Turn Today Into Forever (2/2)
Part 1
Yejun’s leaning against Seunghyun’s door like it’s perfectly natural for him to be doing so and Younghak frowns, chivalry be damned.
“What?”
Yejun shrugs. “What?”
“Could you please move?”
Yejun smiles, beautiful yet wicked, “Well, if you’re asking so nicely, then maybe.”
“What do you want?”
“Seunghyun, if you must know.”
Younghak is momentarily speechless and when Yejun smirks, he’s shaken out of his trance.
“What the hell do you m-”
“I want Seunghyun. I want him. Get what I mean? But, see the thing is, you have him. And, that’s not fair, right?”
All Younghak can manage is a croak of, “What?”
“Oh, you’re articulate,” Yejun says with mock admiration.
Something burns at the pit of Younghak’s stomach and his voice is harsh when he says, “Listen, you little shit, go away or-”
Yejun laughs at that, his eyes twinkling for some sick reason, and puts a soft hand on Younghak’s shoulder.
“Man,” he whispers, “You’re real pretty and all but Jesus, you couldn’t intimidate a baby.”
Younghak sighs. “Why are you even here?”
“I work here.”
“Outside Seunghyun’s door?”
Yejun smiles, “If only I were so lucky.”
Younghak watches him for a moment, notices how his black bangs seem to irritate his eyes and how he tosses his head back slightly every few seconds in order to see properly. Yejun seems too young for this business, too soft on the edges, and Younghak can tell the whole bitchy routine is to make sure no one notices just how out of place he is. Younghak frowns, wondering not for the first time why Yejun has an air of refinement around him that goes beyond being an expensive prostitute. It’s unsettling, like Yejun is pretending to be something he’s not, and Younghak wants to unravel the mystery.
Yejun shifts a millimeter, but Younghak catches it, years of corporate negotiations spent reading body language, and he knows Yejun is uncomfortable with his scrutiny.
“Well,” Younghak says, lips stretching into a smile, “I’ll just be going inside if it’s all the same to you.”
Yejun searches for something in Younghak’s eyes and then looks away.
“Whatever.”
Younghak watches Yejun’s finger tip tap across Seunghyun’s door as he walks away.
-
“Hi,” Seunghyun says, smiling, and Younghak says it back. He slumps into the sofa and throws his head back, sighing loudly. Instantly, he feels Seunghyun’s cool fingers curling around his neck and grazing over his collarbone. He sighs again, this time contentedly.
“Tough day at work?”
“Not really.”
“Why so wound up then?”
“Are you friends with Yejun?”
Seunghyun’s fingers pause before pulling away completely and Younghak opens his eyes to find Seunghyun mirroring his position on the sofa, head tilted up towards the ceiling.
“I guess.”
“I don’t want you to be.”
Seunghyun frowns but doesn’t face Younghak.
“Why?”
“Just because.”
“I’m not your property, Younghak.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“What does Yejun have that I don’t?” Seunghyun says abruptly. Younghak snaps his neck up and glares at Seunghyun, who has his eyes closed tight like he’s so very afraid.
“What? What makes you say that? I don’t want Yejun, you ridiculous man. What gave you that idea?”
Seunghyun opens his eyes wide and then smiles.
“Fuck,” he says, voice dangerously close to ecstatic, “I feel so stupid right now.”
Then, his voice tips over to the sad side when he says, “I swore I wouldn’t do this.”
Younghak pulls Seunghyun into the crook of his neck and wraps his arms around him.
“Do what?” he asks against Seunghyun’s hair.
“Fall in love.”
Younghak’s chest swells and he has to bite his lips to stop himself from grinning. Seunghyun elbows him in the ribs.
“I can just feel you being extremely pleased with yourself.”
Younghak laughs and laughs because the sun is finally fucking shining on his side for once.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“Ew.”
And, Younghak laughs again, gripping Seunghyun tight as if to squeeze any and all doubt out of him.
-
“Had a nice day, did you?”
Younghak doesn’t stop smiling even though Yejun is sneering at him like he’s won some sort of a battle.
“Yes, yes I did.”
“Perfect.”
Younghak raises an eyebrow and shakes his head, making his way out of the room.
“You know what they say,” Yejun’s voice trails after him, “The bigger they come, the harder they fall.”
“Haha, good one. See you later!” he says over his shoulder, voice obnoxiously cheerful because Seunghyun loves him. Nothing can bring him down, nothing, nothing, nothing at all. He grins up at the sky, surprised to find that it’s raining, and his steps have an extra little hop to them as he makes his way to the car.
-
After days of relentless begging, Seunghyun finally agrees to going on a date and Younghak is over the goddamn moon. He picks a shady restaurant because he can’t afford a scandal, but it’s a nice restaurant, one that he’s visited several times in order to escape the corporate world.
Seunghyun is jittery, saying over and over how much of a bad idea this is, but Younghak manages to drag him into his car eventually.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. What if someone sees us? What are we going to say? Who am I? How are we going to explain this? Oh my God, we’re going to die. They’re going to shoot us. No, no, they’re going to burn us-”
“Shut up, Seunghyun.”
Younghak greets the waiters warmly by name and pulls Seunghyun in front of him, introducing him as his boyfriend. Seunghyun trembles a little as he accepts compliments and Younghak doesn’t let go of his waist once in fear of having him tip over.
“Calm down,” he soothes once they’re seated, “We’re safe here.”
Seunghyun is finally relaxed by dessert time and concentrates his entire being on making fun of Younghak, who shrugs it off and fires back like always.
And, later, when they’re outside Seunghyun’s building, Younghak kisses him once. Like teenagers coming back from a first date. Younghak doesn’t have the heart to appreciate how ironic it is that Seunghyun’s slipping away into his room to attend clients.
-
Younghak takes a break from work, begs his father for a vacation until he’s blue in the face, and steals Seunghyun away for a solid two weeks. They tour Rome and Younghak points out all the places where it’s customary to kiss the one you love. Seunghyun doesn’t call him out on his bullshit and simply leans in every time.
And, Younghak has violinists serenade Seunghyun in Paris. Seunghyun complains about how cliché the whole thing is but Younghak can see the blush creeping all over his delicate skin like a tattoo. He smiles, promising himself to taste that skin at the next available opportunity, which just so happens to be in Spain (most precisely, the plane to Spain).
Seunghyun laughs all the time, mostly at Younghak’s clumsy attempts at seduction, and it’s beautiful. Younghak’s finger aches from snapping too many pictures, but Seunghyun doesn’t seem to mind and grins wide whenever he’s told to.
It’s all so perfect that for a moment Younghak is almost convinced that it can always be like this.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows his father would be so very disappointed to learn that his son harbors and practically believes such desperate thoughts.
-
They come back after two weeks and aren’t surprised to find that nothing’s changed. It’s still a lusterless city of faceless people full of hopeless dreams. Younghak breathes in the scent of decay, thinks of how everyone is dying in one way or another, and wonders if Seunghyun is maybe dying too.
