We're Not Gay! What's Wrong with Not Having a Girlfriend?!
Title: ホモじゃない！彼女がいなくて何が悪い？！(We’re Not Gay! What’s Wrong with Not Having a Girlfriend?!)
Author: Unare Haineko
Pairing: Arashi x Arashi
Rating: R-ish…
Summary: One-shot. Crack. Jun is annoyed that the world thinks he’s gay, Nino is the voice of reason, Aiba is insecure and masochistic, Sho tries to be less awkward, Ohno is Ohno....
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Homo janai! Kanojo ga inakute nani ga warui?!
“Look, all I’m saying is, don’t you guys think that it’s weird that none of the other Johnny’s groups get as much shit as us for not having girlfriends?” Jun asked, puffing on his cigarette as he leaned on the balcony banister. “Or how we always get asked if we had to date or marry another member, who would it be and why?”
“We’re a group that just naturally gets along with each other. Besides, they’re just questions to feed the rabid fangirls’ minds. Why do you even care what other people think?” asked Nino, stealing one of the cigarettes from Jun and sitting down on the plastic recliner next to Jun. “It doesn’t stop you from saying whatever it is you’re going to say-“
“We haven’t given any indication for them to think that we’re gay-“ protested Jun.
“We kiss and grope each other all the time,” Nino shrugged.
“Yeah, but everyone knows it’s supposed to be fan service,” Jun interjected.
“But it isn’t-“
“They don’t know that. As far as Arashi is concerned, we’re doing as our contracts stipulate-no girlfriends-“
“But we’re really fucking each other behind closed doors,” Nino pointed out as he puffed out smoke rings just for the heck of it. “It’s like hiding in plain sight…”
“Nino!“
“Oh, come off it, Jun-kun-“
“Sho! Back me up here-“ Jun demanded.
“Well, MatsuJun does have a point…” Sho agreed slowly. “I think it is somewhat odd that we’re always paired with each other instead of other celebrities…”
“Jun-kun, you didn’t seem to mind what people thought when you had your dick in Leader’s ass half an hour ago. And Sho-san, you seemed to be enjoying yourself when Aiba-chan was sucking you off,” Nino pointed out.
“Sho-chan, you don’t like my blowjobs?” whimpered Aiba, crawling out from under the covers.
“Masaki, I didn’t mean it like that-“ Sho backpedaled, trying to calm Aiba down. “You suck better than anyone I know-“
“You mean there have been others recently?!” wailed Aiba, running towards the sliding door, ready to hurl himself over the railing dramatically plummeting a startling three meters to the garden below.
“No! No! I mean-“ Sho looked over at Nino helplessly, who rolled his eyes and stood up reluctantly. “Ninoooo!”
“Nino’s better than me and he doesn’t even do blowjobs?!”
“Aiba-chan,” Nino said, grabbing Aiba by the shoulders as he ran by. “Relax, Sho-kun doesn’t have the balls to do it with anyone else. Of course Leader and Jun-kun give good blowjobs and we all know that Jun-kun really likes to deep throat just as much as he likes to top-“
“What?!”
“But no one has the suction power like you do,” reassured Nino. “Sho-kun is not gonna cheat on Arashi. He’s as gay as they come and with his awkwardness in giving blowjobs, it’s better for him to stay with Arashi than to try and explore other possibilities.”
“I am not awkward!” protested Sho.
“Sho-kun,” Nino said, looking disapprovingly at the rapper. “Sexercise is a sport and what did we establish about you and sports?”
“That I’m…athletically…challenged…” Sho replied quietly.
“That’s right. Do we need to go back to the first time Aiba-chan tried to give you a handjob and your leg cramped up so you had to sit that round out?”
“No, but-“
“Or when Leader topped you for the first time and you came and passed out after he hit your prostate twice?”
“Okay…”
“Or when you finally tried to give Aiba-chan a blowjob and ended up choking-“
“Okay, Nino! Point taken!” Sho said, turning bright red at the third reminder of his awkwardness in the bedroom.
“See, Aiba-chan?” Nino said triumphantly, moving over to Sho and playing with his hair. “You’re clearly his favorite and aside from our faithful leader, the only one with the patience for him.”
“Wait, so you wouldn’t let me top you?” asked Sho.
“No way,” Nino said quickly. “No offense, but I’d take Jun-kun over you any day. You’re just too high risk for me, Sho-kun…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” snapped Jun.
“Even though you know what you’re doing, you always leave bruises on my hips and butt,” complained Nino, pulling down his lounge about the house pants and showing Jun what he meant.
“I gave you those?” Jun asked, pointing to two large bruises on one of Nino’s lower cheeks.
“Yes, and you bit me last time,” grumbled Nino, pointing to the faint bruising on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Jun apologized, wrapping his arms around Nino’s waist and kissing his shoulder.
“Why are you always so rough with me? Leader never has any bruises-“
“That’s because Leader is so dark and is all muscle,” Aiba pointed out. “Nino, you need to play less video games and exercise more. Your butt bruises easily because it has no muscle-”
“Shut up, Aiba-chan.” Nino said, trying to bat away Jun’s advances. “Jun-kun, why are you initiating this when you were the very one complaining about how the world thinks you’re gay?”
“Ooh, are we going again?” Ohno asked, rolling off the bed that he had been sleeping on and rubbing his eyes sleepily.
“Ohno-san, am I sexually awkward?” asked Sho.
“No, you’re gay,” Ohno said matter-of-factly.
“Not, sexually ambiguous, sexually awkward,” Jun corrected, as he rubbed himself against Nino’s backside while caressing the front with his left hand.
