(no subject)

[unity_of_will]

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Yes, it's a liquor ad. That's not the point.


Funny how something as inane as an ad for whiskey can bring up thoughts that had previously stayed in null. It's not the android, not exactly. I don't feel like a machine... not all the time, anyway. Less and less. Even if at one time I might as well have been. I was a carrier for them. The engine that fed on itself and powered them. My higher brain gave way under the sheer blind drive that only a machine is capable of. Autonomic blindness, subgoal stomp. And it was my fault, wasn't it...? Wasn't it? Or not?

No, perhaps not. I had taken precautions. It was the accident. It was unforseen, a fluke.

...God. Went on a tangent there. I have no idea where that came from, sorry. Just ignore it, huh?

The point was this:

"I can achieve immortality by not wearing out. You can achieve immortality, simply by doing one great thing."

That reminded me of where I am right now. One of those things that makes you question what you're doing with your life. I've done great things. I've created so much beauty, and so much horror, and lost... everything. Do I start again? Do I put that life aside and start a new one? What's left, you know?

All of it sounds eerily like what the arms say to me. Late at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep but they're still booting up their diagnostic routine so I can't, and they can't process any outside stimuli so they start waxing fucking philosophical on me. If only you could hear that no, feel that. Maybe you'd understand a little better, hm?

---

It's strange living with someone again. I've been alone for so long, or rather alone with AI for so long. Re-learning human interaction beyond violence.

I have to consider Wuya a roommate, that's what she essentially is. Still, I fear I'm being... cruel? A woman needs attention, interaction, someone to reaffirm her existence and reinforce her fundamental being, by saying "I acknowledge and care about what you do". Perhaps all humans need that to some extent. I haven't been spending time with her.

Wonder if she knows I'm not trying to ignore her. Hell, I was like this with Rosie. She retaliated by being a force of nature and forcing me to interact. That's what I need. I'm just... no. Not afraid. I'll just have to be close to her without being close to her. But Jesus Christ. It's hard.

I'm being more drawn to people, and I don't know why. It's pissing me off.

((Referring to the business with Wuya... continuity be damned!))