“I love you,” he whispers against Seunghyun’s lips.
“I love you too,” Seunghyun chuckles, pushing him back towards his car, “Now, go.”
Younghak doesn’t look away from the rearview mirror until he absolutely has to because he suddenly has this horrible feeling like Seunghyun’s really disappearing, getting smaller and smaller until he’s just air. He feels sick in the stomach, shakes away the thought, and drives.
-
Jinchul is sort of a friend now and his smile is kind of sincere whenever he greets Younghak. But today, today Younghak is greeted with a grimace that looks just a twinge guilty.
“Uh, LeeU is actually booked all of tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but we don’t have your number in our records.”
Younghak shrugs because this hasn’t happened for the first time, but something in Jinchul’s eyes makes him ask, “By one person?”
Jinchul cringes, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
“That, uh, I can’t disclose that information.”
There it is again that flicker of pure, panicked guilt.
“Come on, Jinchul. Just tell me.”
“It’s Yejun, Younghak. Before you ask me, I have no fucking clue how that kid got all that money and why the hell he’s after Seunghyun. I don’t know but it’s freaking me out. He’s a good kid and he’s popular with the clients. So, I don’t think it’s a competition thing against Seunghyun. Jesus, Yonghak, I’m just scared of what could be going on in that head. He’s brilliant, he knows shit, and Seunghyun is so easily-”
“Wait just a minute,” Younghak says, voice comings out all hoarse from the jealousy that’s been building up inside him for so long, “Seunghyun isn’t stupid, okay? Yejun is just in lust with Seunghyun. He gets the whole night, great, okay, he’ll get over that lust this way. Don’t jump to conclusions and suggest that, that Seunghyun might, I don’t know.”
Jinchul sighs.
“He loves you, Younghak, and that is pretty goddamn stupid.”
Younghak can’t find it in him to disagree.
-
The next week, when Younghak comes in, he doesn’t make conversation and just pulls Seunghyun into him like that’s all he will ever need. Seunghyun understands in that silent way he always does and kisses him, soft and playful and kind and beautiful and fuck, Younghak is maybe too much in love.
“I want to,” he starts but the words stay stuck in his throat.
“You can,” Seunghyun whispers and Younghak realizes that he’s giving permission for everything. Everything Younghak has been craving since that first day, everything Seunghyun didn’t want to do, everything Younghak can’t stop wanting to do.
“You sure?” he asks.
Seunghyun smiles, “It’s not sex if it’s you. It’s love, right?”
Younghak’s heart won’t sit still and it feels like somehow he’s doing something gloriously right.
“Yes, yes,” he says, kissing Seunghyun’s nose, his hair, his ears. Soon, he’s biting instead of licking and Seunghyun groans a little before shifting until he’s straddling Younghak’s lap. He makes desperate little noises that make Younghak’s mind swim and he grinds against Younghak’s now very much there erection.
Younghak removes Seunghyun’s shirt before throwing his own off and then they’re chest to chest, too much and not enough. Younghak runs his hand all over Seunghyun’s back like he won’t ever get the chance to again and Seunghyun grips Younghak’s neck as he kisses with rampant ferocity.
“Fuck,” Younghak grunts and grabs Seunghyun’s elbow, efficiently moving the man onto his back and then hovering over him until he’s got Seunghyun’s waist in between his knees. The sofa is wide enough for the position to be comfortable but somewhere in the back of his mind, Younghak really, really wants this to be happening in a proper bed.
Seunghyun’s eyes are dark with want and Younghak wastes no time in unbuttoning his pants. He digs his fingers into Seunghyun’s hips and hopes for the skin to bruise and never heal, marking Seunghyun as his forever. It feels ridiculous just thinking about it, but he catches Seunghyun trying to do the same thing.
“You’re beautiful,” he says, voice holding none of the heat of his eyes, and he can tell Seunghyun doesn’t believe him in the way his smiles and nods.
“I love you,” he says, just to assert his right to do so, and Seunghyun laughs before gasping as Younghak’s hands yank off his boxers.
He takes a moment to just look, just memorize Seunghyun, naked and needy and so turned on. And, it’s beautiful, he’s beautiful, and Younghak doesn’t get why he can’t see that.
“Younghak,” Seunghyun whines, reaching for Younghak’s belt and tugging, “It’s not fair if I’m the only one naked.”
Younghak chuckles at Seunghyun’s pout and stands up to quickly shed his clothes before kneeling down in between Seunghyun’s legs. Seunghyun tilts his head with a suggestive smile before using his heels to pulls Younghak’s forward. Younghak’s hands come up instantly on either side of Seunghyun’s head to keep him from falling completely on Seunghyun.
“What do you want?” he asks and he can tell by the way Seunghyun hesitates that he’s never been asked that question in his life.
“You,” he answers, sounding so sure of himself, and claims Younghak’s lips, “Just you.”
“Then, have me. Just me.”
Younghak doesn’t mean for it to come out like that, knows what it’s implying, but he’s thought it too much for it to not hold a certain layer of blatant misery. Seunghyun goes still before pressing Younghak back and flipping them over until he’s snug and smiling on top of Younghak’s cock like he was made to fit.
“I’m going to ride you,” he says, leaning down to slither the words up Younghak’s neck, “Fuck myself sore on you. You want that?”
Younghak makes an agonized noise in agreement and he can feel Seunghyun’s teeth on his jaw as he grins.
“Stretch me, babe. Fuck me with your fingers,” he says right into Younghak’s ear and Younghak feels a shiver ripple through his entire body as he feels up Seunghyun’s thigh.
“Right there,” Seunghyun breathes out and Younghak pushes a finger in with confidence, preps him like a pro, and soon, Seunghyun is begging for more.
“What is it?” Younghak asks with mock concern, “What do you want?”
“Jesus, fuck, just-”
And, that’s as far as he get before slides a little lower and pushes himself up, slipping into Seunghyun in one fluid motion. Seunghyun tenses around him before relaxing enough to growl, “God. ”
He begins to move, hips tightening around Younghak’s waist as he comes down hard and fast. Younghak throws his head back as he moans but forces his eyes to stay open, not wanting to look away once from Seunghyun’s face, all scrunched up in concentration.
Younghak’s hands slip from Seunghyun’s waist to his thighs and he digs his nails in there as Seunghyun imprints his into Younghak’s stomach. Seunghyun moves faster, faster, faster until Younghak is choking out profanities.
Seunghyun lets out a soft growl like he’s trying to smother it but he can’t quite control it and Younghak almost comes right then and there, wondering how Seunghyun learned to work his body like that. Realization hits him cold and sudden because he knows exactly how he did. He pushes up against Seunghyun’s thrusts, hands possessive instead of soothing, and unbridled anger burns deep and steady inside him.
He tattoos ‘mine’ in disguise of bruises, tugging Seunghyun down for a moment to mark all up along that long, white neck. He hauls himself up and switches their positions until he’s the one controlling how hard and how fast. He fucks Seunghyun until he can barely feel anything except Seunghyun.
