sexing/hunhan: firefly
Pairings: Sehun/Yixing , Sehun/Luhan
Genre: Romance, Angst
Word count: 3K+
Summary: Yixing had been observing and sees Sehun break down. He decides to give Luhan a lesson but the lesson goes back to him like a boomerang.
People see Yixing as a shining star; a boy beaming with a faint and shy smile, lighting everyone's faces that come with different expressions and even those almost unnoticed presence, a boy with that deep dimple who can convince everyone they can just go, run after or run away and catch their dreams -- no matter how impossible they are. People think Yixing is a shining star, always twinkling with its brightest and different lights, giving warmth to cold and sullen hearts, making everyone beam a smile and making everyone love him back.
But, to Yixing, he is no shining star. People only notice the stars when they are shining and twinkling, don't you agree? What happens when the star lost its light and can no longer twinkle? Doesn't that merely implies that the star will be soon forgotten? Yixing shines when he wants to and sometimes he tries to control his light from giving off, stops his twinkling and hides from everyone's gazes on a really dark night clouds that gives off too much humid air that its dimness is enough to cover all bits of him.
Sometimes, Yixing doesn't need a thick wall and dark barriers to hide and omit his light. He just happens to be inevitably close to the sun that gives off too much light -- that a mere star like him cannot handle. Or, sometimes, he moves away when he feels like the light of the sun has been really suffocating, blinding everyone in the process. He himself isn't even shining anymore.
That is the sun, Luhan.
Yixing morosely concludes that he is a firefly. He lives in the cold night with nothing but darkness and he always just yearns for a faint streak of light for him to emit light even more. He knows his light is enough for himself but all fireflies happen to be naturally dim-witted, but there are times he knows what he's doing is wrong but he chooses to stay dumb and do what he feels like doing. He always comes dangerously close to a really painstakingly beautiful thing that ignites heat and light altogether. That is the fire and he's just found out that it is Sehun.
∞
At times like this, he sometimes wishes it will always be nighttime, where the sun's light would halt and would be replaced by the moon. When there is no blinding light of the sun, he can shine himself. Most of all, he can go fly around to the fire. Really close, but not close enough for himself to be burned. But all living things happen to have selfishness deep within and he himself forgets the barrier between the fire and the firefly. The fire just keeps on igniting a light, really attractively, and very addicting that he keeps on coming closer.
But at the end of it, when he happens to forget the dire outcome, he will end up being burned to crisp by his own play. So he keeps in his mind to stay away and just admire its beauty.
Sometimes, Yixing wishes the fire will stop its heat and light altogether and just die down. Still, what use does a firefly exist for when the fire ceases its light?
∞
Yixing blinks for several times and finally manages to come out from his reverie when he feels a cold finger poking his pale left cheek. He turns around as he spins his seat and smiles apologetically when he sees Sehun but he slowly scratches his head when he realizes the situation he is in, "Oh, sorry, Sehun-ah, what were you saying again?"
Sehun scrunches his nose and makes his thin pink lips come to a slight pout as his hands continue tapping at the shiny mahogany counter of their dorm's mini-bar, "I was asking you where Luhan hyung is."
Tilting his head a bit, Yixing scans his mind to come up with an answer. "I think he went to noraebang with Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I'm kind of surprised you aren't with him," he answers and voices out his thoughts at the end.
All the members know about Luhan and Sehun, and of course, they don't mind. Not that they can do anything about it anyway. But deep inside them, they envy the two. From their perspective, Luhan and Sehun are basically fit for each other. They are the ideal couple and everyone agrees. Luhan and Sehun are basically attached at the hip, their skins stitched together. Yixing wonders, why are they not together right now?
"He didn't even tell me about it," Sehun whispers thinly and there is that sudden pinch on Yixing's chest cavity and he is sure it isn't because of the liquor he is drinking. Something familiar and that is the something he keeps fearing of. He does not fail to see the flash of disappointment clouding Sehun's eyes and it saddens him that he can't do anything about it. "Why don't you try calling him and ask him where he is so you can also go there?" He suggests while giving a wink, cheering up the sulky younger.
Sehun nods and flashes a smile before turning back and grabbing his iPhone 5 from his tight black pants' pocket. "Thanks, hyung."
