(no subject)
I feel like listening to soft music underneath the sheets.
Two days in a row I've cried til my eyes
burned for the hours passing
But they really have been good days.
It makes me contemplate if maybe I'm affected by hormones more than I'd like to admit.
I know the feelings are always there, they just happened to distill and drip out my eyes and
Blow out my mouth this time, like a cry from the lips of a bottle hit just right by the wind.
I saw lucky clock digits tonight and caught myself too late to find that I had already wished my dad would be here with us for Christmas. Like how I used to wish each time I woke up during the first few weeks. My dreams blurred so much with reality during that time, I didn't really know what did and didn't occur. It's taken me a while since then to sort it out and I still am not too sure about everything. But what difference does it make what actually happened and what was reality to me?
I think I'm finally starting to get it. I think I'm finally starting to comprehend what I lost, when before I acknowledge nothing except that I lost my father. I didn't think about what that father was to me really. I didn't think how I lost my late-night food run companion, my partner in crime, my special person, my childhood hero, the person who radiated pride in me, and the person I wanted to call first when I had good news. He wasn't that same person to anyone else in my family. It's hard to explain the things I miss to Madison or Mom because each of us knew a different side of him. And I got off with the best side, it seems. Madison dealt with a lot more of the bad sides of my dad, and I feel guilty about that in a way, guilty that I'm so sad about this man who inflicted so much undeserved harshness onto her. How can I still mourn him like my hero when I know of his flaws?
I've always been able to separate people and their flaws, though. I can easily like one part of a person and ignore the other. I think that's how I'm not easily annoyed by a lot of people that others are annoyed by. And I don't remember hardly anything of his worse sides, because that was not who he was to me.
I think I'll miss him more this Christmas than last. I didn't feel last Christmas. And now it feels a bit unfair to be feeling this way when everyone else in my family has passed this part.
I'm feeling unsure about going back to school in the spring. I want so badly to complete all the courses I want to, and I don't want to get behind, but I don't think I can do another semester like last semester. Even the thought of driving down there makes me sick right now. I don't want to have another semester of being faced with knowing what I am capable of under normal conditions and knowing that there is no way I can do my best work where I'm at now. I just haven't been able to decide if withdrawing for a semester would be a good idea or if it's just what I want to do (and therefore, a cop-out). I hate the idea of having to give up. I don't know what the alternative would be here at home though. I would have to find something to do with my time, and at this point, a job is going to give me nothing but money. And that just seems like a waste if it's not doing anything for my future.
I thought I had finally decided on a good plan (and one that my doctor treating me for this Dysautonomia suggested), which was taking a lighter load of courses. But now, just as I had feared, once I'm back home, even that seems insurmountable. I just don't want to waste a semester of my life. But I'm starting to wonder if it may be necessary. Somehow, I have no clue how, I got 3 A's and a B this semester. But I struggled the entire way. And the struggle's what I don't think I can do again right now.
It just seems like I'm work intolerant right now. Like I'm incapable of doing anything I don't want to do. My mom described a similar feeling after Dad died, but I think it's just hitting me now. And hitting especially hard because it's winter, and I always struggle with winter, and the last time we were all together was for the holidays. He died January 9th.
I think I'm just needing to get this all out somewhere, and that's why I have this journal. It pretty much shows the messier side of my life, that I just need to vent out sometimes. Because all in all, I've been feeling pretty darn good lately overall. It's just there's a lot to deal with around now, in the in-between times.
I just want to keep growing as a person, and to finally deal with this death, and I need to be able to figure out the best decisions to keep that happening. Another bonus would be getting my body back to its normal functioning. I wish I could play sports or do anything like I used to. It all just takes time, I guess. And a lot of patience and effort that I don't know if i have right now.
Two days in a row I've cried til my eyes
burned for the hours passing
But they really have been good days.
It makes me contemplate if maybe I'm affected by hormones more than I'd like to admit.
I know the feelings are always there, they just happened to distill and drip out my eyes and
Blow out my mouth this time, like a cry from the lips of a bottle hit just right by the wind.
I saw lucky clock digits tonight and caught myself too late to find that I had already wished my dad would be here with us for Christmas. Like how I used to wish each time I woke up during the first few weeks. My dreams blurred so much with reality during that time, I didn't really know what did and didn't occur. It's taken me a while since then to sort it out and I still am not too sure about everything. But what difference does it make what actually happened and what was reality to me?
I think I'm finally starting to get it. I think I'm finally starting to comprehend what I lost, when before I acknowledge nothing except that I lost my father. I didn't think about what that father was to me really. I didn't think how I lost my late-night food run companion, my partner in crime, my special person, my childhood hero, the person who radiated pride in me, and the person I wanted to call first when I had good news. He wasn't that same person to anyone else in my family. It's hard to explain the things I miss to Madison or Mom because each of us knew a different side of him. And I got off with the best side, it seems. Madison dealt with a lot more of the bad sides of my dad, and I feel guilty about that in a way, guilty that I'm so sad about this man who inflicted so much undeserved harshness onto her. How can I still mourn him like my hero when I know of his flaws?
I've always been able to separate people and their flaws, though. I can easily like one part of a person and ignore the other. I think that's how I'm not easily annoyed by a lot of people that others are annoyed by. And I don't remember hardly anything of his worse sides, because that was not who he was to me.
I think I'll miss him more this Christmas than last. I didn't feel last Christmas. And now it feels a bit unfair to be feeling this way when everyone else in my family has passed this part.
I'm feeling unsure about going back to school in the spring. I want so badly to complete all the courses I want to, and I don't want to get behind, but I don't think I can do another semester like last semester. Even the thought of driving down there makes me sick right now. I don't want to have another semester of being faced with knowing what I am capable of under normal conditions and knowing that there is no way I can do my best work where I'm at now. I just haven't been able to decide if withdrawing for a semester would be a good idea or if it's just what I want to do (and therefore, a cop-out). I hate the idea of having to give up. I don't know what the alternative would be here at home though. I would have to find something to do with my time, and at this point, a job is going to give me nothing but money. And that just seems like a waste if it's not doing anything for my future.
I thought I had finally decided on a good plan (and one that my doctor treating me for this Dysautonomia suggested), which was taking a lighter load of courses. But now, just as I had feared, once I'm back home, even that seems insurmountable. I just don't want to waste a semester of my life. But I'm starting to wonder if it may be necessary. Somehow, I have no clue how, I got 3 A's and a B this semester. But I struggled the entire way. And the struggle's what I don't think I can do again right now.
It just seems like I'm work intolerant right now. Like I'm incapable of doing anything I don't want to do. My mom described a similar feeling after Dad died, but I think it's just hitting me now. And hitting especially hard because it's winter, and I always struggle with winter, and the last time we were all together was for the holidays. He died January 9th.
I think I'm just needing to get this all out somewhere, and that's why I have this journal. It pretty much shows the messier side of my life, that I just need to vent out sometimes. Because all in all, I've been feeling pretty darn good lately overall. It's just there's a lot to deal with around now, in the in-between times.
I just want to keep growing as a person, and to finally deal with this death, and I need to be able to figure out the best decisions to keep that happening. Another bonus would be getting my body back to its normal functioning. I wish I could play sports or do anything like I used to. It all just takes time, I guess. And a lot of patience and effort that I don't know if i have right now.