Seunghyun shudders but doesn’t slow things down when Younghak’s fingers enclose on his cock, pumping it in sync with his hips.
He grunts into Seunghyun’s mouth, “I’m gonna,” he pants, “mark you up,” he licks, teases, “until you won’t,” he bites, gently at first, “be able to fuck,” he nibbles on bruises, “anyone without,” he thrusts in deeper and Seunghyun gasps, “feeling me right there inside of you.”
“I love you,” Seunghyun says, biting his lips and squeezing his eyes shut, and Younghak comes instantly.
Seunghyun comes moments later, spilling hot and wet onto Younghak’s stomach, and Younghak slumps down onto his chest. Younghak curls his fingers around Seunghyun’s head and strokes through the damp strands.
“It hurts,” Seunghyun sighs into Younghak’s neck, “how much I love you.”
“It’s only fair if it goes both ways,” Younghak reasons, kissing his hair and trying not to fantasize too much about waking up all tangled up just like this.
-
It doesn’t help that even after Younghak’s gotten a taste, hell, a really fucking long drink, of Seunghyun, he still wants more. And, with Younghak, Seunghyun makes love like it’s not his job. He makes love like he’s drowning and Younghak’s skin is oxygen and if Seunghyun isn’t touching it in one way or another, he’s going to die.
It makes Younghak’s heart contract and expand too fast, makes him dizzy with affection. And, he kisses dirty and quick, reassuring Seunghyun, feeding his hunger.
Seunghyun somehow creeps his way out of the addiction category and lands smack dab in the middle of the necessity category. He tips the balance of Younghak’s life and it’s maddening and amazing all at the same time.
Reality throws itself into Younghak’s face in the form of an arranged marriage. His father gives him an ultimatum; get married or lose his inheritance and position in the company. Younghak figures getting married is safer than not having the money to afford Seunghyun.
He doesn’t tell Seunghyun because he’ll know soon enough when it’s all over the tabloids.
-
“Is she pretty?” Seunghyun asks, biting Younghak’s ear and sucking it in.
“Yes, but not like you,” Younghak answers with honesty but Seunghyun bites down harder like he doesn’t believe it.
“Are you going to fuck her?”
Younghak pulls away at the searing jealousy in Seunghyun’s voice and frowns.
“You fuck someone else every night, bastard. Don’t make me feel guilty about fulfilling my father’s wishes, which, by the way, I’m only doing so I can afford to see you every week.”
“I didn’t- That’s not what I meant. I just, I wish I could be what she is to you. It’s stupid, I know, but-”
“It’s not stupid,” Younghak says, anger leaving him as fast as it had come, “I understand. Hell, I… Hey, why don’t you quit? I could get you a job at my company.”
Seunghyun looks at him all sad and broken.
“I’ve got no qualifications. Didn’t I tell you about how I got into this?”
Younghak sighs, “Yeah, yeah, I know. You were young. But, still, you could start somewhere low. I’d pay for your education and you could work your way up.”
Seunghyun watches him for a minute and then begins, voice soothing, “Remember when we first met? You were drunk and you said to come with you and leave this. Remember?”
“Yeah.”
“And what did I say?”
“You said you liked it,” Younghak answers, his heart sinking.
“I wasn’t lying, Younghak,” he says gently.
“Why do you like it? How can you like it?”
“Believe it or not, I control what happens. I decide who I want to see and who I want to fuck. And, it’s good money. I need money, Younghak, my money. I’ve earned everything on my own. I’m not taking handouts from you or anyone. In this life, I’m in control of everything and I like it. In your life, what can you control?”
Younghak thinks about his wife, the company, his father’s constant ultimatums, and says, “Nothing.”
Seunghyun kisses him just like he wants it that very second, rough and needy.
“I’m fine here, Younghak. You worry about starting a family, okay? I bet your kids are gonna be totally adorable. You know, like the exact opposite of you.”
Younghak grins and tickles Seunghyun until he takes that back. He kisses him next and it’s nothing playful, just the burning aftermath of hoping against hope.
-
On their honeymoon, Younghak kisses her and she tastes good, like pampered childhoods and scented lotion. She tells him she’s been in love with him for years, blushing pretty and shy as she says it, and Younghak feels achingly guilty.
So, he fucks her the night before they fly back and tells her how much he likes it in her ear. Her skin doesn’t feel good under his hands, she doesn’t feel good under his hands, and he tries not to think too much about who does.
Later, when Younghak tells Seunghyun his wife is pregnant, he doesn’t add that he fucked her thinking of Seunghyun’s mile long legs and stupid smile. He just grins and lets himself be tackled to the sofa, a lapful of pure glee encased in a pretty little container called Seunghyun.
“He better get your eyes,” Seunghyun says like it’s their kid and Younghak can’t stop grinning.
-
Yejun goes mysteriously missing for months (Jinchul shrugs, “He took his paycheck and never came back.”) and Younghak has already forgotten all about it until his wife goes into labor and Yejun is the gynecologist.
They look at each other for what seems like eternity and then Younghak turns a sickened white and Yejun leers.
“Mr. Choi, would you like to stay or would you rather be outside?”
Younghak stutters out his choice, his wife’s screams doing nothing to halt his hasty retreat.
“Right,” Yejun smirks, “Stand right over there near the closet.”
And, Younghak can’t leave fast enough.
-
“It’s a boy,” his wife says, smiling up at him all tired and pretty, and he feels pride swell inside him as he holds his son close to his chest.
“A very healthy boy,” comes Yejun’s voice and happiness deflates out of Younghak a little too fast.
“Thank you, doctor,” his wife says and her eyes are full of unconditional love when she glances over at Younghak, who suddenly feels like the biggest piece of shit ever.
“Mr. Choi, if you could please follow me to my office. I need you to fill out some papers.”
Younghak knows better of course, but follows anyways after kissing his son and his wife on their foreheads.
Yejun’s office is perfect and glossy just like its owner and Younghak dreads what’s to come.
“So, look,” Yejun begins, eyes holding none of the amusement as before and instead hooded with anger, “You’ve got a beautiful wife and a nice and healthy son. I think this qualifies you to stop fucking around with Seunghyun.”
“You were pretending to be a whore, Yejun. You’re a fucking doctor,” he says, steering the conversation away from his faux heterosexuality.
“I love him, okay? I know you think you do too, but I honest to god love him like nothing else. You’ve got to leave him alone. He’s fucking dying. What he needs is someone not hiding who they are from the world, someone to support him without pitying him, someone like me. I’ve been watching him, Younghak, where the hell else do you think I’ve been? I’ve been paying to fuck him.”
Younghak feels numb as he remembers what Seunghyun said about controlling his clients.
“I’m not going to pass him up so you can have him like a fucking dog pissing on his territory, Yejun. Why not let him choose what he wants?”
