Heroes prompt for The Flame

[unnameduntamed]

It smells in here. It’s usually cold too. And the whimpering of all the other “evil-doers” in here keeps getting on my nerves. Do you wonder why I complain? Seriously, you should try being stuck in this horrible place. One night and you would understand my frustration. They say I’ll never get out. The case is too strong against me. I still have

Comments

[yuunaluna]

Interesting premise. Very 1984-esque. And you tackle some issues that can't be talked about enough in my opinion (constant warfare for one). My only qualm is that the narrator sounds a bit too chipper for someone locked up in a prison and who is probably being maltreated. Maybe in future revisions you could try and drop the tone down into something colder and more chilling. She can still be a resilient character, but the subject matter is a little too dark for her current tone. And question! How does the naming system work? Caped Catpaw and Captain Power Punch. I'm quite intrigued! lol

I'm not your official editor, but I caught a few typos. I always like to know sooner rather than later. XD So here you go:

"Turns out that the police really don’t like it if you break their nose and ran away." Ran should be run.

"Captain Power Punch had announced his intention to capture me so that I could be suitable punished." suitabLY punished.

[unnameduntamed]

Thankies for your comments - and for catching my typos! I'm terrible for them so it's always helpful.
Yeah I had a few problems with this one but hopefully I'll work out how to improve it at some point. She is far too happy in prison. Needs sorting.
And the naming system came from too much sugar. Not quite sure how it works in the world - how does it work in other superhero wworlds? I think possibly the heroes dress themselves up, get a reputation and then the media dubs them something. And so they come out sounding like cat toys and cereal boxes.
:P

[belluminabyssus]

I really was intrigued by this. I think the world needs some fleshing-out, though, because I found myself confused at why she would be said to be a villain if she just saved a child from a burning building. I could understand the irony of Captain Power Punch's heroic status, but I didn't understand why the police would be mad that she saved a baby. I'm sure there's a reason for it in your universe but because as a reader I didn't get much background information, I'm personally not sure what the deal was.

I also agree with the comment above me: her tone is far too chipper and flippant. The whole time, it just sounds like she's whining about a childhood grudge, like she never grew out of it. A slightly grittier tone would serve this piece a lot better.

Otherwise, I'm really excited to see more of this, especially if more of the world will be explained in later segments! 8D

[unnameduntamed]

Thank you for your comments.
I shall be working to improve this piece at some point - bash the happiness out of the character, find some way to explain how warped the government of this country is, ect.
Hope you like what comes next!
K

[unnameduntamed]

Thankies!

[fawatson]

I suddenly realised why a huge part of his fan base was female.

Lovely!

[unnameduntamed]

*Grins* Thanks for commenting!

[keppiehed]

"Captain Power Punch" LOL! I like how you put an ironic spin on the idea of what we consider "hero", and perhaps the media's portrayal of such? Intriguing ideas, and well set up for future exploration, should you choose to venture down that path.

[unnameduntamed]

Thank you for commenting! Indeed that was what I was aiming for - what is a hero? Something created by the media. And how do they decide who is good and who is bad? The government usually tells them. So I had to give the bad guys POV.
Thanks again!