marf
wow, so motherfucking bored that its retarded. will someone please come pick me up of the love of god!! i got absolutely no sleep at justins last night so, of course (*sarcasm*), im wide awake. makes perfect sense. thats not important, just come pick me up, bitches!!
anywho, getting kinda frustrated by the fact that i have to be all secretive on my livejournal. i really dont understand myself at all. i mean, on the one hand i want to have a livejournal so i can say whats going on with me and have my friends say what they think. but on the other hand, there i things i want to say here that i certainly dont want the whole world to know, but would like a few people to know. i am really conflicted by this, because i dont want to filter certain people out of certain entries. in my life, i have felt that if you have something to say either say it to everyone or shut the hell up. if i am too pansy to come clean about something i dont think i deserve the satisfaction of a few peoples advice anyway. meh, whatever...
on a similar thread, im also frustrated by the fact that i feel im being judged all the time. i mean, there are certain friends i cant tell things too because i feel that they will respect me less or see me differently. i have definitely experienced that before and it really sucks. i just want everyone to go on having an impression of me that they like, i cant stand it when people think less of me, thats the worst. this might be my fault, though. i mean, im assosiating with people that i obviously feel i cant be myself around, which sucks. and im allowing their oppinions of me to affect me negatively. MARG, i hate problems. why cant the world be butterflies and roses like it used to be?
i am starting to understand my brothers and sister more as i get older... they were really depressed in high school (some of them still are) and frankly it always used to piss me off. because i didnt understand. i didnt understand how david and i could be living such similar lives and i was always happy while somehow he was always pissed off and gloomy. part of me kind of resented him for it, because it seemed like he was never in a good mood when he had to be home. it always felt like "what makes me so fucking bad that you are only around me when forced to be, and when youre around youre always so pissed off! FUCK YOU." why didnt he want to be close to me? it upset me a lot for a while.
then i started to understand. i cant tell you when it hit me, but it did. like a ton of bricks. life can really fucking suck. it isnt all the sunshine and fucking roses that i used to think it was. all of a sudden everyone had problems. people who seemed happy were now depressed, some of my best friends were abused, neglected or ignored by the self centered pricks that call themselves their parents. my brother is depressed because, well, im not sure why. i havent ever asked, but maybe i should. my mom is depressed because she cant do anything anymore because of her hip. she cant dance, she cant run, she cant barely move around the house most of the time. and now shes fucking bitter as hell, who wouldnt be? and my dad is stressed out all the time because he hates his job and because my mom is depressed. and they both drink too much. and i cant fix the worlds problems anymore, because all of sudden problems are real. and im lost.
something is wrong with me. the only person ive ever talked to about it is jaimie. i dont know if i can explain but i feel like writing it down, so here goes. i am emotionally numb. i havent felt any emotion that isnt sadness or terror in so long that i cant really express it. i feel like a shell just wandering through life, because sometimes i will forget the sadness or the fear, but i wont be happy. ill just be there. i might be enjoying myself, but im not really feeling anything like i used to. im detatched somehow, it doesnt really make sense. i feel like im in a different life than i used to be in. the old one was happy, this one is numb. in my old life, whenever i was sad i would take a hot shower or a nap, and when i was done everything would be better, or at least in perspective. and in my new life ive tried these things, because its all i know how to do. and ive spent so many days taking hour long showers before going to bed at 8 or 9 hoping that ill wake up and everything will be alright again, like life used to be. but it never is, and all ive done wasted hot water and ignored my homework. i have mostly stopped doing my homework. ill do it in other classes, but i rarely spend time out of school on it anymore. the part of me that still does it 9even if its during other classes) only does so bc i was told i should care about it for years.because i dont have the energy to care. i dont give a rats ass about anything. when my friends tell me that they are depressed or abused, i dont feel anything. and its not because i dont love them and care for them with all of my heart, because i do. and all i want is to be able to save them. but i hardly have the energy to wake up every day, and somehow i no longer have the emotional capacity for feeling. im so numb i cant even feel for those i care about most. im just walking through life, going through the motions. living one day to the next not giving a shit about anything. and then i think back to how david was in highschool, and we are exactly the same. he never gave a shit either, and now i understand why. and im sorry for ever not understanding. my whole "past life" seems cheap now, and im questioning wether i was ever really happy or if ive been deluding myself for years. im scared that ill never be happy again, because i forget what it feels like. im looking for something to loose myself in; a boyfriend, a project, maybe a play. but i dont have a boyfriend, and i dont care about the play.
i have never written anything like this before for fear of becoming the one person i truly hate: the person who has no problems, but creates them and tells everyone about them in an angsty, emo bullshit way to grab attention. and thats why i pray to god that no one has bothered to read all of this. and yet, i dont want to make it private either. because something inside of me wants someone to come save me from this.
if you are still reading, congratulations. you have witnessed the only real thing i have put on my livejournal.