear… I’m just afraid you’re feeling lonely, don’t know why.”
“Why should I feel lonely, I’m always around people day and night.”
“But you hate being with too many people…”
“Yeah, that’s why fussing about me feeling lonely is weird, right? But it’s not too many people either, just perfect.”
“Ah… but still, if there’s something wrong please tell me, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Anyway has Yoochun come back?”
“Not yet, still seven weeks to go…”
“How’s your new roommate?”
“He’s nice. And worry too much just like you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think you’ll like him…”
“Oh, glad to hear that…”
“So just trust your only son and stop worrying, please? You’ll age faster!”
She laughs across the line and says something about me being a cruel kid. After that we exchange sweet callings and baby talks and hangs up. It’s just my routine once a week. Actually my house is in Seoul so she always fusses about me rarely coming back home even though I can always use the hectic schedule as a reason. Well, I want to go home, I miss her. But whenever I come home it’s always so hard to go back. It’s not a good thing.
Finally arrive at the dorm I go straight to my room in the third floor, doing the predictable: shower, wearing sweatpants and sleeveless shirt, throw self to the bed, trying to sleep. And fail. I've never had a problem with being alone so far, therefore I don't understand why tonight it bothers me. Maybe because I've gotten used to have a roommate or just happen to be emotionally disturbed due to Anhee’s death. Either way Changmin's empty bed emphasizes the bleakness and the fact that I'm the only person left in the entire third floor only makes it worse.
I've tried to cure the stiff air with peppermint aromatherapy, listening to my iPod, reading comic books and playing computer games, but they fail to distract me. Hours pass with me changing position restlessly on the bed; in the end I get out of the room and go downstairs, hoping to find the only savior I can think about at this late hour.
After a while calling with a long whistle while roaming around the dorm's garden, finally I find her, eyes glowing like fluorescence, mewling and walking slowly towards my direction .
"Fuwa, there you are..." I bring her to my arms and tickle her neck. "Just this one time, okay? It's so quiet and boring up there. I don't have anchovies, though..." Having Fuwa with me I return to my room, hoping this other living being will make me feel better. After forcing her into shower with my non-hypoallergenic human shampoo (it's not good but oh well), I blow her dry and place her on my bed.
Being the luxury lover a cat is, she rolls around, looking enjoyed. "Stay away from my face. I don't want toxoplasmosis..." I push her towards my legs and lay down with my toe caressing her neck. She falls asleep in no time, faster than predicted. I hope she'll snore but she doesn't so the room still feels empty. Above all else the empty bed with its empty pillow and folded blanket are what bothering me the most. So I sneak out of my blanket slowly, not wanting to wake Fuwa up. (I think she knows I'm moving but too sleepy to care). I open my closet, looking for something to turn the idea bulb on.
Fortunately I find it stuffed on the corner among my unused bags and properties. A green, bald, big-eyed, big headed, wide-mouthed, happy looking alien plushy, wearing a silver-colored outfit, with size twice as big as a basketball. Yeah. My mother came to visit me back when I was still in the second year; I brought her to a game center and we ended up obsessed in a plushy catcher arcade for hours before eventually got this thing instead of the cute duck plushy we targeted. I laughed too much at the pitiful alien's face so she thought I like the thing and decided to leave it in my care. Well, I guess now it comes in handy.
"You're Yoochun.” The plushy doesn’t look objected to the calling. “Geez, I miss you so much, Chunnie. Your last e-mail was too short you know?" I press the alien on both sides of its face. And feel like a total idiot. Oh well, no one sees anyway. I lay the plushy onto Changmin's bed, placing its head right at the pillow before pulling blanket over him, until his neck level. Just as if he's my roommate Yoochun.
After patting the alien's head I step backwards, sit on my bed's edge and watch it from there. Not satisfied, I get up and change the plushy's position, tilting him to my direction. Now it faces my bed instead of the ceiling.
"Yoochun." my voice hangs.
Well... it doesn't seem quite right; maybe because Yoochun had never looked this dumb and pitiful. He doesn't grin in a sheepish way. 'Yoochun' doesn't match this thing.
"Changmin. Changmin-ah." I find myself smiling contentedly by calling the name. It fits.
"Okay, let's sleep." I talk to the air and return to my bed; slipping myself beneath the blanket, accidentally nudge Fuwa while doing so. She doesn't look much disturbed and continues sleeping. It feels less empty with a form of someone on the other bed, even if it's only a poor-looking alien Changmin. I guess my mind is just that screwed to think that way, but I feel calmer and actually manage to bring myself into slumber.
I don't know how long I've been sleeping but Fuwa's mewl followed by warm and gritty surface being grazed against my cheek brings half of my consciousness back. When I open my eyes I see Changmin sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling faintly, a finger stroking my cheek as Fuwa begs for attention around his waist.
At first I thought this is a dream.
But after staring at him for quite a while he doesn't disappear.
"Why are you here...?" I ask with husky voice, struggling to keep my eyes open.
"It's only fun around the village tomorrow so I went back today." He answers while moving some strands of hair from my face.
"How?"
"Train."
I sigh and mumble with eyes closed, "You haven't changed your pants yet you sit on my bed. Train is dirty..."
"Well, I was about to sit on my own bed but someone's occupying the place." He points at alien Changmin and smiles in amusement. My temperature goes a degree higher, swearing that I won’t let him know the alien's name no matter what.
"Uhm... it's not mine, okay? It supposed to be my mother's."
"Okay, okay." He giggles. "I don't mind sharing a bed with him."
Finally manage to defeat the heavy eyelids; I get up to have a better view of him and sit with legs flexed.
“So... your patient...?" he hesitantly asks.
"Just as predicted."
"... I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay. Like I said, it's predicted."
He nods slowly, letting Fuwa sprawls comfortably over his lap as he brushes her back.
"She knows you?" I ask.
"She's just being friendly I think."
"Okay. Now go shower." I push him and fall back into the bed, staring at alien Changmin while thinking of how his face isn't a very enjoyable one to look at in the morning. Not that the real Changmin's face is enjoyable though, but at least he isn't green or has exophthalmia* occupying half of his face.
While picking some clothes from his closet Changmin sighs, sounding relieved. "I'm glad I'm here tonight, Hyung.
Honestly I should be the one to say that.
*
*
So far, Saturday has never been a productive day for both of us, no matter how Changmin’s mom (remember the hyperactive lady with backpack? Yeah, her) has been constantly bugging us to go on a date at Saturday. From some leaking conversation on the other day I got an impression that Mrs.Shim wouldn’t mind even if Changmin dated a boy; unlike my mother, who’d probably drenched in tears and depression but too love me to say ‘no’ to anything that I wanted. Uhm, sorry Umma.
