Wow, this is really visceral! I kind of wish we could have had some more insight into exactly what the scenario was, but for such a short piece it certainly stirred up quite a bit of feeling!
Wow. So, what in the world is going on in here? I'm getting kind of a Dexter-ish kind of vibe, you know. Vicious psychopath pursuing justice according to a personal code, that kind of thing. Only a bit more whimsical.
It looks like good work! I just want to understand it more.
I like the sort of light, almost chatty tone. It makes it a little bit more unsettling how entirely unconcerned the narrator is. I'm thinking an antisocial personality disorder with a touch of narcissism.
Hey, unnamed! So. I am your editor this week. And I am VERY excited for this because it means I get to read your entry one more time. I really loved it the first round through and now I get to have fun looking at it more analytically. WEEE!
Haha, you're dead.
In terms of opening lines, this is definitely a kick in the teeth. It gives the reader that eye-popping, oh-my-giddy-aunt-what feeling. I love the POV you’re writing this from as well, putting the audience on the receiving end of the narrator’s words. Very awesome job!
I mean this wouldn't really be an effective little conversation if you were all dead now, would it?
I really love the snarky rhetoric here, but I feel like maybe this is too wordy. Like, if you were to cut out either “really” or “little” in addition to “all”, I feel like this would read more streamlined.
Okay, it's not quite a conversation being that your tongue is lying about three feet away from your mouth meaning that you can't make a clear verbal response but, well, you know what I mean. Again
( ... )
Oh shit, wait, you don't have a dog. You have a wife.
And this is the part where I shook my head and went, “Oh, god, unnamed….” It was accompanied by a grin, don’t worry.
I'll make sure she is out of her misery soon.
Small nitpick here: up until this point, the narrative has been very casual, very friendly and personal. Here though, the “… sure she is…” part reads rather formal due to a lack of contraction. Again, this is a VERY MINOR detail, but it did jump out at me a little bit.
Yeah it means a little more work for me and it's a pain to break out of my schedule to clean up your messes but it's necessary.
Okay, some minor structural and punctuation things here. First off for punctuation: a comma is needed after “Yeah”. A comma is also probably needed after “messes” as well. Next up, the structural. Again, there are a lot of words in this sentence, some of them unnecessary. This bogs down the snap in your narrative just a little bit. See what you can do about rephrasing this so it reads more smoothly.
The banality of this is intriguing... the narrator seems like the type of person who's done this quite often. I'm amused that the narrator assumes the dog is a "her". :-)
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It looks like good work! I just want to understand it more.
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Haha, you're dead.
In terms of opening lines, this is definitely a kick in the teeth. It gives the reader that eye-popping, oh-my-giddy-aunt-what feeling. I love the POV you’re writing this from as well, putting the audience on the receiving end of the narrator’s words. Very awesome job!
I mean this wouldn't really be an effective little conversation if you were all dead now, would it?
I really love the snarky rhetoric here, but I feel like maybe this is too wordy. Like, if you were to cut out either “really” or “little” in addition to “all”, I feel like this would read more streamlined.
Okay, it's not quite a conversation being that your tongue is lying about three feet away from your mouth meaning that you can't make a clear verbal response but, well, you know what I mean. Again ( ... )
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And this is the part where I shook my head and went, “Oh, god, unnamed….” It was accompanied by a grin, don’t worry.
I'll make sure she is out of her misery soon.
Small nitpick here: up until this point, the narrative has been very casual, very friendly and personal. Here though, the “… sure she is…” part reads rather formal due to a lack of contraction. Again, this is a VERY MINOR detail, but it did jump out at me a little bit.
Yeah it means a little more work for me and it's a pain to break out of my schedule to clean up your messes but it's necessary.
Okay, some minor structural and punctuation things here. First off for punctuation: a comma is needed after “Yeah”. A comma is also probably needed after “messes” as well. Next up, the structural. Again, there are a lot of words in this sentence, some of them unnecessary. This bogs down the snap in your narrative just a little bit. See what you can do about rephrasing this so it reads more smoothly.
I should feel ( ... )
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Interesting piece of dark comedy, overall.
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