foolish people 2 (2014 fix)
foolish people 2
kyuhae, broken!kyumin / r / 7200w
Sungmin is tormenting himself to the point other members are starting to worry. But they might be too late.
notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post for extended notes.
warnings: suicide attempt, self-harm, non-con
foolish people 2
He hears them whispering at night, Kyuhyun’s passive pleas for Donghae to stop and Donghae’s purrs of adoration and want. Then comes soft moans, and Sungmin sincerely wishes he was asleep, feeling an ache so heavy and fierce he can’t grasp it. He clutches his blanket and buries his face in his tear-stained pillow, wanting to scream but having no voice.
Time passes, seconds, minutes, hours, and eventually he loses track of time. He knows that it’s been ongoing for far too long though, when the sun peaks uncertainly through the curtains and he he hears the soft creaks of their youngest member Ryeowook waking up to prepare breakfast. A hurried kiss, and Donghae slips out of the bed and tiptoes to his own room. The bed groans, and Kyuhyun lets out a sigh followed by a lonesome whimper.
Sungmin grimaces, and he involuntarily lets out a moan as it churns inside him. His awareness of his action dawns upon him quickly, and he stills as if caught in front of headlights. He holds his breath, and the stillness in the room is anticipative as the one after an echo, waiting for what comes next. Sungmin feels dread rush through him, flinching when Kyuhyun’s frail voice breaks the silence.
Hyung, are… are you awake?
Kyuhyun shifts in his bed, an Sungmin clamps his mouth shut when he hears Kyuhyun positioning himself on the edge. As Kyuhyun’s form looms overhead, Sungmin pretends his body is a mere shell, and feigns soft snores. The longer he knows Kyuhyun is staring at him, because he knows he does, the harder it becomes to breathe.
Eventually Kyuhyun’s shadow disappears, and Sungmin feels like sinking together in relief.
Then he hears the first sob.
∞
Later that day, Kyuhyun and Donghae are both like zombies, eyes glued together by the lack of sleep and merely giving groans as replies to questions. They are scolded by several people throughout the day, their presentation of themselves being a huge disappointment to the company. First there’s the leader, Jungsu, who elaborates how much they look like crap, releasing the rhetorical question of who they think will get the blame for this. As Jungsu had foreseen, the managers were outraged, and let it out on Jungsu right after they were done scolding Kyuhyun and Donghae in turn.
Sungmin is clutching his head as he overhears another round of scolding, and he longs for a place where everything is silent, free of chaos sending splinters through his head. His hands are by each side of his skull as if preventing it from cracking open. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold in his moans of pain. Hyukjae notices his distress sometime during the scold-a-thon and asks him if he’s alright.
Sungmin looks up at his friend, the sight that meets him sending chills through his body. It’s like a glimmer in Hyukjae’s eyes, almost buried behind the curtain feigning his nonchalance, which tells him that he knows. Ultimately, more than he ever will. Sungmin stills, unsure of what to do. He lets his arms fall to his sides, and Hyukjae gives him a faint smile, clasping his shoulder and squeezing comfortingly.
Want to join me out for a walk? Hyukjae offers, although it’s not much an offer as it is an order. Either way, Sungmin sees no reason to decline and nods.
∞
Sungmin and Hyukjae passes many blocks to the sound of their shoes hitting asphalt and the wind shooing between the trees. It is chilly outside, and the sun is barely illuminating the roofs of the tall buildings. Sungmin regrets that he didn’t bring a scarf or a hat.
They walk next to each other, until Hyukjae suddenly halts next to the stairs leading down to the subway station. Slow to react, Sungmin continues a couple of steps until he realizes Hyukjae isn’t following anymore. He turns and sees Hyukjae standing stiffly, arms hanging awkwardly on his sides. His expression is solemn, eyes faraway and lower lip trembling from the cold.
If you could go anywhere you wanted, for as long as you wanted… Would you?
The question takes Sungmin by surprise and he’s static, mouth agape. Hyukjae’s eyes linger at the subway station, then at the sky. When he closes his eyes, Sungmin feels as though he has forgotten how to breathe.
A wind passes them, and Hyukjae opens his eyes, looking straight at Sungmin. He cracks a half-hearted grin, and Sungmin wants to reach out but Hyukjae is already beside him.
Let’s keep going, Hyukjae says, and brushes past a bewildered Sungmin.
∞
The nights are the worst. Then all the memories will reappear, and his head will ache with the past flashing before his eyes. Rushed kisses, hushed moans, soft giggles, warm hands… It’s all there, haunting him. At moments like these, he looks at the back of his roommate, currently engaged in an online chat, and he will fall asleep to the sound of typing. The concise typing is somewhat reassuring him that he’s not entirely alone.
When he wakes up during the night, his cheeks feel wet and sticky and Kyuhyun is banging his head against the desk, muttering profanities as the screen flashes ‘YOU LOST’.
∞
Have you ever considered moving out from the room?
Hyukjae pops out the question an afternoon after early dance practice, and it catches Sungmin by surprise. He looks up through his long fringe and pauses his cell phone game, grimacing at his friend.
Moving out?
Hyukjae shrugs. Yeah, why not? Think about it. I mean, it would probably be for the better.
Sungmin nibbles at his lower lip and honestly considers the option. Moving out from the room would be beneficial for the both of them in a sense. Yet, there is this nagging feeling within Sungmin that tells him it would be a bad idea. His thoughts wander to the previous night, and the hollow sob concealed by the night’s darkness. He could still hear it echoing in his head. Exposing that to anyone but him would be bad for Kyuhyun, wouldn’t it? Shouldn’t he protect Kyuhyun, after all that happened between them?
I could switch rooms with you, Hyukjae suddenly says. You could have my room. I don’t share with anyone, and I don’t really care.
Sungmin flinches, and he tries to swallow his guilt.
Hyukjae, I couldn’t possibly-!
He pauses, as Hyukjae merely smiles at him, as if he already knew how Sungmin would react. His smile makes Sungmin wonder why Hyukjae is so nice to people, even when no one seems to appreciate him. He wonders if anyone else has noticed. Ultimately he wonders why Hyukjae is doing this. What’s in it for him? Does he know what it’s like to be suffering? Because surely no one can be nice without any reason or without wanting anything in return.
Think about it Min, Hyukjae presses, index finger scratching at his washed jeans. You wouldn’t have to… hear them. Do you not want to escape that hell?
Sungmin starts, eyes dropping to his shoes. His cheeks redden, and Sungmin can’t fathom why he’s suddenly feeling so embarrassed. As Hyukjae shifts in his chair, Sungmin dries his forehead with his sweater-sleeve, trying to hide his flushed face.
Look, I just want things to work out. If that means me doing some extra efforts for you-for all of you-I’m more than happy to do it. What you’re doing now isn’t healthy. Sungmin, please, as your best friend I’m just asking one thing of you. One thing. Do what’s best for you. For once. God, Sungmin, why can’t you just…
Sungmin starts shaking, and he has to grip the armrests in order to steady himself. The stillness in the room starts to crumble upon him, and Sungmin knows he needs to get out. Everything is swirling around him, and his grip tighten. It’s just too much. Hyukjae knows too much.
Fumbling with the fabric of his t-shirt, he gazes up on Hyukjae, who already has seen what is coming. Hyukjae’s face gradually falls, and the sigh that escapes his lips are disappointed even before Sungmin’s words are uttered.
I’m sorry, Hyukjae. But I’ll stay.
∞
The porcelain of the bathtub feels cool against his bare skin. Although the water is barely reaching his ankles, the contrast in temperature is breathtaking. His skin is hissing pink at his feet, and he lets the water run until it reaches his knees. His heart pounds as he familiarizes himself with the warmth. Lowering himself in the water, he feels it engulfing him like a blanket of tranquil. The blood is throbbing in his veins, pressing under the surface. Sungmin grips the edge of the tub, knuckles pale and shuddering.
It's time.
When down in the water, he lets his arms rest on the sides and releases a long sigh. It’s like he can feel his body loosen up. Releasing a low moan, he closes his eyes and exhilarates in the feeling of drifting away. The water cradles him and it tickles. Sungmin smiles, though only faintly.
∞
The skin on his pale forearm looked so untouched that in the end he couldn’t do it. He puts his razor away in the cabinet over the sink, a sharp glint of light reflecting on the blade.
He walks into his room and cloaks himself in his and Kyuhyun’s blankets, sniffing in the scent of deception and wretchedness. For good measure he steals Hyukjae’s and Shindong’s blankets as well, making sure they don’t notice.
He falls asleep quickly, but when he wakes up it feels as if he has never slept in his life at all.
∞
We can’t do this anymore.
His words are harsh and echoing against the walls. Sungmin’s mouth runs dry. He can’t do anything but stare out in space, struggling with keeping himself up on his feet.
Sungmin, do you hear me? It’s over. We’re… We’re through.
He can’t think. He can’t breathe. His body has paused.