Anyway, I should admit that the gloom of Anhee’s death hasn’t seemed to leave me. It would be better if only I could cry over it but I couldn’t, probably because I can’t even believe it let alone accept it sincerely. I can’t stop musing; asking many things no one can answer. All those whys are suffocating and prevents me to do anything else rather than looking dumb in my bed, staring at the ceiling.
“Hyung… let’s go somewhere.” Changmin expresses the idea as he flips the book he has been reading and takes off his glasses.
“Nah, I don’t feel like going anywhere.”
“Come on, everybody is having fun in Iksan. We should have fun too, at least looking for fresh air.”
I sigh and curl deeper beneath my blanket, shielding myself from his voice. Unexpectedly he’s persistent enough to approach me and pulls my blanket away. I’ve said it before right; lately he’s becoming more daring as if whatever I do will gives him no harm.
“Nooo…” I whine.
“Come oooonnn…..” He whines back, mimicking my tone. Pissed off at his attitude, I grab a pillow and slap it against his face.
“You’re annoying!!” I shout, but can’t bear to make it harsh enough to be believable.
He takes a place on the bed, facing me. “Hyung, I hate to see you like this.”
“See me like what?”
“Well… lifeless and… uhm… sluggish?”
I drop my jaw at term he used before beating him more with the pillow. “S-S-S-Sluggish!!??”
“S-Sorry Hyung, but I can’t think of a more suitable word!!” He dodges and uses arms to fend himself from my attack.
After a blow lands successfully on the back of his head I stop. “Where are we going to?”
“My mother’s friend. She’s a pastry chef, so I asked her to make cookies for Kibum’s birthday present on the other day, and today--”
“I PASS.”
“But why?”
“If you want to take that present for Kibum, why don’t you go with him instead?”
“Well it won’t be a surprise anymore if he knows.” He shrugs. Ah. He’s right.
“…………………..whatever, I pass.” I insist unreasonably.
“But Hyung, I also asked her to make cheesecake with coconut for you. I think you’ll like it. And we’ll go anywhere you want after that, I promise.”
I don’t know whether it’s the ‘coconut cheesecake’ word or his begging puppy eyes, but eventually I give up and head to the closet to get myself changed. He smiles happily while I grunt something about him being annoyingly stubborn and gets changed also.
“I’m ready.” I tell him. Don’t know what’s wrong with my appearance but Changmin chokes in his laughter.
“What?”
“Your T-shirt…” He chuckles again.
I notice that I wear a T-shirt with the picture of alien Changmin imprinted on it. Well, it's a long story how my mother ended up buying that thing for me.
“Ugh… I’ll change.”
“Don’t, it’s cute. Hehehe.”
Oh, I don’t like the way he laugh. So I change the T-shirt anyway.
Done with everything, I feed Fuwa biscuits for the last time before returning her to the garden and apologize for not having something better as a bribe for accompanying me through the night. She walks lazily to the bushes while we make our way out of the dorm gate, walking side by side down the slopping road. Unlike me Changmin seems in a very good mood. He walks lightly, kind of floating in every step and hums a tune. I follow him whenever he goes and respond to the chat very few along the way, mostly 'hmm' and 'ah I see.' I don't really feel like talking.
Undoubtedly Changmin’s accusation about me being sluggish is right. Unlike the usual me, I don't get mad when he chooses the wrong buses and leads us to the wrong way, making us waste hours to roam around the city in blind exploration. Apparently it has been years since the last time he visited that place. Feeling guilty, he apologizes over and over and eventually hangs his mouth open when I only pat his back as a reply.
"Hyung..." He hugs me out of sudden. I thought he's going to tell me something around 'everything's gonna be okay', but then he says, "You really need to eat that coconut cheesecake soon."
That's when I kick his shin. "I hate you.", I snap. How can he make me look like a kid by hugging me and talks about a cake in front of many people?
After hours being astray we finally find the house. He squeals in excitement upon seeing the house he recognizes and jogs happily pass the unlocked gate.
In front of the door he presses the bell and calls, "Seonbin Nuna..."
No one opens the door. He presses the bell again and still no one answers.
"Maybe she's not home. You've told her you'll come?" I ask and yawn.
He delays breathing. "Ah..."
"You haven't told her!?"
"I... Forget...." He drops his head low.
We slouch weakly, remembering all those efforts to reach this place.
"IDIOT." I curse.
"S-Sorry..."
"I'll break your neck..." In a swift his neck is pulled down, strangled between my arm and armpit as I eagerly knuckle his fontanel. He giggles hysterically and begs for mercy without making effort to fight the brutality back.
"You're always so stupid!!" I explode.
"Y-yes..."
"People would call before they visited!"
"I'm sorry Hyung!"
"Geez, now I want--"
My protest is cut off by the creaking sound of the door that's being opened slowly, revealing a shocking sight of a pale-faced pregnant lady, sweating and heaving in pain, holding her distended tummy. "Oh, Changmin-ah..." her voice is barely a whisper.
For some miliseconds, we freeze.
"N-N-Nuna!!" with brain finally functions Changmin quickly reaches hands to support the wobbled body while I need longer time to register what's going on. Changmin asks how old her pregnancy is and after she mentions a certain number I realize we're facing one of the probably scariest events in human's life.
"God, Nuna! Where's your husband?" we get into the house, laid her on the nearest sofa and too panic to even look around the new environment.
The lady trembles, blowing air from her mouth. "I can't reach him... I've called an ambulance too but don't know why-“ She shut her eyes. OH WAIT IT’S COMING."
"WHAT'S COMING!!??" I scream, afraid she'll deliver the baby right away.
"H-Hyung I-I think she means the contraction..."
We stun like idiots as the lady squeals in pain.
"Nuna, how long have you been like this?" Changmin asks, rubbing the back of her hand to comfort her and beckoning me to do the same thing. I take a spot by her side awkwardly, failing to stop my nose from scrunching due to a certain unpleasant smell coming from her.
"Three hours..." she answers, massaging her tummy.
"Well, I guess we still have-"
"How many times you've given birth before?" I ask, cutting Changmin's statement of relief.
"F-Four..."
For an obvious reason I hate that answer.
"Multiparaaaaaa." * I whisper, pulling Changmin's sleeve and shake it anxiously.
"C-Calm down Hyung, calm down... the ambulance will come... Nuna, take a deep breath, okay?"
"OH GOD IT'S COMING AGAIN!!!" the lady scream as me and Changmin look at each other helplessly, half freaking out.
"The contraction is already intense...?" Changmin whispers to me while monitoring his wristwatch.
"Yeah, let's bring her to the hospi- " I pause when seeing a drop of blood trails along the lady's leg. "OH CRAP WHY IS THAT!!??"
"H-Hyung, bleeding like that is normal, right? N-Nuna, did you bleed more than this before?"
The lady shakes her head while struggling to breathe regularly, glancing at the clock, expecting the ambulance. "Why it takes so long... ?" she almost cries.
