One-Night Stand Forever - [Twenty (2/2)]
The popcorn was greasy and buttery, and the salt gave it a feeling of grittiness in Ryan's cupped hand. He felt awkward, and what better way to avoid conversation than to block his voice box with repeated handfuls of sunshine yellow, fattening foods?
He was barricaded into his place on the couch; Brendon to his right and Jon to his left. Spencer was on the other side of Jon. The house was darkened as Spencer's parents and sisters had long since gone to bed, and the boys were parallel to a glowing screen, each sporting butter-coated fingers and lips.
A pair of blue eyes were clinging to the TV, a mouth absent-mindedly left hanging open, and finally Spencer returned to reality. His eyes flashed to Ryan. Caught in the act; his hand was submerged in the large blue bowl. "As I was saying," Spencer began, "we're all going to skip school tomorrow. You're welcome to stay here, but I totally understand if you want to go, or need to go. Just wake me up at 7 and I'll be more than glad to drop you off."
"Thanks," Ryan mumbled. He cautiously twisted his neck in the opposite direction, and sure enough, Brendon was looking straight at him. Both boys were quick to turn their gazes back to the movie.
The moment the night had adopted this uncomfortable, unpleasant mood was the moment Jon had put his camera down. Ryan believed himself to be the only one experiencing it, seeing as Jon was curled up in Spencer, tracing hearts on his wrist, and Spencer was wrapped up in the movie, and Brendon. Well, he could never tell with Brendon. The boy had been silent since, save for the randomly spurted, "I love this movie!"
Then again, Brendon had just begun belting out lyrics, actually singing along to the movie, and the other members of the party weren't patient when it came time for them to join in.
"This is Halloween! This is Halloween!" Spencer and Jon exclaimed, goofy grins adorning their luminous faces.
Brendon's rich, wicked voice cut in. "Pumpkins scream in the dead of night." The puff of breath that followed struck the back of Ryan's ear and he could just picture the malicious grin put on to match the tune.
Ryan felt even more alone and out of place. He fought to remember the words so that he could at least contribute a few lines and have some sense of belonging, but he had seen The Nightmare Before Christmas once in his entire life. Years and years ago.
It wasn't long before fingers were drumming up his sides, all the way up to the crown of his head.
"I am the one hiding under your stairs," Brendon sang in a whisper. "Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair."
Ryan jerked. Spencer and Jon giggled. They struggled to breath the next line.
"This is Halloween! This is Halloween!"
"Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!" everyone sang. Everyone except for Ryan.
Jon's smile fell at the sight of the boy next to him, at the forlorn expression and a finger picking at a thread of the couch. He fell into the other's open lap and looked up at hazel eyes. The room grew silent.
"Hey, Ryro."
"Hi, Jon."
The body spread across the lacking space of Ryan's thighs situated itself so that it was facing his stomach.
"Hey, baby." Calloused fingers skated around the bump for a while, and Jon stared, like he could see through the fabric and skin. "I think that no matter what your parents decide to do with you, you'll be loved more than anything in the world. You will be the world to whoever you're with. But I think you should know, and never forget, that Ryan loves you so, so, so much. It's really obvious, actually." Jon let out one laugh, as did Spencer, who added in a nod. Brendon remained silent and steadily breathing. "I remember the first time I met you. Ryan couldn't keep his hands off of you. Months later, and he still can't." As expected, Ryan's left hand was heavy on the stretched skin of his stomach. He mirrored Jon's grin.
There was a person inside of Ryan, another human. Someone that was part of him. All of the countless times he had thought of it before, the effect was never as strong as it was when Jon was spelling it out to him. Goosebumps broke out on every centimeter of skin covering his trembling bones.
Brendon swallowed next to him. "C-Can I, you know, talk to him?"
Something flashed in Jon's eyes and he sat up instantly, his head gravitating towards Spencer's shoulder.
A fumble of his fingers and Brendon added, "Privately."
"Brendon, I can't detach him from my body," Ryan muttered.
"No, duh." Brendon stood, crumbs of gold cascading down his jeans and a hand hanging limp in the air. Ryan stared at it. He focused first on the fingers' positions and then on possible meanings behind them. He could only come up with something similar to Brendon wanting him to grab it. To hold hands with Ryan.
To terminate his moment in the spotlight, Ryan looked to the TV. "Um, why don't we finish the movie first?"
Brendon's lips pursed. "Because, Ryan, I want to talk to him now."
He turned to Jon and Spencer for support, for something that would keep him from being isolated in a room with Brendon. Jon gave him a pat on the back. Spencer offered a smile.
