day eleven: "échappé" for nachtegael
Title: échappé
Recipient: nachtegael
Group and pairing: Red Velvet, Irene/Seulgi (Irene/Victoria)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of various injuries, dieting.
Summary: To evade. (Ballet AU, ~4k)
Author's notes: [notes]Sorry about the wait ;__; I originally conceived this to have more of the stronger themes from your prompts but because of time constraints those ideas weren't able to flourish like I'd hoped. Thank you for giving such interesting prompts to work with, I hope you like this. Thanks friends for helping me look over this.
I did a lot of research (too much, probably) for this fic but some details have been fudged to fit the story as needed. I am not a physical therapist. All ages in this fic are based on international ages.
It's Seulgi who picks her out.
"I think I found someone," she says, tapping on her iPad screen. Joohyun cranes her neck from the end of the couch to look, but all she can see is her own disgruntled reflection. She shrugs, and goes back to practicing her arm positions for the second act of Don Quixote. It's only been a week since her last rehearsal and she is already restless.
"Experience, new techniques, good reviews," Seulgi lists off. "That's what you wanted, right? Should I call her tomorrow and set up an appointment?"
What Joohyun wants is another dose of painkillers, but she's got another hour before Seulgi will deliver the next dose, along with something sweet that Joohyun will attempt to turn down in accordance with her diet and will probably end up eating anyway.
When Joohyun doesn't give a response, Seulgi sets the iPad down on the table. "Babe, I know this sucks, but the doctor said you could be in physical therapy within a week. Then you'll be back before you know it." Seulgi reaches for Joohyun's hands, stilling them. "And stop doing The Nutcracker."
"It's Don Quixote," Joohyun says, smiling despite herself. "Sometimes I feel like you don't pay attention to my dancing."
"Who? Me?" Seulgi says, shifting until she is horizontal on the couch, careful not to jostle Joohyun's bandaged knee. She wraps her arms around Joohyun's middle, and Joohyun automatically nuzzles into her neck. "I love everything you do. I'm your number one fan."
Joohyun sighs "Give me a day to sulk, okay? I'll call the therapist tomorrow."
"Everything's going to work out," Seulgi reaffirms. Joohyun wishes she could believe her.
╬
It's the classic tale-an overbearing mother forces her own failed ballet dreams onto her daughter. For every girl who makes it to 30, there's a dozen more who never make it past rehearsals and when they have their own little girls, the pointe shoes and tutus are primed and ready.
Age eight, when she would rather join S.E.S than Swan Lake, is the first time Joohyun breaks a toe. Her mother starts her on a diet the next day and Joohyun gets a lesson in dancing through pain.
Pain, any kind of pain. Sprained ankles, cracked toenails, stress fractures. The pain of rejection. The heartbreak that comes when the lead role goes to another girl over you.
Joohyun is four hours into a six hour rehearsal when she feels it. Coming out of a pas de ciseaux, she knows before her foot even hits the ground that she's messed it up. She lands with her knee twisted and when her momentum stalls, she crumples to the ground with a cry.
A large tear in the lateral meniscus, the company doctor tells her. Surgery within a week and then six to eight weeks of physical therapy. He says some other things, but Joohyun tunes him out after six to eight weeks. Two months, and their winter production is approaching fast.
"It's not a death sentence," the doctor tells her, gently.
But it is. Joohyun is twenty five years old and her time is running out.
╬
When it comes time for her first appointment, Joohyun has to convince Seulgi that she doesn't need any assistance. "You can't skip another day of class," she says, lacing up her sneakers at the door. She can see Seulgi itching to help her, but Joohyun shoots her a look. She's already had one stage mom, and she certainly doesn't need another.
Seulgi frowns. "For you I can."
"Seriously," Joohyun says, "I'll be fine."
After navigating the subway with crutches, however, Joohyun almost wishes she had taken her up on the offer anyway. Being jostled around by uncaring commuters does nothing to ease her apprehension and by the time she is seated in the clinic waiting room, her dread feels palpable. Thankfully it isn't long before she hears a voice across the lobby calling, "Bae Joohyun?"