Say something. Please. I-
The wind brings droplets of rain that collides with the windows. A shudder runs through him, and it feels like his flesh is ripped open.
Please, don’t go mute on me. Damn it, Sungmin! Can't you see why I'm doing this?
Sungmin inhales sharply.
This isn't easy for me either. At least give me something! A nod?
“No”, Sungmin wants to scream. “You just took everything I have. What more could I possibly give you? My life?” But he says none of this. Instead he bites down on his lower lip. He forces a smile so that he won’t cry.
Leave, he whispers, faint like the droplets on his cheeks. Please just leave.
He’s grinning now, on the verge of laughing, and Kyuhyun is out in a heartbeat.
∞
Donghae sits opposite him during breakfast, slurping in the remains of his cereal. He wears a white beanie over his messy, dark hair, and under his eyes are sleepless bags and tired dark lines. Sungmin knows that he has been up late again, because Kyuhyun never came to bed.
He takes a sip of his coffee, eyes glued to Donghae’s relaxed form, his toned arms, his spread legs, and he wants to laugh because he doesn’t know what else to do anymore.
∞
My blanket went missing yesterday. You wouldn't know anything about that?
Shindong sits beside Sungmin in the van, a frown forming over his eyes. Sungmin takes out his earphones and shakes his head dismissively, eyes at his knees.
Who would steal blankets? That’s a stupid thing to do, Sungmin says simply and puts the earphones back in. With a sigh, Shindong puts his hand on top of his knee and squeezes. Sungmin winces, but lets Shindong rest his hand there for the entire trip, taking slight comfort in the warmth.
As soon as they arrive at the SM building, Sungmin feels sick. He excuses himself to the manager and Shindong-says it’s urgent-and sprints into the building heading for the bathroom. Once there, Sungmin makes sure no one else is in there before he collapses on the floor. He cries for what seems to be an hour, but is short of ten minutes before he collects himself. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. There’s too much wrong with him. Splashing cold water on his face, he shudders. Breathing heavily, he stills.
He looks like a mess. His hair sticks out in every possible direction, his eyes are crimson, his skin is sore. Sungmin drowns his face in the cold water again, smudging it over his skin. It’s soothing.
When he has deemed himself presentable, he joins the others. The rest of the day he feels like he’s constantly shaking on the inside, and longs to take a bath so he can breathe.
∞
Sadness comes as a dark, looming monster during the night. Sungmin steadies himself as the door creaks open and Donghae’s figure slips through the crack. There are whispering voices, the rustle of the blankets, and then soft moans.
Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and shifts to the side, pressing his ear against the pillow and the blanket against the other. He doesn’t have the decency to feel any self-pity, but he still feels nauseous. He wishes he was somewhere else, but can’t make himself regret his decision to stay.
When Donghae leaves before sunrise, Kyuhyun is crying again, and he keeps crying until Ryeowook knocks at the door to wake them up.
This night, Sungmin cries with him like a silent echo.
∞
His entire body is aching after a full day of shooting jacket photos for the album. As he lowers himself into the scalding hot water, he sighs in relief, wondering why he never started doing this earlier.
He looks at his forearm, flawless and pale as a new sheet of paper, and his stomach tingles. The razor glints as the lights reflects on it, and sweat and water merges on his forehead. He wants to laugh in anticipation, but holds his breath instead.
It has been a long time since he has fostered feelings like the exhilaration darting through him as the first droplet of blood mirrors in his eyes. A smile crosses his lips and he giggles, tracing it with his eyes as it mixes with the water on his skin and leaves a stain as it goes. He feels relieved and elated, drained from sadness and darkness. Enlightened. Lit up. On fire.
He lets the stain blend with the water and waits until it becomes cold before he rises up. He packs his things away swiftly, cleaning the blade with utmost diligence.
When he lies down that night, he’s too engrossed with tracing his scar with his index finger to even notice that Donghae entered and left.
∞
Sometimes I imagine what the future would look like. I see us there, side by side. Sometimes we’re holding hands, sometimes you’re grinning at me before kissing me. Sometimes we live peacefully together, away from everything. Just you and me. Wouldn’t that be something, Kyuhyun? A small-ish house with a tiny front garden, just enough for the two of us...
Kyuhyun flips through the newspaper without really looking at the articles, and nods his head absentmindedly, smiling at Sungmin.
Yeah, it would.
Sungmin approaches him and puts his hands around his waist from behind, nuzzling his face into his neck. Inhaling, he feels a rush through his body and wants to laugh just because he’s so happy. Kyuhyun pauses his flipping and cranes his neck to the side, just enough so that Sungmin can plant a kiss there. Sungmin does so happily, and the small moan of approval is more than thanks enough.
It’s been a while since we did anything, Sungmin whispers suggestively against Kyuhyun’s neck, hands lowering to play with the waistband of the younger man's boxers. Kyuhyun turns rigid, and Sungmin can almost feel the blush gracing his cheeks.
Y-Yes, it has, Kyuhyun stutters, voice strained as Sungmin puts his hand on his hardening cock. He hums into Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun puts his head backwards, resting it on top of Sungmin’s shoulder as he pants lowly.
Bed? Sungmin purrs, and Kyuhyun is on his feet and pulling Sungmin by the wrist faster than Sungmin can finish his inhale.
That night they have sex, hurried and desperate for release. However, when Kyuhyun comes and clamps his lips shut instead of whispering Sungmin’s name as he usually does… that’s when Sungmin starts to notice something’s wrong. That’s when he starts doubting.
∞
Sungmin has barely placed his plate of rice and fried eggs on the table when Hyukjae appears in the doorway, croaks a good morning and slumps down at the chair opposite him. Sungmin cheerfully offers to make him some tea, and Hyukjae all but grunts out a yes.
It’s silent as he eats, and halfway through his meal, Hyukjae has stopped sipping his tea. Suddenly self-conscious, Sungmin puts his arms under the table and stares at his friend questioningly. Hyukjae puts down his cup with a hollow clunk.
I hope that’s not what I think it is, Hyukjae says, expression distorted.
Sungmin shifts in his chair, blood rushing to his cheeks.
What do you mean?
Do you want to explain that to me?
Explain what?
Hyukjae’s palm slams against the table.
Don’t give me that bullshit, Sungmin. What’s that scar? You didn’t have that yesterday as far as I can tell.
A silence befalls Sungmin and he swallows. His eyes flickers from Hyukjae to his lap and back again. The air is suddenly too thick to inhale. Hyukjae’s eyes bore into him and Sungmin feels feverish, cheeks and ears ablaze. He looks to his side in the hope of miraculously dissipating in the air.
Really? I thought you knew better than that, Min. I… How could you-?
Hyukjae’s sentence is broke off by a sob, and he covers his mouth with his fist. Sungmin opens his mouth to speak. He doesn’t know what to tell him though, and keeps moving his lips dumbly without uttering a sound. He knows that Hyukjae cries easily, but this shocks him. He wants to apologize. Not because of what he has done, but because it has caused Hyukjae pain. Hyukjae was never supposed to be involved in this. As these thoughts cross him, Hyukjae has buried his face in his hands, and Sungmin is starting to feel squeamish.
Hyukjae… I’m sor-
No, Sungmin, he cuts off. Save your apologizes to when they actually mean anything. Let’s just say that whenever you’re going to the bathroom, I’ll go with you if I have the chance. That’s where you did it, right? That’s where… You have taken so many baths lately, you’ve got to have- oh god, Sungmin-
Hyukjae. It’s just one scar. It might go away soon.
His friend suddenly looks so weary and thin, face crestfallen and lips pointing downwards. His shoulders collapses, as if his shoulders can’t hold the weight anymore.
Might? Sungmin, that's not even remotely the point here! One scar is still one scar too many. I... I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You need to stop, Sungmin. Now. I won’t let you do this to yourself, too.
Sungmin freezes.
“Too”? What… What do you mean by that? Why are you saying “too”? Hyukjae? Hyukjae.
Sungmin fidgets on his chair, and he knows his heart is probably not meant for pounding as fast as it does. Hyukjae’s face turns pale, eyes watery.
Oh, Sungmin. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.
∞
He doesn’t remember when he stops crying, or if he ever stops at all. No one succeeds in calming him down either, because eventually people notice. Jungsu tries to speak sense into him, Hyukjae is heroically trying to calm down his own crying, Shindong is holding around him and rocking him back and forth like a baby, and Ryeowook tries to avert Sungmin's attention to something nice, but none of this helps. It’s all just like superficial drizzle on top of a complex painting, only adding to it to do no good. Sungmin's sadness is like a bottomless pit, the darkness going on forever, swallowing even the tiniest beam of light.
He hears that Kyuhyun has locked himself inside their room and that the rest of the members are plotting how to get him out. Sungmin closes his eyes and his ears and wishes that Kyuhyun could stay there forever.
When the day’s schedules are about to begin, their manager calls him and Kyuhyun in sick, and they are allowed to stay at the dorms to collect themselves, as all the members’ and manager’s attempts are in vain.
