bitchin'
I was hanging out with some friends tonight. Just trying to keep myself moving, distractions! Didn't work. I kept being reminded of the great times I had freshman and sophomore year, and the people that made those memories weren't there. No, they're in DC, Canada, sleeping, working on their SMP. We're growing up, more importantly apart. Those memories will be forever, but they aren't right here where they need to be.
Some are, and their long flowing golden locks help keep me sane. But, god, no one else there really belonged. I don't share those memories with them--not to say they aren't important to me, but god I need the comfort I used to feel. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm bashing. I'm not trying to... it's just. It's not the same and oh god I could use a trip down memory lane.
You said you were relieved. I wasn't. I'm not. I hated how things were so I had to change them. It's not better now, but it has the potential to be so. It hurt so much when you said that. Literally a punch to the stomach. All the good things I was feeling about the whole thing flew away after that.
I feel empty and untethered. I guess that's how everyone feels when they break up. At least I have closure and that feeling like I've done the right thing. It just sucks so much. I want this feeling to go away. God, I almost feel like I could forget about the past year and a half. I was thinking about the first time we kissed. That night was glorious.
I'm worried that I'm never going to be in love again. Not to say that I won't fall in love. God, I'm so good at that. I'm worried that no one is going to love me. I feel like there is something wrong with me, that no one will see what I can see in myself. Even those who do, my friends who know I'm great, they won't love me the way I need to be loved. And that scares me so much. Not scared enough to stay in a relationship that is obviously not working, though.
It wasn't even the not working where you fight and cry all the time. It was like the passion went out like a candle. The way I used to feel, the so desperately into the other person that you can't stop thinking about and wanting just went away. I blame Italy. I blame the MAT program. I blame us for not trying harder.
I also felt so smothered. He didn't understand that grabbing at me, touching me under my clothes when I told him to stop wasn't something that would help. I hated that he used to come up behind me and touch my ass or grab my boobs. God he used to do it when we were in the great room or when I was talking to my friends. I just got fucking annoyed of that shit. I hated it. I don't know why he thought that was a good idea. It just made me uncomfortable and pissed. I told him. I tried to unnoticeably make him stop. Nope.
I miss him so much. I saw him yesterday and I'm freaking out. The future is so long and scary without him. I knew we weren't going to be together forever, but I never thought I would feel like this. Honestly, I thought I would feel relieved, too.
It's weird even thinking about eradicating someone from your life. Nora and I took down the picture I had of us on the wall, and the post-it he had written "Love You" on. I'm tempted to root through the trash to find it, just to look at it. But I don't need to do that. And if I don't need to do it, then I'm not going to. I do need to give him his stuff back. I want to give him a birthday present. I want to write him a note. I need to let go and keep moving.
Someone will love me enough and I will love them enough to cuddle. To talk with and not get bored. To actually have things to talk about.
I want to talk to you so bad. About last night, what you did, how you handled it. Emily said she saw you last night and had brunch with you. I'm jealous of her. I want someone to tell me it's ok to call you and talk to you. But I know it's not. I know.
We watched The Men Who Stare At Goats and George Clooney was carrying a goat around. I'm jealous that you have Alexander to cuddle with. I wish I had a small little furry to make me feel better. I just want to hug something and them not talk and just rub their tiny little head against me.
Last night I sobbed myself to sleep. I fully plan on doing the same tonight.
Some are, and their long flowing golden locks help keep me sane. But, god, no one else there really belonged. I don't share those memories with them--not to say they aren't important to me, but god I need the comfort I used to feel. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm bashing. I'm not trying to... it's just. It's not the same and oh god I could use a trip down memory lane.
You said you were relieved. I wasn't. I'm not. I hated how things were so I had to change them. It's not better now, but it has the potential to be so. It hurt so much when you said that. Literally a punch to the stomach. All the good things I was feeling about the whole thing flew away after that.
I feel empty and untethered. I guess that's how everyone feels when they break up. At least I have closure and that feeling like I've done the right thing. It just sucks so much. I want this feeling to go away. God, I almost feel like I could forget about the past year and a half. I was thinking about the first time we kissed. That night was glorious.
I'm worried that I'm never going to be in love again. Not to say that I won't fall in love. God, I'm so good at that. I'm worried that no one is going to love me. I feel like there is something wrong with me, that no one will see what I can see in myself. Even those who do, my friends who know I'm great, they won't love me the way I need to be loved. And that scares me so much. Not scared enough to stay in a relationship that is obviously not working, though.
It wasn't even the not working where you fight and cry all the time. It was like the passion went out like a candle. The way I used to feel, the so desperately into the other person that you can't stop thinking about and wanting just went away. I blame Italy. I blame the MAT program. I blame us for not trying harder.
I also felt so smothered. He didn't understand that grabbing at me, touching me under my clothes when I told him to stop wasn't something that would help. I hated that he used to come up behind me and touch my ass or grab my boobs. God he used to do it when we were in the great room or when I was talking to my friends. I just got fucking annoyed of that shit. I hated it. I don't know why he thought that was a good idea. It just made me uncomfortable and pissed. I told him. I tried to unnoticeably make him stop. Nope.
I miss him so much. I saw him yesterday and I'm freaking out. The future is so long and scary without him. I knew we weren't going to be together forever, but I never thought I would feel like this. Honestly, I thought I would feel relieved, too.
It's weird even thinking about eradicating someone from your life. Nora and I took down the picture I had of us on the wall, and the post-it he had written "Love You" on. I'm tempted to root through the trash to find it, just to look at it. But I don't need to do that. And if I don't need to do it, then I'm not going to. I do need to give him his stuff back. I want to give him a birthday present. I want to write him a note. I need to let go and keep moving.
Someone will love me enough and I will love them enough to cuddle. To talk with and not get bored. To actually have things to talk about.
I want to talk to you so bad. About last night, what you did, how you handled it. Emily said she saw you last night and had brunch with you. I'm jealous of her. I want someone to tell me it's ok to call you and talk to you. But I know it's not. I know.
We watched The Men Who Stare At Goats and George Clooney was carrying a goat around. I'm jealous that you have Alexander to cuddle with. I wish I had a small little furry to make me feel better. I just want to hug something and them not talk and just rub their tiny little head against me.
Last night I sobbed myself to sleep. I fully plan on doing the same tonight.