Yixing responds with a nod although Sehun can no longer see it. He decides to do anything to keep that light.
The realization comes to Yixing in a flash and it stabs his heart in an instant, coming without a warning. The fire is starting to waver and the light it emits is kind of... disappearing.
∞
From that point on, Yixing decides to observe more of Sehun and Luhan. And little by little, he sees the difference of the couples, now and then. Then, every time Sehun compliments Luhan, Luhan hides a smile, his face turning red as an indication how embarrassed he is but still, there is that thank you, Sehun feeling. Now, everytime Sehun compliments Luhan, Luhan just faintly nods and smiles a little. Yixing doesn't know how Sehun interprets it but he swears it gives off I know, Sehun. I know, or What's new? feeling.
Yixing sees how Sehun is always the one who exerts effort -- may it be little ones or huge ones. And Yixing sees how mostly of those comes unreturned. He sees how Sehun always tails behind Luhan, always having his attention on Luhan; everything he does, it's always about Luhan. Yixing sees how Sehun slowly reaches for Luhan's hand, clutching it in his. And Yixing could only smile bitterly as he sees Luhan slowly letting go from it.
Gone were the intimate whispers and delicate soft touches that all speaks of love. Yixing realizes Luhan has been too used of having Sehun by his side that he is unaware he is pushing the boy away. Luhan just doesn't realize how much he is missing while he continues shining brightly at everyone with the one he loves slowly being left out.
It just saddens Yixing how painful it is to witness a perfect love wither right in front of him.
∞
Yixing was surprised to see someone is at the mini-bar when he comes inside, head dizzy with the lack of sleep he got. He stops halfway and blinks as he sees Sehun. He resumes right after seconds while lazily dragging himself to the seat near the counter.
"What brings you here?" He asks as soon as he grabs the glass across him, while his other hand reaches for the bottle of Martini. He feels dumb for asking because he perfectly knows Sehun is feeling down, though that is the only way he could strike a conversation with the sunken image of the younger.
With a sigh, Sehun lifts his gaze and stares at Yixing, "Hyung, how do you go on when you've always been pushed away?" His hands wrap around the cold tall glass containing Coke Light, wiping the beads of water.
The gaze that lands on Yixing is so empty, it scares him because, how do you expect for a mere firefly to deal a dying light of fire? He shrugs, eyes away from Sehun. "I'll be dumb enough to continue going on."
"Even though you're already acting like a fool? Lowered your self so much?"
Yixing takes a sip of his Martini and slowly cocks his head, "Well, there is always a limit." He then wipes off his hand from his glass and draws a thin line on the counter. "This line here is the boundary, and..." he then draws another thin line an inch below the first line he drew, ",you are here." Almost at the boundary.
Sehun leeres at Yixing then stares at the thin line. He drags his glass at the bottom of the line, which Yixing refers to as him. "What is this part here?"
Humming, Yixing smiles at Sehun, his dimple showing, "This part of you here is in the 'dumb' area."
Sehun chuckles as he sips from his beverage, "What happens if I come across the borderline? What part would I be in?"
Smirking, Yixing looks at Sehun directly, ignoring how empty Sehun's eyes look. "Stupid."
This time, Sehun laughs, almost rejoicing, "There is no difference at all, hyung."
Yixing jugs down his Martini and spins his seat so he faces the younger beside him, "Being dumb is when you keep holding unto something but knowing there is something worth fighting for. Stupidity is when you know you've been dumb enough and still makes a fool of yourself holding on to something that no longer exists."
"Still no difference for me," Sehun comments and playfully erases the lines that Yixing made.
"Being dumb is pretty heroic for me," Yixing says as he faces back the counter, reaching for the bottle of Martini again. "While being stupid is just making yourself a laughing stock."
With that, Sehun's gaze falls back to Yixing.
"Fight for it while you still have a reason to," Yixing exclaims, making the younger one feel better. Although he wonders if he's somehow lit the fire because all he can see is a faint streak of light.
Sehun is barely holding on. What the fuck is Luhan doing?
∞
Yixing witnesses how heartbreaking it is to see the fire die down, making his surroundings nothing but pitch black.