When everyone has left the dorm, the manager only leaving to get food, Sungmin wants to take a bath.
∞
Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.
∞
A scream. Shouting. Feet running. Someone is grabbing him-
There is a constant itch somewhere on his body but he doesn’t care. He doesn't care, and it's all just so numb, though so painful at the same time.
All around him there are sounds of feet and voices. It’s hurting so much. Why is everything so painful? Someone hauls him up from the water. It’s so cold, so incredibly cold. Why can’t they just put a blanket over him? He wants to sleep. Or maybe he is sleeping already? There is someone gripping really hard at his wrist. Someone ties something around the other.
Sungmin looks to his side, but sees nothing. He hurts, but suddenly he feels nothing. It’s so strange. He falls asleep. He falls
asleep.
Sirens. Sirens wailing from the distance suddenly come close, and someone has finally put a blanket over him. There is the prominent sound of crying in the background. Someone’s banging something against a wall. A door opens. Another shout. Echoes.
Lights. He’s placed on a bed and he drifts away again. Someone takes his hand. He thinks he sees Kyuhyun’s eyes but it could be a mere memory. He blacks out. He blacks
out.
∞
He opens his eyes and the light stings. He tries to move his body, but his limbs are like lead. Somewhere beside him he hears a whimpered prayer, before there are sounds of feet and new voices. Someone covers his mouth with something. He parts his lips. He parts his lips and he blacks out.
∞
With a rush of panic, Sungmin starts, eyes wide open. He closes his eyes again. He then opens them slowly, almost cautiously. Hushed voices are speculating, and Sungmin wants them to shut up because his head is pounding. He parts his lips to tell them, but stops when he hears his name mentioned.
-but Sungmin? I can’t believe he did it. I can’t believe I… we… almost… I just. Oh god.
Sobbing. There is another person in the room, who tells whoever is crying to get some rest too: ”You’ve been here for days”. Sungmin feels tired. His eyelids fall heavily over his eyes, and suddenly he’s asleep again.
∞
Sungmin doesn’t know how long he has lain in bed, or where he is for that matter, when he wakes up the next time. There are bright lights ahead, and white walls around him, and he suddenly feels apprehensive as he looks down at himself and sees tubes connected everywhere. He feels a suck in his stomach, like he’s falling from a great height. What’s going on? He closes his eyes briefly, and groans of the pain that engulfs him. The numbness is ebbing away, and it’s like the switch to his senses is suddenly set on full. He whimpers, feeling the burn on his wrists. A wave of sadness crashes upon him, and his eyes start to sting as tears form.
Something is lying heavily on his left arm, and he cracks open an eye to see that it’s a head. He runs a dry tongue over chapped lips and tries to clear his throat. He frowns. As he does an attempt on pulling his hand to himself, the head stirs, and suddenly he’s face to face with a set of dark eyes, and it feels like he’s staring right into coal.
Sungmin, you’re awake, Kyuhyun breathes, eyes growing wide, and Sungmin forgets how to breathe and he thinks he must be dreaming.
Does it… hurt anywhere?
Kyuhyun looks like he doesn’t know where to place himself or what to do with his arms, so he lets them lie awkwardly on his lap, only to cross them over his chest a second later. Sungmin lie still, watching Kyuhyun in bewilderment. He tilts his head to the side and frowns. He blinks. He blinks again.
I… Kyuhyun starts, voice cracking before he even starts the sentence. Sungmin feels his throat clogging up and his eyes burns.
I’m just so-
Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and whimpers. Does it hurt anywhere? Sungmin can’t seem to fathom where it would hurt. It hurts everywhere. His heart throbs and he listens as Kyuhyun stills, swallows, shifts in his seat. He opens his eyes, sees Kyuhyun still sitting there. Kyuhyun is watching him uncertainly until his eyes drop down to his lap, fists clenching.
I shouldn’t be here-
Sungmin closes his eyes again, breath shaky and forced. A door opens, and a dark male voice orders Kyuhyun to leave the room. The chair screeches as Kyuhyun rises, and the sound of his footsteps echoes. Sungmin opens his eyes again when there is a faint slam of the door, pretends it was his will that made Kyuhyun disappear. His eyes falls upon a white clothed man smiling down at him.
Hello, Sungmin, I’m Dr. Hwang, the man says with a smile. He then looks over his shoulder toward the door.
That’s one good friend you’ve got there. The first day they had to get him out by force, the doctor says and chuckles, and the dam in Sungmin’s eyes opens and his conjured facade leaks.
∞
Outside the leaves are slowly turning yellow, and the sun tries to warm where the chilly wind won’t. They are walking side by side, subtly brushing their hands against each other when they are certain people aren’t looking. Kyuhyun grins to him, and Sungmin smiles back, heart leaping.
They end up by the Han river, as they usually do, standing behind a fence as they gaze over the water. There aren’t many people there, but there are some. They’ll take the privacy they can get.
Sungmin, Kyuhyun starts, eyes distant as they follow the stream of the water.
Yes?
Never doubt that I love you. No matter what happens, I will. It’s when you start doubting that things will go wrong. You understand that?
Sungmin doesn’t say anything, but squeezes Kyuhyun’s hand quickly before taking a glance over his shoulder just to check if anyone saw.
OK, Sungmin says. Kyuhyun’s smile falters a bit, but the little smile that remains stays on his lips while he leans closer and whispers into his ear.
I love you, Sungmin. I always have, and I-
∞
Memories start to recur, unpleasant pictures making him shudder. He remembers watching the blood seep through the wound, and that there was so much of it. He had gone much deeper this time. The feeling of being emptied is more prominent than any other. It’s like with the blood, everything else just dissipated in the water. He remembers the water, crimson like the leaves outside. He remembers feeling cold, and a lot of noise.
Sungmin doesn’t know whether he wants to cry or laugh, but he’s so tired of crying and there’s no laughter inside him anymore so he does neither. His family and friends are visiting him in turn, and Sungmin has figured that there’s a limit of how much you can smile during a day. After a while he was only flashing his teeth.
The members visit him too, although he feels more reluctant to meet them. One by one, they deliver their lines, except Ryeowook, who merely strokes his hair out of his eyes and smiles gently at him. There are a lot of tears, and Sungmin patiently assures each one of them that he’s fine. Kyuhyun is nowhere to see anymore, and Sungmin is glad.
∞
A couple of days later and finally back in the dorms, Hyukjae is brushing his teeth while Sungmin is allowed to take a bath. He feels slightly uncomfortable with Hyukjae’s eyes on him as he lowers himself into the water, or rather self-conscious, but he knows Hyukjae made a promise to him. He knows why he’s there. Still it feels like he’s intruding on something very personal.
He stares longingly at his forearm, traces his scars with his eyes, and when Hyukjae leaves for a minute he cries tearlessly until Hyukjae reappears. Then he sniffles and stares down at the water until Hyukjae asks him when he’s getting up. Sungmin tells him he won’t go until the water is cold. Hyukjae then bids him goodnight, pauses in the doorway.
I trust you now, Sungmin. Please don’t convince me I made the wrong choice. I'm very glad you're back.
∞
He quickly learns that Kyuhyun hasn’t spoken since his visit at the hospital. Fortunately they are done with recording their new album, but people are starting to forget what Kyuhyun’s voice sounds like and it’s worrisome at the least. Nothing helps either. The managers have gone as far as tending to force and violence in a desperate attempt to have Kyuhyun speak, but Kyuhyun is suffering in silence, and they have to watch as the silent tears run down his cheeks after a round with the broom. Coming home to this is in one way beneficial for him, because Kyuhyun takes some of the unhealthy amounts of attention he’s receiving, which couldn’t have suited him better. However, it’s Kyuhyun, and Sungmin can’t just turn his back to him now. Even though regrettable things happened, things that never will be fixed, they are a part of the same team no matter what.
He sits down opposite of Kyuhyun, chair screeching under his weight in the tranquil that has befallen the room. Kyuhyun moves his head slowly to face him, and it’s merely for a flicker of a second that Sungmin catches the glimpse of a familiar rush in his eyes. His heart starts pounding, and he blinks, because he’s not sure if he’s only hallucinating again.
Wordlessly, Sungmin stares at him, as if he’s looking for anything. He tries to map out everything on Kyuhyun’s face, like the distance between his eyes, the way his eyebrows curve over his dark eyes, the straight nose, the faint acne scars, and the small, almost too small to notice, tilt of his lips that indicates a smile. He stops breathing.
He wonders how Kyuhyun moved on from their break up, or if there was anything at all to move on from. Memories starts replaying in his head, like the walk to the Han river, and the first time he felt guilty when making love to him, their first fight, and the first time Sungmin gathered the courage to stutter the first I love you. And the time Kyuhyun broke up with him.