Yejun scowls and then smiles, “Fine. Why not?”
Younghak feels something chip away at his confidence and he’s never been so terrified in his life.
-
Seunghyun looks at both of them like he’s been expecting this.
“I feel like a girl, but… Jesus, okay, I choose Yejun.”
Younghak blinks and says, “What?”
Seunghyun won’t meet his eyes and Younghak knows something is up and that someone talked him into this. He just doesn’t know how to call him on it.
“I pick Yejun. You don’t have to come here anymore.”
Younghak looks over at Yejun, who doesn’t seem triumphant at all, his forehead scrunched in frustration.
“Seunghyun, you don’t honestly-”
“Fucking hell,” Seunghyun says, anger exploding out of him like he’s been keeping it bottled up for months and Younghak realizes that maybe he has, “Go away, okay? Go to your perfect fucking wife and your son. Go live a fucking heterosexual life and leave me the hell alone. God, please.”
He chokes out that last word and Yejun catches him before he crumbles, in way that is so familiar to Younghak that it hurts to watch.
“Seung-”
“Christ, Younghak. Get the message, okay?” Yejun says, spitting out the words, and Younghak finally sees it, the kind of love his wife has for him, the kind of love that’s made to never be forgotten, the exact kind of love Seunghyun needs and deserves.
He leaves as quiet and confused as he had come the first time he saw Seunghyun and it feels too soon. Don’t go, his heart protests, don’t leave him. Good thing he learned how to shut it up a long time ago.
-
He tries to stay away and manages well enough for five months straight. But, then, one day, his wife tugs him along to a parenting session and Yejun is the instructor. He barely blinks when Younghak comes in and instead ushers them into their seats.
After the session, Younghak tells his wife to go on ahead while he asks the doctor one last question. Yejun doesn’t seem surprised and closes the door before facing him.
“Is he… is he happy?”
“As happy as can be,” Yejun responds and Younghak understands.
“Have you been…?”
“Fucking him? Yes, I have.”
It’s too sharp and blatant, the words cutting Younghak’s stitches open with precision.
Yejun sighs. “Don’t come back, Younghak. I would get on my knees to beg if it wouldn’t dirty my jeans. He’s learning to live without you.”
His mind screams that he doesn’t want Seunghyun to do that, wants Seunghyun to remember him always, have his face imprinted and masked over any guy he ever fucks. His mind screams that it’s only fair like that. Seunghyun can’t possibly be allowed to move on when Younghak knows he never will.
“I want to see him. Just once. I won’t come close enough to see, I promise.”
Yejun searches for something in Younghak’s eyes and smiles grimly when he finds it.
“Okay.”
-
Seunghyun looks beautiful still and Younghak wonders why he imagined it would be any different. He’s glowing and Younghak knows he’s just had sex. He can tell by the way Seunghyun runs his hands up and down his thighs like he’s trying to rub off the feeling.
He watches Yejun go up to him by the front desk. Seunghyun grins bright and genuine when he sees Yejun and Younghak remembers a time when that was only his.
Yejun leans forward and kisses Seunghyun’s cheek, making the man giggle like a schoolgirl. And, yeah, Younghak can see he’s happy, and yes, that hurts.
He feels like a selfish asshole as he wishes for Seunghyun to be devastated and refusing to move on. He wants to stop being so lonely in that feeling. Scratch that, his brain whispers bitterly, you just want to stop feeling altogether.
Seunghyun laughs at something Yejun said and he’s breathtaking like this.
Younghak sinks into himself, imagines his whole being contort and become something ugly. He tells himself that’s what he’s become. He tells himself he won’t ever come back into Seunghyun’s life. And, that lasts for about three weeks.
-
Seunghyun falters when he sees Younghak, eyes wide and stupidly pretty as he backs away just a tiny bit.
“You. No. Why are you. Why did you come back?”
“This is going to come out all dry and cliché but I can’t live without you, so I decided I won’t anymore. I got a divorce, Seunghyun, and came out to my parents. I did it for you and for me. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so liberated.”
He doesn’t dare touch Seunghyun even though his fingers twitch from the restrain and waits for Seunghyun to soak it all in.
“I. How did they take that?”
“Not very well,” Younghak says, smiling sadly, “But, my wife took it just fine. She said she sort of felt like I was because I never got hard unless I had her flipped over.”
Seunghyun cracks a smile and then beams. It’s the single most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
“I’m so proud of you,” Seunghyun says before flinging himself on Younghak, “Jesus, so fucking proud.”
Younghak melts against Seunghyun, grips him tight, and clings like he won’t ever let go.
“Thank you for giving me a reason to do it,” Younghak smiles, kissing the side of Seunghyun’s neck, “Thank you.”
Seunghyun pulls back slightly and Younghak sees that he’s crying.
“Stupid,” he says softly, brushing away the tears, “What’re you crying for?”
“Shut up,” Seunghyun huffs before kisses him dizzy.
-
Seunghyun fidgets in his seat and Younghak’s ex-wife seems way too comfortable. Younghak looks at both of them and then smiles. Younghak’s son scrambles into Seunghyun’s lap and that’s when Seunghyun finally breaks out of his trance, smiling down and tapping Taejun’s nose. Taejun giggles and clutches Seunghyun’s shirt as he tugs himself up until he can puts his arms around Seunghyun’s neck.
She watches them and Younghak watches her and it’s nice to see warmth in her eyes.
He had told her the same night he came out to her that if he were straight, he’d be the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet to have her. That he was lucky to have her at all. She had kissed him softly and told him that Seunghyun was lucky to have him.
Taejun shrieks gleefully as Seunghyun tickles him and they’re so completely lost with each other that Younghak can’t help but smile. He catches her eye and they wordlessly agree that somehow Taejun went after Seunghyun.
-
Seunghyun doesn’t quit his job but decreases his hours so he can take classes at the local college. He refuses to let Younghak help with the money and says he’s going to earn a degree in fashion all by himself. He pushes Younghak to take photography classes and laughs when Younghak tells him his father is completely fine with him with being if gay as long as he doesn’t get gayer.
Yejun remains a part of Seunghyun’s life, watching over him with care more than longing, and Younghak comes to like him a great deal even if he looks at Younghak with a mix of dread and acknowledgement, when Younghak snatches Seunghyun away on their second vacation. This time, though, the trip is very public and Younghak doesn’t hesitate to introduce Seunghyun as his boyfriend.
“You are such a sleaze,” Seunghyun says as they walk down a beach, “You just want an excuse to say it.”
“What, you complaining?”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Seunghyun deadpans, but Younghak can see the underlying thrill in his eyes as clear as day.
He tugs Seunghyun close until he’s leaning his head on Younghak’s shoulder and when they get home, Seunghyun doesn’t leave in the morning. He rolls around, grumpy at being woken up by Younghak’s near obsessive touching, and kisses Younghak soundly before falling asleep again.
A/N: Younghak’s photography isn’t out of the blue. He really does like it irl. Here’s a picture he took.