Her therapist. Victoria Song, born in Qingdao, studied at the prestigious Beijing Dance Academy and spent three years in the Guangzhou Ballet before moving on to the Korea National Ballet at 19. Joohyun knows this because she has reread the About Our Therapists page three times in preparation for her appointment, but even if she hadn't, Victoria's dance background is immediately plain. She carries herself with her back straight, neck elongated, and her feet sweeping smoothly across the floor like she's performing a glissade on stage instead of a stuffy waiting room.
Joohyun belatedly remembers that her name was called. "Right here."
"Follow me," Victoria says, already turning on her heel toward the clinic doors and leaving Joohyun to hobble behind her.
In the exam room, Joohyun sits at the end of the table, conscious of her posture as she waits for Victoria to finish skimming through her file. "Lateral meniscus tear in the left knee," Victoria reads. "Have you ever had any problems with this knee before?"
"It locks up on me sometimes," Joohyun says, thinking back to her classes. Only minor pains, barely distinguishable from the typical ache of practice.
"When you jump? Doing turns?" Victoria asks, and Joohyun nods. "A very common injury. We will work on proper landing technique during our sessions."
"Um, how long do you think it will take? To get back in rehearsals?"
Victoria swivels around in her chair to face Joohyun. She gives Joohyun a long, sweeping look and Joohyun finds herself squirming under Victoria's strict gaze. She is beautiful, almost intimidatingly so, everything about her suggesting some kind of innate, untouchable gracefulness.
"Let me guess, The Nutcracker?" Victoria asks. "I thought so. Unfortunately there isn't a magic answer. It could be six weeks. It could be longer. You could never regain the strength you need."
Joohyun feels the word never like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut. "Is that likely?" she asks. Her voice shakes.
"With any injury in ballet, it's a possibility, and you should prepare yourself for it," Victoria says. Her expression is kinder now, a touch sympathetic. "But what we do know is that your progress will be determined by your own hard work. You have to commit one hundred percent of yourself to getting better. Can you do that?"
"I have to."
Joohyun returns to the apartment hours later with her knee throbbing and her armpits sore from the crutches. She finds herself hesitating in the entryway, her eyes falling on the hook where her ballet bag should be hanging. The day after her accident, she'd stuffed it in the back of the closet to avoid having to look at her untouched pointe shoes. Joohyun doesn't let herself sulk, though, not tonight.
Seulgi is dozing on the couch, a psychology textbook open on her stomach. Joohyun doesn't mean to wake her, but she stirs when Joohyun settles down next to her.
"Mmhm, hey," Seulgi say sleepily, blinking her eyes as Joohyun smooths a hand over her hair. "How was the consultation?"
"It was good," Joohyun says, "I mean, I'm trying to be positive. She didn't say I was hopeless or anything."
"Victoria? How was she?"
Joohyun thinks of the slender column of Victoria's neck. "She was experienced, like you said. I think we'll work well together."
Seulgi smiles. "That's great, I'm so happy."
"Yeah. She gave me some stretches to work on before our next session/"
"Do you, uh," Seulgi says, elbowing Joohyun lightly, "want some help with those?"
There's a lump forming in Joohyun's throat, something that feels a lot like guilt, but she swallows it down as she leans in to press a kiss against Seulgi's open mouth.
╬
Having been warned by the ballet doctor that the second week of therapy is the worst, Joohyun isn't sure what to expect when Victoria has her lying down on the table in the training room.
"No more bandages, no more crutches. Now the real work begins," Victoria says, laughing when Joohyun lifts her head up enough to shoot Victoria a worried look. "Don't worry, just a few stretches to start off."
When Victoria reaches for her brace, Joohyun is keenly aware of her body's instinctive urge to draw her knee in and away from Victoria's touch. Her bandages are off and her stitches are out, but it still feels very much like an open wound, something raw. As Victoria loosens the velcro straps to remove the brace, all Joohyun sees is the angry red scar along her kneecap.
