Foil prompt from The Flame

[unnameduntamed]

Forgive me, for I have wronged you greatly.

This wasn’t what I intended to happen, you know. Sam’s my best friend. I want him to be happy - I need him to be happy. It’s the way things have always been. I remember you said it yourself once - you said he’s like a child. Well, in a way, I agree. He is like a child in that he needs everything to go

Comments

[yuunaluna]

after all the anticipation you built up over these past few weeks, to be frank, this feels like an uninspired ending. we were all working with a really tough prompt this week, so if it tripped you up, totally understandable. i know i certainly struggled, but with names like "caped catpaw" and "captain powerpunch" and this whole battle against the government, i was really looking forward to an ending of equal epicness.

also, the whole explosion scene feels like a giant plot hole. you never fully explained how they survived, or how the got transported to the island. some clarification on the subject would be loverly.

looking at the overall story arc, though, i have to applaud you. a lot of people (myself included) copped out of the Nano challenge, and you did a phenomenal job this month taking all the prompts in stride. awesome work.

[belluminabyssus]

This is an interesting end to the arc -- I wasn't sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't this. I was envisioning some grand tackling of the government together or something. It's intriguing that you chose to go this way.

I have to say that the first paragraph is really redundant, though. Jeff says he needs Sam to be happy, wants him to be happy, and then this is mentioned in the sentence "So I do everything I can to make him happy." We understand this sentiment, so it doesn't need to be said that many times.

I have also been wondering this for a few stories now, but how on earth did Cat & Sam survive? They were in the depths of the prison, which would mean that it would have exploded/collapsed on them, and would not have been propelled out of the prison. When revising, you'll need to patch up this plot hole.

Otherwise, it's great that you've shown a lot of variety this month, and it's awesome that you managed to go the whole month (even with these prompts) in this universe.

[keppiehed]

I like the perspective that you used here. I found it to be a little confusing to wrap up this story arc, which had a lot going on, but it showed creativity. I think it might have served you better in week #3, when you were laying the groundwork for the wrap up, and then you could leave us with a really grand emotional punch in week #4 that was very clear, but that could be me. At any rate, I applaud your inventiveness with this storyline, and good luck this week!

[missflyer]

Apparently I should have read the other entries before reading this one, but it did intrigue me. Though I'm hard put to figure out if she is alive or dead, or what. I do like how it reads like a memoir, very personal -- at first, I thought it was more like a diary entry!

[silverflight8]

Hi, I'm one of your editors this week. Your writing is italicized or in double quotations, and words I suggest are in single quotations (which may get confusing with apostrophes, so just ask if there's weirdness going on in there).

General comments:
*I know I can always come and see your work for darkfic. <3 Nice job, as always.
*The first sentence - "forgive me, for I have wronged you greatly" is very different in diction when compared to sentences like "hasn't ate either" - try to be consistent, especially when the narration and dialogue are actually just one.
*Does this belong to a larger story arc? I think it can stand on its own, but I'd love to see more stuff flesh out all of this.

Detailed comments:
He is like a child in that he needs everything [...]
-The use of the "he is" strikes me as overly formal compared to the beginning of your story.

He is like a child in that he needs everything to go right or his whole world crumbles-Consider using a comma after "right" to clarify that it's not 'he needs everything to go right or