(no subject)
endofdragonflies: hello
Iceheart 2021: hi.
Iceheart 2021: how are you
endofdragonflies: um ok
Iceheart 2021: are you not sure?
endofdragonflies: Ehh
endofdragonflies: I'm ehh
Iceheart 2021: oh
endofdragonflies: you?
Iceheart 2021: well in that case...
endofdragonflies: ?
Iceheart 2021: im horrible. i am grounded from going to school early/ working out in the morning
endofdragonflies: why?
Iceheart 2021: because i took a nap
endofdragonflies: huh?
Iceheart 2021: thats what i said
endofdragonflies: ?
Iceheart 2021: apparently im not getting enough sleep or some bs like that, and they think that not letting me go to the gym to vent is a good idea
endofdragonflies: ::sighs::
Iceheart 2021: yeah
endofdragonflies: and you cant come to school early either?
Iceheart 2021: yep
Iceheart 2021: cause those two things have so much to do with each other
endofdragonflies: yeah
Iceheart 2021: so why are you ehhhhhh
endofdragonflies: im getting endless shit from all sides
endofdragonflies: except for one
endofdragonflies: and thats the side im not allowed to go to
Iceheart 2021: huhhuhhuh?
Iceheart 2021: ok
Iceheart 2021: not only did you lose me
Iceheart 2021: but you like killed me at the same time
Iceheart 2021: that was the single most vague comment evere
Iceheart 2021: ever even
endofdragonflies: not really
endofdragonflies: its actually pretty straight-forward
Iceheart 2021: right
Iceheart 2021: to you
endofdragonflies: especially considering who i am
Iceheart 2021: but im not in your shoes.
Iceheart 2021: and i dont recall giving you shit. so you cant be getting it from all sides
endofdragonflies: just substitute "side" for "person"
Iceheart 2021: right
Iceheart 2021: i got that much
Iceheart 2021: but again
Iceheart 2021: i dont recall giving you shit
Iceheart 2021: and i know said person isnt
endofdragonflies: ::sigh:: i meant in general. I'm getting it relentlessly from parents, other people's parents, teachers, friends, and even myself
Iceheart 2021: well
Iceheart 2021: you should definitely stop giving yourself shit. because thats like giving yourself a surprise present. its just the same old shit
endofdragonflies: ::sigh::
endofdragonflies: i cant
endofdragonflies: i keep diappointing myself. i dont blame hem for hating me anymore. i really dont.
Iceheart 2021: him or them
Iceheart 2021: and who in their right mind would hate you
endofdragonflies: *them
endofdragonflies: ::shrugs::
endofdragonflies: apparently lots of people
Iceheart 2021: appearances are very decieving
endofdragonflies: ?
Iceheart 2021: when you think a lot of people hate you its usually not as bad as it seems
endofdragonflies: everyone used to love me
endofdragonflies: what happened?
Iceheart 2021: i still do!
Iceheart 2021: i know what happened too
Iceheart 2021: they got jealous
endofdragonflies: ?
Iceheart 2021: but dont worry
Iceheart 2021: i still love you. you are always my favorite
endofdragonflies: favorite what?
endofdragonflies: favorite fuck up?
Iceheart 2021: favorite person in the whole world
Iceheart 2021: you cant even call yourself a fuck up
endofdragonflies: i just did
endofdragonflies: oh well
Iceheart 2021: you are about as much of a fuck up as i am brad pitt
Iceheart 2021: that means your not dip
endofdragonflies: ::sighs::
endofdragonflies: give me proof
endofdragonflies: you have none
Iceheart 2021: um
endofdragonflies: and therefore cannot convince me
Iceheart 2021: look at my lj profile
Iceheart 2021: and i havent updated that since last year
endofdragonflies: blah
endofdragonflies: link me
Iceheart 2021: but i have a billion kazillion reasons why you are the most awesome person ever
Iceheart 2021: http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=gentlemanmaster
Iceheart 2021: do you need more reasons?
endofdragonflies: i forgot to look
endofdragonflies: hold on
endofdragonflies: so... being deep makes me a good person
endofdragonflies: gargh
Iceheart 2021: makes you my favorite
Iceheart 2021: i like swimming in deep pools
endofdragonflies: of impure water
Iceheart 2021: i dont give a shit
Iceheart 2021: its a pool. dirty or clean, its a pool.
endofdragonflies: blah
endofdragonflies: ::stabs self;:
endofdragonflies: can i die please?
