Undisclosed
Title: Undisclosed
Author: undying_desire
Pairing: GTOP Seunghyun/Jiyong
Rating: PG
Genre: one-shot, angst, fluff
Summary: Jiyong has a notebook filled with secrets.
________________________________________________
I ran my fingers tentatively over the leather bound journal. There were merely three pages of written word beyond this cover. It has been two and a half years since those sentences had been desperately scrawled onto the blank lines. Not a single eye has looked upon those words in two and a half years. Even I didn't have the courage to read them after I had finished.
How had I wound up gazing at the very same journal that haunted my dreams? I thought I had buried it. I thought I had buried those words deep in the earth where I would never think of them again.
The processes of moving out of the YG building had unearthed them. The feeling it gave me was much to the same effect as digging a skeleton from its grave.
I traced the edges of the pages. They were still crisp and white.
Do I bury this book once again? Lock it away somewhere in this dorm where no one will ever find it, not even I after years will remember what became of that chapter in my life.
Or...my fingers shook as I thumbed the edge of the cover. Or do I open it?
I will read the title just to be sure I actually wrote it at all. Perhaps I will read a sentence, a paragraph, or perhaps I will read three pages. After all, what can words do? Surely they can't pierce my heart.
Surely I won't find that after two and a half years these words still are mine.
Will I?
I open the cover and the words gaze back at me. Undisclosed Desires.
* * *
Undisclosed Desires
How mad I must be to desire you with such fierce passion. Only a mad man would gander upon every inch of flesh you exposed. Oh, and what a rare sight that peachy covering of yours has become. So mad I declare myself; mad for I gaze too long and mad for my fingers beg for my mind to command them to touch.
Terrifying want, why have you chosen him? Of all the beautiful goddesses, was not one enough to quench the thirst you have for frivolous nights? Why must you latch onto this unspeakable idea? Seunghyun, oh, Seunghyun. Why must you be temptation personified?
But I'm not that eloquent. You're not my Romeo and I'm not your Juliette.
I know this is crazy. My mind must have left me the moment I caught you. Your hand was entwined with Bom's and your lips were working slowly on hers.
It was that moment when I realized why I had insisted on a GD&TOP vol. 2. I wanted you to myself more. I enjoyed you presence. A bit too much perhaps. Because I closed the door slowly as neither of you had noticed me and as I closed that door my heart broke. It broke before I had even enough time to enjoy the swelling of love.
When had this happened? When had I fallen so deeply into you? My childhood rival, my bandmate, my friend. What had you done to stir my heart where no one else could?
Of course, I think I know the answer to that already. To you, I was rarely G-Dragon, which no girl could quite understand. To you, silence only filled by music was a great way to hang out. To you, I was only the leader on stage and no where else would you tolerate my demands. I was simply Jiyong to you and that attitude mesmerized me.
It certainly didn't help that you had a body I wished I had. I was so thin and it took months of work to even build a bit of muscle. You hardly worked out at all but it seemed at the simple wish of muscles your body obliged with a four pack. Somewhere down the line, me wanting your body type turned into me wanting your body. Wanting you.
I guess you're Bom's aren't you? She's the perfect woman for you, even I'll admit that. And me, I'm just a man.
I must have been so ignorant to have never realized what it would have been like to be gay. I always saw American shows with two guys dating or making out and I just couldn't fathom why anyone would want that.
Then as I paid attention, I guess I noticed it wasn't just America. Japan, Europe, even here there would be guys leaning against each other's shoulders. Guys a bit too drunk in clubs and they'd kiss.
I don't know why I'd been blind to it before but now I understand. You don't desire to be gay in most cases. It just happens that who you are attracted to is men. And turning off emotions is nearly impossible.
How hadn't I realized this before? But of course, I realize society has programmed me this way. We're socially conditioned to understand what is and isn't acceptable. In Korea, being gay is talked about so little and looked upon with so much scorn. It's hard to break away from that. So maybe I am Juliette longing for a Romeo I can never have because my parents wouldn't allow it.
But even then, her Romeo came.
I don't have a Romeo. He'll never know that my heart beats a little faster when I see him. He'll never know I stumble over words around him because I'm nervous. He'll never know that in those silent moments, with only music, I am imagining that we belong together.
It hurts to see you smile at her. It hurts even when I hear her name. I hurt. But I never show my hurt.