I’m sorry if it’s my fault, Sungmin finally says, eyes dropping to the folded hands on his lap. And there are so many other things he wants to say, so many things he could’ve said. He doesn’t say anything else though. Instead he buries his face in his hands, biting his teeth together and fighting back the tears that stubbornly pour out of his eyes. He breathes heavily so his convulsing chest will calm down with the sobs, and he gathers his hair in his fists and grips so hard it stings to distract the pain inside. He rests his forehead against the wrappings around his wrists, and another wave of tears crushes through him.
Sungmin looks up, bloodshot eyes and snot seeping from his nose, and that’s when he sees it. It’s only there for a flicker of a second, but it’s there. He recognizes the look instantly, and he suddenly feels very stupid, very afraid, and very confused.
Kyuhyun, he figures, hasn’t moved on an inch.
∞
You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up and searching for Kyuhyun’s eyes.
Yes, used to. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs.
It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. And don’t cry; you’re ruining your make-up. Be a man.
Kyuhyun’s words are like stings to Sungmin’s chest, and it hurts so much. How can he be so cold? Why is he pushing away emotion? Why can’t he just-
I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin mumbles, putting his arms around himself. This has Kyuhyun halting in the process of leaving the dressing room.
That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, and his face is like a mask, concealing every possible emotion that might course through him. A mask he’s too used to wearing lately.
I don’t think so, Sungmin argues, his voice a mere whisper. I really do believe that. And he wants to. Oh, how much he wants to.
Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.
I guess I never did, then.
Kyuhyun slams the door shut, and Sungmin is left in the echo, feeling like he’s tipping over a waterfall, falling down without any chance to save himself. Falling, falling, falling…
∞
Some part of Sungmin always wanted to believe that Kyuhyun for somewhat reason never got over him completely, and that they would have an happy ending despite everything. That Sungmin would get him back. Another part of him tells him that Kyuhyun sincerely hates his guts, and that there is no hope whatsoever. That part of him tells him there is no reason to fight a break-up he never quite understood, to just let go. Ultimately, he wishes he had never loved Kyuhyun in the first place, and that he still doesn’t.
∞
Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. He is shaking, sweat on his forehead racing down his temples, and he dries his palms on his jeans repeatedly. The wind outside is whistling eerily, thundering against the walls and windows like an unleashed beast.
Kyuhyun is stirring his cup of hot chocolate, looking intently in it as if it was the most interesting substance he has seen. Sungmin leans forward, ready to speak, but finds his tongue heavy as stone and leans his back against the seat in retreat. He clears his throat, running his tongue over his chapped lips, ragged as a result of his teeth-abuse.
Kyuhyun, Sungmin finally manages to say, and in that instant his heart beats so fast it’s like it’s about to explode. He doesn’t manage to say anything more, but he has grabbed mentioned person’s attention. Kyuhyun looks at Sungmin without moving his head from looming over his hot chocolate, expression unreadable.
We-We need to talk, you know.
Do we? Kyuhyun says, looking down in his cup again. Sungmin sighs, trying to calm his raging heart.
Yes, we do. In fact, we must.
Kyuhyun releases a short chuckle.
Must is quite a strong word, he remarks and takes the spoon out from the cup, spoon slipping from his fingers. It falls to the floor, but he doesn’t reach down to get it. He just looks confusedly down at it.
Do you mind telling me why we must talk? Kyuhyun asks, eyes still on the spoon, and Sungmin swallows whatever anxiety clogging up his throat.
So... The other day, when I went to see you... I think I saw something, Sungmin says, looking down on his lap.
You saw nothing, Kyuhyun says, a tad too quickly and rushed, and he looks up guiltily at Sungmin. Sungmin meets his eyes, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep his cool.
Kyuhyun, he whispers, and Kyuhyun whispers yes? Sungmin is shaking again, and he’s starting to feel dizzy.
How… How did you move on from the break-up? Sungmin mumbles, his voice fading into nothing as he partially regrets asking it halfway through. He keeps his eyes at Kyuhyun this time, watches as he drops his eyes to the floor, posture turning rigid. Kyuhyun flinches, as if he was going to sit up but changed his mind mid-way.
Please, Sungmin pushes. I need to know. Because I saw something. When I was talking to you. I know that look.
It was nothing I say! Kyuhyun shouts and slams his hand on the table. It was absolutely nothing, you are just hallucinating or some shit, I don’t even fucking know, so just don’t-
Kyuhyun, how did you move on from the break-up?
Their eyes meet, and Sungmin purses his lips as if he’s about to receive a terrible blow. Kyuhyun smiles scarcely, a smile that comes and goes as quick as the wind outside.
I… Kyuhyun starts, eyes still trained on the floor and playing with his fingers. I just…
I saw something, Sungmin presses. I know that look. I’ve seen it before, a long time ago. Kyuhyun… Is there any chance that-
No. Sungmin, I… No. Don’t even go there.
Sungmin flinches and retreats in his seat, putting his arms around himself tightly and looking down to the side.
Sungmin, you just don’t understand, Kyuhyun then says. His words makes Sungmin want to cry all over again, and he groans in outrage.
Then help me understand! Sungmin lashes out, tired of not understanding, tired of being left behind. Frustrated tears form in the corners of his eyes, and he clenches his jaw, biting back anything else he could’ve said. Kyuhyun starts at Sungmin’s outburst, and he sinks together on his chair, closing his eyes before burying his face in his hands. They sit there in silence for a very long time.
I know, Sungmin then says, voice trembling. Kyuhyun arches an eyebrow.
Why won’t you tell me? This is so typical you, Kyuhyun. This is so goddamn typical you. Don’t I deserve more than that? After everything I’ve gone through because of you-
Kyuhyun jumps to his feet and shouts, As if you’re the only one who has suffered!
Sungmin stands as well.
So you have suffered as well? Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem that way, Sungmin snaps and crosses his hands over his chest, taking a deep breath to steady his voice.
As if you know anything about suffering? Sungmin says in a chuckle. What would you know about suffering?
Kyuhyun lets out a weird laugh and places his hands on his hips, shaking his head as if he can't believe what he's hearing.
You’re impossible, Sungmin whines. You’re so goddamn impossible. I don’t understand you. Just... give me a break. Give me a fucking break. Did you honestly think I didn’t hear you at night? That I didn't hear what you were doing, right beside me?
Kyuhyun freezes and looks down to the side as a flush spreads on his face.
You little piece of shit, Sungmin, Kyuhyun then says. The day we broke up, I… Jesus, why are you so-? Why do I have to-?
Sungmin is surprised by his own patience. He sits down silently and watches as Kyuhyun struggles with finding his words, and he chews on his lower lip in anticipation. Kyuhyun’s eyes meet his, and they remain there for a very long time.
You ask me how I got over you? Kyuhyun whispers, eyes still at Sungmin. Really? Really?
He pauses.
I never did. I’m not over you. I’m not fucking over you! I look at you and I see the man I loved, love, and it just hurts so fucking bad because I screwed it all up!
Silence befalls the room like a blanket dropped over it. Sungmin sits frozen in his seat, eyes wide.
E... Excuse me? Sungmin stutters, voice barely audible.
But, Kyuhyun continues, you started doubting. I told you, that day by the river… Do you remember that day? I told you to never doubt it. To never doubt us, no matter what. But then, your answer… It was like you already did. I thought… I thought that was the end. I was scared, and I was angry. Then Donghae came to me, and I started to doubt it myself.
My god, you don’t know how long I practiced the break-up. I stood for hours in front of the mirror, and the more times I said ‘It’s over’, the more I started hating myself for what I was about to do. But you doubted us, and so did I. I thought we were over already. I never foresaw what the break-up would do with us, though. With me, and most of all with you.
I’m… I’m so sorry. I did a huge mistake. But it’s too late now, I’ve done so much harm now and I don’t deserve you or anyone at all. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I wouldn’t have forgiven me. I don’t think I ever will.
Sungmin can only stare dumbfounded, finally having learnt the truth. The truth he’s been craving desperately ever since that day. Right there in front of him. All cards laid out. Yet he can’t help but feel disappointed. Disappointed and angry.
Without a word, Sungmin stands up and walks out of the room, never looking back to see if Kyuhyun follows. He storms into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, sinking together beside the bathtub. There’s a knock on the door, but it passes ignored. Sungmin lets the tears fall and turns the tap so the bathtub is filled with water.
He cries as the bathtub fills up, and outside the knocking turns more frequent and desperate. Sungmin undresses and lowers himself in the water, listening as Kyuhyun starts shouting behind the door. He puts his head underwater, and the water spills over the edge. He lets the tears blend in with the water, lets his entire being blend with the water.
Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.
extended note:
i kept going back to this story, and as i realized more and more mistakes and errors i just had to make a final and agonizingly thorough edit. so here are the fixed versions, and now on lj and not in downloadable pdf format like before. NB! i've made some big changes, both to dialogue and descriptions, so some scenes might give off a different feel now than before. i personally think it's better now.
the reason why i'm making this 2014 fix is because i am currently writing foolish people 3, and i wanted to release an updated version, both for new and for old readers of this story, so that you can follow fp3 with more ease. comments are appreciated ♡
kyuhae, broken!kyumin / r / 7200w
Sungmin is tormenting himself to the point other members are starting to worry. But they might be too late.
notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post for extended notes.
warnings: suicide attempt, self-harm, non-con
foolish people 2
He hears them whispering at night, Kyuhyun’s passive pleas for Donghae to stop and Donghae’s purrs of adoration and want. Then comes soft moans, and Sungmin sincerely wishes he was asleep, feeling an ache so heavy and fierce he can’t grasp it. He clutches his blanket and buries his face in his tear-stained pillow, wanting to scream but having no voice.
Time passes, seconds, minutes, hours, and eventually he loses track of time. He knows that it’s been ongoing for far too long though, when the sun peaks uncertainly through the curtains and he he hears the soft creaks of their youngest member Ryeowook waking up to prepare breakfast. A hurried kiss, and Donghae slips out of the bed and tiptoes to his own room. The bed groans, and Kyuhyun lets out a sigh followed by a lonesome whimper.
Sungmin grimaces, and he involuntarily lets out a moan as it churns inside him. His awareness of his action dawns upon him quickly, and he stills as if caught in front of headlights. He holds his breath, and the stillness in the room is anticipative as the one after an echo, waiting for what comes next. Sungmin feels dread rush through him, flinching when Kyuhyun’s frail voice breaks the silence.
Hyung, are… are you awake?
Kyuhyun shifts in his bed, an Sungmin clamps his mouth shut when he hears Kyuhyun positioning himself on the edge. As Kyuhyun’s form looms overhead, Sungmin pretends his body is a mere shell, and feigns soft snores. The longer he knows Kyuhyun is staring at him, because he knows he does, the harder it becomes to breathe.
Eventually Kyuhyun’s shadow disappears, and Sungmin feels like sinking together in relief.
Then he hears the first sob.
∞
Later that day, Kyuhyun and Donghae are both like zombies, eyes glued together by the lack of sleep and merely giving groans as replies to questions. They are scolded by several people throughout the day, their presentation of themselves being a huge disappointment to the company. First there’s the leader, Jungsu, who elaborates how much they look like crap, releasing the rhetorical question of who they think will get the blame for this. As Jungsu had foreseen, the managers were outraged, and let it out on Jungsu right after they were done scolding Kyuhyun and Donghae in turn.
Sungmin is clutching his head as he overhears another round of scolding, and he longs for a place where everything is silent, free of chaos sending splinters through his head. His hands are by each side of his skull as if preventing it from cracking open. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold in his moans of pain. Hyukjae notices his distress sometime during the scold-a-thon and asks him if he’s alright.
Sungmin looks up at his friend, the sight that meets him sending chills through his body. It’s like a glimmer in Hyukjae’s eyes, almost buried behind the curtain feigning his nonchalance, which tells him that he knows. Ultimately, more than he ever will. Sungmin stills, unsure of what to do. He lets his arms fall to his sides, and Hyukjae gives him a faint smile, clasping his shoulder and squeezing comfortingly.
Want to join me out for a walk? Hyukjae offers, although it’s not much an offer as it is an order. Either way, Sungmin sees no reason to decline and nods.
∞
Sungmin and Hyukjae passes many blocks to the sound of their shoes hitting asphalt and the wind shooing between the trees. It is chilly outside, and the sun is barely illuminating the roofs of the tall buildings. Sungmin regrets that he didn’t bring a scarf or a hat.
They walk next to each other, until Hyukjae suddenly halts next to the stairs leading down to the subway station. Slow to react, Sungmin continues a couple of steps until he realizes Hyukjae isn’t following anymore. He turns and sees Hyukjae standing stiffly, arms hanging awkwardly on his sides. His expression is solemn, eyes faraway and lower lip trembling from the cold.
If you could go anywhere you wanted, for as long as you wanted… Would you?
The question takes Sungmin by surprise and he’s static, mouth agape. Hyukjae’s eyes linger at the subway station, then at the sky. When he closes his eyes, Sungmin feels as though he has forgotten how to breathe.
A wind passes them, and Hyukjae opens his eyes, looking straight at Sungmin. He cracks a half-hearted grin, and Sungmin wants to reach out but Hyukjae is already beside him.
Let’s keep going, Hyukjae says, and brushes past a bewildered Sungmin.
∞
The nights are the worst. Then all the memories will reappear, and his head will ache with the past flashing before his eyes. Rushed kisses, hushed moans, soft giggles, warm hands… It’s all there, haunting him. At moments like these, he looks at the back of his roommate, currently engaged in an online chat, and he will fall asleep to the sound of typing. The concise typing is somewhat reassuring him that he’s not entirely alone.
When he wakes up during the night, his cheeks feel wet and sticky and Kyuhyun is banging his head against the desk, muttering profanities as the screen flashes ‘YOU LOST’.
∞
Have you ever considered moving out from the room?
Hyukjae pops out the question an afternoon after early dance practice, and it catches Sungmin by surprise. He looks up through his long fringe and pauses his cell phone game, grimacing at his friend.
Moving out?
Hyukjae shrugs. Yeah, why not? Think about it. I mean, it would probably be for the better.
Sungmin nibbles at his lower lip and honestly considers the option. Moving out from the room would be beneficial for the both of them in a sense. Yet, there is this nagging feeling within Sungmin that tells him it would be a bad idea. His thoughts wander to the previous night, and the hollow sob concealed by the night’s darkness. He could still hear it echoing in his head. Exposing that to anyone but him would be bad for Kyuhyun, wouldn’t it? Shouldn’t he protect Kyuhyun, after all that happened between them?
I could switch rooms with you, Hyukjae suddenly says. You could have my room. I don’t share with anyone, and I don’t really care.
Sungmin flinches, and he tries to swallow his guilt.
Hyukjae, I couldn’t possibly-!
He pauses, as Hyukjae merely smiles at him, as if he already knew how Sungmin would react. His smile makes Sungmin wonder why Hyukjae is so nice to people, even when no one seems to appreciate him. He wonders if anyone else has noticed. Ultimately he wonders why Hyukjae is doing this. What’s in it for him? Does he know what it’s like to be suffering? Because surely no one can be nice without any reason or without wanting anything in return.
Think about it Min, Hyukjae presses, index finger scratching at his washed jeans. You wouldn’t have to… hear them. Do you not want to escape that hell?
Sungmin starts, eyes dropping to his shoes. His cheeks redden, and Sungmin can’t fathom why he’s suddenly feeling so embarrassed. As Hyukjae shifts in his chair, Sungmin dries his forehead with his sweater-sleeve, trying to hide his flushed face.
Look, I just want things to work out. If that means me doing some extra efforts for you-for all of you-I’m more than happy to do it. What you’re doing now isn’t healthy. Sungmin, please, as your best friend I’m just asking one thing of you. One thing. Do what’s best for you. For once. God, Sungmin, why can’t you just…
Sungmin starts shaking, and he has to grip the armrests in order to steady himself. The stillness in the room starts to crumble upon him, and Sungmin knows he needs to get out. Everything is swirling around him, and his grip tighten. It’s just too much. Hyukjae knows too much.
Fumbling with the fabric of his t-shirt, he gazes up on Hyukjae, who already has seen what is coming. Hyukjae’s face gradually falls, and the sigh that escapes his lips are disappointed even before Sungmin’s words are uttered.
I’m sorry, Hyukjae. But I’ll stay.
∞
The porcelain of the bathtub feels cool against his bare skin. Although the water is barely reaching his ankles, the contrast in temperature is breathtaking. His skin is hissing pink at his feet, and he lets the water run until it reaches his knees. His heart pounds as he familiarizes himself with the warmth. Lowering himself in the water, he feels it engulfing him like a blanket of tranquil. The blood is throbbing in his veins, pressing under the surface. Sungmin grips the edge of the tub, knuckles pale and shuddering.
It's time.
When down in the water, he lets his arms rest on the sides and releases a long sigh. It’s like he can feel his body loosen up. Releasing a low moan, he closes his eyes and exhilarates in the feeling of drifting away. The water cradles him and it tickles. Sungmin smiles, though only faintly.
∞
The skin on his pale forearm looked so untouched that in the end he couldn’t do it. He puts his razor away in the cabinet over the sink, a sharp glint of light reflecting on the blade.
He walks into his room and cloaks himself in his and Kyuhyun’s blankets, sniffing in the scent of deception and wretchedness. For good measure he steals Hyukjae’s and Shindong’s blankets as well, making sure they don’t notice.
He falls asleep quickly, but when he wakes up it feels as if he has never slept in his life at all.
∞
We can’t do this anymore.
His words are harsh and echoing against the walls. Sungmin’s mouth runs dry. He can’t do anything but stare out in space, struggling with keeping himself up on his feet.
Sungmin, do you hear me? It’s over. We’re… We’re through.
He can’t think. He can’t breathe. His body has paused.