Yejun’s leaning against Seunghyun’s door like it’s perfectly natural for him to be doing so and Younghak frowns, chivalry be damned.
“What?”
Yejun shrugs. “What?”
“Could you please move?”
Yejun smiles, beautiful yet wicked, “Well, if you’re asking so nicely, then maybe.”
“What do you want?”
“Seunghyun, if you must know.”
Younghak is momentarily speechless and when Yejun smirks, he’s shaken out of his trance.
“What the hell do you m-”
“I want Seunghyun. I want him. Get what I mean? But, see the thing is, you have him. And, that’s not fair, right?”
All Younghak can manage is a croak of, “What?”
“Oh, you’re articulate,” Yejun says with mock admiration.
Something burns at the pit of Younghak’s stomach and his voice is harsh when he says, “Listen, you little shit, go away or-”
Yejun laughs at that, his eyes twinkling for some sick reason, and puts a soft hand on Younghak’s shoulder.
“Man,” he whispers, “You’re real pretty and all but Jesus, you couldn’t intimidate a baby.”
Younghak sighs. “Why are you even here?”
“I work here.”
“Outside Seunghyun’s door?”
Yejun smiles, “If only I were so lucky.”
Younghak watches him for a moment, notices how his black bangs seem to irritate his eyes and how he tosses his head back slightly every few seconds in order to see properly. Yejun seems too young for this business, too soft on the edges, and Younghak can tell the whole bitchy routine is to make sure no one notices just how out of place he is. Younghak frowns, wondering not for the first time why Yejun has an air of refinement around him that goes beyond being an expensive prostitute. It’s unsettling, like Yejun is pretending to be something he’s not, and Younghak wants to unravel the mystery.
Yejun shifts a millimeter, but Younghak catches it, years of corporate negotiations spent reading body language, and he knows Yejun is uncomfortable with his scrutiny.
“Well,” Younghak says, lips stretching into a smile, “I’ll just be going inside if it’s all the same to you.”
Yejun searches for something in Younghak’s eyes and then looks away.
“Whatever.”
Younghak watches Yejun’s finger tip tap across Seunghyun’s door as he walks away.
-
“Hi,” Seunghyun says, smiling, and Younghak says it back. He slumps into the sofa and throws his head back, sighing loudly. Instantly, he feels Seunghyun’s cool fingers curling around his neck and grazing over his collarbone. He sighs again, this time contentedly.
“Tough day at work?”
“Not really.”
“Why so wound up then?”
“Are you friends with Yejun?”
Seunghyun’s fingers pause before pulling away completely and Younghak opens his eyes to find Seunghyun mirroring his position on the sofa, head tilted up towards the ceiling.
“I guess.”
“I don’t want you to be.”
Seunghyun frowns but doesn’t face Younghak.
“Why?”
“Just because.”
“I’m not your property, Younghak.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“What does Yejun have that I don’t?” Seunghyun says abruptly. Younghak snaps his neck up and glares at Seunghyun, who has his eyes closed tight like he’s so very afraid.
“What? What makes you say that? I don’t want Yejun, you ridiculous man. What gave you that idea?”
Seunghyun opens his eyes wide and then smiles.
“Fuck,” he says, voice dangerously close to ecstatic, “I feel so stupid right now.”
Then, his voice tips over to the sad side when he says, “I swore I wouldn’t do this.”
Younghak pulls Seunghyun into the crook of his neck and wraps his arms around him.
“Do what?” he asks against Seunghyun’s hair.
“Fall in love.”
Younghak’s chest swells and he has to bite his lips to stop himself from grinning. Seunghyun elbows him in the ribs.
“I can just feel you being extremely pleased with yourself.”
Younghak laughs and laughs because the sun is finally fucking shining on his side for once.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“Ew.”
And, Younghak laughs again, gripping Seunghyun tight as if to squeeze any and all doubt out of him.
-
“Had a nice day, did you?”
Younghak doesn’t stop smiling even though Yejun is sneering at him like he’s won some sort of a battle.
“Yes, yes I did.”
“Perfect.”
Younghak raises an eyebrow and shakes his head, making his way out of the room.
“You know what they say,” Yejun’s voice trails after him, “The bigger they come, the harder they fall.”
“Haha, good one. See you later!” he says over his shoulder, voice obnoxiously cheerful because Seunghyun loves him. Nothing can bring him down, nothing, nothing, nothing at all. He grins up at the sky, surprised to find that it’s raining, and his steps have an extra little hop to them as he makes his way to the car.
-
After days of relentless begging, Seunghyun finally agrees to going on a date and Younghak is over the goddamn moon. He picks a shady restaurant because he can’t afford a scandal, but it’s a nice restaurant, one that he’s visited several times in order to escape the corporate world.
Seunghyun is jittery, saying over and over how much of a bad idea this is, but Younghak manages to drag him into his car eventually.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. What if someone sees us? What are we going to say? Who am I? How are we going to explain this? Oh my God, we’re going to die. They’re going to shoot us. No, no, they’re going to burn us-”
“Shut up, Seunghyun.”
Younghak greets the waiters warmly by name and pulls Seunghyun in front of him, introducing him as his boyfriend. Seunghyun trembles a little as he accepts compliments and Younghak doesn’t let go of his waist once in fear of having him tip over.
“Calm down,” he soothes once they’re seated, “We’re safe here.”
Seunghyun is finally relaxed by dessert time and concentrates his entire being on making fun of Younghak, who shrugs it off and fires back like always.
And, later, when they’re outside Seunghyun’s building, Younghak kisses him once. Like teenagers coming back from a first date. Younghak doesn’t have the heart to appreciate how ironic it is that Seunghyun’s slipping away into his room to attend clients.
-
Younghak takes a break from work, begs his father for a vacation until he’s blue in the face, and steals Seunghyun away for a solid two weeks. They tour Rome and Younghak points out all the places where it’s customary to kiss the one you love. Seunghyun doesn’t call him out on his bullshit and simply leans in every time.
And, Younghak has violinists serenade Seunghyun in Paris. Seunghyun complains about how cliché the whole thing is but Younghak can see the blush creeping all over his delicate skin like a tattoo. He smiles, promising himself to taste that skin at the next available opportunity, which just so happens to be in Spain (most precisely, the plane to Spain).
Seunghyun laughs all the time, mostly at Younghak’s clumsy attempts at seduction, and it’s beautiful. Younghak’s finger aches from snapping too many pictures, but Seunghyun doesn’t seem to mind and grins wide whenever he’s told to.
It’s all so perfect that for a moment Younghak is almost convinced that it can always be like this.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows his father would be so very disappointed to learn that his son harbors and practically believes such desperate thoughts.
-
They come back after two weeks and aren’t surprised to find that nothing’s changed. It’s still a lusterless city of faceless people full of hopeless dreams. Younghak breathes in the scent of decay, thinks of how everyone is dying in one way or another, and wonders if Seunghyun is maybe dying too.