In time, maybe I will forget what I saw in you. In time maybe I'll forget what I discovered about myself.
I'm a product of society and these are feelings I will never disclose.
* * *
My whole body has gone into a tremor. I can no longer read the words. They have blurred beyond comprehension.
I hear my door click shut behind me and I turn on my heels in an instant. Of all people to be entering my room in this moment, Choi Seunghyun stood against the wall staring at me.
It took less than a second for me to realize the words I had just read were never locked away in this journal. The words were like weeds. If you ignore them, they'll continue to grow. Even if you think you've rid your garden of them, somehow they reappear. If you try and trap them, by the next spring they will have spread out of your cage.
These feelings were persistent weeds within my heart.
He looked at me curiously and I realize I'm crying. In all the years we have known each other, he may have seen me cry twice. Tears terrified him.
I turned back to the table and closed the notebook. I wiped the tears from my eyes as to not scare him anymore. Finally, I turned back to him but just the sight of my desire studying me had defiant tears filling my eyes again.
"I didn't know you'd be so upset over not being able to sleep with the maknae anymore," Seunghyun said quietly as he swirled a bit of wine in his glass.
I let out a puff of air, pouting a bit more than I needed to. My lip was trembling as I fought back my emotions. This was the last time I would see Seunghyun in person before I left. Perhaps the last time I would see him ever.
"This is the end of Big Bang, shouldn't you be a bit upset too?" I ask.
Seunghyun seemed lost in thought for a moment before he looked back up to meet my eyes.
"Yeah, I'll miss promoting with you," he said.
I felt like he was mocking me so I fired back. "Well, you can have Bom all to yourself in your future solo promotions," I said a bit angrier than I had intended to sound.
He furrowed his brows slightly as if he didn't quite understand. His dark eyes were still boring into mine as if he were trying to see behind my carefully built veil.
"Why Bom?" he asked.
"You two are practically made for each other," I said with a grimace. It pained me to admit that.
Seunghyun just shook his head. "She's not my type."
I gave a sort of disbelieving laugh. "I saw you two making out in the back rooms. I'm not a complete fool."
Now Seunghyun was looking at me like I was insane.
"You can't deny it, you were kissing her," I repeat.
"No, I don't deny it. But she was helping me," he took a long gulp of that dark red wine.
"Right. Helping your dick," I turned away again, ashamed that I was getting worked up over this kiss that I was never meant to witness.
"Jiyong," he said in that low voice that could send shivers down anyone's spine. "She was teaching me how to kiss."
"And what, it had to be Bom?" I yelled as I turned back around.
He looked shocked. "Do you like Bom?" he asked once he was sure I wasn't going to throw something in his direction.
That caught me off-guard. Of course I don't like Bom, I like you, I want to say. I stammered on my words before finally managing a,
"Not that way. But you can't just use her like that."
"She was helping me for the parody. When I was going to kiss you," he took another drink, his eyes still watching me from over the rim of the glass.
My jaw had hit the floor. I didn't want to remember that. It was nearly the fourth time I would have a chance to kiss him. This time it was a bit more than just a peck of lips.
"I had never made out with anyone. I wanted to get it right," he explained with a blush. "Bom agreed to help."
And god that practice session must have done him well. My head was spinning just from the memories of the kiss.
"You could have practiced with me," I heard myself saying before I registered exactly what I had just said.
Seunghyun shook his head. "I wanted it to be good by the time I got to you."
"Are you drunk?" I asked wide-eyed.
"Maybe," he chuckled. "But I know what I'm saying." I didn't believe that for a second.
"Why are you here Seunghyun?"
He didn't hesitate as he said, "I came to try and convince you not to go to America."
I looked at the boxes that were half packed around me. I've been planning this for two months now. I had to get out before I did something I would regret.
"It's a bit late for that," I reply.
"Oh," he said dejectedly. He always had a hard time with words when he wasn't writing. I could tell he was searching for something to say.
"Take care of CL for me," I say as a parting sentence hoping to spare Seunghyun.
But he didn't leave. He just watched me with words hanging from his lips but not quite reaching me yet. "Do you like her?"
"No, Seunghyun. They're like my sisters, you know that," I sigh.
"Jiyong?" he asks permission to say more and I can't fathom what has him so nervous. I can almost see the sheen of sweat gathering on his forehead.