Say something. Please. I-
The wind brings droplets of rain that collides with the windows. A shudder runs through him, and it feels like his flesh is ripped open.
Please, don’t go mute on me. Damn it, Sungmin! Can't you see why I'm doing this?
Sungmin inhales sharply.
This isn't easy for me either. At least give me something! A nod?
“No”, Sungmin wants to scream. “You just took everything I have. What more could I possibly give you? My life?” But he says none of this. Instead he bites down on his lower lip. He forces a smile so that he won’t cry.
Leave, he whispers, faint like the droplets on his cheeks. Please just leave.
He’s grinning now, on the verge of laughing, and Kyuhyun is out in a heartbeat.
∞
Donghae sits opposite him during breakfast, slurping in the remains of his cereal. He wears a white beanie over his messy, dark hair, and under his eyes are sleepless bags and tired dark lines. Sungmin knows that he has been up late again, because Kyuhyun never came to bed.
He takes a sip of his coffee, eyes glued to Donghae’s relaxed form, his toned arms, his spread legs, and he wants to laugh because he doesn’t know what else to do anymore.
∞
My blanket went missing yesterday. You wouldn't know anything about that?
Shindong sits beside Sungmin in the van, a frown forming over his eyes. Sungmin takes out his earphones and shakes his head dismissively, eyes at his knees.
Who would steal blankets? That’s a stupid thing to do, Sungmin says simply and puts the earphones back in. With a sigh, Shindong puts his hand on top of his knee and squeezes. Sungmin winces, but lets Shindong rest his hand there for the entire trip, taking slight comfort in the warmth.
As soon as they arrive at the SM building, Sungmin feels sick. He excuses himself to the manager and Shindong-says it’s urgent-and sprints into the building heading for the bathroom. Once there, Sungmin makes sure no one else is in there before he collapses on the floor. He cries for what seems to be an hour, but is short of ten minutes before he collects himself. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. There’s too much wrong with him. Splashing cold water on his face, he shudders. Breathing heavily, he stills.
He looks like a mess. His hair sticks out in every possible direction, his eyes are crimson, his skin is sore. Sungmin drowns his face in the cold water again, smudging it over his skin. It’s soothing.
When he has deemed himself presentable, he joins the others. The rest of the day he feels like he’s constantly shaking on the inside, and longs to take a bath so he can breathe.
∞
Sadness comes as a dark, looming monster during the night. Sungmin steadies himself as the door creaks open and Donghae’s figure slips through the crack. There are whispering voices, the rustle of the blankets, and then soft moans.
Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and shifts to the side, pressing his ear against the pillow and the blanket against the other. He doesn’t have the decency to feel any self-pity, but he still feels nauseous. He wishes he was somewhere else, but can’t make himself regret his decision to stay.
When Donghae leaves before sunrise, Kyuhyun is crying again, and he keeps crying until Ryeowook knocks at the door to wake them up.
This night, Sungmin cries with him like a silent echo.
∞
His entire body is aching after a full day of shooting jacket photos for the album. As he lowers himself into the scalding hot water, he sighs in relief, wondering why he never started doing this earlier.
He looks at his forearm, flawless and pale as a new sheet of paper, and his stomach tingles. The razor glints as the lights reflects on it, and sweat and water merges on his forehead. He wants to laugh in anticipation, but holds his breath instead.
It has been a long time since he has fostered feelings like the exhilaration darting through him as the first droplet of blood mirrors in his eyes. A smile crosses his lips and he giggles, tracing it with his eyes as it mixes with the water on his skin and leaves a stain as it goes. He feels relieved and elated, drained from sadness and darkness. Enlightened. Lit up. On fire.
He lets the stain blend with the water and waits until it becomes cold before he rises up. He packs his things away swiftly, cleaning the blade with utmost diligence.
When he lies down that night, he’s too engrossed with tracing his scar with his index finger to even notice that Donghae entered and left.
∞
Sometimes I imagine what the future would look like. I see us there, side by side. Sometimes we’re holding hands, sometimes you’re grinning at me before kissing me. Sometimes we live peacefully together, away from everything. Just you and me. Wouldn’t that be something, Kyuhyun? A small-ish house with a tiny front garden, just enough for the two of us...
Kyuhyun flips through the newspaper without really looking at the articles, and nods his head absentmindedly, smiling at Sungmin.
Yeah, it would.
Sungmin approaches him and puts his hands around his waist from behind, nuzzling his face into his neck. Inhaling, he feels a rush through his body and wants to laugh just because he’s so happy. Kyuhyun pauses his flipping and cranes his neck to the side, just enough so that Sungmin can plant a kiss there. Sungmin does so happily, and the small moan of approval is more than thanks enough.
It’s been a while since we did anything, Sungmin whispers suggestively against Kyuhyun’s neck, hands lowering to play with the waistband of the younger man's boxers. Kyuhyun turns rigid, and Sungmin can almost feel the blush gracing his cheeks.
Y-Yes, it has, Kyuhyun stutters, voice strained as Sungmin puts his hand on his hardening cock. He hums into Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun puts his head backwards, resting it on top of Sungmin’s shoulder as he pants lowly.
Bed? Sungmin purrs, and Kyuhyun is on his feet and pulling Sungmin by the wrist faster than Sungmin can finish his inhale.
That night they have sex, hurried and desperate for release. However, when Kyuhyun comes and clamps his lips shut instead of whispering Sungmin’s name as he usually does… that’s when Sungmin starts to notice something’s wrong. That’s when he starts doubting.
∞
Sungmin has barely placed his plate of rice and fried eggs on the table when Hyukjae appears in the doorway, croaks a good morning and slumps down at the chair opposite him. Sungmin cheerfully offers to make him some tea, and Hyukjae all but grunts out a yes.
It’s silent as he eats, and halfway through his meal, Hyukjae has stopped sipping his tea. Suddenly self-conscious, Sungmin puts his arms under the table and stares at his friend questioningly. Hyukjae puts down his cup with a hollow clunk.
I hope that’s not what I think it is, Hyukjae says, expression distorted.
Sungmin shifts in his chair, blood rushing to his cheeks.
What do you mean?
Do you want to explain that to me?
Explain what?
Hyukjae’s palm slams against the table.
Don’t give me that bullshit, Sungmin. What’s that scar? You didn’t have that yesterday as far as I can tell.
A silence befalls Sungmin and he swallows. His eyes flickers from Hyukjae to his lap and back again. The air is suddenly too thick to inhale. Hyukjae’s eyes bore into him and Sungmin feels feverish, cheeks and ears ablaze. He looks to his side in the hope of miraculously dissipating in the air.
Really? I thought you knew better than that, Min. I… How could you-?
Hyukjae’s sentence is broke off by a sob, and he covers his mouth with his fist. Sungmin opens his mouth to speak. He doesn’t know what to tell him though, and keeps moving his lips dumbly without uttering a sound. He knows that Hyukjae cries easily, but this shocks him. He wants to apologize. Not because of what he has done, but because it has caused Hyukjae pain. Hyukjae was never supposed to be involved in this. As these thoughts cross him, Hyukjae has buried his face in his hands, and Sungmin is starting to feel squeamish.
Hyukjae… I’m sor-
No, Sungmin, he cuts off. Save your apologizes to when they actually mean anything. Let’s just say that whenever you’re going to the bathroom, I’ll go with you if I have the chance. That’s where you did it, right? That’s where… You have taken so many baths lately, you’ve got to have- oh god, Sungmin-
Hyukjae. It’s just one scar. It might go away soon.
His friend suddenly looks so weary and thin, face crestfallen and lips pointing downwards. His shoulders collapses, as if his shoulders can’t hold the weight anymore.
Might? Sungmin, that's not even remotely the point here! One scar is still one scar too many. I... I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You need to stop, Sungmin. Now. I won’t let you do this to yourself, too.
Sungmin freezes.
“Too”? What… What do you mean by that? Why are you saying “too”? Hyukjae? Hyukjae.
Sungmin fidgets on his chair, and he knows his heart is probably not meant for pounding as fast as it does. Hyukjae’s face turns pale, eyes watery.
Oh, Sungmin. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.
∞
He doesn’t remember when he stops crying, or if he ever stops at all. No one succeeds in calming him down either, because eventually people notice. Jungsu tries to speak sense into him, Hyukjae is heroically trying to calm down his own crying, Shindong is holding around him and rocking him back and forth like a baby, and Ryeowook tries to avert Sungmin's attention to something nice, but none of this helps. It’s all just like superficial drizzle on top of a complex painting, only adding to it to do no good. Sungmin's sadness is like a bottomless pit, the darkness going on forever, swallowing even the tiniest beam of light.
He hears that Kyuhyun has locked himself inside their room and that the rest of the members are plotting how to get him out. Sungmin closes his eyes and his ears and wishes that Kyuhyun could stay there forever.
When the day’s schedules are about to begin, their manager calls him and Kyuhyun in sick, and they are allowed to stay at the dorms to collect themselves, as all the members’ and manager’s attempts are in vain.
