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I can't tell if this is fluff or angst or what ALL THE H/C WITH THESE TWO sob
Neither of them really wanted to ask the question. Because they each knew that the other had no better answer than the blank themselves. Really, Hajime had been hoping it could just keep going unasked. Maybe, maybe, if no one ever put the question into words, they wouldn't need the answer.
But Jack finally shifted against the cot, and spoke it, and dispelled that little hope.
"So what now?"
Though Hajime remained silent, the question hung in the hospital air, instantly turning the sterile atmosphere to something stagnant. The Ouendan stared at his clasped hands a long moment, before deciding he wouldn't find the answer there--he certainly hadn't while staring at them the last few days--and rubbed desperately at the bridge of his nose.
"Don't know. I just don't know, Jack. Sanji says we've got two years, so... time to figure it out, I guess." Not enough, of course. Time against the timeless.
"Yeah." Of course he knew that Jack didn't expect any more of him. But he could hear the disappointment in his friend's voice, and guilt panged, again. He should have something, anything, to answer with, to ease his friend, that's why the question had been asked--in that vain hope that his friend could provide the key. But there was nothing. Nothing.
And then silence fell again; now that the question had been asked, all they could want to think about was something else. But everything just stemmed back to that big, awful question.
Eventually, Jack spoke again. Again the one to brave the silence. "I still just can't believe it." That scratch of a laugh was in his throat as he spoke, looking up at the fluorescent lighting. "That he'd really go through with all that, all this, you know...?"
Hajime stared at the wall on the other side of his friend's bed, blank and white. He took a shaky breath. "Jack... I have to tell you something."
The redhead didn't need further prompting. Glancing over, he caught the expression, and sat up. Rather, sat up as best the wound would allow. Hajime's hands gripped one another, and he closed his eyes.
"Jack, I can't... I don't remember anything."
The genius stared. "Don't...?"
"Remember anything." He shook his head. "Nothing. The moment... he showed up. Everything after that, it's just... a haze. And--"
Jack's sudden growl interrupted, and Hajime realized his friend had tried sitting up further, mouth twisted into a snarl of frustration and pain. "He--he messed with your head again? How much can he--why would he--it's his weird brain stuff, that he does, we can fix it!" In the face of his friend's protective fury, Hajime only wilted. Shoulders slumping, he looked away, and shook his head. He could feel Jack's anger simmer down to worry at the pathetic sight of him. "Haj...?"
"It's all me," Hajime murmured. "Everything, I know it. All I can remember, Jack, is that..." His palms, pressed together, were sweating as he tried to hold back the trembling. "All I get is just the knowledge that I failed you, Jack. That great, overwhelming shame, that I..."
"Hajime. Hey. Look at me." But he couldn't. He could barely even bring himself to turn his body towards Jack, but the young genius persisted. "Hey, we already talked about that. The things that happened back there, they don't matter anymore."
"I know..." Though as soon as he mumbled the words, a violent tremble ran down him, and he shook his head. "No. I want to know that, but--every time, I try and go back there, to remember what it is I did, what I'm blocking out..." He gritted his teeth. "It hurts, Jack. It hurts too much even try and remember what I did."
His hands broke grip with one another, and wrapped around his arms, curling himself into a desperate hug to keep together. "I'm so weak, and selfish, Jack, so selfish to think I--to think whatever I went through was worse than--than your--I know it's important, and I shouldn't, but I'm so pathetic--"
"Haji--nngh--"
The grunt of pain ripped Hajime's attention back to the hospital bed: Jack had tried reaching out to him, only for the wound to make him double over. For an instant, all the Ouendan could do was gape--at his own carelessness, look what he'd done to his friend--before he was up beside Jack.
All this, always, and Jack was still looking out for him. Still trying to... just... be there. And since this one time, Jack couldn't make the effort, Hajime figured he would just swallow all his stupid, stupid pride and do it himself. He hugged his friend. "Sorry. I'm stupid. Doing that thing."
"Yeah," Jack muttered, a rasp in his voice of what might have been laughter, or probably just pain, and he hugged back. And again, Hajime didn't know what to say. What could he say, to make up for... everything...
"I said a second ago--" It was Jack, again, who braved the moment to speak. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to remember. Don't ever go back there, because, you know, none of it was real, anyway." The two of them pulled back, but not enough to break the embrace--just enough for Jack to look at Hajime, red eyes into gray ones. "Don't ever think about it again. All that's important is what's next."
The Ouendan trembled, not as much from despair this time. A broken laugh made its way out, and he nodded. "What's next, right." His smile was lopsided, wavering, but the relief was so pure. "God. I don't know where I'd be without you."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. I think I know the feeling."