“Definitely, but when you’re with Aiba-chan, you don’t seem so bad,” Ohno replied a little too honestly for Sho, who deflated as Ohno began rummaging through the sheets.
“So would you let me top you?” asked Sho.
“I wouldn’t as hell wouldn’t,” Jun cut in.
“We know you wouldn’t,” Nino interrupted, trying to squirm out of Jun’s limbs with about as much success as trying to escape from an octopus. “That’s not saying much since you’ll never bottom for any of us-“
“But Masaki says it’s not that bad-“ protested Sho defensively.
“That’s what you call-“
“I don’t lie, Nino!” Aiba interjected.
“Who said you were lying?” Nino asked irritably at having been repeatedly cut off midsentence. “You’re gonna give me another hickey, Jun-kun, and I have a photo shoot tomorrow! I was going to say that that was what you call love-“
“That’s right, Sho-chan. I love you and I don’t mind-“
“Notice he said he didn’t mind,” Jun pointed out cruelly.
“MatsuJun!” Aiba groaned, as he slapped his forehead with his palm.
“Well, we all know Jun-kun is more your type anyway, Aiba-chan,” snickered Nino.
“W-What?!” Sho sputtered.
“Aiba-chan likes it rough. He’s as masochistic as you are gay, Sho-kun. If you wanna really hear him scream and see his eyes roll back in his head as his body writhes in pleasure like a whore, just watch him when Jun tortures him.”
“Masaki…” Sho said with wide eyes as he stared at a blushing Aiba.
“I know you don’t want to hurt me as much as possible, Sho-chan,” Aiba began trying vainly to hide his embarrassment. “But it hurts so good…”
“Don’t worry, Aiba-chan. Jun-kun has no conscience. He has no qualms about dishing out pain and torture-“
“Hey!”
“Though I suppose one could argue that being Sho-kun’s bottom might be the ultimate form of torture…so maybe it all works out…” Nino muttered to himself.
“Ohno-san, would you let me top you?” asked Sho.
“Sure, after you practice on Aiba-chan a little more,” Ohno smiled and threw the lube he located from between the sheets at Jun and Nino.
“You top Leader this time,” Nino said, pulling away from Jun. “Satoshi, I want you to top me this time. Jun-kun is too rough.”
“It’s okay, Sho-chan,” Aiba said, pulling down his pants and rubbing Sho’s already exposed chest. “We can keep practicing until you get it right…”
“What if we tied up MatsuJun this time?” suggested Ohno.
“Leader!”
“A little torture?” Nino grinned impishly.
“We don’t have to torture him, but what if we just tied him to the bed and I rode him and you rode me?” asked Ohno. “Then you wouldn’t have to worry about him bruising you…”
“Oi! Let go!” yelled Jun as he was quickly subdued with the assistance of the Sakuraiba pair.
“Don’t worry, MatsuJun, it feels really good,” Aiba reassured him.
“I’ll get you all for this!” Jun squirmed.
“You’ll still be underneath so even if they think they can ‘ride’ you, you can still thrust up when they’re coming down,” whispered Aiba, patting Jun on the head before turning his attention back to the insecure newscaster.
Jun stopped squirming and visualized the scenario. If Nino was riding Ohno and Ohno was riding him, they should be moving in the same general direction, but if they were coming down and he suddenly thrust up hard enough, it would in theory be like they were being slammed into twice as hard and maybe there would still be enough force to create a hiccup in movements. Jun smirked. This could be fun.
“Satoshi!” howled Nino, bouncing on Ohno’s lap as Jun controlled the situation from below. “Fuck! Stop him! This is your fault, Satoshi!”
“S-S-Sorry!” gasped Ohno.
“Sho-chan, aren’t you glad you got paired with me again?” smiled Aiba, kissing Sho on the nose.
“Masaki, don’t touch there-”
“Why not?”
“It’s not right-“
“But Leader got to last time-“
“Jun-kun! I’m telling everyone about you the next interview we have. Satoshi, you lazy lima bean, do something!”
“I’m coming!” Ohno replied, which got him a slap in the head from Nino and a slap on the ass from Jun, who had managed to work one hand free.
“Why do you always get to cum first?!” Jun and Nino complained as Ohno’s body shook between them.
“Age before beauty?” Ohno offered, to which he received another slap and a shove.
“Oh my God, Sho-chan! Are you alright?!” Aiba shouted, interrupting the quarrel.
Nino rolled off of Ohno and Ohno untied Jun.
“What happened?!” Nino demanded, annoyed that his own backside hurt and he was not able to achieve his own release.
“Sho-chan, he was trying to show me that he could be like MatsuJun,” Aiba said tearfully.
“And then what?!” Jun said, rubbing his wrists and standing over Sho, who was quivering on the side in an awkward position.
“I think I threw out my back…” Sho said, trying to stretch his body out, but having to resort to staying in his awkward position due to the severity of the pain.
“Are you serious?!” Nino yelled. “What did I just tell you, Sho-kun?!”
“Do you need a doctor?” asked Ohno. “Should we call an ambulance?”
“Maybe not an ambulance, but maybe a doctor?” Sho whimpered pitifully.
“Can I call?” volunteered Jun, clearly too amused to be angry that his romp had been interrupted.
“Would you mind?” asked Aiba.
“No problem,” Jun said innocently. “Who should I say the cause of the back pain was?”
Sho and Aiba paled when they realized what Jun was implying. Aiba lunged at Jun, who ran across the room laughing while he called for a doctor, much to the embarrassment of Sho.
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Heh…I dunno where this came from…Too much school has broken my brain. I have a statistics final tomorrow and I know nothing. Wunderbar…