"What, Seunghyunnie?" I hope the endearing name will calm him down.
He's playing with his half empty glass of wine. He runs a finger over the rim. His nervousness begins to seep into me.
"Hyung?" I remind him he's supposed to tell me something.
He takes in a deep breath and looks me straight in the eyes. I know this means it is something gravely important.
"I'm gay," he finally forces out. I know I must be staring at him like he has four heads. It's the least appropriate thing I could be doing right now, but I can't seem to do anything else. "Am I still like your brother?" he asks quietly, head down in shame.
Then, I'm walking towards him and taking a swig of his drink hoping to later justify my reasons for doing what I'm about do.
"This isn't even wine. It's black cherry juice," I voice my realization. And the realization that Seunghyun isn't drunk in the least bit. "How long?" I ask and he looks up not quite understanding. "How long have you known you liked guys?"
"Middle school," he answered looking away from me as I was now invading his personal space.
He looks even more guilty than before and I can hardly believe it. For two years I had been wallowing in my own discovery while not even considering talking to Seunghyun. Had I talked to him, my life may have taken a different direction from the one I was headed on now.
Suddenly, I had to try. If he wanted me as a friend, a brother, that was fine, but I couldn't leave for America knowing I had a fraction of a chance. Hell, now I couldn't leave without knowing how he would react to a confession of my own.
I silently curse not being drunk before I take Seunghyun's cheeks between my palms. I didn't wait for his reaction. I just brought my lips to his and slowly moved against his cherry flavored mouth. I was aware of how chapped my own lips were as I felt the softness of his.
Then it hardly mattered because he wasn't pushing me away. He was relaxing into the kiss. His body leaned more heavily against the door and his hands came up around my waist. His lips were moving with mine. Some kind of musical harmony was being built by us and it didn't just feel amazing, it felt right. With all the lapses in notes, with the rough cords, and with the slight hesitancy of his hands as they moved south, it still felt right. At the first touch of his tongue I pulled back.
I'm not sure who was currently more in shock, but I was the first to get over it.
"No," I said. Seunghyun again didn't understand. "No, you're not like a brother to me," I clarified. "I haven't been able to look at you that way in years."
He looks at me with teary eyes as if this was what he had been wanting to hear since he had first entered YG. Maybe his goal was never to become Korea's most well known idol rapper, maybe it was me all along.
"Good," he says with a dorky smile I have come to love, "because you've never been just a brother to me."
Then I'm burying my head into his chest to hide my own grin. I felt suddenly alive. Two years of a guilty conscious, two years of picking every word around him carefully, two years of a heavy heart, it was all lifted from my mind. Contrary to what you'd expect, I didn't feel as if I'd wasted those two years, I felt as if I had just gained them back.
"Ji, I don't want you to go to America," he quietly whispers into my ear.
I push away from him with a frown. I take a glance at all the empty shelves in my room and my full boxes.
"I'm going," I say happily because I have finally made up my mind.
Seunghyun looks shocked but, before he can say anything, I continue.
"You have two weeks to find room for these boxes in your villa. You have two weeks to plan the most amazing date for my return," and he's full of smiles as I continue. "Two weeks, Seunghyun. Two weeks and then maybe I'll think about calling you my boyfriend," that foreign word on my lips felt so good.
He nodded and moved away from the door towards me. He reached behind me and picked up my notebook before placing it carefully in the box.
"And I have a day to help my boyfriend pack," he says and sends my heart fluttering away.
I can't stop smiling and I'm not sure I want to even though my cheeks have begun to hurt.
I grab another notebook and open to a blank page. "GD&TOP vol. 3" I write at the top. He smiles down at the letters. "For after our military service. I'll let YG know. He'll be happy," I say.
Seunghyun rubs my blonde tipped hair lovingly before beginning to pack my things away.
I reach into the box beside me and remove the notebook of desires and he watches as I toss it into the trash. I place the new one inside instead.
That chapter of my life may not disappear along with the garbage, but I have a future to look forward to. Words from the past are only helpful if they can help you move forward. Dwelling on them for too long just causes pain in your heart.
My new chapter is ready to be written now and I know that I won't be writing this piece alone.
________________________________________________
A/N: I'm completely unsatisfied with this because it all happened too quick. Anyways, I'm still working on rewriting fics. This just came to mind randomly.