"Hyung. C-can you do this?" Changmin reluctantly forms a pistol sign with his thumb and two opposable digits, implying vaginal examination.
"HOW THE HELL I CAN!!??" I blurt out. After all we're just 4th year scuts and none of us had passed clinical obstetric.
To make it worse, I've never even seen a birth other than that video we were forced to watch on the third year! And I closed my eyes that time.
Changmin looks at the writhing lady in horror and bits his lips before asking, "Nuna, I'm so sorry for this..." He unveils her one piece maternity dress and bends her legs, exposing her bloody vagina. Bloody, mucous-trickled, bulging vagina
In reflex I step back, shut my eyes and clutch the nearest desk for support, trying hard not to pass out seeing the graphic violence-like scene. I clench my jaw and groan from the deep of my throat, "Cccchhhaaaaaanngminnnwhatareyou goingtodo??????"
I guess Seonbin Nuna knows that we’re med school students because if I were her I’d freak out and threw kitchen utensils at us, and of course bawling about the lack of quality ambulances in this country have. But then again could it be the ambulance is lost on the way, just like we were earlier?
"H-Hyung, I think the ambulance won't come in time..."
Changmin is always pitiful, but I guarantee my face now looks far more pitiful.
"Ugh... Changmin-ah, you might need to know that I failed to get A on third year's obstetric theory class..."
"Me too, Hyung..."
"How much did you get?"
"B. You?"
"...........................B plus."
Oh, how I don't like that looks of adoration across his face, not this time.
"Hyung, I'm counting on you."
"Are you insane!? It's highly risky here and we-"
"Oh God oh God oh God the baby's coming!!!" The lady screams again as both of our minds are still far from being coherent.
"Seonbin Nuna, don't push!! Don't push, hold on!!"
"Changmin-ah it’s now, it’s now!!, b-b-bucket!!! ki-ki-kitchen!!! “She begs in panic and points at a direction.
At this moment what’s echoing inside my head is only a big, loud, 'NOOOOOOOO'
Changmin nods, forcing himself to be braver. "Okay, wait here, Nuna."
"Hey, don't leave me!!!!" I yell in panic when he dashes towards the kitchen.
I quickly dash after him.
"H-Hyung, don't leave her alone!!" He lashes a horrid face while picking two pairs of yellow wash gloves from the kitchen's basin. He's going to use that!?
"Min, I don't want a dead mother due to infection, postpartum hemorrhage and rupture of perineum!"
"We have no choice, if we bring her out now she might drop the baby along the way!"
"But I don't know how to do this!! I can't do this!!"
"S-She had given birth before… she'll know what to do, right…?"
Hopeless with the argument, I rush back to the living room where the lady is ready on the floor with lithotomic* position. Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck I can’t even keep my eyes fully open, the view is too horrible.
Soon Changmin returns from the kitchen. "Hyung, wear this." He hands me a pink, flower patterned cooking apron and a pair of wash gloves. The same things are already on him.
Then my eyeballs almost pop out when he nods an apology and inserts two digits into the lady's vagina.
He's insane, I tell you. He's insane.
"W-W-What did you find??" I ask, apprehensive.
"Uh.... was that a head?" He mutters hesitantly, pulling out fingers covered with blood and yellowish substance.
"C-C-Complete dilation!!!!???"
"I....... think.... so. S-Should she start pushing?"
Okay, I’m not even sure he actually knows what surfaces he has just touched with those fingers. None of us had done obstetric examinations to real women before, but I know most scuts could only report ‘tight and warm’ after their first trial on vaginal touché.
“You sure it’s a head?” I can’t help but doubting his ability.
“What’s another hard thing inside vagina?”
“……Pubic bones?”
“No no, definitely not bones.”
Head.
“….. NUNA, PUSH IT!!” I shriek out.
“I suppose to push only when the pain of contraction comes… now I’m not feeling it…” The lady smiles weakly.
Both me and Changmin can only form a big ‘O’ with our mouths.
“Changmin! How could you not know a thing as simple as that?” I blame him irresponsibly to save my reputation, before returning attention to the lady.
Few seconds pass without the contraction.
“Nuna, giving birth is always like this?” I ask dumbly.
She smiles again. “It used to be more frightening, but since you guys are so funny…”
We drop our heads low.
“In TV drama there’s no idle moment like this… “ I whisper next to Changmin’s ear.
“Well, the air time would run out only for the giving birth scene…”He reasons.
“OH IT’S COMING.” The lady informs before she starts the pushing. Changmin is startled with something he almost forgets; a cloth to shield the back of the lady’s hip. After that he’s just as clueless as me at deciding what to do.
“Eeeeeerrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh……….!!!!!!!” The lady put both hands behind her knees, flexing her legs and pushes them closer to her body while giving a long, uninterrupted push, so hard that her face turns all red and veins dilated on her temples and forehead. Changmin presses a piece of cloth on the space between her vagina and anus to prevent the skin from tearing too bad.
God blesses him because I completely forget about that.
Then it thrills me weirdly when her birth access protrudes outward as a black, slimy, hairy surface force its way out.
“Come on Nuna, I see the head!!” I stroke her knee for support. She trembles all over, screaming, fighting back the pain with all of her strength to let the unknown being reveals its eyes, nose, and mouth, inch by inch in a depressingly horrifying way. The thing faces to the side, the most common direction, but still I can’t be at ease.
We hear the ambulance’s siren but none of us can leave this kind of situation.
Ignoring the people's call by the door, Changmin secures the baby’s head between his palms. I splay another cloth over the lady’s tummy while cheering her and staring at the seemingly lifeless thing worriedly; afraid that it won’t move, afraid that Changmin might do something wrong, even afraid that the thing will be sucked back into the womb.
The last push is the hardest; it expels the baby together with gallons of blood and yellowish liquid. I won’t lie that it’s freaking disgusting but the wet ball of mess feels funny when I hold its body by the armpits to put it onto the its mother’s tummy -a long, white, slimy umbilical cord still connecting the baby to its origin.
I’m stunned, my body hair erect as the thing cries loudly while Seonbin Nuna holds him, wipes him and smiles happily.
It moves. It really moves.
How…?
Were we all born like that?
“Oh God, for God’s sake, Seonbin-ah!!!”
It's either I'm under a spell or my blood glucose and adrenaline had run out for the frantic process; I can only watch and being mute as a man rushes to her and kisses her forehead joyfully. Along with him are troops of people from the hospital and the other family members, finally come to save the frantic situation.
“Hyung…”
I turn to the side to meet Changmin’s eyes staring at me, gentleness drawn on them.
“Y-Yeah..?” My voice wavers.