He ended up solemnly following Brendon down the hall and into Spencer's bedroom.
"Lie down," Brendon ordered.
"Don't tell m-"
"Don't make this into a fucking argument," Brendon pressed. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and paced between Spencer's dresser and desk. "Just lie down." He stopped suddenly, strolling over and looking down at Ryan who was delicately spread above the robin blue sheets. In one fluid motion, he climbed onto the bed, occupying the area next to Ryan. "Wait. I need to talk to you first."
"About?"
"About him, of course," Brendon said in a sharp tone. "I've been thinking about adoption. I really have." He paused. Ryan imagined him late at night, still awake, mind overflowing. He knew what it was like. "You're right. It's the best idea." Ryan's heart halted. "We're young and we need to enjoy ourselves, and that's pretty much impossible if we're going to be working endless hours for minimum wage only to return home to more responsibility."
Ryan bit his lip and waited for more, waited for confessions, waited for, "Wait", but the last thing released from Brendon was a thick breath. "So, what you're saying is that you agree with it? That you really think we should do it? Find an intermediary or a foster home?"
"My kid's not going into a fucking foster home," Brendon spewed. If Ryan looked closely, there may have been liquid forming on the lining of Brendon's lashes. He wasn't going to think much into it. He wasn't going to comment on Brendon's litany of curses, either.
"You can't keep calling him that." The words were strangled due to an unmistakeable burning in his throat.
To Ryan, the request was reasonable because the baby wouldn't be theirs anymore. In fact, the situation would probably improve if they forgot he was ever theirs in the first place. Both boys needed to clear him from their memories. Or think of him as something similar to a glass of spilt milk. A mistake. A minuscule, not-so life altering mistake.
Brendon yanked his body onto its side, away from Ryan. "This is fucking unfair!"
"To us, maybe," Ryan said, with composure, because breaking down at a moment like this wouldn't help. "Not to him."
Accusing, chocolate eyes were back on Ryan within seconds. "How can you be so calm? It's like you never even cared about him to begin with!"
At this, Ryan let his tears fall. They hit Spencer's pillow like bullets. Perhaps he could create a hole big enough to swallow him up and remove him from existence. Brendon contained his suspecting glare, but his lower lip convulsed. He had no idea. "You think this was an easy decision for me? I've been living with him for almost nine months of my life, Brendon! He's with me every fucking second of every fucking day! Of course I care about him. I love him. You don't know how many times I've dreamt of holding him and talking to him and telling him how much I love him. I even told him a while back before I made the choice. Every night when I went to bed. Every morning when I woke up." A new set of tears flooded Ryan's eyes as his outcurved stomach came into view. "Now I have to pretend he isn't just sitting right there."
Brendon wiped at damp cheeks. He slithered his way down the bed and pressed a yearning ear to the bump. "It's my turn to talk to him," he explained, and Ryan wasn't sure if they were still having a conversation or if Brendon was simply assuring himself, giving himself a reason. Brendon liked reasons.
"I… Um." His brows furrowed in intense wonderment. The pressure on his eyelids forced a few more tears out of his eyes. "I… Hi. I'm your dad. Well, like, not anymore." Full lips whimpered and wide eyes closed. Had it been any other time, Ryan would've mocked Brendon. "I mean, I won't be your dad when you're born, because… beca- Fuck, I can't do this!"
With a roll, Brendon removed himself from the bed.
"We're not giving him away. I don't care what reasons you have, Ryan. This is our son and this will not be the last time I talk to him, because I will do anything, anything, whatever it takes to keep him in this family. If you don't love him as much as I do, even though I know you do, then I'll raise him by myself. Now, come on."
"Wh-"
Brendon grasped Ryan's forearm, tugging him in the direction of the door. "We're sleeping at your place."
"Why?"
A hint of a smile shone through on the face next to Ryan's. "Because we both won't fit on the couch."
Ryan coughed. This was the moment and he wasn't prepared. This was the moment Brendon would tell him. Brendon would declare his love for Ryan and reveal that he wanted them to be together forever. Ryan had thought about it. Brendon never wanted Ryan with other guys and Brendon acted differently around Ryan than he did around other people and Brendon liked to have sex with Ryan. Now Brendon wanted them to be a family and he still wanted to have sex with him. Or maybe just sleep in the same bed as him, but it was a score either way. Not that Brendon was amazing or anything. Not even close. He was okay, if Ryan had to place him somewhere on the scale. And that was being generous. But still, Ryan was at least excited to hear it after all of this time waiting.
Brendon took a breath in and Ryan's heart beat wildly, ready to burst through his ribcage.