Author: undying_desire
Pairing: GTOP Seunghyun/Jiyong
Rating: PG
Genre: one-shot, angst, fluff
Summary: Jiyong has a notebook filled with secrets.
________________________________________________
I ran my fingers tentatively over the leather bound journal. There were merely three pages of written word beyond this cover. It has been two and a half years since those sentences had been desperately scrawled onto the blank lines. Not a single eye has looked upon those words in two and a half years. Even I didn't have the courage to read them after I had finished.
How had I wound up gazing at the very same journal that haunted my dreams? I thought I had buried it. I thought I had buried those words deep in the earth where I would never think of them again.
The processes of moving out of the YG building had unearthed them. The feeling it gave me was much to the same effect as digging a skeleton from its grave.
I traced the edges of the pages. They were still crisp and white.
Do I bury this book once again? Lock it away somewhere in this dorm where no one will ever find it, not even I after years will remember what became of that chapter in my life.
Or...my fingers shook as I thumbed the edge of the cover. Or do I open it?
I will read the title just to be sure I actually wrote it at all. Perhaps I will read a sentence, a paragraph, or perhaps I will read three pages. After all, what can words do? Surely they can't pierce my heart.
Surely I won't find that after two and a half years these words still are mine.
Will I?
I open the cover and the words gaze back at me. Undisclosed Desires.
* * *
Undisclosed Desires
How mad I must be to desire you with such fierce passion. Only a mad man would gander upon every inch of flesh you exposed. Oh, and what a rare sight that peachy covering of yours has become. So mad I declare myself; mad for I gaze too long and mad for my fingers beg for my mind to command them to touch.
Terrifying want, why have you chosen him? Of all the beautiful goddesses, was not one enough to quench the thirst you have for frivolous nights? Why must you latch onto this unspeakable idea? Seunghyun, oh, Seunghyun. Why must you be temptation personified?
But I'm not that eloquent. You're not my Romeo and I'm not your Juliette.
I know this is crazy. My mind must have left me the moment I caught you. Your hand was entwined with Bom's and your lips were working slowly on hers.
It was that moment when I realized why I had insisted on a GD&TOP vol. 2. I wanted you to myself more. I enjoyed you presence. A bit too much perhaps. Because I closed the door slowly as neither of you had noticed me and as I closed that door my heart broke. It broke before I had even enough time to enjoy the swelling of love.
When had this happened? When had I fallen so deeply into you? My childhood rival, my bandmate, my friend. What had you done to stir my heart where no one else could?
Of course, I think I know the answer to that already. To you, I was rarely G-Dragon, which no girl could quite understand. To you, silence only filled by music was a great way to hang out. To you, I was only the leader on stage and no where else would you tolerate my demands. I was simply Jiyong to you and that attitude mesmerized me.
It certainly didn't help that you had a body I wished I had. I was so thin and it took months of work to even build a bit of muscle. You hardly worked out at all but it seemed at the simple wish of muscles your body obliged with a four pack. Somewhere down the line, me wanting your body type turned into me wanting your body. Wanting you.
I guess you're Bom's aren't you? She's the perfect woman for you, even I'll admit that. And me, I'm just a man.
I must have been so ignorant to have never realized what it would have been like to be gay. I always saw American shows with two guys dating or making out and I just couldn't fathom why anyone would want that.
Then as I paid attention, I guess I noticed it wasn't just America. Japan, Europe, even here there would be guys leaning against each other's shoulders. Guys a bit too drunk in clubs and they'd kiss.
I don't know why I'd been blind to it before but now I understand. You don't desire to be gay in most cases. It just happens that who you are attracted to is men. And turning off emotions is nearly impossible.
How hadn't I realized this before? But of course, I realize society has programmed me this way. We're socially conditioned to understand what is and isn't acceptable. In Korea, being gay is talked about so little and looked upon with so much scorn. It's hard to break away from that. So maybe I am Juliette longing for a Romeo I can never have because my parents wouldn't allow it.
But even then, her Romeo came.
I don't have a Romeo. He'll never know that my heart beats a little faster when I see him. He'll never know I stumble over words around him because I'm nervous. He'll never know that in those silent moments, with only music, I am imagining that we belong together.
It hurts to see you smile at her. It hurts even when I hear her name. I hurt. But I never show my hurt.