“I love you,” he whispers against Seunghyun’s lips.
“I love you too,” Seunghyun chuckles, pushing him back towards his car, “Now, go.”
Younghak doesn’t look away from the rearview mirror until he absolutely has to because he suddenly has this horrible feeling like Seunghyun’s really disappearing, getting smaller and smaller until he’s just air. He feels sick in the stomach, shakes away the thought, and drives.
-
Jinchul is sort of a friend now and his smile is kind of sincere whenever he greets Younghak. But today, today Younghak is greeted with a grimace that looks just a twinge guilty.
“Uh, LeeU is actually booked all of tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but we don’t have your number in our records.”
Younghak shrugs because this hasn’t happened for the first time, but something in Jinchul’s eyes makes him ask, “By one person?”
Jinchul cringes, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
“That, uh, I can’t disclose that information.”
There it is again that flicker of pure, panicked guilt.
“Come on, Jinchul. Just tell me.”
“It’s Yejun, Younghak. Before you ask me, I have no fucking clue how that kid got all that money and why the hell he’s after Seunghyun. I don’t know but it’s freaking me out. He’s a good kid and he’s popular with the clients. So, I don’t think it’s a competition thing against Seunghyun. Jesus, Yonghak, I’m just scared of what could be going on in that head. He’s brilliant, he knows shit, and Seunghyun is so easily-”
“Wait just a minute,” Younghak says, voice comings out all hoarse from the jealousy that’s been building up inside him for so long, “Seunghyun isn’t stupid, okay? Yejun is just in lust with Seunghyun. He gets the whole night, great, okay, he’ll get over that lust this way. Don’t jump to conclusions and suggest that, that Seunghyun might, I don’t know.”
Jinchul sighs.
“He loves you, Younghak, and that is pretty goddamn stupid.”
Younghak can’t find it in him to disagree.
-
The next week, when Younghak comes in, he doesn’t make conversation and just pulls Seunghyun into him like that’s all he will ever need. Seunghyun understands in that silent way he always does and kisses him, soft and playful and kind and beautiful and fuck, Younghak is maybe too much in love.
“I want to,” he starts but the words stay stuck in his throat.
“You can,” Seunghyun whispers and Younghak realizes that he’s giving permission for everything. Everything Younghak has been craving since that first day, everything Seunghyun didn’t want to do, everything Younghak can’t stop wanting to do.
“You sure?” he asks.
Seunghyun smiles, “It’s not sex if it’s you. It’s love, right?”
Younghak’s heart won’t sit still and it feels like somehow he’s doing something gloriously right.
“Yes, yes,” he says, kissing Seunghyun’s nose, his hair, his ears. Soon, he’s biting instead of licking and Seunghyun groans a little before shifting until he’s straddling Younghak’s lap. He makes desperate little noises that make Younghak’s mind swim and he grinds against Younghak’s now very much there erection.
Younghak removes Seunghyun’s shirt before throwing his own off and then they’re chest to chest, too much and not enough. Younghak runs his hand all over Seunghyun’s back like he won’t ever get the chance to again and Seunghyun grips Younghak’s neck as he kisses with rampant ferocity.
“Fuck,” Younghak grunts and grabs Seunghyun’s elbow, efficiently moving the man onto his back and then hovering over him until he’s got Seunghyun’s waist in between his knees. The sofa is wide enough for the position to be comfortable but somewhere in the back of his mind, Younghak really, really wants this to be happening in a proper bed.
Seunghyun’s eyes are dark with want and Younghak wastes no time in unbuttoning his pants. He digs his fingers into Seunghyun’s hips and hopes for the skin to bruise and never heal, marking Seunghyun as his forever. It feels ridiculous just thinking about it, but he catches Seunghyun trying to do the same thing.
“You’re beautiful,” he says, voice holding none of the heat of his eyes, and he can tell Seunghyun doesn’t believe him in the way his smiles and nods.
“I love you,” he says, just to assert his right to do so, and Seunghyun laughs before gasping as Younghak’s hands yank off his boxers.
He takes a moment to just look, just memorize Seunghyun, naked and needy and so turned on. And, it’s beautiful, he’s beautiful, and Younghak doesn’t get why he can’t see that.
“Younghak,” Seunghyun whines, reaching for Younghak’s belt and tugging, “It’s not fair if I’m the only one naked.”
Younghak chuckles at Seunghyun’s pout and stands up to quickly shed his clothes before kneeling down in between Seunghyun’s legs. Seunghyun tilts his head with a suggestive smile before using his heels to pulls Younghak’s forward. Younghak’s hands come up instantly on either side of Seunghyun’s head to keep him from falling completely on Seunghyun.
“What do you want?” he asks and he can tell by the way Seunghyun hesitates that he’s never been asked that question in his life.
“You,” he answers, sounding so sure of himself, and claims Younghak’s lips, “Just you.”
“Then, have me. Just me.”
Younghak doesn’t mean for it to come out like that, knows what it’s implying, but he’s thought it too much for it to not hold a certain layer of blatant misery. Seunghyun goes still before pressing Younghak back and flipping them over until he’s snug and smiling on top of Younghak’s cock like he was made to fit.
“I’m going to ride you,” he says, leaning down to slither the words up Younghak’s neck, “Fuck myself sore on you. You want that?”
Younghak makes an agonized noise in agreement and he can feel Seunghyun’s teeth on his jaw as he grins.
“Stretch me, babe. Fuck me with your fingers,” he says right into Younghak’s ear and Younghak feels a shiver ripple through his entire body as he feels up Seunghyun’s thigh.
“Right there,” Seunghyun breathes out and Younghak pushes a finger in with confidence, preps him like a pro, and soon, Seunghyun is begging for more.
“What is it?” Younghak asks with mock concern, “What do you want?”
“Jesus, fuck, just-”
And, that’s as far as he get before slides a little lower and pushes himself up, slipping into Seunghyun in one fluid motion. Seunghyun tenses around him before relaxing enough to growl, “God. ”
He begins to move, hips tightening around Younghak’s waist as he comes down hard and fast. Younghak throws his head back as he moans but forces his eyes to stay open, not wanting to look away once from Seunghyun’s face, all scrunched up in concentration.
Younghak’s hands slip from Seunghyun’s waist to his thighs and he digs his nails in there as Seunghyun imprints his into Younghak’s stomach. Seunghyun moves faster, faster, faster until Younghak is choking out profanities.
Seunghyun lets out a soft growl like he’s trying to smother it but he can’t quite control it and Younghak almost comes right then and there, wondering how Seunghyun learned to work his body like that. Realization hits him cold and sudden because he knows exactly how he did. He pushes up against Seunghyun’s thrusts, hands possessive instead of soothing, and unbridled anger burns deep and steady inside him.
He tattoos ‘mine’ in disguise of bruises, tugging Seunghyun down for a moment to mark all up along that long, white neck. He hauls himself up and switches their positions until he’s the one controlling how hard and how fast. He fucks Seunghyun until he can barely feel anything except Seunghyun.