"I'd like to have a sleepover with my son. He deserves it. He probably thought we gave up on him, for a while there."
Oh.
He was barricaded into his place on the couch; Brendon to his right and Jon to his left. Spencer was on the other side of Jon. The house was darkened as Spencer's parents and sisters had long since gone to bed, and the boys were parallel to a glowing screen, each sporting butter-coated fingers and lips.
A pair of blue eyes were clinging to the TV, a mouth absent-mindedly left hanging open, and finally Spencer returned to reality. His eyes flashed to Ryan. Caught in the act; his hand was submerged in the large blue bowl. "As I was saying," Spencer began, "we're all going to skip school tomorrow. You're welcome to stay here, but I totally understand if you want to go, or need to go. Just wake me up at 7 and I'll be more than glad to drop you off."
"Thanks," Ryan mumbled. He cautiously twisted his neck in the opposite direction, and sure enough, Brendon was looking straight at him. Both boys were quick to turn their gazes back to the movie.
The moment the night had adopted this uncomfortable, unpleasant mood was the moment Jon had put his camera down. Ryan believed himself to be the only one experiencing it, seeing as Jon was curled up in Spencer, tracing hearts on his wrist, and Spencer was wrapped up in the movie, and Brendon. Well, he could never tell with Brendon. The boy had been silent since, save for the randomly spurted, "I love this movie!"
Then again, Brendon had just begun belting out lyrics, actually singing along to the movie, and the other members of the party weren't patient when it came time for them to join in.
"This is Halloween! This is Halloween!" Spencer and Jon exclaimed, goofy grins adorning their luminous faces.
Brendon's rich, wicked voice cut in. "Pumpkins scream in the dead of night." The puff of breath that followed struck the back of Ryan's ear and he could just picture the malicious grin put on to match the tune.
Ryan felt even more alone and out of place. He fought to remember the words so that he could at least contribute a few lines and have some sense of belonging, but he had seen The Nightmare Before Christmas once in his entire life. Years and years ago.
It wasn't long before fingers were drumming up his sides, all the way up to the crown of his head.
"I am the one hiding under your stairs," Brendon sang in a whisper. "Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair."
Ryan jerked. Spencer and Jon giggled. They struggled to breath the next line.
"This is Halloween! This is Halloween!"
"Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!" everyone sang. Everyone except for Ryan.
Jon's smile fell at the sight of the boy next to him, at the forlorn expression and a finger picking at a thread of the couch. He fell into the other's open lap and looked up at hazel eyes. The room grew silent.
"Hey, Ryro."
"Hi, Jon."
The body spread across the lacking space of Ryan's thighs situated itself so that it was facing his stomach.
"Hey, baby." Calloused fingers skated around the bump for a while, and Jon stared, like he could see through the fabric and skin. "I think that no matter what your parents decide to do with you, you'll be loved more than anything in the world. You will be the world to whoever you're with. But I think you should know, and never forget, that Ryan loves you so, so, so much. It's really obvious, actually." Jon let out one laugh, as did Spencer, who added in a nod. Brendon remained silent and steadily breathing. "I remember the first time I met you. Ryan couldn't keep his hands off of you. Months later, and he still can't." As expected, Ryan's left hand was heavy on the stretched skin of his stomach. He mirrored Jon's grin.
There was a person inside of Ryan, another human. Someone that was part of him. All of the countless times he had thought of it before, the effect was never as strong as it was when Jon was spelling it out to him. Goosebumps broke out on every centimeter of skin covering his trembling bones.
Brendon swallowed next to him. "C-Can I, you know, talk to him?"
Something flashed in Jon's eyes and he sat up instantly, his head gravitating towards Spencer's shoulder.
A fumble of his fingers and Brendon added, "Privately."
"Brendon, I can't detach him from my body," Ryan muttered.
"No, duh." Brendon stood, crumbs of gold cascading down his jeans and a hand hanging limp in the air. Ryan stared at it. He focused first on the fingers' positions and then on possible meanings behind them. He could only come up with something similar to Brendon wanting him to grab it. To hold hands with Ryan.
To terminate his moment in the spotlight, Ryan looked to the TV. "Um, why don't we finish the movie first?"
Brendon's lips pursed. "Because, Ryan, I want to talk to him now."
He turned to Jon and Spencer for support, for something that would keep him from being isolated in a room with Brendon. Jon gave him a pat on the back. Spencer offered a smile.
He ended up solemnly following Brendon down the hall and into Spencer's bedroom.
"Lie down," Brendon ordered.