When everyone has left the dorm, the manager only leaving to get food, Sungmin wants to take a bath.
∞
Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.
∞
A scream. Shouting. Feet running. Someone is grabbing him-
There is a constant itch somewhere on his body but he doesn’t care. He doesn't care, and it's all just so numb, though so painful at the same time.
All around him there are sounds of feet and voices. It’s hurting so much. Why is everything so painful? Someone hauls him up from the water. It’s so cold, so incredibly cold. Why can’t they just put a blanket over him? He wants to sleep. Or maybe he is sleeping already? There is someone gripping really hard at his wrist. Someone ties something around the other.
Sungmin looks to his side, but sees nothing. He hurts, but suddenly he feels nothing. It’s so strange. He falls asleep. He falls
asleep.
Sirens. Sirens wailing from the distance suddenly come close, and someone has finally put a blanket over him. There is the prominent sound of crying in the background. Someone’s banging something against a wall. A door opens. Another shout. Echoes.
Lights. He’s placed on a bed and he drifts away again. Someone takes his hand. He thinks he sees Kyuhyun’s eyes but it could be a mere memory. He blacks out. He blacks
out.
∞
He opens his eyes and the light stings. He tries to move his body, but his limbs are like lead. Somewhere beside him he hears a whimpered prayer, before there are sounds of feet and new voices. Someone covers his mouth with something. He parts his lips. He parts his lips and he blacks out.
∞
With a rush of panic, Sungmin starts, eyes wide open. He closes his eyes again. He then opens them slowly, almost cautiously. Hushed voices are speculating, and Sungmin wants them to shut up because his head is pounding. He parts his lips to tell them, but stops when he hears his name mentioned.
-but Sungmin? I can’t believe he did it. I can’t believe I… we… almost… I just. Oh god.
Sobbing. There is another person in the room, who tells whoever is crying to get some rest too: ”You’ve been here for days”. Sungmin feels tired. His eyelids fall heavily over his eyes, and suddenly he’s asleep again.
∞
Sungmin doesn’t know how long he has lain in bed, or where he is for that matter, when he wakes up the next time. There are bright lights ahead, and white walls around him, and he suddenly feels apprehensive as he looks down at himself and sees tubes connected everywhere. He feels a suck in his stomach, like he’s falling from a great height. What’s going on? He closes his eyes briefly, and groans of the pain that engulfs him. The numbness is ebbing away, and it’s like the switch to his senses is suddenly set on full. He whimpers, feeling the burn on his wrists. A wave of sadness crashes upon him, and his eyes start to sting as tears form.
Something is lying heavily on his left arm, and he cracks open an eye to see that it’s a head. He runs a dry tongue over chapped lips and tries to clear his throat. He frowns. As he does an attempt on pulling his hand to himself, the head stirs, and suddenly he’s face to face with a set of dark eyes, and it feels like he’s staring right into coal.
Sungmin, you’re awake, Kyuhyun breathes, eyes growing wide, and Sungmin forgets how to breathe and he thinks he must be dreaming.
Does it… hurt anywhere?
Kyuhyun looks like he doesn’t know where to place himself or what to do with his arms, so he lets them lie awkwardly on his lap, only to cross them over his chest a second later. Sungmin lie still, watching Kyuhyun in bewilderment. He tilts his head to the side and frowns. He blinks. He blinks again.
I… Kyuhyun starts, voice cracking before he even starts the sentence. Sungmin feels his throat clogging up and his eyes burns.
I’m just so-
Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and whimpers. Does it hurt anywhere? Sungmin can’t seem to fathom where it would hurt. It hurts everywhere. His heart throbs and he listens as Kyuhyun stills, swallows, shifts in his seat. He opens his eyes, sees Kyuhyun still sitting there. Kyuhyun is watching him uncertainly until his eyes drop down to his lap, fists clenching.
I shouldn’t be here-
Sungmin closes his eyes again, breath shaky and forced. A door opens, and a dark male voice orders Kyuhyun to leave the room. The chair screeches as Kyuhyun rises, and the sound of his footsteps echoes. Sungmin opens his eyes again when there is a faint slam of the door, pretends it was his will that made Kyuhyun disappear. His eyes falls upon a white clothed man smiling down at him.
Hello, Sungmin, I’m Dr. Hwang, the man says with a smile. He then looks over his shoulder toward the door.
That’s one good friend you’ve got there. The first day they had to get him out by force, the doctor says and chuckles, and the dam in Sungmin’s eyes opens and his conjured facade leaks.
∞
Outside the leaves are slowly turning yellow, and the sun tries to warm where the chilly wind won’t. They are walking side by side, subtly brushing their hands against each other when they are certain people aren’t looking. Kyuhyun grins to him, and Sungmin smiles back, heart leaping.
They end up by the Han river, as they usually do, standing behind a fence as they gaze over the water. There aren’t many people there, but there are some. They’ll take the privacy they can get.
Sungmin, Kyuhyun starts, eyes distant as they follow the stream of the water.
Yes?
Never doubt that I love you. No matter what happens, I will. It’s when you start doubting that things will go wrong. You understand that?
Sungmin doesn’t say anything, but squeezes Kyuhyun’s hand quickly before taking a glance over his shoulder just to check if anyone saw.
OK, Sungmin says. Kyuhyun’s smile falters a bit, but the little smile that remains stays on his lips while he leans closer and whispers into his ear.
I love you, Sungmin. I always have, and I-
∞
Memories start to recur, unpleasant pictures making him shudder. He remembers watching the blood seep through the wound, and that there was so much of it. He had gone much deeper this time. The feeling of being emptied is more prominent than any other. It’s like with the blood, everything else just dissipated in the water. He remembers the water, crimson like the leaves outside. He remembers feeling cold, and a lot of noise.
Sungmin doesn’t know whether he wants to cry or laugh, but he’s so tired of crying and there’s no laughter inside him anymore so he does neither. His family and friends are visiting him in turn, and Sungmin has figured that there’s a limit of how much you can smile during a day. After a while he was only flashing his teeth.
The members visit him too, although he feels more reluctant to meet them. One by one, they deliver their lines, except Ryeowook, who merely strokes his hair out of his eyes and smiles gently at him. There are a lot of tears, and Sungmin patiently assures each one of them that he’s fine. Kyuhyun is nowhere to see anymore, and Sungmin is glad.
∞
A couple of days later and finally back in the dorms, Hyukjae is brushing his teeth while Sungmin is allowed to take a bath. He feels slightly uncomfortable with Hyukjae’s eyes on him as he lowers himself into the water, or rather self-conscious, but he knows Hyukjae made a promise to him. He knows why he’s there. Still it feels like he’s intruding on something very personal.
He stares longingly at his forearm, traces his scars with his eyes, and when Hyukjae leaves for a minute he cries tearlessly until Hyukjae reappears. Then he sniffles and stares down at the water until Hyukjae asks him when he’s getting up. Sungmin tells him he won’t go until the water is cold. Hyukjae then bids him goodnight, pauses in the doorway.
I trust you now, Sungmin. Please don’t convince me I made the wrong choice. I'm very glad you're back.
∞
He quickly learns that Kyuhyun hasn’t spoken since his visit at the hospital. Fortunately they are done with recording their new album, but people are starting to forget what Kyuhyun’s voice sounds like and it’s worrisome at the least. Nothing helps either. The managers have gone as far as tending to force and violence in a desperate attempt to have Kyuhyun speak, but Kyuhyun is suffering in silence, and they have to watch as the silent tears run down his cheeks after a round with the broom. Coming home to this is in one way beneficial for him, because Kyuhyun takes some of the unhealthy amounts of attention he’s receiving, which couldn’t have suited him better. However, it’s Kyuhyun, and Sungmin can’t just turn his back to him now. Even though regrettable things happened, things that never will be fixed, they are a part of the same team no matter what.
He sits down opposite of Kyuhyun, chair screeching under his weight in the tranquil that has befallen the room. Kyuhyun moves his head slowly to face him, and it’s merely for a flicker of a second that Sungmin catches the glimpse of a familiar rush in his eyes. His heart starts pounding, and he blinks, because he’s not sure if he’s only hallucinating again.
Wordlessly, Sungmin stares at him, as if he’s looking for anything. He tries to map out everything on Kyuhyun’s face, like the distance between his eyes, the way his eyebrows curve over his dark eyes, the straight nose, the faint acne scars, and the small, almost too small to notice, tilt of his lips that indicates a smile. He stops breathing.
He wonders how Kyuhyun moved on from their break up, or if there was anything at all to move on from. Memories starts replaying in his head, like the walk to the Han river, and the first time he felt guilty when making love to him, their first fight, and the first time Sungmin gathered the courage to stutter the first I love you. And the time Kyuhyun broke up with him.