Seunghyun shudders but doesn’t slow things down when Younghak’s fingers enclose on his cock, pumping it in sync with his hips.
He grunts into Seunghyun’s mouth, “I’m gonna,” he pants, “mark you up,” he licks, teases, “until you won’t,” he bites, gently at first, “be able to fuck,” he nibbles on bruises, “anyone without,” he thrusts in deeper and Seunghyun gasps, “feeling me right there inside of you.”
“I love you,” Seunghyun says, biting his lips and squeezing his eyes shut, and Younghak comes instantly.
Seunghyun comes moments later, spilling hot and wet onto Younghak’s stomach, and Younghak slumps down onto his chest. Younghak curls his fingers around Seunghyun’s head and strokes through the damp strands.
“It hurts,” Seunghyun sighs into Younghak’s neck, “how much I love you.”
“It’s only fair if it goes both ways,” Younghak reasons, kissing his hair and trying not to fantasize too much about waking up all tangled up just like this.
-
It doesn’t help that even after Younghak’s gotten a taste, hell, a really fucking long drink, of Seunghyun, he still wants more. And, with Younghak, Seunghyun makes love like it’s not his job. He makes love like he’s drowning and Younghak’s skin is oxygen and if Seunghyun isn’t touching it in one way or another, he’s going to die.
It makes Younghak’s heart contract and expand too fast, makes him dizzy with affection. And, he kisses dirty and quick, reassuring Seunghyun, feeding his hunger.
Seunghyun somehow creeps his way out of the addiction category and lands smack dab in the middle of the necessity category. He tips the balance of Younghak’s life and it’s maddening and amazing all at the same time.
Reality throws itself into Younghak’s face in the form of an arranged marriage. His father gives him an ultimatum; get married or lose his inheritance and position in the company. Younghak figures getting married is safer than not having the money to afford Seunghyun.
He doesn’t tell Seunghyun because he’ll know soon enough when it’s all over the tabloids.
-
“Is she pretty?” Seunghyun asks, biting Younghak’s ear and sucking it in.
“Yes, but not like you,” Younghak answers with honesty but Seunghyun bites down harder like he doesn’t believe it.
“Are you going to fuck her?”
Younghak pulls away at the searing jealousy in Seunghyun’s voice and frowns.
“You fuck someone else every night, bastard. Don’t make me feel guilty about fulfilling my father’s wishes, which, by the way, I’m only doing so I can afford to see you every week.”
“I didn’t- That’s not what I meant. I just, I wish I could be what she is to you. It’s stupid, I know, but-”
“It’s not stupid,” Younghak says, anger leaving him as fast as it had come, “I understand. Hell, I… Hey, why don’t you quit? I could get you a job at my company.”
Seunghyun looks at him all sad and broken.
“I’ve got no qualifications. Didn’t I tell you about how I got into this?”
Younghak sighs, “Yeah, yeah, I know. You were young. But, still, you could start somewhere low. I’d pay for your education and you could work your way up.”
Seunghyun watches him for a minute and then begins, voice soothing, “Remember when we first met? You were drunk and you said to come with you and leave this. Remember?”
“Yeah.”
“And what did I say?”
“You said you liked it,” Younghak answers, his heart sinking.
“I wasn’t lying, Younghak,” he says gently.
“Why do you like it? How can you like it?”
“Believe it or not, I control what happens. I decide who I want to see and who I want to fuck. And, it’s good money. I need money, Younghak, my money. I’ve earned everything on my own. I’m not taking handouts from you or anyone. In this life, I’m in control of everything and I like it. In your life, what can you control?”
Younghak thinks about his wife, the company, his father’s constant ultimatums, and says, “Nothing.”
Seunghyun kisses him just like he wants it that very second, rough and needy.
“I’m fine here, Younghak. You worry about starting a family, okay? I bet your kids are gonna be totally adorable. You know, like the exact opposite of you.”
Younghak grins and tickles Seunghyun until he takes that back. He kisses him next and it’s nothing playful, just the burning aftermath of hoping against hope.
-
On their honeymoon, Younghak kisses her and she tastes good, like pampered childhoods and scented lotion. She tells him she’s been in love with him for years, blushing pretty and shy as she says it, and Younghak feels achingly guilty.
So, he fucks her the night before they fly back and tells her how much he likes it in her ear. Her skin doesn’t feel good under his hands, she doesn’t feel good under his hands, and he tries not to think too much about who does.
Later, when Younghak tells Seunghyun his wife is pregnant, he doesn’t add that he fucked her thinking of Seunghyun’s mile long legs and stupid smile. He just grins and lets himself be tackled to the sofa, a lapful of pure glee encased in a pretty little container called Seunghyun.
“He better get your eyes,” Seunghyun says like it’s their kid and Younghak can’t stop grinning.
-
Yejun goes mysteriously missing for months (Jinchul shrugs, “He took his paycheck and never came back.”) and Younghak has already forgotten all about it until his wife goes into labor and Yejun is the gynecologist.
They look at each other for what seems like eternity and then Younghak turns a sickened white and Yejun leers.
“Mr. Choi, would you like to stay or would you rather be outside?”
Younghak stutters out his choice, his wife’s screams doing nothing to halt his hasty retreat.
“Right,” Yejun smirks, “Stand right over there near the closet.”
And, Younghak can’t leave fast enough.
-
“It’s a boy,” his wife says, smiling up at him all tired and pretty, and he feels pride swell inside him as he holds his son close to his chest.
“A very healthy boy,” comes Yejun’s voice and happiness deflates out of Younghak a little too fast.
“Thank you, doctor,” his wife says and her eyes are full of unconditional love when she glances over at Younghak, who suddenly feels like the biggest piece of shit ever.
“Mr. Choi, if you could please follow me to my office. I need you to fill out some papers.”
Younghak knows better of course, but follows anyways after kissing his son and his wife on their foreheads.
Yejun’s office is perfect and glossy just like its owner and Younghak dreads what’s to come.
“So, look,” Yejun begins, eyes holding none of the amusement as before and instead hooded with anger, “You’ve got a beautiful wife and a nice and healthy son. I think this qualifies you to stop fucking around with Seunghyun.”
“You were pretending to be a whore, Yejun. You’re a fucking doctor,” he says, steering the conversation away from his faux heterosexuality.
“I love him, okay? I know you think you do too, but I honest to god love him like nothing else. You’ve got to leave him alone. He’s fucking dying. What he needs is someone not hiding who they are from the world, someone to support him without pitying him, someone like me. I’ve been watching him, Younghak, where the hell else do you think I’ve been? I’ve been paying to fuck him.”
Younghak feels numb as he remembers what Seunghyun said about controlling his clients.
“I’m not going to pass him up so you can have him like a fucking dog pissing on his territory, Yejun. Why not let him choose what he wants?”
Yejun scowls and then smiles, “Fine. Why not?”