In time, maybe I will forget what I saw in you. In time maybe I'll forget what I discovered about myself.
I'm a product of society and these are feelings I will never disclose.
* * *
My whole body has gone into a tremor. I can no longer read the words. They have blurred beyond comprehension.
I hear my door click shut behind me and I turn on my heels in an instant. Of all people to be entering my room in this moment, Choi Seunghyun stood against the wall staring at me.
It took less than a second for me to realize the words I had just read were never locked away in this journal. The words were like weeds. If you ignore them, they'll continue to grow. Even if you think you've rid your garden of them, somehow they reappear. If you try and trap them, by the next spring they will have spread out of your cage.
These feelings were persistent weeds within my heart.
He looked at me curiously and I realize I'm crying. In all the years we have known each other, he may have seen me cry twice. Tears terrified him.
I turned back to the table and closed the notebook. I wiped the tears from my eyes as to not scare him anymore. Finally, I turned back to him but just the sight of my desire studying me had defiant tears filling my eyes again.
"I didn't know you'd be so upset over not being able to sleep with the maknae anymore," Seunghyun said quietly as he swirled a bit of wine in his glass.
I let out a puff of air, pouting a bit more than I needed to. My lip was trembling as I fought back my emotions. This was the last time I would see Seunghyun in person before I left. Perhaps the last time I would see him ever.
"This is the end of Big Bang, shouldn't you be a bit upset too?" I ask.
Seunghyun seemed lost in thought for a moment before he looked back up to meet my eyes.
"Yeah, I'll miss promoting with you," he said.
I felt like he was mocking me so I fired back. "Well, you can have Bom all to yourself in your future solo promotions," I said a bit angrier than I had intended to sound.
He furrowed his brows slightly as if he didn't quite understand. His dark eyes were still boring into mine as if he were trying to see behind my carefully built veil.
"Why Bom?" he asked.
"You two are practically made for each other," I said with a grimace. It pained me to admit that.
Seunghyun just shook his head. "She's not my type."
I gave a sort of disbelieving laugh. "I saw you two making out in the back rooms. I'm not a complete fool."
Now Seunghyun was looking at me like I was insane.
"You can't deny it, you were kissing her," I repeat.
"No, I don't deny it. But she was helping me," he took a long gulp of that dark red wine.
"Right. Helping your dick," I turned away again, ashamed that I was getting worked up over this kiss that I was never meant to witness.
"Jiyong," he said in that low voice that could send shivers down anyone's spine. "She was teaching me how to kiss."
"And what, it had to be Bom?" I yelled as I turned back around.
He looked shocked. "Do you like Bom?" he asked once he was sure I wasn't going to throw something in his direction.
That caught me off-guard. Of course I don't like Bom, I like you, I want to say. I stammered on my words before finally managing a,
"Not that way. But you can't just use her like that."
"She was helping me for the parody. When I was going to kiss you," he took another drink, his eyes still watching me from over the rim of the glass.
My jaw had hit the floor. I didn't want to remember that. It was nearly the fourth time I would have a chance to kiss him. This time it was a bit more than just a peck of lips.
"I had never made out with anyone. I wanted to get it right," he explained with a blush. "Bom agreed to help."
And god that practice session must have done him well. My head was spinning just from the memories of the kiss.
"You could have practiced with me," I heard myself saying before I registered exactly what I had just said.
Seunghyun shook his head. "I wanted it to be good by the time I got to you."
"Are you drunk?" I asked wide-eyed.
"Maybe," he chuckled. "But I know what I'm saying." I didn't believe that for a second.
"Why are you here Seunghyun?"
He didn't hesitate as he said, "I came to try and convince you not to go to America."
I looked at the boxes that were half packed around me. I've been planning this for two months now. I had to get out before I did something I would regret.
"It's a bit late for that," I reply.
"Oh," he said dejectedly. He always had a hard time with words when he wasn't writing. I could tell he was searching for something to say.
"Take care of CL for me," I say as a parting sentence hoping to spare Seunghyun.
But he didn't leave. He just watched me with words hanging from his lips but not quite reaching me yet. "Do you like her?"
"No, Seunghyun. They're like my sisters, you know that," I sigh.
"Jiyong?" he asks permission to say more and I can't fathom what has him so nervous. I can almost see the sheen of sweat gathering on his forehead.