I’m sorry if it’s my fault, Sungmin finally says, eyes dropping to the folded hands on his lap. And there are so many other things he wants to say, so many things he could’ve said. He doesn’t say anything else though. Instead he buries his face in his hands, biting his teeth together and fighting back the tears that stubbornly pour out of his eyes. He breathes heavily so his convulsing chest will calm down with the sobs, and he gathers his hair in his fists and grips so hard it stings to distract the pain inside. He rests his forehead against the wrappings around his wrists, and another wave of tears crushes through him.
Sungmin looks up, bloodshot eyes and snot seeping from his nose, and that’s when he sees it. It’s only there for a flicker of a second, but it’s there. He recognizes the look instantly, and he suddenly feels very stupid, very afraid, and very confused.
Kyuhyun, he figures, hasn’t moved on an inch.
∞
You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up and searching for Kyuhyun’s eyes.
Yes, used to. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs.
It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. And don’t cry; you’re ruining your make-up. Be a man.
Kyuhyun’s words are like stings to Sungmin’s chest, and it hurts so much. How can he be so cold? Why is he pushing away emotion? Why can’t he just-
I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin mumbles, putting his arms around himself. This has Kyuhyun halting in the process of leaving the dressing room.
That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, and his face is like a mask, concealing every possible emotion that might course through him. A mask he’s too used to wearing lately.
I don’t think so, Sungmin argues, his voice a mere whisper. I really do believe that. And he wants to. Oh, how much he wants to.
Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.
I guess I never did, then.
Kyuhyun slams the door shut, and Sungmin is left in the echo, feeling like he’s tipping over a waterfall, falling down without any chance to save himself. Falling, falling, falling…
∞
Some part of Sungmin always wanted to believe that Kyuhyun for somewhat reason never got over him completely, and that they would have an happy ending despite everything. That Sungmin would get him back. Another part of him tells him that Kyuhyun sincerely hates his guts, and that there is no hope whatsoever. That part of him tells him there is no reason to fight a break-up he never quite understood, to just let go. Ultimately, he wishes he had never loved Kyuhyun in the first place, and that he still doesn’t.
∞
Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. He is shaking, sweat on his forehead racing down his temples, and he dries his palms on his jeans repeatedly. The wind outside is whistling eerily, thundering against the walls and windows like an unleashed beast.
Kyuhyun is stirring his cup of hot chocolate, looking intently in it as if it was the most interesting substance he has seen. Sungmin leans forward, ready to speak, but finds his tongue heavy as stone and leans his back against the seat in retreat. He clears his throat, running his tongue over his chapped lips, ragged as a result of his teeth-abuse.
Kyuhyun, Sungmin finally manages to say, and in that instant his heart beats so fast it’s like it’s about to explode. He doesn’t manage to say anything more, but he has grabbed mentioned person’s attention. Kyuhyun looks at Sungmin without moving his head from looming over his hot chocolate, expression unreadable.
We-We need to talk, you know.
Do we? Kyuhyun says, looking down in his cup again. Sungmin sighs, trying to calm his raging heart.
Yes, we do. In fact, we must.
Kyuhyun releases a short chuckle.
Must is quite a strong word, he remarks and takes the spoon out from the cup, spoon slipping from his fingers. It falls to the floor, but he doesn’t reach down to get it. He just looks confusedly down at it.
Do you mind telling me why we must talk? Kyuhyun asks, eyes still on the spoon, and Sungmin swallows whatever anxiety clogging up his throat.
So... The other day, when I went to see you... I think I saw something, Sungmin says, looking down on his lap.
You saw nothing, Kyuhyun says, a tad too quickly and rushed, and he looks up guiltily at Sungmin. Sungmin meets his eyes, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep his cool.
Kyuhyun, he whispers, and Kyuhyun whispers yes? Sungmin is shaking again, and he’s starting to feel dizzy.
How… How did you move on from the break-up? Sungmin mumbles, his voice fading into nothing as he partially regrets asking it halfway through. He keeps his eyes at Kyuhyun this time, watches as he drops his eyes to the floor, posture turning rigid. Kyuhyun flinches, as if he was going to sit up but changed his mind mid-way.
Please, Sungmin pushes. I need to know. Because I saw something. When I was talking to you. I know that look.
It was nothing I say! Kyuhyun shouts and slams his hand on the table. It was absolutely nothing, you are just hallucinating or some shit, I don’t even fucking know, so just don’t-
Kyuhyun, how did you move on from the break-up?
Their eyes meet, and Sungmin purses his lips as if he’s about to receive a terrible blow. Kyuhyun smiles scarcely, a smile that comes and goes as quick as the wind outside.
I… Kyuhyun starts, eyes still trained on the floor and playing with his fingers. I just…
I saw something, Sungmin presses. I know that look. I’ve seen it before, a long time ago. Kyuhyun… Is there any chance that-
No. Sungmin, I… No. Don’t even go there.
Sungmin flinches and retreats in his seat, putting his arms around himself tightly and looking down to the side.
Sungmin, you just don’t understand, Kyuhyun then says. His words makes Sungmin want to cry all over again, and he groans in outrage.
Then help me understand! Sungmin lashes out, tired of not understanding, tired of being left behind. Frustrated tears form in the corners of his eyes, and he clenches his jaw, biting back anything else he could’ve said. Kyuhyun starts at Sungmin’s outburst, and he sinks together on his chair, closing his eyes before burying his face in his hands. They sit there in silence for a very long time.
I know, Sungmin then says, voice trembling. Kyuhyun arches an eyebrow.
Why won’t you tell me? This is so typical you, Kyuhyun. This is so goddamn typical you. Don’t I deserve more than that? After everything I’ve gone through because of you-
Kyuhyun jumps to his feet and shouts, As if you’re the only one who has suffered!
Sungmin stands as well.
So you have suffered as well? Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem that way, Sungmin snaps and crosses his hands over his chest, taking a deep breath to steady his voice.
As if you know anything about suffering? Sungmin says in a chuckle. What would you know about suffering?
Kyuhyun lets out a weird laugh and places his hands on his hips, shaking his head as if he can't believe what he's hearing.
You’re impossible, Sungmin whines. You’re so goddamn impossible. I don’t understand you. Just... give me a break. Give me a fucking break. Did you honestly think I didn’t hear you at night? That I didn't hear what you were doing, right beside me?
Kyuhyun freezes and looks down to the side as a flush spreads on his face.
You little piece of shit, Sungmin, Kyuhyun then says. The day we broke up, I… Jesus, why are you so-? Why do I have to-?
Sungmin is surprised by his own patience. He sits down silently and watches as Kyuhyun struggles with finding his words, and he chews on his lower lip in anticipation. Kyuhyun’s eyes meet his, and they remain there for a very long time.
You ask me how I got over you? Kyuhyun whispers, eyes still at Sungmin. Really? Really?
He pauses.
I never did. I’m not over you. I’m not fucking over you! I look at you and I see the man I loved, love, and it just hurts so fucking bad because I screwed it all up!
Silence befalls the room like a blanket dropped over it. Sungmin sits frozen in his seat, eyes wide.
E... Excuse me? Sungmin stutters, voice barely audible.
But, Kyuhyun continues, you started doubting. I told you, that day by the river… Do you remember that day? I told you to never doubt it. To never doubt us, no matter what. But then, your answer… It was like you already did. I thought… I thought that was the end. I was scared, and I was angry. Then Donghae came to me, and I started to doubt it myself.
My god, you don’t know how long I practiced the break-up. I stood for hours in front of the mirror, and the more times I said ‘It’s over’, the more I started hating myself for what I was about to do. But you doubted us, and so did I. I thought we were over already. I never foresaw what the break-up would do with us, though. With me, and most of all with you.
I’m… I’m so sorry. I did a huge mistake. But it’s too late now, I’ve done so much harm now and I don’t deserve you or anyone at all. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I wouldn’t have forgiven me. I don’t think I ever will.
Sungmin can only stare dumbfounded, finally having learnt the truth. The truth he’s been craving desperately ever since that day. Right there in front of him. All cards laid out. Yet he can’t help but feel disappointed. Disappointed and angry.
Without a word, Sungmin stands up and walks out of the room, never looking back to see if Kyuhyun follows. He storms into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, sinking together beside the bathtub. There’s a knock on the door, but it passes ignored. Sungmin lets the tears fall and turns the tap so the bathtub is filled with water.
He cries as the bathtub fills up, and outside the knocking turns more frequent and desperate. Sungmin undresses and lowers himself in the water, listening as Kyuhyun starts shouting behind the door. He puts his head underwater, and the water spills over the edge. He lets the tears blend in with the water, lets his entire being blend with the water.
Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.
extended note:
i kept going back to this story, and as i realized more and more mistakes and errors i just had to make a final and agonizingly thorough edit. so here are the fixed versions, and now on lj and not in downloadable pdf format like before. NB! i've made some big changes, both to dialogue and descriptions, so some scenes might give off a different feel now than before. i personally think it's better now.
the reason why i'm making this 2014 fix is because i am currently writing foolish people 3, and i wanted to release an updated version, both for new and for old readers of this story, so that you can follow fp3 with more ease. comments are appreciated ♡