“You’re crying…”
*
*
In the end the reinforcement continued the disastrous event, thank God because obviously we both would be in big trouble if we were to help her delivering placenta, not to mention treating the rupture and bleeding with such lack of instruments.
They quickly took over the things and brought Seonbin to the hospital while her mother-in-law stayed to take care of us, giving us food, waters and clothes to change. It was funny how she bowed us thank you over and over after such unqualified action we did.
We returned home silently after that; too shock and tired to speak much, and didn't even remember the reason we went there in the first place.
I’m trying to think that it's the work of parasympathetic nerve after the tension that now tears can't stop leaking from my eyes no matter how I've pulled my face as sternest as it can be and try not to make any sound. It's embarrassing how tissues piled up around my pillow while I try to act unaffected by sitting on my bed, playing a loud game on the laptop with back against Changmin.
Actually I'm not really playing the 'shoot the zombie' game, just clicking on random spots to show that roommate of mine that I'm not sluggish. Well, needless to say my mind is drifting somewhere else. The scene we witnessed only adds to my musing and messed up emotions.
A mother dying alone waits for her daughter to come, the same daughter whose birth she once celebrated so joyfully… questions and images just clash inside my mind.
The 'Game over' screen mocks me with a 'booo'. I quickly closed the laptop and shove it under my bed.
"You're always so honest when you're angry... why can't you be honest when you're sad?" Changmin interrupts my silence.
I sigh, gather the tissues stuffed near my feet and get up to take them into the trash bin near the door.
"Hyung, look at me..." He says. I halt before the closet for a jacket while refraining myself from answering since I just don’t know what to say at the moment.
Then I feel a pair of arms wrap my body from behind, hands rove to find mine, entwining our fingers, bring my arms crossed over my waist with his owns overlapping them. Chest presses against my back.
Gentle kisses trail along my shoulder, my neck, jaw; ticklish like cotton. The last one on my cheek is longer and firmer.
"Not now, Changmin-ah..."
"I won't...."
"What do you want?"
He holds me tighter, resting his forehead on my shoulder. "Talk to me, please?"
After some milliseconds I realize I'm closing my eyes and leaning against him, sniffing his hair, almost lost in the comfort.
"Gosh, this is embarrassing." I break away and return to the bed, slipping into the blanket.
He looks hesitated whether to pester me or let it go, but eventually chooses the first option. Wordlessly he sits next to me, rubbing my head like what a kindergarten teacher would do to her crying student.
"Stop it." I swat his hand away right when tears ooze out. That kind of action only makes me weaker. He doesn’t look hurt, more like anticipating what I’m about to say.
“Why don’t you… tell me a joke?”
He seems surprise at my sudden request. “You mean the ones you called lame?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh oh, I have one.”
“Tell me tell me.” I get up.
He clears his throat before starting. “At the New Years Eve, a grandson who loves his grandma very much came to visit her. ‘How are you doing, grandma.’ He said. ‘Fine, sweetheart. Do you bring something for me?’ The grandma asked. Then the grandson gave her a new calendar. ‘Here’s this year calendar for you.’ He said. The grandma answered, ‘Omo, you don’t need to. The last year calendar is still in a good shape.’”
He stares at me in anticipation and I rub his back as a reply. “That’s funny.” I comment, resulting his eyes widen in excitement.
“Really!?”
I nod and force a smile but tears threatened to fall. I quickly look down and try to get my laptop to make it less obvious.
“Please, I’m here, I’ll be listening.” He takes the laptop from my hand and places it back to the floor. "Share it with me, you’ll feel better, Hyung…”
I lay back on the bed while he stays still, sitting next to me.
"It’s not that I don’t want to talk it out…” I finally confess. “I just… can't come out with words. There are so many things inside my chest now and I can't sort it out... It's on the tip of my tongue, but just... won't come out."
He doesn’t say anything and I only dare enough to look at my fingers.
"Maybe next time I can talk about it…” I continue. “But now it's just a messed up emotion and hard to deal with.”
“… I understand.”
“You won’t. It’s just me being weird anyway.”
I feel a warm hand takes mine and grips it in assuring manner. "No, I know that feeling so well... exactly like that… every word.” He says.
“Really?
“Yeah.”
“Good." I pull him to lay by my side. "Now give me another joke.”
He enthusiastically narrates another lame story and though it's still as lame as ever, don’t know why this time I laugh so loud over it.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
* exophtalmia : eyeballs that kind of bulging.
* Multipara: a mother who had given birth to more than one/many children; the more the children, the process of delivering baby is getting faster but might have complications
* lithotomic position: lying with legs flexed, the position of woman delivering baby
Pairing: Jaemin, Jaechun
Rating: PG-13 to R
Warning: a little bit WTFs in the latter chapters
Summary: Just another campus life story
CHAPTER 11
"The cancer has invaded almost her entire lung field, unresponsive to chemo and radiation..." A nurse handed me a CT-scan, showing vertical slices of organ covered by plain whiteness. It needed less than seconds to know how tragic the state is.
I returned the photo after a glance. "Her relative has come?"
"Her sister will arrive tomorrow. Hope she'll survive tonight."
"Oh..."
"Okay, I'll leave you with her."
The nurse walked out of the room as I dragged a chair to the bedside and hesitantly sat onto it, watching Anhee, the once energetic patient of mine who had turned unconscious on the bed, malnourished and hopeless. Her neck retracted in a deep and abnormally slow breathing with oxygen cannula dangling below her nose and infusion of sedative dripping, giving her false peace. I always thought that a dying person should hear a pleasant sound of music rather than the depressing, beeping sounds of vital signs monitor that is being played. But then again, can she even hear?
"Come on Ahjuma, you have no clue how much effort I needed to capture this photo..." I didn’t even have a heart to take the photo out of my suit's pocket.
"This time I'm sure he looked genuinely happy..."
A drop of tear rolled from the corner of her eyes. Few years ago I still believed the TV drama that it happened because the person heard us, but then a neurology lecture told me that the cry-like scene was merely a result of random physiological response... or spinal reflex. Thanks to it, my appreciation towards miracle vanished in an instant.
I tried hard to think that it was expected; an old lady, advanced stage cancer, coma, death. A predictable pattern, isn’t it? She was neither my relative nor someone close to me, or someone I had known for a long time. If she died, it wouldn't be the first death I witness.
So what’s the deal? This is hospital, medical world. Human lives come and go. It's not a big deal, is it?
"Ahjuma... give me a break. Haven't you had enough frustrating me before? Don't end it like this. Seriously you're not that old."
Of course she didn't respond.
"You should see that photo, okay? I got it especially for you. You should look at me in awe and admire my talent first, at least make me understand about the nonsense you called as sincere smile…"
I kept babbling, not giving goddamn care whether she was listening or not. First I complained about how she had treated me, how she had been a pain in the ass and practically difficult to understand. How her smug smile annoyed me. Satisfied with those, I continued to the story about Yunho. How that senior of mine had pissed me off with his stoic face and unpredictable order, how he had made me sewed a corpse and how it’s weird that a Yeti like him can be popular, though how my hatred towards him is kind of evaporating lately is weirder.