He sees how Sehun had endured keeping himself from falling but there was no hope because the reason he kept on fighting for disappears into a thin light. No matter how much you want to stay on top, not wanting to fall, earth will always fuck up with you, pulling you down with the fucker so-called gravity.
And Sehun has fallen, really bad, really hard. Not when there isn't someone at the top holding him tight.
Yixing barely hears little shouts from Sehun and Luhan's room, Luhan's voice echoing the most. "But Sehun, I'm tired of bubbletea! I'm tired of those drinks for kids and you don't even notice I'm now loving Ice Americano!" Sehun's voice is faint and he still sounds determined, it tears Yixing apart because Sehun is clearly hurting. "Hyung, calm down. Those are just drinks. We can now forget bubbletea and just get Americano, right?"
What comes next what was Yixing fears the most and he holds his breath. He doesn't want to hear it. If it is this painful for him to hear, shredding him apart, he can't imagine how Sehun can take them.
"No, Sehun! The point is, I've changed! Everything changed!"
And the firefly lost its light.
∞
The ticks of the wall clock's hand is deafening and the silence in the mini-bar is suffocating Yixing. He has been sitting there, not even grabbing a drink. He is just there, almost knowingly knows Sehun will come minutes after. When the door opens and creaks a little, Yixing pretends he doesn't hear it. He just waits for Sehun to sit beside him, maybe with his eyes already stinging and bloodshot red.
"Give me a glass with Johnny Walker, hyung," Sehun says as soon as he sits on the gleaming silver seat.
Yixing looks at Sehun, he clearly didn't budge to give the younger one what he asks for. "I'm not letting you drink that. That is our managers'." He alibis, he just doesn't want to see Sehun getting drunk.
"Hyung..."
With a sigh, Yixing goes down from his seat and comes inside the little counter. "Which."
"Black."
Hesitantly, Yixing grabs the bottle and slowly opens the cap. He grabs the glass and pours down a little then hands it to Sehun who's face is as blank as the air. He then opens the mini-refrigerator and grabs a little pack of ice, puts it down to ice holder while his other hand grabs for another clean glass. Before heading out from the counter, he grabs a can of Dr. Pepper.
He goes back to his seat, quietly and lets Sehun chunk on his liquor. When Sehun slides back his empty glass, Yixing pours again. And now it happens several times until, finally, he hears tiny sobs coming out from the younger.
He turns to look at Sehun, bracing his heart and himself while doing so, preparing to witness Sehun break down. "Let it out," Yixing says and his voice wavers, thin and cold.
With that as a cue, Sehun cries and lets his long-kept tears run across his pale cheeks. His eyes already hurt but he needs to let it out more.
It takes all of Yixing's effort to reach out to the crying boy and he tells himself to hold on, stay strong for the weakening Sehun. When Sehun reaches back, slumping himself to Yixing's chest, he's already sobbing hard. Not even minding how he is now crying like a little kid. "It hurts... so much..."
Slowly touching Sehun's back, Yixing just hums. Sehun continued crying and holding tightly onto the older's shirt, "But we... we were perfect, hyung. Luhan... and I... were per...fect."
There is no light at all and it crumbles down on Yixing's world as he feels how cold Sehun is.
Yixing swallows the lump on his throat as he slowly lifts Sehun's wet face from his chest, he stares at the younger's face and sees how broken he is. He lifts his hand to the latter's face and tenderly wipes the tears, "Sometimes, perfection falls apart." He says and his voice comes out really coarse and croaked.
∞
Yixing thinks maybe now is the time to give Luhan a lesson, letting him see what he misses. Luhan is his bestfriend and what he'll do is for the better of him too, in the long run, it'll benefit the two of them.
If Luhan realizes how much of a treasure Sehun is, surely he has learned his lesson, right?
Yixing reasons out, he is just a firefly wanting to see his fire again. And maybe this time, he'll risk burning himself in the process.
∞
Everyone notices how Yixing starts to pay more attention to Sehun. How Yixing only looks at Sehun, how Yixing reaches out for Sehun, how Yixing attaches himself to Sehun.
He feels like the Sehun in Luhan and Sehun's relationship, except this time, it is Sehun and Yixing.