Iceheart 2021: bitch
Iceheart 2021: if you die
Iceheart 2021: i will bring you back to life
Iceheart 2021: and torture you to death
Iceheart 2021: cause if you go down you take her down with you
Iceheart 2021: woman!
would you PLEASE tell me what is going on so i can at least make a feeble attempt to help!!!!!!11
endofdragonflies: i dont care if im tortured to death. it'd be nice
Iceheart 2021: no it wouldnt
endofdragonflies: she is seriously the only thing keeping me from doing it right now
Iceheart 2021: good
endofdragonflies: which still isnt good
Iceheart 2021: now would you PLEASE tell me what the hell is going on
endofdragonflies: because as soon as she sees how lame i am and gets rid of me, im done
Iceheart 2021: she is static at the moment which means that knife is static.
Iceheart 2021: and if she thinks you are lame the world is coming to an end anyway
Iceheart 2021: AGH
endofdragonflies: what does that mean
Iceheart 2021: it means its not going to happen
Iceheart 2021: dip
Iceheart 2021: look
Iceheart 2021: if i were there
Iceheart 2021: i would slap you
endofdragonflies: go ahead
Iceheart 2021: tell me what is going on
endofdragonflies: i doubt i'd feel it
Iceheart 2021: PLEASE!
Iceheart 2021: im begging you woman
endofdragonflies: im just soooo tired of everything.
endofdragonflies: goddamn
endofdragonflies: i dont care about anything anymore
endofdragonflies: at all
Iceheart 2021: not even her?
endofdragonflies: i thought we already established she was the exception
endofdragonflies: anyway
endofdragonflies: i rarely laugh sincerely anymore
endofdragonflies: everything is forced
endofdragonflies: its not like freshman year where i'd forcea smile or laugh every once and awhile
Iceheart 2021: what about screwing the holes? was that forceD?
endofdragonflies: ::sigh::
endofdragonflies: that wasnt really that funny
endofdragonflies: it was funny
endofdragonflies: but not as funny as i let myself think it was
endofdragonflies: but
endofdragonflies: now
Iceheart 2021: now...
endofdragonflies: its lke even things like standing up or looking to the side just seem retarded. its pointless. and forced. Im like- why even move?
Iceheart 2021: jesus kid
endofdragonflies: i mean
endofdragonflies: before
endofdragonflies: at least i had motivation
Iceheart 2021: hey. i have an idea
endofdragonflies: to move
endofdragonflies: which was to go hang out with her
endofdragonflies: but now
endofdragonflies: i cant do that
endofdragonflies: so i say why do anything at all
Iceheart 2021: what happened?
Iceheart 2021: why cant you do that?
endofdragonflies: her fucking mom.
endofdragonflies: you know that.
Iceheart 2021: yeah
Iceheart 2021: but there are ways around that
endofdragonflies: yeah
endofdragonflies: i know
Iceheart 2021: how about you stop looking at this from your point of view. and try something different
endofdragonflies: and those ways are about to be taken away from my mom
endofdragonflies: *from me by mom
Iceheart 2021: how
endofdragonflies: cant stay after school, no hoomecoming, no nothing
Iceheart 2021: NO HOMECOMING!?>
Iceheart 2021: wtf
Iceheart 2021: ok
endofdragonflies: and no awa with chris
Iceheart 2021: im protestig
Iceheart 2021: thats bullshit!!!1
endofdragonflies: if i dont pull my grades up immediately
Iceheart 2021: do it1
endofdragonflies: which theres no way i can
endofdragonflies: not as quickly as she wants
endofdragonflies: especially since i really dont care anymore
Iceheart 2021: oh my god
Iceheart 2021: you have got to be fucking kidding me
Iceheart 2021: dani
Iceheart 2021: this is my last homecoming. you have to be there. you have to
endofdragonflies: what
endofdragonflies: ::shrugs::
Iceheart 2021: dani
Iceheart 2021: dammit
Iceheart 2021: look
Iceheart 2021: how about you try looking at it like this
Iceheart 2021: yes im stuck here. and there is no point to being here. but im still gonna get all that i can out of this. try to experience things like you never have before. try to be... alive.