I even randomly talked about the angel of my life Yoochun, shamelessly admitted that she was right about me being gay. I also talked about Hunsu and my mother.
And of course I talked about Changmin.
Having my mouth sore from talking, I read a book, went out to eat, got more books and returned to her side. Indeed it disturbed me how she had to spend her last moments alone but I couldn’t stop hoping for her to open her eyes, so I could show her the photos. She should have said something to me first. Anything, even if it was sarcastic.
I spent the night on her room’s sofa as the replacement of her sister.
Well, everything about her had never been conventional. When we met we didn’t have a proper greeting, she didn’t look half as helpless as most people with end stage cancer, instead far harsher and wittier than most of healthy Ahjumas in the marketplace. I thought that the touching image shown on the TV series had completely fooled me; therefore I should’ve seen that coming. Departures also, wasn’t always as perfect as those in the TV.
She stopped breathing at the second night. I called a nurse and that’s it, just like that.
No encouraging last words, no relative who cried by her side, not even her last wish had been granted.
As if her life had never happened.
*
*
I shuffle slowly along the hospital corridor, heading towards my dorm with eyes fixated at a nonexistent spot on the floor. Anhee’s body had been taken care of by the nurses -I didn’t follow them. It was weird enough to see that white cloth being pulled over her face, let alone anything more than that. Don’t even start to talk about the preserving process or refrigerator. My mind is blank; probably too chaotic that it felt like blankness instead, if it even makes sense.
The ringing phone of mine has been neglected for a while until I give up and pick it up for the screen shows ‘Umma’ as the caller ID.
“Honey…?” Her voice is full of concern just like usual.
“Oh, hi Umma. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, suddenly I’m worried about you…”
“Umma, you’re always worried.”
“No, this time is real… you’re okay, right?”
I drop my shoulders. There she goes again. “Of course.”
“I’m sorry honey… you know your Umma. I just want to make sure you’re always happy there…”
“I’ve told you I’m happy here… med school is fun and full of cool people.” Really, it’s like scripted. I don’t feel difficult narrating that line, even now.
“Oh, that’s good to hear… I’m just afraid you’re feeling lonely, don’t know why.”
“Why should I feel lonely, I’m always around people day and night.”
“But you hate being with too many people…”
“Yeah, that’s why fussing about me feeling lonely is weird, right? But it’s not too many people either, just perfect.”
“Ah… but still, if there’s something wrong please tell me, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Anyway has Yoochun come back?”
“Not yet, still seven weeks to go…”
“How’s your new roommate?”
“He’s nice. And worry too much just like you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think you’ll like him…”
“Oh, glad to hear that…”
“So just trust your only son and stop worrying, please? You’ll age faster!”
She laughs across the line and says something about me being a cruel kid. After that we exchange sweet callings and baby talks and hangs up. It’s just my routine once a week. Actually my house is in Seoul so she always fusses about me rarely coming back home even though I can always use the hectic schedule as a reason. Well, I want to go home, I miss her. But whenever I come home it’s always so hard to go back. It’s not a good thing.
Finally arrive at the dorm I go straight to my room in the third floor, doing the predictable: shower, wearing sweatpants and sleeveless shirt, throw self to the bed, trying to sleep. And fail. I've never had a problem with being alone so far, therefore I don't understand why tonight it bothers me. Maybe because I've gotten used to have a roommate or just happen to be emotionally disturbed due to Anhee’s death. Either way Changmin's empty bed emphasizes the bleakness and the fact that I'm the only person left in the entire third floor only makes it worse.
I've tried to cure the stiff air with peppermint aromatherapy, listening to my iPod, reading comic books and playing computer games, but they fail to distract me. Hours pass with me changing position restlessly on the bed; in the end I get out of the room and go downstairs, hoping to find the only savior I can think about at this late hour.
After a while calling with a long whistle while roaming around the dorm's garden, finally I find her, eyes glowing like fluorescence, mewling and walking slowly towards my direction .
"Fuwa, there you are..." I bring her to my arms and tickle her neck. "Just this one time, okay? It's so quiet and boring up there. I don't have anchovies, though..." Having Fuwa with me I return to my room, hoping this other living being will make me feel better. After forcing her into shower with my non-hypoallergenic human shampoo (it's not good but oh well), I blow her dry and place her on my bed.
Being the luxury lover a cat is, she rolls around, looking enjoyed. "Stay away from my face. I don't want toxoplasmosis..." I push her towards my legs and lay down with my toe caressing her neck. She falls asleep in no time, faster than predicted. I hope she'll snore but she doesn't so the room still feels empty. Above all else the empty bed with its empty pillow and folded blanket are what bothering me the most. So I sneak out of my blanket slowly, not wanting to wake Fuwa up. (I think she knows I'm moving but too sleepy to care). I open my closet, looking for something to turn the idea bulb on.
Fortunately I find it stuffed on the corner among my unused bags and properties. A green, bald, big-eyed, big headed, wide-mouthed, happy looking alien plushy, wearing a silver-colored outfit, with size twice as big as a basketball. Yeah. My mother came to visit me back when I was still in the second year; I brought her to a game center and we ended up obsessed in a plushy catcher arcade for hours before eventually got this thing instead of the cute duck plushy we targeted. I laughed too much at the pitiful alien's face so she thought I like the thing and decided to leave it in my care. Well, I guess now it comes in handy.
"You're Yoochun.” The plushy doesn’t look objected to the calling. “Geez, I miss you so much, Chunnie. Your last e-mail was too short you know?" I press the alien on both sides of its face. And feel like a total idiot. Oh well, no one sees anyway. I lay the plushy onto Changmin's bed, placing its head right at the pillow before pulling blanket over him, until his neck level. Just as if he's my roommate Yoochun.
After patting the alien's head I step backwards, sit on my bed's edge and watch it from there. Not satisfied, I get up and change the plushy's position, tilting him to my direction. Now it faces my bed instead of the ceiling.
"Yoochun." my voice hangs.
Well... it doesn't seem quite right; maybe because Yoochun had never looked this dumb and pitiful. He doesn't grin in a sheepish way. 'Yoochun' doesn't match this thing.
"Changmin. Changmin-ah." I find myself smiling contentedly by calling the name. It fits.
"Okay, let's sleep." I talk to the air and return to my bed; slipping myself beneath the blanket, accidentally nudge Fuwa while doing so. She doesn't look much disturbed and continues sleeping. It feels less empty with a form of someone on the other bed, even if it's only a poor-looking alien Changmin. I guess my mind is just that screwed to think that way, but I feel calmer and actually manage to bring myself into slumber.
