Introspective
OOC: Akazawa is privately facing issues spurring from the conflict between his faith and his sexuality-yep, he's gay and Catholic, not that he admits to it. So I decided to write an introspective/solo log to explore what's going on in his head.
Akazawa had signed up for the 3 AM timeslot in the chapel for two reasons. One, he was off work and two, he could be guaranteed to be the only person in there. The chapel duty was mostly for old biddies, and he saw his taking of the time as giving them another hour of muchly needed sleep.
But that wasn't on his mind as he entered, quickly blessed himself and settled in to wait for the 2 AM woman to finish and leave him alone. He knelt, hoping to look deep in prayer as the woman finally rose and shuffled out as the bells chimed the time, looking relieved that her shift was over and she could go home and get some rest. Still, he waited until the door quietly clicked behind her to move to a seat closer to the altar.
He knew exactly what to do; pray and glorify and in general be reverent. It was something he had done many times before, although this time he wasn't quite sure what there was to be glorifying about. In fact, he wasn't quite sure what to think anymore.
"We need to talk." Despite how quietly Akazawa spoke, his voice rumbled across the chapel. Good thing he was alone. Instead of facing the altar, however, he turned to the statue closest to him-St. Raphael; his patron saint. "I hate to break it to you, but you've been doing a really crappy job lately. Then again, so have I. But I didn't ask for it."
He remembered that day in religion class, when they were asked for their confirmation names. Despite his joke pick of Mary Magadalen, one of the patrons against sexual temptation (for which he got a lecture from Sister Kimura and detention, but it was worth it), he actually had Raphael as a serious pick. Patron saint of healing, and he had a disease, didn't he?
"I'd like to think I've been a good Catholic," Akazawa continued. "Okay, so what if I've eaten meat on Fridays during Lent and skipped Mass a few times in Hawaii to go surfing...okay, a lot of times in Hawaii to go surfing." He fiddled with the small crucifix around his neck; the one he accepted during his confirmation and hadn't taken off since. "And I'm not exactly keeping completely pure or anything. All that guilt's been keepin' me a virgin, maybe you got that part right. Too bad that all I think about now is guys, even though I know it's wrong." It was in the Bible, after all, not to mention the countless lectures he had heard in class as he sat there and tried not to sweat lest the nuns could smell the gay out of him.
"But I keep praying and it's not going away." Akazawa couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice. No matter what he did, the urges were still there, and he couldn't come to grips with it. No matter how many times Atsushi reminded him that Jesus never condemned homosexuals, it was still there. "I-I mean, it's a choice, right?"
"..Right?"
The silence in the chapel was overwhelming, enough to be downright frightening. "Dammit, answer me!"
He hit his forehead on the edge of the pew in front of him with a soft thunk and clasped his hands in front of him, hurriedly whispering every prayer he could think of, looking for something to grab onto in the drowning silence.
"And if you can't heal me...at least, pray for me. "
Akazawa had signed up for the 3 AM timeslot in the chapel for two reasons. One, he was off work and two, he could be guaranteed to be the only person in there. The chapel duty was mostly for old biddies, and he saw his taking of the time as giving them another hour of muchly needed sleep.
But that wasn't on his mind as he entered, quickly blessed himself and settled in to wait for the 2 AM woman to finish and leave him alone. He knelt, hoping to look deep in prayer as the woman finally rose and shuffled out as the bells chimed the time, looking relieved that her shift was over and she could go home and get some rest. Still, he waited until the door quietly clicked behind her to move to a seat closer to the altar.
He knew exactly what to do; pray and glorify and in general be reverent. It was something he had done many times before, although this time he wasn't quite sure what there was to be glorifying about. In fact, he wasn't quite sure what to think anymore.
"We need to talk." Despite how quietly Akazawa spoke, his voice rumbled across the chapel. Good thing he was alone. Instead of facing the altar, however, he turned to the statue closest to him-St. Raphael; his patron saint. "I hate to break it to you, but you've been doing a really crappy job lately. Then again, so have I. But I didn't ask for it."
He remembered that day in religion class, when they were asked for their confirmation names. Despite his joke pick of Mary Magadalen, one of the patrons against sexual temptation (for which he got a lecture from Sister Kimura and detention, but it was worth it), he actually had Raphael as a serious pick. Patron saint of healing, and he had a disease, didn't he?
"I'd like to think I've been a good Catholic," Akazawa continued. "Okay, so what if I've eaten meat on Fridays during Lent and skipped Mass a few times in Hawaii to go surfing...okay, a lot of times in Hawaii to go surfing." He fiddled with the small crucifix around his neck; the one he accepted during his confirmation and hadn't taken off since. "And I'm not exactly keeping completely pure or anything. All that guilt's been keepin' me a virgin, maybe you got that part right. Too bad that all I think about now is guys, even though I know it's wrong." It was in the Bible, after all, not to mention the countless lectures he had heard in class as he sat there and tried not to sweat lest the nuns could smell the gay out of him.
"But I keep praying and it's not going away." Akazawa couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice. No matter what he did, the urges were still there, and he couldn't come to grips with it. No matter how many times Atsushi reminded him that Jesus never condemned homosexuals, it was still there. "I-I mean, it's a choice, right?"
"..Right?"
The silence in the chapel was overwhelming, enough to be downright frightening. "Dammit, answer me!"
He hit his forehead on the edge of the pew in front of him with a soft thunk and clasped his hands in front of him, hurriedly whispering every prayer he could think of, looking for something to grab onto in the drowning silence.
"And if you can't heal me...at least, pray for me. "