he ain't hard to like at all
I'm tired of waking up not knowing how I'm going to feel. There was always a sense of at least some sort of stability in the past. Perhaps something good would happen that day or something would make me mad or I would be disappointed, but regardless of the events of that day, I would still be me and know that the next day to come, I would go through everything and remain pretty unchanged. And I had that inner happiness and humor about everything I was going through, and it never really effected me.
But now it seems like these things have effected me so much that I'm not even myself. Not to mention the fact that in addition to feeling emotionally not myself, my body hasn't been my own for almost 7 months. And I haven't had an explanation for it until now.
It feels good to finally know that it's not just some mental problem gone awry. Even if it's not something I would have control over, for some reason, having a physical illness seems much more acceptable than a mental one manifesting itself as physical. With mental things, it almost seems like you're to blame for it, or there's something inherently wrong with you. Everyone understands physical - there's no blame. A lot fewer people understand mental.
I think today and yesterday were the first days in a while where I've felt the clouds parting just a bit so I have a glimpse of the usual me. Which is strange because I'm so devastated from the news about soccer. But I think knowing that maybe I will start to physically feel better seems to change everything. It seems things may be surmountable again. It seems that maybe I am Morgan, who is strong enough to get through anything.
I never thought I'd be so happy about being told I'm sick.
It feels good to write again. I always forget.
I don't know how I feel happy right now. Things are kind of shit to be honest, but I think this diagnosis news would make the normal me manically estatic, so maybe this little happiness is just that, but muffled by the clouds. It feels so good to feel somewhere near normal. I don't know how I even manage to interact with people this way. It feels like my heart's so heavy, no matter what happiness I encounter, I can't manage to lift it into the sky to fly like it used to. It just kind of hovers; maybe a little higher, but never breaking into the atmosphere. I guess I had momentarily forgotten that I haven't always felt this way. That I'm a really happy person. That I've always laughed the loudest. That I've always been the one who felt so happy that I knew I might explode if I didn't laugh or hug or jump it out.
I know a lot of people never seem to feel as happy and light-hearted as I know I can be. And maybe that's normal for them, but I miss that ecstasy. That ability to know that no matter what I encountered, I would still have that.
You know, there's something extremely liberating about shaving your head. It's just like "look at me, this is who I am, there is nothing hidden, what you see is what you get". If my face is breaking out, well, my face is breaking out. There's no hiding it. There's no trying to hide it. It's just, this is here, this is me. I have ears that stick out. My head's not perfectly shaped. This is what my face looks like, on its own. My nose is uneven. This is what I look like, without any frills or costumes. And to me, there's something amazing about that beauty. I feel beautiful in my nakedness. I feel beautiful in my vulnerability. I can't hide away, I can't be ashamed, I have no choice but to be proud and to embrace myself and face the world and show them all how beautiful I am, just as I am.
I love being able to embrace that. I think that's what I like most about this haircut. I feel like I've thrown down all my facades. It's so liberating feeling completely honest, with no possibility of lies. I love being able to feel so honest, so vulnerable, free, and just me. It's so good to have no option except to be yourself.
Imagine how amazing it would be if you could be that honest in every aspect of your life. I think it would be wonderful if everyone was completely honest, even brutally so. That would be so amazing to not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, to just say how you really feel, all the time. It would be so amazing to feel like you could be so vulnerable.
As it is, being quite that honest just doesn't go along with the system. There are too many consequences. People don't know what to do with that kind of honesty in real life. I've tried. But just imagine how beautiful it would be to know everyone's truths.
But now it seems like these things have effected me so much that I'm not even myself. Not to mention the fact that in addition to feeling emotionally not myself, my body hasn't been my own for almost 7 months. And I haven't had an explanation for it until now.
It feels good to finally know that it's not just some mental problem gone awry. Even if it's not something I would have control over, for some reason, having a physical illness seems much more acceptable than a mental one manifesting itself as physical. With mental things, it almost seems like you're to blame for it, or there's something inherently wrong with you. Everyone understands physical - there's no blame. A lot fewer people understand mental.
I think today and yesterday were the first days in a while where I've felt the clouds parting just a bit so I have a glimpse of the usual me. Which is strange because I'm so devastated from the news about soccer. But I think knowing that maybe I will start to physically feel better seems to change everything. It seems things may be surmountable again. It seems that maybe I am Morgan, who is strong enough to get through anything.
I never thought I'd be so happy about being told I'm sick.
It feels good to write again. I always forget.
I don't know how I feel happy right now. Things are kind of shit to be honest, but I think this diagnosis news would make the normal me manically estatic, so maybe this little happiness is just that, but muffled by the clouds. It feels so good to feel somewhere near normal. I don't know how I even manage to interact with people this way. It feels like my heart's so heavy, no matter what happiness I encounter, I can't manage to lift it into the sky to fly like it used to. It just kind of hovers; maybe a little higher, but never breaking into the atmosphere. I guess I had momentarily forgotten that I haven't always felt this way. That I'm a really happy person. That I've always laughed the loudest. That I've always been the one who felt so happy that I knew I might explode if I didn't laugh or hug or jump it out.
I know a lot of people never seem to feel as happy and light-hearted as I know I can be. And maybe that's normal for them, but I miss that ecstasy. That ability to know that no matter what I encountered, I would still have that.
You know, there's something extremely liberating about shaving your head. It's just like "look at me, this is who I am, there is nothing hidden, what you see is what you get". If my face is breaking out, well, my face is breaking out. There's no hiding it. There's no trying to hide it. It's just, this is here, this is me. I have ears that stick out. My head's not perfectly shaped. This is what my face looks like, on its own. My nose is uneven. This is what I look like, without any frills or costumes. And to me, there's something amazing about that beauty. I feel beautiful in my nakedness. I feel beautiful in my vulnerability. I can't hide away, I can't be ashamed, I have no choice but to be proud and to embrace myself and face the world and show them all how beautiful I am, just as I am.
I love being able to embrace that. I think that's what I like most about this haircut. I feel like I've thrown down all my facades. It's so liberating feeling completely honest, with no possibility of lies. I love being able to feel so honest, so vulnerable, free, and just me. It's so good to have no option except to be yourself.
Imagine how amazing it would be if you could be that honest in every aspect of your life. I think it would be wonderful if everyone was completely honest, even brutally so. That would be so amazing to not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, to just say how you really feel, all the time. It would be so amazing to feel like you could be so vulnerable.
As it is, being quite that honest just doesn't go along with the system. There are too many consequences. People don't know what to do with that kind of honesty in real life. I've tried. But just imagine how beautiful it would be to know everyone's truths.