I don't know how long I've been sleeping but Fuwa's mewl followed by warm and gritty surface being grazed against my cheek brings half of my consciousness back. When I open my eyes I see Changmin sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling faintly, a finger stroking my cheek as Fuwa begs for attention around his waist.
At first I thought this is a dream.
But after staring at him for quite a while he doesn't disappear.
"Why are you here...?" I ask with husky voice, struggling to keep my eyes open.
"It's only fun around the village tomorrow so I went back today." He answers while moving some strands of hair from my face.
"How?"
"Train."
I sigh and mumble with eyes closed, "You haven't changed your pants yet you sit on my bed. Train is dirty..."
"Well, I was about to sit on my own bed but someone's occupying the place." He points at alien Changmin and smiles in amusement. My temperature goes a degree higher, swearing that I won’t let him know the alien's name no matter what.
"Uhm... it's not mine, okay? It supposed to be my mother's."
"Okay, okay." He giggles. "I don't mind sharing a bed with him."
Finally manage to defeat the heavy eyelids; I get up to have a better view of him and sit with legs flexed.
“So... your patient...?" he hesitantly asks.
"Just as predicted."
"... I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay. Like I said, it's predicted."
He nods slowly, letting Fuwa sprawls comfortably over his lap as he brushes her back.
"She knows you?" I ask.
"She's just being friendly I think."
"Okay. Now go shower." I push him and fall back into the bed, staring at alien Changmin while thinking of how his face isn't a very enjoyable one to look at in the morning. Not that the real Changmin's face is enjoyable though, but at least he isn't green or has exophthalmia* occupying half of his face.
While picking some clothes from his closet Changmin sighs, sounding relieved. "I'm glad I'm here tonight, Hyung.
Honestly I should be the one to say that.
*
*
So far, Saturday has never been a productive day for both of us, no matter how Changmin’s mom (remember the hyperactive lady with backpack? Yeah, her) has been constantly bugging us to go on a date at Saturday. From some leaking conversation on the other day I got an impression that Mrs.Shim wouldn’t mind even if Changmin dated a boy; unlike my mother, who’d probably drenched in tears and depression but too love me to say ‘no’ to anything that I wanted. Uhm, sorry Umma.
Anyway, I should admit that the gloom of Anhee’s death hasn’t seemed to leave me. It would be better if only I could cry over it but I couldn’t, probably because I can’t even believe it let alone accept it sincerely. I can’t stop musing; asking many things no one can answer. All those whys are suffocating and prevents me to do anything else rather than looking dumb in my bed, staring at the ceiling.
“Hyung… let’s go somewhere.” Changmin expresses the idea as he flips the book he has been reading and takes off his glasses.
“Nah, I don’t feel like going anywhere.”
“Come on, everybody is having fun in Iksan. We should have fun too, at least looking for fresh air.”
I sigh and curl deeper beneath my blanket, shielding myself from his voice. Unexpectedly he’s persistent enough to approach me and pulls my blanket away. I’ve said it before right; lately he’s becoming more daring as if whatever I do will gives him no harm.
“Nooo…” I whine.
“Come oooonnn…..” He whines back, mimicking my tone. Pissed off at his attitude, I grab a pillow and slap it against his face.
“You’re annoying!!” I shout, but can’t bear to make it harsh enough to be believable.
He takes a place on the bed, facing me. “Hyung, I hate to see you like this.”
“See me like what?”
“Well… lifeless and… uhm… sluggish?”
I drop my jaw at term he used before beating him more with the pillow. “S-S-S-Sluggish!!??”
“S-Sorry Hyung, but I can’t think of a more suitable word!!” He dodges and uses arms to fend himself from my attack.
After a blow lands successfully on the back of his head I stop. “Where are we going to?”
“My mother’s friend. She’s a pastry chef, so I asked her to make cookies for Kibum’s birthday present on the other day, and today--”
“I PASS.”
“But why?”
“If you want to take that present for Kibum, why don’t you go with him instead?”
“Well it won’t be a surprise anymore if he knows.” He shrugs. Ah. He’s right.
“…………………..whatever, I pass.” I insist unreasonably.
“But Hyung, I also asked her to make cheesecake with coconut for you. I think you’ll like it. And we’ll go anywhere you want after that, I promise.”
I don’t know whether it’s the ‘coconut cheesecake’ word or his begging puppy eyes, but eventually I give up and head to the closet to get myself changed. He smiles happily while I grunt something about him being annoyingly stubborn and gets changed also.
“I’m ready.” I tell him. Don’t know what’s wrong with my appearance but Changmin chokes in his laughter.
“What?”
“Your T-shirt…” He chuckles again.
I notice that I wear a T-shirt with the picture of alien Changmin imprinted on it. Well, it's a long story how my mother ended up buying that thing for me.
“Ugh… I’ll change.”
“Don’t, it’s cute. Hehehe.”
Oh, I don’t like the way he laugh. So I change the T-shirt anyway.
Done with everything, I feed Fuwa biscuits for the last time before returning her to the garden and apologize for not having something better as a bribe for accompanying me through the night. She walks lazily to the bushes while we make our way out of the dorm gate, walking side by side down the slopping road. Unlike me Changmin seems in a very good mood. He walks lightly, kind of floating in every step and hums a tune. I follow him whenever he goes and respond to the chat very few along the way, mostly 'hmm' and 'ah I see.' I don't really feel like talking.
Undoubtedly Changmin’s accusation about me being sluggish is right. Unlike the usual me, I don't get mad when he chooses the wrong buses and leads us to the wrong way, making us waste hours to roam around the city in blind exploration. Apparently it has been years since the last time he visited that place. Feeling guilty, he apologizes over and over and eventually hangs his mouth open when I only pat his back as a reply.
"Hyung..." He hugs me out of sudden. I thought he's going to tell me something around 'everything's gonna be okay', but then he says, "You really need to eat that coconut cheesecake soon."
That's when I kick his shin. "I hate you.", I snap. How can he make me look like a kid by hugging me and talks about a cake in front of many people?
After hours being astray we finally find the house. He squeals in excitement upon seeing the house he recognizes and jogs happily pass the unlocked gate.
In front of the door he presses the bell and calls, "Seonbin Nuna..."
No one opens the door. He presses the bell again and still no one answers.
"Maybe she's not home. You've told her you'll come?" I ask and yawn.
He delays breathing. "Ah..."
"You haven't told her!?"
"I... Forget...." He drops his head low.
We slouch weakly, remembering all those efforts to reach this place.
"IDIOT." I curse.
"S-Sorry..."
"I'll break your neck..." In a swift his neck is pulled down, strangled between my arm and armpit as I eagerly knuckle his fontanel. He giggles hysterically and begs for mercy without making effort to fight the brutality back.