I can't tell if this is fluff or angst or what ALL THE H/C WITH THESE TWO sob
Neither of them really wanted to ask the question. Because they each knew that the other had no better answer than the blank themselves. Really, Hajime had been hoping it could just keep going unasked. Maybe, maybe, if no one ever put the question into words, they wouldn't need the answer.
But Jack finally shifted against the cot, and spoke it, and dispelled that little hope.
"So what now?"
Though Hajime remained silent, the question hung in the hospital air, instantly turning the sterile atmosphere to something stagnant. The Ouendan stared at his clasped hands a long moment, before deciding he wouldn't find the answer there--he certainly hadn't while staring at them the last few days--and rubbed desperately at the bridge of his nose.
"Don't know. I just don't know, Jack. Sanji says we've got two years, so... time to figure it out, I guess." Not enough, of course. Time against the timeless.
"Yeah." Of course he knew that Jack didn't expect any more of him. But he could hear the disappointment in his friend's voice, and guilt panged, again. He should have something, anything, to answer with, to ease his friend, that's why the question had been asked--in that vain hope that his friend could provide the key. But there was nothing. Nothing.
And then silence fell again; now that the question had been asked, all they could want to think about was something else. But everything just stemmed back to that big, awful question.
Eventually, Jack spoke again. Again the one to brave the silence. "I still just can't believe it." That scratch of a laugh was in his throat as he spoke, looking up at the fluorescent lighting. "That he'd really go through with all that, all this, you know...?"
Hajime stared at the wall on the other side of his friend's bed, blank and white. He took a shaky breath. "Jack... I have to tell you something."
The redhead didn't need further prompting. Glancing over, he caught the expression, and sat up. Rather, sat up as best the wound would allow. Hajime's hands gripped one another, and he closed his eyes.
"Jack, I can't... I don't remember anything."
The genius stared. "Don't...?"
"Remember anything." He shook his head. "Nothing. The moment... he showed up. Everything after that, it's just... a haze. And--"
Jack's sudden growl interrupted, and Hajime realized his friend had tried sitting up further, mouth twisted into a snarl of frustration and pain. "He--he messed with your head again? How much can he--why would he--it's his weird brain stuff, that he does, we can fix it!" In the face of his friend's protective fury, Hajime only wilted. Shoulders slumping, he looked away, and shook his head. He could feel Jack's anger simmer down to worry at the pathetic sight of him. "Haj...?"
"It's all me," Hajime murmured. "Everything, I know it. All I can remember, Jack, is that..." His palms, pressed together, were sweating as he tried to hold back the trembling. "All I get is just the knowledge that I failed you, Jack. That great, overwhelming shame, that I..."
"Hajime. Hey. Look at me." But he couldn't. He could barely even bring himself to turn his body towards Jack, but the young genius persisted. "Hey, we already talked about that. The things that happened back there, they don't matter anymore."
"I know..." Though as soon as he mumbled the words, a violent tremble ran down him, and he shook his head. "No. I want to know that, but--every time, I try and go back there, to remember what it is I did, what I'm blocking out..." He gritted his teeth. "It hurts, Jack. It hurts too much even try and remember what I did."
His hands broke grip with one another, and wrapped around his arms, curling himself into a desperate hug to keep together. "I'm so weak, and selfish, Jack, so selfish to think I--to think whatever I went through was worse than--than your--I know it's important, and I shouldn't, but I'm so pathetic--"
"Haji--nngh--"
The grunt of pain ripped Hajime's attention back to the hospital bed: Jack had tried reaching out to him, only for the wound to make him double over. For an instant, all the Ouendan could do was gape--at his own carelessness, look what he'd done to his friend--before he was up beside Jack.
All this, always, and Jack was still looking out for him. Still trying to... just... be there. And since this one time, Jack couldn't make the effort, Hajime figured he would just swallow all his stupid, stupid pride and do it himself. He hugged his friend. "Sorry. I'm stupid. Doing that thing."
"Yeah," Jack muttered, a rasp in his voice of what might have been laughter, or probably just pain, and he hugged back. And again, Hajime didn't know what to say. What could he say, to make up for... everything...
"I said a second ago--" It was Jack, again, who braved the moment to speak. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to remember. Don't ever go back there, because, you know, none of it was real, anyway." The two of them pulled back, but not enough to break the embrace--just enough for Jack to look at Hajime, red eyes into gray ones. "Don't ever think about it again. All that's important is what's next."
The Ouendan trembled, not as much from despair this time. A broken laugh made its way out, and he nodded. "What's next, right." His smile was lopsided, wavering, but the relief was so pure. "God. I don't know where I'd be without you."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. I think I know the feeling."