"Don't tell m-"
"Don't make this into a fucking argument," Brendon pressed. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and paced between Spencer's dresser and desk. "Just lie down." He stopped suddenly, strolling over and looking down at Ryan who was delicately spread above the robin blue sheets. In one fluid motion, he climbed onto the bed, occupying the area next to Ryan. "Wait. I need to talk to you first."
"About?"
"About him, of course," Brendon said in a sharp tone. "I've been thinking about adoption. I really have." He paused. Ryan imagined him late at night, still awake, mind overflowing. He knew what it was like. "You're right. It's the best idea." Ryan's heart halted. "We're young and we need to enjoy ourselves, and that's pretty much impossible if we're going to be working endless hours for minimum wage only to return home to more responsibility."
Ryan bit his lip and waited for more, waited for confessions, waited for, "Wait", but the last thing released from Brendon was a thick breath. "So, what you're saying is that you agree with it? That you really think we should do it? Find an intermediary or a foster home?"
"My kid's not going into a fucking foster home," Brendon spewed. If Ryan looked closely, there may have been liquid forming on the lining of Brendon's lashes. He wasn't going to think much into it. He wasn't going to comment on Brendon's litany of curses, either.
"You can't keep calling him that." The words were strangled due to an unmistakeable burning in his throat.
To Ryan, the request was reasonable because the baby wouldn't be theirs anymore. In fact, the situation would probably improve if they forgot he was ever theirs in the first place. Both boys needed to clear him from their memories. Or think of him as something similar to a glass of spilt milk. A mistake. A minuscule, not-so life altering mistake.
Brendon yanked his body onto its side, away from Ryan. "This is fucking unfair!"
"To us, maybe," Ryan said, with composure, because breaking down at a moment like this wouldn't help. "Not to him."
Accusing, chocolate eyes were back on Ryan within seconds. "How can you be so calm? It's like you never even cared about him to begin with!"
At this, Ryan let his tears fall. They hit Spencer's pillow like bullets. Perhaps he could create a hole big enough to swallow him up and remove him from existence. Brendon contained his suspecting glare, but his lower lip convulsed. He had no idea. "You think this was an easy decision for me? I've been living with him for almost nine months of my life, Brendon! He's with me every fucking second of every fucking day! Of course I care about him. I love him. You don't know how many times I've dreamt of holding him and talking to him and telling him how much I love him. I even told him a while back before I made the choice. Every night when I went to bed. Every morning when I woke up." A new set of tears flooded Ryan's eyes as his outcurved stomach came into view. "Now I have to pretend he isn't just sitting right there."
Brendon wiped at damp cheeks. He slithered his way down the bed and pressed a yearning ear to the bump. "It's my turn to talk to him," he explained, and Ryan wasn't sure if they were still having a conversation or if Brendon was simply assuring himself, giving himself a reason. Brendon liked reasons.
"I… Um." His brows furrowed in intense wonderment. The pressure on his eyelids forced a few more tears out of his eyes. "I… Hi. I'm your dad. Well, like, not anymore." Full lips whimpered and wide eyes closed. Had it been any other time, Ryan would've mocked Brendon. "I mean, I won't be your dad when you're born, because… beca- Fuck, I can't do this!"
With a roll, Brendon removed himself from the bed.
"We're not giving him away. I don't care what reasons you have, Ryan. This is our son and this will not be the last time I talk to him, because I will do anything, anything, whatever it takes to keep him in this family. If you don't love him as much as I do, even though I know you do, then I'll raise him by myself. Now, come on."
"Wh-"
Brendon grasped Ryan's forearm, tugging him in the direction of the door. "We're sleeping at your place."
"Why?"
A hint of a smile shone through on the face next to Ryan's. "Because we both won't fit on the couch."
Ryan coughed. This was the moment and he wasn't prepared. This was the moment Brendon would tell him. Brendon would declare his love for Ryan and reveal that he wanted them to be together forever. Ryan had thought about it. Brendon never wanted Ryan with other guys and Brendon acted differently around Ryan than he did around other people and Brendon liked to have sex with Ryan. Now Brendon wanted them to be a family and he still wanted to have sex with him. Or maybe just sleep in the same bed as him, but it was a score either way. Not that Brendon was amazing or anything. Not even close. He was okay, if Ryan had to place him somewhere on the scale. And that was being generous. But still, Ryan was at least excited to hear it after all of this time waiting.
Brendon took a breath in and Ryan's heart beat wildly, ready to burst through his ribcage.
"I'd like to have a sleepover with my son. He deserves it. He probably thought we gave up on him, for a while there."
Oh.