He touches Sehun more than Sehun touched Luhan before. He pays attention more to Sehun more than how Sehun paid attention to Luhan before. He attaches himself to Sehun more than how Sehun attached himself to Luhan before.
Yixing loves Sehun way more than how Sehun loved Luhan before.
∞
Yixing feels a jab into his ribs as he stands in the balcony, staring into the nothingness. He jumps a bit and laughs when he sees Jongin.
"You know you're betting yourself in the process right," Jongin says as he settles beside Yixing.
Yixing beams a smile at the younger and just nods proudly, "Nah, it'll be worth it anyway." His legs start tapping on the floor, as if making a beat and dancing along the rhythm.
"But you'll burn yourself."
"That always comes when you risk over something, Kim Jongin," Yixing sneers and smiles widely when Jongin's face darken, "That's why, stop making excuses and move. You know you're not burning him, you're just being a coward."
Jongin's mouth is agape as he stares dumbly at the man beside him, "Who are you referring to?"
Yixing just smiles even more widely and winks playfully at Jongin. Jongin groans and slowly kicks Yixing's foot, "Hyung, by the way..."
Cocking his head, Yixing gives Jongin a questioning look. Jongin faces ahead and puts his hands on his pockets. "If Sehun finally falls for you, swear to God, as his best friend, I'll break your bones if you hurt him."
With that, Jongin turns back and heads to the sliding door. Yixing turns around with a smile, calling Jongin. When Jongin turns around, he raises his pinky finger, signalling it's a promise he won't hurt Sehun. "And oh, by the way, Jongin, stop giving Kyungsoo a hard time."
Jongin raises his middle finger. Yixing raises his brow and adds, "I heard Joonmyun likes Kyungsoo."
Yixing burts out into a fit of laughter when Jongin stumbles on the stairs.
∞
Yixing decides to go straight to bed as he feels his body is giving out to the verge of sleep. He opens the door of his room then heads straight to his soft bed, dropping his self. Except he feels someone laying down beside him. He jolts down with a surprise and is about to hit that someone with his pillow when a laughter errupted his room.
"Sehun?! What the fuck are you doing here?"
With that, Sehun pulls him back to bed, causing him to fall beside the intruder. Sehun smiles widely, flicking Yixing's nose. "Xing, I'm in the process of falling for you."
Yixing just dumbly nods and mouths an oh while staring at the guy beside him. "Just wait a little more."
With that, Yixing pouts and throws his back on Sehun. He attempts to sleep while keeping a safe distance in between them. But, Sehun pulls him closer, not really close enough for their body to touch but close enough for Yixing to feel the warmth.
"Though I'm pretty sure I've already passed the middle part," Sehun continues.
∞
Yixing opens his Dr. Pepper and pours it into his glass that contains a good amount of ice. Without looking around, he asks the guy who just came in, "Why are you here in my hiding place?"
Sehun sits beside Yixing, grabbing the other can of Dr. Pepper and pops it open. He pulls the little ring of aluminum and plays with it in his hands. "I only came to drink."
Yixing tilts his head and raises his brows, amusement visible on his face, "Oh, really..."
Now he can't come up with any more words as he feels Sehun grabbing his left hand, as the younger one fumbles the little aluminum ring on his ring finger. He stares at Sehun and blinks. Sehun just smiles, or maybe laughs a little, his eyes turning into crescents.
Yixing watches Sehun beam and he catches a breath because Sehun just plainly looks beautiful. He doesn't move a bit when Sehun holds his hand tightly and it takes him several minutes to hold back, real tight.
The fire is back, omitting the lights that he had been wanting to witness again. Yixing feels himself burning as warmth engulfs him.
Just like that, the firefly has been burned. The firefly no longer exists; it becomes one with the fire.
a/n: idk man this idea just came to me all of a sudden so yeah this sucks bc this is just a fic vomit and ugh I always suck lol. But anyway, slowly coming into light bc I need to practice writing tch tch tch.
This is for fia who will always be my fave 14-year-old girl, srsly you will always be 14 to me eventhough you’re already, what, 36?
and omg also to my goddess nad. Srsly she is too perfect thank you for showing me the light, goddess, thanks for the beta uu
AND to my bb for posting this up ♡