ROTM 1.30.2 - "And in my hour of darkness..."
1.30.2 - "And in my hour of darkness / She is standing right in front of me"
It's not as though he's thinking. At least, not in the "talking to himself" way, the "thoughts following logic and straight lines" kind of way. He's operating on almost pure instinct, now, so much more animal than man. And considering that in many people's estimations, he was only half-man before he'd left and that the other half was demon, what was left wasn't pretty.
If he could see himself-- that is, if the rational, thinking, standing on two feet and wearing more than a pair of pants version of him could see himself-- there'd be no doubt he'd be disgusted. He's turned into the one thing he's always feared, even more than Angelus. Despite the infinite capacity for evil and cruelty, Angelus at least walked and talked like a man. This wasn't a man, or even a vampire, really. This was an animal, driven by the basest of drives, nothing more than fleeting impressions and images in its mind.
This is abandonment to the growling, snarling, hunger that didn't think, didn't reason. This is total loss of control. And he would hate it.
He seeks her out because her scent is familiar. Somewhere, it remembers the gold hair and the soft skin belying the power beneath it.
He attacks her because it also remembers pain. The torment and the pain and all the things that never seemed to end. Very, very deep, something in him connects all that to her, too.
The chains anger him. Her fear of him infuriates him.
But when he knows freedom again, and finds her again, there is no question. There is no hesitation when his instincts compel him to help her. Something is attacking her, bent on hurting her, and he knows in whatever way the animal can know, that he cannot allow that to happen. The chains become a weapon, but it his own bare hands that kill his prey, as befitting the animal.
Calm settles in. Breathing slows, and his heartbeat quiets. He sees her again, and something more than instinct flickers through his mind. Something fights its way through the fog of the animal thoughts, even as his mouth struggles to form the familiar noise.
"Buffy?"
The sound of his own voice in his ears begins to trigger more thoughts, more sparks of more-than-animal, and they warm him. He knows her again, and drops to his knees, wrapping bare arms around her legs, desperate to hold her in his thoughts and in the real and solid world.
"Buffy..."
He holds on, and with her as both anchor and beacon, he begins to become himself again.
Angel
'Angel' the series
Word Count: 434
It's not as though he's thinking. At least, not in the "talking to himself" way, the "thoughts following logic and straight lines" kind of way. He's operating on almost pure instinct, now, so much more animal than man. And considering that in many people's estimations, he was only half-man before he'd left and that the other half was demon, what was left wasn't pretty.
If he could see himself-- that is, if the rational, thinking, standing on two feet and wearing more than a pair of pants version of him could see himself-- there'd be no doubt he'd be disgusted. He's turned into the one thing he's always feared, even more than Angelus. Despite the infinite capacity for evil and cruelty, Angelus at least walked and talked like a man. This wasn't a man, or even a vampire, really. This was an animal, driven by the basest of drives, nothing more than fleeting impressions and images in its mind.
This is abandonment to the growling, snarling, hunger that didn't think, didn't reason. This is total loss of control. And he would hate it.
He seeks her out because her scent is familiar. Somewhere, it remembers the gold hair and the soft skin belying the power beneath it.
He attacks her because it also remembers pain. The torment and the pain and all the things that never seemed to end. Very, very deep, something in him connects all that to her, too.
The chains anger him. Her fear of him infuriates him.
But when he knows freedom again, and finds her again, there is no question. There is no hesitation when his instincts compel him to help her. Something is attacking her, bent on hurting her, and he knows in whatever way the animal can know, that he cannot allow that to happen. The chains become a weapon, but it his own bare hands that kill his prey, as befitting the animal.
Calm settles in. Breathing slows, and his heartbeat quiets. He sees her again, and something more than instinct flickers through his mind. Something fights its way through the fog of the animal thoughts, even as his mouth struggles to form the familiar noise.
"Buffy?"
The sound of his own voice in his ears begins to trigger more thoughts, more sparks of more-than-animal, and they warm him. He knows her again, and drops to his knees, wrapping bare arms around her legs, desperate to hold her in his thoughts and in the real and solid world.
"Buffy..."
He holds on, and with her as both anchor and beacon, he begins to become himself again.
Angel
'Angel' the series
Word Count: 434