"You're always so stupid!!" I explode.
"Y-yes..."
"People would call before they visited!"
"I'm sorry Hyung!"
"Geez, now I want--"
My protest is cut off by the creaking sound of the door that's being opened slowly, revealing a shocking sight of a pale-faced pregnant lady, sweating and heaving in pain, holding her distended tummy. "Oh, Changmin-ah..." her voice is barely a whisper.
For some miliseconds, we freeze.
"N-N-Nuna!!" with brain finally functions Changmin quickly reaches hands to support the wobbled body while I need longer time to register what's going on. Changmin asks how old her pregnancy is and after she mentions a certain number I realize we're facing one of the probably scariest events in human's life.
"God, Nuna! Where's your husband?" we get into the house, laid her on the nearest sofa and too panic to even look around the new environment.
The lady trembles, blowing air from her mouth. "I can't reach him... I've called an ambulance too but don't know why-“ She shut her eyes. OH WAIT IT’S COMING."
"WHAT'S COMING!!??" I scream, afraid she'll deliver the baby right away.
"H-Hyung I-I think she means the contraction..."
We stun like idiots as the lady squeals in pain.
"Nuna, how long have you been like this?" Changmin asks, rubbing the back of her hand to comfort her and beckoning me to do the same thing. I take a spot by her side awkwardly, failing to stop my nose from scrunching due to a certain unpleasant smell coming from her.
"Three hours..." she answers, massaging her tummy.
"Well, I guess we still have-"
"How many times you've given birth before?" I ask, cutting Changmin's statement of relief.
"F-Four..."
For an obvious reason I hate that answer.
"Multiparaaaaaa." * I whisper, pulling Changmin's sleeve and shake it anxiously.
"C-Calm down Hyung, calm down... the ambulance will come... Nuna, take a deep breath, okay?"
"OH GOD IT'S COMING AGAIN!!!" the lady scream as me and Changmin look at each other helplessly, half freaking out.
"The contraction is already intense...?" Changmin whispers to me while monitoring his wristwatch.
"Yeah, let's bring her to the hospi- " I pause when seeing a drop of blood trails along the lady's leg. "OH CRAP WHY IS THAT!!??"
"H-Hyung, bleeding like that is normal, right? N-Nuna, did you bleed more than this before?"
The lady shakes her head while struggling to breathe regularly, glancing at the clock, expecting the ambulance. "Why it takes so long... ?" she almost cries.
"Hyung. C-can you do this?" Changmin reluctantly forms a pistol sign with his thumb and two opposable digits, implying vaginal examination.
"HOW THE HELL I CAN!!??" I blurt out. After all we're just 4th year scuts and none of us had passed clinical obstetric.
To make it worse, I've never even seen a birth other than that video we were forced to watch on the third year! And I closed my eyes that time.
Changmin looks at the writhing lady in horror and bits his lips before asking, "Nuna, I'm so sorry for this..." He unveils her one piece maternity dress and bends her legs, exposing her bloody vagina. Bloody, mucous-trickled, bulging vagina
In reflex I step back, shut my eyes and clutch the nearest desk for support, trying hard not to pass out seeing the graphic violence-like scene. I clench my jaw and groan from the deep of my throat, "Cccchhhaaaaaanngminnnwhatareyou goingtodo??????"
I guess Seonbin Nuna knows that we’re med school students because if I were her I’d freak out and threw kitchen utensils at us, and of course bawling about the lack of quality ambulances in this country have. But then again could it be the ambulance is lost on the way, just like we were earlier?
"H-Hyung, I think the ambulance won't come in time..."
Changmin is always pitiful, but I guarantee my face now looks far more pitiful.
"Ugh... Changmin-ah, you might need to know that I failed to get A on third year's obstetric theory class..."
"Me too, Hyung..."
"How much did you get?"
"B. You?"
"...........................B plus."
Oh, how I don't like that looks of adoration across his face, not this time.
"Hyung, I'm counting on you."
"Are you insane!? It's highly risky here and we-"
"Oh God oh God oh God the baby's coming!!!" The lady screams again as both of our minds are still far from being coherent.
"Seonbin Nuna, don't push!! Don't push, hold on!!"
"Changmin-ah it’s now, it’s now!!, b-b-bucket!!! ki-ki-kitchen!!! “She begs in panic and points at a direction.
At this moment what’s echoing inside my head is only a big, loud, 'NOOOOOOOO'
Changmin nods, forcing himself to be braver. "Okay, wait here, Nuna."
"Hey, don't leave me!!!!" I yell in panic when he dashes towards the kitchen.
I quickly dash after him.
"H-Hyung, don't leave her alone!!" He lashes a horrid face while picking two pairs of yellow wash gloves from the kitchen's basin. He's going to use that!?
"Min, I don't want a dead mother due to infection, postpartum hemorrhage and rupture of perineum!"
"We have no choice, if we bring her out now she might drop the baby along the way!"
"But I don't know how to do this!! I can't do this!!"
"S-She had given birth before… she'll know what to do, right…?"
Hopeless with the argument, I rush back to the living room where the lady is ready on the floor with lithotomic* position. Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck I can’t even keep my eyes fully open, the view is too horrible.
Soon Changmin returns from the kitchen. "Hyung, wear this." He hands me a pink, flower patterned cooking apron and a pair of wash gloves. The same things are already on him.
Then my eyeballs almost pop out when he nods an apology and inserts two digits into the lady's vagina.
He's insane, I tell you. He's insane.
"W-W-What did you find??" I ask, apprehensive.
"Uh.... was that a head?" He mutters hesitantly, pulling out fingers covered with blood and yellowish substance.
"C-C-Complete dilation!!!!???"
"I....... think.... so. S-Should she start pushing?"
Okay, I’m not even sure he actually knows what surfaces he has just touched with those fingers. None of us had done obstetric examinations to real women before, but I know most scuts could only report ‘tight and warm’ after their first trial on vaginal touché.
“You sure it’s a head?” I can’t help but doubting his ability.
“What’s another hard thing inside vagina?”
“……Pubic bones?”
“No no, definitely not bones.”
Head.
“….. NUNA, PUSH IT!!” I shriek out.
“I suppose to push only when the pain of contraction comes… now I’m not feeling it…” The lady smiles weakly.
Both me and Changmin can only form a big ‘O’ with our mouths.
“Changmin! How could you not know a thing as simple as that?” I blame him irresponsibly to save my reputation, before returning attention to the lady.
Few seconds pass without the contraction.
“Nuna, giving birth is always like this?” I ask dumbly.
She smiles again. “It used to be more frightening, but since you guys are so funny…”
We drop our heads low.
“In TV drama there’s no idle moment like this… “ I whisper next to Changmin’s ear.
“Well, the air time would run out only for the giving birth scene…”He reasons.