Younghak feels something chip away at his confidence and he’s never been so terrified in his life.
-
Seunghyun looks at both of them like he’s been expecting this.
“I feel like a girl, but… Jesus, okay, I choose Yejun.”
Younghak blinks and says, “What?”
Seunghyun won’t meet his eyes and Younghak knows something is up and that someone talked him into this. He just doesn’t know how to call him on it.
“I pick Yejun. You don’t have to come here anymore.”
Younghak looks over at Yejun, who doesn’t seem triumphant at all, his forehead scrunched in frustration.
“Seunghyun, you don’t honestly-”
“Fucking hell,” Seunghyun says, anger exploding out of him like he’s been keeping it bottled up for months and Younghak realizes that maybe he has, “Go away, okay? Go to your perfect fucking wife and your son. Go live a fucking heterosexual life and leave me the hell alone. God, please.”
He chokes out that last word and Yejun catches him before he crumbles, in way that is so familiar to Younghak that it hurts to watch.
“Seung-”
“Christ, Younghak. Get the message, okay?” Yejun says, spitting out the words, and Younghak finally sees it, the kind of love his wife has for him, the kind of love that’s made to never be forgotten, the exact kind of love Seunghyun needs and deserves.
He leaves as quiet and confused as he had come the first time he saw Seunghyun and it feels too soon. Don’t go, his heart protests, don’t leave him. Good thing he learned how to shut it up a long time ago.
-
He tries to stay away and manages well enough for five months straight. But, then, one day, his wife tugs him along to a parenting session and Yejun is the instructor. He barely blinks when Younghak comes in and instead ushers them into their seats.
After the session, Younghak tells his wife to go on ahead while he asks the doctor one last question. Yejun doesn’t seem surprised and closes the door before facing him.
“Is he… is he happy?”
“As happy as can be,” Yejun responds and Younghak understands.
“Have you been…?”
“Fucking him? Yes, I have.”
It’s too sharp and blatant, the words cutting Younghak’s stitches open with precision.
Yejun sighs. “Don’t come back, Younghak. I would get on my knees to beg if it wouldn’t dirty my jeans. He’s learning to live without you.”
His mind screams that he doesn’t want Seunghyun to do that, wants Seunghyun to remember him always, have his face imprinted and masked over any guy he ever fucks. His mind screams that it’s only fair like that. Seunghyun can’t possibly be allowed to move on when Younghak knows he never will.
“I want to see him. Just once. I won’t come close enough to see, I promise.”
Yejun searches for something in Younghak’s eyes and smiles grimly when he finds it.
“Okay.”
-
Seunghyun looks beautiful still and Younghak wonders why he imagined it would be any different. He’s glowing and Younghak knows he’s just had sex. He can tell by the way Seunghyun runs his hands up and down his thighs like he’s trying to rub off the feeling.
He watches Yejun go up to him by the front desk. Seunghyun grins bright and genuine when he sees Yejun and Younghak remembers a time when that was only his.
Yejun leans forward and kisses Seunghyun’s cheek, making the man giggle like a schoolgirl. And, yeah, Younghak can see he’s happy, and yes, that hurts.
He feels like a selfish asshole as he wishes for Seunghyun to be devastated and refusing to move on. He wants to stop being so lonely in that feeling. Scratch that, his brain whispers bitterly, you just want to stop feeling altogether.
Seunghyun laughs at something Yejun said and he’s breathtaking like this.
Younghak sinks into himself, imagines his whole being contort and become something ugly. He tells himself that’s what he’s become. He tells himself he won’t ever come back into Seunghyun’s life. And, that lasts for about three weeks.
-
Seunghyun falters when he sees Younghak, eyes wide and stupidly pretty as he backs away just a tiny bit.
“You. No. Why are you. Why did you come back?”
“This is going to come out all dry and cliché but I can’t live without you, so I decided I won’t anymore. I got a divorce, Seunghyun, and came out to my parents. I did it for you and for me. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so liberated.”
He doesn’t dare touch Seunghyun even though his fingers twitch from the restrain and waits for Seunghyun to soak it all in.
“I. How did they take that?”
“Not very well,” Younghak says, smiling sadly, “But, my wife took it just fine. She said she sort of felt like I was because I never got hard unless I had her flipped over.”
Seunghyun cracks a smile and then beams. It’s the single most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
“I’m so proud of you,” Seunghyun says before flinging himself on Younghak, “Jesus, so fucking proud.”
Younghak melts against Seunghyun, grips him tight, and clings like he won’t ever let go.
“Thank you for giving me a reason to do it,” Younghak smiles, kissing the side of Seunghyun’s neck, “Thank you.”
Seunghyun pulls back slightly and Younghak sees that he’s crying.
“Stupid,” he says softly, brushing away the tears, “What’re you crying for?”
“Shut up,” Seunghyun huffs before kisses him dizzy.
-
Seunghyun fidgets in his seat and Younghak’s ex-wife seems way too comfortable. Younghak looks at both of them and then smiles. Younghak’s son scrambles into Seunghyun’s lap and that’s when Seunghyun finally breaks out of his trance, smiling down and tapping Taejun’s nose. Taejun giggles and clutches Seunghyun’s shirt as he tugs himself up until he can puts his arms around Seunghyun’s neck.
She watches them and Younghak watches her and it’s nice to see warmth in her eyes.
He had told her the same night he came out to her that if he were straight, he’d be the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet to have her. That he was lucky to have her at all. She had kissed him softly and told him that Seunghyun was lucky to have him.
Taejun shrieks gleefully as Seunghyun tickles him and they’re so completely lost with each other that Younghak can’t help but smile. He catches her eye and they wordlessly agree that somehow Taejun went after Seunghyun.
-
Seunghyun doesn’t quit his job but decreases his hours so he can take classes at the local college. He refuses to let Younghak help with the money and says he’s going to earn a degree in fashion all by himself. He pushes Younghak to take photography classes and laughs when Younghak tells him his father is completely fine with him with being if gay as long as he doesn’t get gayer.
Yejun remains a part of Seunghyun’s life, watching over him with care more than longing, and Younghak comes to like him a great deal even if he looks at Younghak with a mix of dread and acknowledgement, when Younghak snatches Seunghyun away on their second vacation. This time, though, the trip is very public and Younghak doesn’t hesitate to introduce Seunghyun as his boyfriend.
“You are such a sleaze,” Seunghyun says as they walk down a beach, “You just want an excuse to say it.”
“What, you complaining?”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Seunghyun deadpans, but Younghak can see the underlying thrill in his eyes as clear as day.
He tugs Seunghyun close until he’s leaning his head on Younghak’s shoulder and when they get home, Seunghyun doesn’t leave in the morning. He rolls around, grumpy at being woken up by Younghak’s near obsessive touching, and kisses Younghak soundly before falling asleep again.
A/N: Younghak’s photography isn’t out of the blue. He really does like it irl. Here’s a picture he took.
