This, my friends, needs a preamble. Or maybe a disclaimer of sorts. See, it came up in conversation that I can't write porn. And I really can't. I get, like, three paragraphs in and decide it's stupid and stop writing. So,
chibineko, brilliant girl that she is, told me to write crack porn...
and so we have this. Quite possibly the worst porn ever (except, of course, for the infamous Kuro/Fai italics porn)
The title is actually written in huge letters across the 7-11 on the Dundas route (speaking of which, anyone else notice that they renamed The Drink "Cowboys"? WTF is up with that?)
title: At Last... The Donuts of Your Dreams!
fandom: xxxHolic
pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki
words: 630
rating: I'm generally confused on the subtle differences between R and NC-17. I'ma go with R.
Watanuki was Doumeki's ideal in a partner. Not only was he smart, good-looking and athletic, but he as well-versed in the subject of spirits - something one didn't come across every day. It also didn't hurt that he would both top and bottom, tie his lover up and allow himself to be tied down, squirm and writhe in the most delicious ways and always make breakfast the morning after.
Doumeki knew he was lucky, but sometimes he had trouble remembering that because Watanuki had one terrible flaw: he was loud.
Now, this had been anticipated. Everything Watanuki did, he did with great energy. His reaction to mere instults was almost frightening - the boy was practically a force of nature. But that wasn't really the problem. After all, he had the vocal cords, why not use them? No, the real problem was the words that came out of his mouth.
Were it not for Doumeki's quiet nature, he undoubtedly would have cracked by now and asked where it was that Watanuki learned about sex. Because whoever or whatever was responsible had an urgent appointment with Doumeki's bow.
"Oh fuck yeah, baby, take it off. C'mon sexy, take off those pants. Lemme see what you've got hiding."
The commentary was unneccessary, but not the worst of it. For the most part, Doumeki could deal with that - many people liked their lovers to talk dirty to them, after all. Though, admittedly, the archer had never imagined that it'd be quite like this.
"Fuck yeah, c'mere. I'm gonna suck you so hard."
Doumeki liked getting head. Watanuki was quiet when his mouth was full of cock. But it never ended there.
"I want you to come inside me."
The first couple times Watanuki had said that, it'd had the desired effect. However, he'd used the line enough now. Overused it, even. In fact, at this point when he said it, Doumeki's first thought was 'coming in your mouth is coming inside you' instead of any kind of arousal.
"C'mon, Doumeki, that's enough!"
Watanuki hated being prepared, but would complain for days if he got hurt in the least.
"Hurry up already! Skewer me with your manstick!"
This part was the worst. He wasn't sure why Watanuki couldn't call it a penis. Or a cock. Hell, manhood or dick would've been preferable. But no, Doumeki had heard everything from pillar of light to hard bar of passion. It'd been called a manwand, his throbbing lust sword and the flashlight of happiness. In fact, Doumeki had compiled a mental list of all the things that Watanuki had called it. He was sure it'd come in handy someday. If nothing else, it was entertaining.
Once he'd entered the smaller boy, it was usually better. It was about this time that Watanuki lost coherence and was reduced to sharp gasps and breathy moans. Usually, this was Doumeki's favourite part.
Not today.
"Oh yeah, that's it. Harder! Hit the happy place! Hit the happy place!"
Doumeki had never imagined he'd use meditation during sex. His grandfather would never forgive him, but what else could he do? His hands were busy bracing Watanuki's hips, digging into sweat-slicked skin as he resisted the urge block his lover out by plugging his ears.
"Doumeki! Doumeki! DOUMEKI!!"
The name thing was cheesey, but not uncommon. He had it on good authority that a lot of girls did it. Whatever.
The time spent after orgasm was generally pleasant. Quiet time while Watanuki caught his breath and Doumeki could lie beside him and remind himself why it was he loved the bespectacled boy. When Watanuki stirred again, it was to glare at him, of course.
"Damn it, Doumeki, you got your juices of love all over me."
That night, Doumeki dreamt of ball gags.