“OH IT’S COMING.” The lady informs before she starts the pushing. Changmin is startled with something he almost forgets; a cloth to shield the back of the lady’s hip. After that he’s just as clueless as me at deciding what to do.
“Eeeeeerrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh……….!!!!!!!” The lady put both hands behind her knees, flexing her legs and pushes them closer to her body while giving a long, uninterrupted push, so hard that her face turns all red and veins dilated on her temples and forehead. Changmin presses a piece of cloth on the space between her vagina and anus to prevent the skin from tearing too bad.
God blesses him because I completely forget about that.
Then it thrills me weirdly when her birth access protrudes outward as a black, slimy, hairy surface force its way out.
“Come on Nuna, I see the head!!” I stroke her knee for support. She trembles all over, screaming, fighting back the pain with all of her strength to let the unknown being reveals its eyes, nose, and mouth, inch by inch in a depressingly horrifying way. The thing faces to the side, the most common direction, but still I can’t be at ease.
We hear the ambulance’s siren but none of us can leave this kind of situation.
Ignoring the people's call by the door, Changmin secures the baby’s head between his palms. I splay another cloth over the lady’s tummy while cheering her and staring at the seemingly lifeless thing worriedly; afraid that it won’t move, afraid that Changmin might do something wrong, even afraid that the thing will be sucked back into the womb.
The last push is the hardest; it expels the baby together with gallons of blood and yellowish liquid. I won’t lie that it’s freaking disgusting but the wet ball of mess feels funny when I hold its body by the armpits to put it onto the its mother’s tummy -a long, white, slimy umbilical cord still connecting the baby to its origin.
I’m stunned, my body hair erect as the thing cries loudly while Seonbin Nuna holds him, wipes him and smiles happily.
It moves. It really moves.
How…?
Were we all born like that?
“Oh God, for God’s sake, Seonbin-ah!!!”
It's either I'm under a spell or my blood glucose and adrenaline had run out for the frantic process; I can only watch and being mute as a man rushes to her and kisses her forehead joyfully. Along with him are troops of people from the hospital and the other family members, finally come to save the frantic situation.
“Hyung…”
I turn to the side to meet Changmin’s eyes staring at me, gentleness drawn on them.
“Y-Yeah..?” My voice wavers.
“You’re crying…”
*
*
In the end the reinforcement continued the disastrous event, thank God because obviously we both would be in big trouble if we were to help her delivering placenta, not to mention treating the rupture and bleeding with such lack of instruments.
They quickly took over the things and brought Seonbin to the hospital while her mother-in-law stayed to take care of us, giving us food, waters and clothes to change. It was funny how she bowed us thank you over and over after such unqualified action we did.
We returned home silently after that; too shock and tired to speak much, and didn't even remember the reason we went there in the first place.
I’m trying to think that it's the work of parasympathetic nerve after the tension that now tears can't stop leaking from my eyes no matter how I've pulled my face as sternest as it can be and try not to make any sound. It's embarrassing how tissues piled up around my pillow while I try to act unaffected by sitting on my bed, playing a loud game on the laptop with back against Changmin.
Actually I'm not really playing the 'shoot the zombie' game, just clicking on random spots to show that roommate of mine that I'm not sluggish. Well, needless to say my mind is drifting somewhere else. The scene we witnessed only adds to my musing and messed up emotions.
A mother dying alone waits for her daughter to come, the same daughter whose birth she once celebrated so joyfully… questions and images just clash inside my mind.
The 'Game over' screen mocks me with a 'booo'. I quickly closed the laptop and shove it under my bed.
"You're always so honest when you're angry... why can't you be honest when you're sad?" Changmin interrupts my silence.
I sigh, gather the tissues stuffed near my feet and get up to take them into the trash bin near the door.
"Hyung, look at me..." He says. I halt before the closet for a jacket while refraining myself from answering since I just don’t know what to say at the moment.
Then I feel a pair of arms wrap my body from behind, hands rove to find mine, entwining our fingers, bring my arms crossed over my waist with his owns overlapping them. Chest presses against my back.
Gentle kisses trail along my shoulder, my neck, jaw; ticklish like cotton. The last one on my cheek is longer and firmer.
"Not now, Changmin-ah..."
"I won't...."
"What do you want?"
He holds me tighter, resting his forehead on my shoulder. "Talk to me, please?"
After some milliseconds I realize I'm closing my eyes and leaning against him, sniffing his hair, almost lost in the comfort.
"Gosh, this is embarrassing." I break away and return to the bed, slipping into the blanket.
He looks hesitated whether to pester me or let it go, but eventually chooses the first option. Wordlessly he sits next to me, rubbing my head like what a kindergarten teacher would do to her crying student.
"Stop it." I swat his hand away right when tears ooze out. That kind of action only makes me weaker. He doesn’t look hurt, more like anticipating what I’m about to say.
“Why don’t you… tell me a joke?”
He seems surprise at my sudden request. “You mean the ones you called lame?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh oh, I have one.”
“Tell me tell me.” I get up.
He clears his throat before starting. “At the New Years Eve, a grandson who loves his grandma very much came to visit her. ‘How are you doing, grandma.’ He said. ‘Fine, sweetheart. Do you bring something for me?’ The grandma asked. Then the grandson gave her a new calendar. ‘Here’s this year calendar for you.’ He said. The grandma answered, ‘Omo, you don’t need to. The last year calendar is still in a good shape.’”
He stares at me in anticipation and I rub his back as a reply. “That’s funny.” I comment, resulting his eyes widen in excitement.
“Really!?”
I nod and force a smile but tears threatened to fall. I quickly look down and try to get my laptop to make it less obvious.
“Please, I’m here, I’ll be listening.” He takes the laptop from my hand and places it back to the floor. "Share it with me, you’ll feel better, Hyung…”
I lay back on the bed while he stays still, sitting next to me.
"It’s not that I don’t want to talk it out…” I finally confess. “I just… can't come out with words. There are so many things inside my chest now and I can't sort it out... It's on the tip of my tongue, but just... won't come out."
He doesn’t say anything and I only dare enough to look at my fingers.
"Maybe next time I can talk about it…” I continue. “But now it's just a messed up emotion and hard to deal with.”
“… I understand.”
“You won’t. It’s just me being weird anyway.”
I feel a warm hand takes mine and grips it in assuring manner. "No, I know that feeling so well... exactly like that… every word.” He says.
“Really?
“Yeah.”
“Good." I pull him to lay by my side. "Now give me another joke.”
He enthusiastically narrates another lame story and though it's still as lame as ever, don’t know why this time I laugh so loud over it.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
* exophtalmia : eyeballs that kind of bulging.
* Multipara: a mother who had given birth to more than one/many children; the more the children, the process of delivering baby is getting faster but might have complications
* lithotomic position: lying with legs flexed, the position of woman delivering baby