You Keep Lying To Yourself
We could recognize our faults
We could admit when we're wrong
We could try to talk things out
Instead of yelling from the wells of our lungs
But we don't
But we don't
We could try and patch things up
Siphon out the bad blood
We could set our pride aside
Ignore our egos for the night
And make love
But we won't
But we won't
But we won't
We won't
We insist we'll be all right
These wounds will heal themselves with time
All we have to do
Is stick it through a few more months
And we'll be fine
But we know
But we know
But we know
We know
You could finally tell me off
But I got a feeling you won't
You keep lying to yourself
But the truth is you're afraid of letting go
So let go
So let go
Let go
This song gets me every time. You can never go wrong with The Good Life. I wish they'd put out some new stuff, it's been 3 years. I was watching Ellen earlier and Ricky Martin was a guest. He had talked about his book, which included coming out of the closet. He felt that the bullying of gay youth cried out for a role model to come out and say "It's ok to be gay!". Or something like that. The message kind of got lost in the events of the rest of the day, but the gist remained. I'm glad that my "being different" (a bisexual who came out at 17 to one person, and then everyone else 2 years later) didn't meet with any bullying. I feel terrible for the kids who have gone through it, and continue to grow through it. Like there's nothing I can do to help, or stop it. People are stupid. I'm glad I turned out the way I did, I'm glad my parents didn't disown me upon finding out. No haters gonna get me down.
So today has been an interesting day, of sorts. It started simple enough, Morgen had the day off and took the kids to daycare with me. She forgot the bottles at the apartment, so we drove back and forth with the twins in tow. After grabbing some breakfast, the apartment manager wanted us to grab some toys out of a vacated apartment. That in itself deserves a whole entry. I'd like to say the people that moved out were tweakers, but I've always been under the impression that tweakers were clean freaks. To say the least, this apartment was far from clean. That being said, it's easy to assume we didn't want to take anything out of there. OK, we did find a crane truck, that (after being thoroughly scrubbed down with disinfectant) Riley does seem to like playing with. Morgen wanted to dye her hair for her birthday, so we stopped by Sally's Beauty and dropped a pretty penny on some highlights that she swore would cover her whole head. We needed two boxes. She enlisted me to do it, which I thought would be a bad idea. I don't think I did half a bad job, but I won't be applying to Toni & Guy anywhere in the near future. Or ever. The rest of the afternoon/evening was spent giving baths, eating dinner and putting the kids to bed. I called my dad to tell him Happy Veterans Day, which I think he appreciated. Watched some tv, cleaned bottles for daycare, dinner dishes, and laundry. Simple enough.
The part where it gets interesting is where I had opened Gmail and was in the process of writing Kevin an email. In case future me has forgotten this, he and I hadn't had really any contact since I came out here. One of the points of breaking up (and moving two states away) is severing contact. There had been an AIM convo recently, and then two, and I think a grand total of about 5? Well, the point of this email was to say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have given in and talked with you". Don't get me wrong, a part of me was curious about how he'd been since I left. That's just me, though. I will forever be curious. Because I had promised Morgen no contact at all, I quickly closed out of the window before typing a word. Just like old me. Old, untrustworthy me. What transpired next was just like all the old times where I had been lying and cheating on Morgen behind her back. This wasn't cheating, but I did do something against what I said. That's something I hadn't wanted to do after starting fresh out here. I miss Arizona, I miss my friends, I miss the simpler times when all I had to worry about was work and where I was going to drink that night. I'm fine without the drinking, I'm working on the work part, but this whole "growing up" (i.e. being a responsible adult and father, not pulling the shit I used to) is pretty fucking hard. I'm gonna have to figure this shit out, grow a pair, and start being the person I swore I was starting to become.