Funny Business, IX
Funny Business, IX
Johnny Weir/Stephane Lambiel
PG, 965. ZebraSwan fluff. Sorry this took so long to write. Not the best either. *Sigh*
"So," Johnny says, whooshing past Stephane, circling on the ice rink, "Why do you like Zebras?"
"Because they're cute." Stephane looks up at Johnny from the bent position he's in, trying to lace up his skates.
"Why not horses? Or unicorns?"
Stephane shrugs in reply, standing, moving to step onto the ice.
"I like unicorns." Johnny continues absentmindedly, circling past Stephane again.
"Zebras are real."
"Who says unicorns are not real??" Johnny says, pretends he's a unicorn, hand against his forehead and finger sticking upwards. Stephane laughs.
"You should have a program with a unicorn in it."
"Nahhhhh," Johnny grins, helps Stephane up and the pair do circles around the ice rink together. "The costume would be horrible, and I can guarantee there would be jokes about phallic objects sticking out of my head."
Stephane snorts with laughter, shaking his head. "Maybe that's why I like Zebras. No phallic objects!"
"Haha, funny. Oh, and if you think that magical flying zebras with wings are real, you're delusional."
"When did I tell you about magical flying zebras?...Did you find that on YouTube? I don't recall telling you-"
"…Comeon, 10 laps, let's race and pretend we're Apollo Ohno." Johnny blatantly avoids the question, picking up speed. Stephane chases up to him.
"Apollo Ohno? He's American, right? Do you like him? Should I be worried?"
"...What?!" Johnny makes a choking sound. Stephane winks and gives Johnny a head start.
*
"I wish ice was soft enough to make snow angels in," Johnny says, kicking at it with the toe of his blade, as if to make a point.
"Then you can't skate on it," Stephane says practically, spins a bit to show off.
"But we could, I don't know, bobsleigh," Johnny sits down on the ice.
"We could. You'd look cute as one of those Christmas elves."
"God, the horrible outfit! You could wear the Santa suit, with that big tummy of yours," Johnny says, reaching to drag Stephane down onto the ice with him, and Stephane just pulls the beanie down over Johnny's eyes a bit more, making his ears stick up. Stephane kisses Johnny on the nose, and Johnny’s cheeks go pink.
“There,” Stephane says triumphantly, tapping Johnny’s nose. “You look like an elf.”
*
“Why are we eating on the floor?" Stephane asks, standing over Johnny, sitting on a rug with plates of food surrounding him. Johnny resembled a fairy among a crop of toadstools.
"We're having a picnic," Johnny says happily, clearing a spot for Stephane to sit, holding forward a plate of sandwiches.
“Aren't picnics supposed to be outside? In a park?"
"Yeah but like we could do that! We're pretending."
"Why are we pretending? It's just like sitting on the floor watching TV."
"But we're not watching TV..."
"Johnny, this is a bit stupid."
"You ruined the magic!" Johnny huffs, getting up and heading to his bedroom. "I'm going to get a sheet, and you're going to be nice, and we're going to pitch a tent in my living room, and we're going to pretend we're camping."
"Can we pretend we're Heath and Jake?"
"After we eat!!!!! I'm actually hungry! And then I'm Jake."
"Wooo, Brokeback!" Stephane laughs, taking a bite from his sandwich. "Johnny, is this fairy bread??"
*
"You know, Johnny, every time you go out and go shopping you come home with clothes more outrageous than the last."
"This coming from the person who wears full 18th century costume."
"I mean off-ice," Stephane tuts, placing the day’s shopping on the floor, kicking off his shoes. "I know you're all for androgony but that means you wear boy clothes as well as girl clothes."
"What exactly are you trying to say, Steph?" Johnny asks, and struts towards the Swiss. "I mean, don't you like this?" he asks again, pointing to his vest. "I could just, like, take it off-" it falls to the floor. Stephane steps back, unnerved. "You don't have to-"
"What, take it off?" Johnny peels off his shirt, pushes Stephane until he’s backed up against the wall.
"Poor Steph," laughs Johnny, kissing him hard on the lips. "It seems he doesn't like my pants either. Do you want me to take them off too, Steph? Would that make you happy?" Johnny grins, pushes away from Stephane, saunters with a slow swagger towards his bedroom.
The Swiss shakes his head, wondering how an innocent conversation suddenly turns into sex.
*
“So...why do you like Swans?”
"Well because they're kind of beautiful," Johnny states matter-of-factly, disappearing into his closet to pack away his new purchases, "and they can, like, fly everywhere. They can fly away and they can fly home. They're free, and I guess I kind of envy them."
"Wow," says Stephane, "I just like Zebras because they're funky and they're cute."
"Well, I think you're cute." Johnny smiles at Stephane, disappears into the wardrobe again.
"I think you're kind of beautiful."
"What...really?"
Stephane nods.
"Are you looking for more sex? Cos I'm tired..." Johnny says, scratching his head. Stephane laughs, shakes his head, kisses him softly.
"You can be startling sometimes, you know, Stephane. I mean, most of the time you're all bouncy and stuff but you can say stuff that knocks my socks off."
"...Your socks?"
"Nevermind." Johnny disappears into the closet again.
"I hear Evan Lysacek calls you a Swan."
"Yeah. I call him a Mongoose."
Stephane laughs aloud. "Why???"
Johnny is grinning now, too. He shrugs. "Don't know. Don't you think he looks like one???"
"No!! Wait, what am I? What did Ryan Gosling say in that movie? If I'm a bird, you're a bird!"
"Zebra. Isn't that obvious? And you need to stop borrowing my DVDs."
"But-"
"No more DVDs for you."
Stephane pouts. Johnny grins at him and ruffles his hair.