endofdragonflies: why
Iceheart 2021: because dammit there is nothing better that you are willing to do
Iceheart 2021: you could do so many different things to get yourself out of that gutter if you wanted to
endofdragonflies: but thats the point
endofdragonflies: i DONT want to
Iceheart 2021: right
endofdragonflies: because i really DONT CARE
endofdragonflies: at all
Iceheart 2021: no shit
Iceheart 2021: i couldnt tell
Iceheart 2021: i never would have guessed you didnt care.
endofdragonflies: ugh
endofdragonflies: whatever
Iceheart 2021: you want to know something
Iceheart 2021: you honestly confuse the hell out of me.
Iceheart 2021: cause i look at you
Iceheart 2021: and what i know of your life
Iceheart 2021: and i know its been like hell sometimes. a lot of times. all the times. but you let yourself be dragged down by it sometimes. not all the times. only sometimes. and then something in you clicks and you pull yourself out of it. and then go back in deeper.
endofdragonflies: you know what?
endofdragonflies: youre right.
endofdragonflies: i think theres one sure way to end the cycle
endofdragonflies: dont you?
Iceheart 2021: you tried to jump track a couple of times. and you never figured out that it aint your time to go yet. and yet even with that knowledge in mind, you would rather sit there passively and wait for the end to come than do something about it. than
Iceheart 2021: then you try to make it come sooner.
Iceheart 2021: which is stupid
Iceheart 2021: because it obviously aint comin any quicker.
Iceheart 2021: seriously
Iceheart 2021: after that many tries i would think you would learn, because i know you are extremely intelligent
Iceheart 2021: i dont know what your beef is with the world, and why you are so eager to take the light out of my life and the lives of at the very least a handful of others, but whatever it is, its time to lay it out on the table and do something about it. try solving the problem instead of closing the book
endofdragonflies: im smart enough to know that when you fail at something, you try something different
Iceheart 2021: but you dont!
Iceheart 2021: you try to die, and try again.
Iceheart 2021: how about try living
endofdragonflies: why
endofdragonflies: i hate it
endofdragonflies: i hate lving
Iceheart 2021: you arent alive
Iceheart 2021: you arent living
endofdragonflies: right
endofdragonflies: im halfway dead
endofdragonflies: i want to whole thing
endofdragonflies: &the
endofdragonflies: *the
Iceheart 2021: you are trying to die. you cant live if you dont let go. and you cant let go if you dont know what you are holding on to.
Iceheart 2021: and you are addicted to the numbness.
Iceheart 2021: and there we have it.
endofdragonflies: no
Iceheart 2021: oh really?
endofdragonflies: im letting go of the numbness
Iceheart 2021: just cause you are addicted to it doesnt mean you like it. if you arent addicted, explain to me this - why do you break away from the numbness and start living, then dive back into it?
Iceheart 2021: i know you dont like it
Iceheart 2021: i know you HATE it
endofdragonflies: does it matter?
Iceheart 2021: but that doesnt mean you dont need it
endofdragonflies: either way
Iceheart 2021: YES!
endofdragonflies: id rather be done permanently
Iceheart 2021: it matters a great deal. because if you know why u want to be numb then you can stop.
Iceheart 2021: ok
endofdragonflies: i do want to
endofdragonflies: *dont
endofdragonflies: whatever
endofdragonflies: im going tobed
endofdragonflies: hopefully i die of boredom
endofdragonflies: at least then no one will blame me
Iceheart 2021: i will
endofdragonflies: well
endofdragonflies: thats a risk ill have to take
Iceheart 2021: you dont need to want to die
endofdragonflies: bye
Iceheart 2021: peace
endofdragonflies is away at 12:13:48 AM.
endofdragonflies returned at 12:15:33 AM.
endofdragonflies is away at 12:15:36 AM.