"What, Seunghyunnie?" I hope the endearing name will calm him down.
He's playing with his half empty glass of wine. He runs a finger over the rim. His nervousness begins to seep into me.
"Hyung?" I remind him he's supposed to tell me something.
He takes in a deep breath and looks me straight in the eyes. I know this means it is something gravely important.
"I'm gay," he finally forces out. I know I must be staring at him like he has four heads. It's the least appropriate thing I could be doing right now, but I can't seem to do anything else. "Am I still like your brother?" he asks quietly, head down in shame.
Then, I'm walking towards him and taking a swig of his drink hoping to later justify my reasons for doing what I'm about do.
"This isn't even wine. It's black cherry juice," I voice my realization. And the realization that Seunghyun isn't drunk in the least bit. "How long?" I ask and he looks up not quite understanding. "How long have you known you liked guys?"
"Middle school," he answered looking away from me as I was now invading his personal space.
He looks even more guilty than before and I can hardly believe it. For two years I had been wallowing in my own discovery while not even considering talking to Seunghyun. Had I talked to him, my life may have taken a different direction from the one I was headed on now.
Suddenly, I had to try. If he wanted me as a friend, a brother, that was fine, but I couldn't leave for America knowing I had a fraction of a chance. Hell, now I couldn't leave without knowing how he would react to a confession of my own.
I silently curse not being drunk before I take Seunghyun's cheeks between my palms. I didn't wait for his reaction. I just brought my lips to his and slowly moved against his cherry flavored mouth. I was aware of how chapped my own lips were as I felt the softness of his.
Then it hardly mattered because he wasn't pushing me away. He was relaxing into the kiss. His body leaned more heavily against the door and his hands came up around my waist. His lips were moving with mine. Some kind of musical harmony was being built by us and it didn't just feel amazing, it felt right. With all the lapses in notes, with the rough cords, and with the slight hesitancy of his hands as they moved south, it still felt right. At the first touch of his tongue I pulled back.
I'm not sure who was currently more in shock, but I was the first to get over it.
"No," I said. Seunghyun again didn't understand. "No, you're not like a brother to me," I clarified. "I haven't been able to look at you that way in years."
He looks at me with teary eyes as if this was what he had been wanting to hear since he had first entered YG. Maybe his goal was never to become Korea's most well known idol rapper, maybe it was me all along.
"Good," he says with a dorky smile I have come to love, "because you've never been just a brother to me."
Then I'm burying my head into his chest to hide my own grin. I felt suddenly alive. Two years of a guilty conscious, two years of picking every word around him carefully, two years of a heavy heart, it was all lifted from my mind. Contrary to what you'd expect, I didn't feel as if I'd wasted those two years, I felt as if I had just gained them back.
"Ji, I don't want you to go to America," he quietly whispers into my ear.
I push away from him with a frown. I take a glance at all the empty shelves in my room and my full boxes.
"I'm going," I say happily because I have finally made up my mind.
Seunghyun looks shocked but, before he can say anything, I continue.
"You have two weeks to find room for these boxes in your villa. You have two weeks to plan the most amazing date for my return," and he's full of smiles as I continue. "Two weeks, Seunghyun. Two weeks and then maybe I'll think about calling you my boyfriend," that foreign word on my lips felt so good.
He nodded and moved away from the door towards me. He reached behind me and picked up my notebook before placing it carefully in the box.
"And I have a day to help my boyfriend pack," he says and sends my heart fluttering away.
I can't stop smiling and I'm not sure I want to even though my cheeks have begun to hurt.
I grab another notebook and open to a blank page. "GD&TOP vol. 3" I write at the top. He smiles down at the letters. "For after our military service. I'll let YG know. He'll be happy," I say.
Seunghyun rubs my blonde tipped hair lovingly before beginning to pack my things away.
I reach into the box beside me and remove the notebook of desires and he watches as I toss it into the trash. I place the new one inside instead.
That chapter of my life may not disappear along with the garbage, but I have a future to look forward to. Words from the past are only helpful if they can help you move forward. Dwelling on them for too long just causes pain in your heart.
My new chapter is ready to be written now and I know that I won't be writing this piece alone.
________________________________________________
A/N: I'm completely unsatisfied with this because it all happened too quick. Anyways, I'm still working on rewriting fics. This just came to mind randomly.