Johnny Weir/Stephane Lambiel
PG, 965. ZebraSwan fluff. Sorry this took so long to write. Not the best either. *Sigh*
"So," Johnny says, whooshing past Stephane, circling on the ice rink, "Why do you like Zebras?"
"Because they're cute." Stephane looks up at Johnny from the bent position he's in, trying to lace up his skates.
"Why not horses? Or unicorns?"
Stephane shrugs in reply, standing, moving to step onto the ice.
"I like unicorns." Johnny continues absentmindedly, circling past Stephane again.
"Zebras are real."
"Who says unicorns are not real??" Johnny says, pretends he's a unicorn, hand against his forehead and finger sticking upwards. Stephane laughs.
"You should have a program with a unicorn in it."
"Nahhhhh," Johnny grins, helps Stephane up and the pair do circles around the ice rink together. "The costume would be horrible, and I can guarantee there would be jokes about phallic objects sticking out of my head."
Stephane snorts with laughter, shaking his head. "Maybe that's why I like Zebras. No phallic objects!"
"Haha, funny. Oh, and if you think that magical flying zebras with wings are real, you're delusional."
"When did I tell you about magical flying zebras?...Did you find that on YouTube? I don't recall telling you-"
"…Comeon, 10 laps, let's race and pretend we're Apollo Ohno." Johnny blatantly avoids the question, picking up speed. Stephane chases up to him.
"Apollo Ohno? He's American, right? Do you like him? Should I be worried?"
"...What?!" Johnny makes a choking sound. Stephane winks and gives Johnny a head start.
*
"I wish ice was soft enough to make snow angels in," Johnny says, kicking at it with the toe of his blade, as if to make a point.
"Then you can't skate on it," Stephane says practically, spins a bit to show off.
"But we could, I don't know, bobsleigh," Johnny sits down on the ice.
"We could. You'd look cute as one of those Christmas elves."
"God, the horrible outfit! You could wear the Santa suit, with that big tummy of yours," Johnny says, reaching to drag Stephane down onto the ice with him, and Stephane just pulls the beanie down over Johnny's eyes a bit more, making his ears stick up. Stephane kisses Johnny on the nose, and Johnny’s cheeks go pink.
“There,” Stephane says triumphantly, tapping Johnny’s nose. “You look like an elf.”
*
“Why are we eating on the floor?" Stephane asks, standing over Johnny, sitting on a rug with plates of food surrounding him. Johnny resembled a fairy among a crop of toadstools.
"We're having a picnic," Johnny says happily, clearing a spot for Stephane to sit, holding forward a plate of sandwiches.
“Aren't picnics supposed to be outside? In a park?"
"Yeah but like we could do that! We're pretending."
"Why are we pretending? It's just like sitting on the floor watching TV."
"But we're not watching TV..."
"Johnny, this is a bit stupid."
"You ruined the magic!" Johnny huffs, getting up and heading to his bedroom. "I'm going to get a sheet, and you're going to be nice, and we're going to pitch a tent in my living room, and we're going to pretend we're camping."
"Can we pretend we're Heath and Jake?"
"After we eat!!!!! I'm actually hungry! And then I'm Jake."
"Wooo, Brokeback!" Stephane laughs, taking a bite from his sandwich. "Johnny, is this fairy bread??"
*
"You know, Johnny, every time you go out and go shopping you come home with clothes more outrageous than the last."
"This coming from the person who wears full 18th century costume."
"I mean off-ice," Stephane tuts, placing the day’s shopping on the floor, kicking off his shoes. "I know you're all for androgony but that means you wear boy clothes as well as girl clothes."
"What exactly are you trying to say, Steph?" Johnny asks, and struts towards the Swiss. "I mean, don't you like this?" he asks again, pointing to his vest. "I could just, like, take it off-" it falls to the floor. Stephane steps back, unnerved. "You don't have to-"
"What, take it off?" Johnny peels off his shirt, pushes Stephane until he’s backed up against the wall.
"Poor Steph," laughs Johnny, kissing him hard on the lips. "It seems he doesn't like my pants either. Do you want me to take them off too, Steph? Would that make you happy?" Johnny grins, pushes away from Stephane, saunters with a slow swagger towards his bedroom.
The Swiss shakes his head, wondering how an innocent conversation suddenly turns into sex.
*
“So...why do you like Swans?”
"Well because they're kind of beautiful," Johnny states matter-of-factly, disappearing into his closet to pack away his new purchases, "and they can, like, fly everywhere. They can fly away and they can fly home. They're free, and I guess I kind of envy them."
"Wow," says Stephane, "I just like Zebras because they're funky and they're cute."
"Well, I think you're cute." Johnny smiles at Stephane, disappears into the wardrobe again.
"I think you're kind of beautiful."
"What...really?"
Stephane nods.
"Are you looking for more sex? Cos I'm tired..." Johnny says, scratching his head. Stephane laughs, shakes his head, kisses him softly.
"You can be startling sometimes, you know, Stephane. I mean, most of the time you're all bouncy and stuff but you can say stuff that knocks my socks off."
"...Your socks?"
"Nevermind." Johnny disappears into the closet again.
"I hear Evan Lysacek calls you a Swan."
"Yeah. I call him a Mongoose."
Stephane laughs aloud. "Why???"
Johnny is grinning now, too. He shrugs. "Don't know. Don't you think he looks like one???"
"No!! Wait, what am I? What did Ryan Gosling say in that movie? If I'm a bird, you're a bird!"
"Zebra. Isn't that obvious? And you need to stop borrowing my DVDs."
"But-"
"No more DVDs for you."
Stephane pouts. Johnny grins at him and ruffles his hair.