"Bend your right knee and lift your left leg," Victoria instructs. "Thirty centimeters, and hold it for five seconds and then bring it back down slowly. Ten repetitions."
It hurts, even this small movement, the pain radiating through her knee and up her thigh. She's had her knee cut open and stitched back together, of course it fucking hurts. Ten repetitions later and she is gritting her teeth.
"Good, now do four more sets of ten. Then we'll do some lateral step-ups."
Joohyun soon understands why the second week is the worst. Victoria pushes her hard through the intermediate exercises, gentle demeanor from their first week's beginner stretches gone. Her tone isn't unlike Joohyun's ballet teachers, always striving for a higher leap, a more precise turn. Ballet dancers are no strangers to harsh critique.
Her shoulders sag visibly with relief when Victoria declares they've had enough for one session, guiding her back to the table.
"Now's the good part," Victoria says.
"There's a good part?" Joohyun asks, slightly dubious.
"Massage therapy," Victoria says, rubbing her hand against Joohyun's thigh to demonstrate. "Reducing your muscle tension should help ease your pain a little bit."
Her touch is firm, the heel of her palm pressing into Joohyun's tender muscles as she works her way up Joohyun's thigh. It's just shy of painful, though this time it's the good kind of pain.
"Turn over onto your stomach," Victoria instructs, breaking Joohyun out of her daze.
Joohyun feels Victoria's hand higher up now, one hand bracing against her hip and the other curving around her upper thigh. The touch is professional, but Joohyun can't help the shiver that runs through her body as Victoria's slender fingers brush against her inner thigh. She only hopes Victoria doesn't notice.
It's harder to relax now. Joohyun presses her face into the table to hide her flushed cheeks. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the clock, watching the minutes since their session was supposed to end tick by. She should say something, let Victoria know, but Joohyun can't bear to make her stop. Victoria's touch feels like an indulgence, like a cheat day on her diet.
"Oh shoot," Victoria says, "I let the time get away. Yujin must be waiting on me. Same time Wednesday?"
Joohyun's skin tingles in the absence of Victoria's hands.
╬
Seulgi is the first person Joohyun meets who doesn't know a pas de bourrée from a grand jeté.
A slight exaggeration, but that's what it feels like sometimes, like Joohyun had never met anyone completely removed from the world of dance until she was 21 years old.
She takes the same bus home from rehearsal every night, the circle line to Sinjeong, always one of the last trains of the night. Her commute lasts just long enough for Joohyun to begin dozing off, though not as long as the bus from Daegu when her mom used take her to Seoul for auditions on the weekend. Her fear of missing her stop usually keeps Joohyun coherent enough to listen for the train announcements, but she must be even more tired than usual one night, because it isn't the robotic female voice that wakes her up. Instead, a hand on her shoulder.
"Miss? Your stop is next."
Joohyun opens her eyes to find the girl looking at her cautiously. She has her hair up in a ponytail tonight and it draws attention to her pointed ears. Joohyun thinks it's cute.
It's the same girl who gets on one stop after Joohyun and departs in Sinjeong, though when Joohyun turns left, the girl turns right. Joohyun doesn't make a habit of staring at strangers, but for weeks she has been watching the girl studying, always a different textbook. She gets on at the university, Joohyun knows. It's easy to imagine her as a typical college student, the kind of life Joohyun would have if it wasn't for ballet.
The familiar transfer station music plays over the speakers and Joohyun realizes she is still staring at the girl.
"Thank you for waking me up," she says as they step out onto the platform together. This station is never not busy, even at this hour, and they are pressed elbow to elbow as they walk.
"You were really tired tonight, did you have a long day? Rehearsal?"
"You have no idea," Joohyun says, groaning. "This is the hardest production I've ever- wait, how did you know?"
The girl waves her hands frantically. "I'm not creepy, I swear. You just always wear that t-shirt, the National Ballet one?"
"Observant," Joohyun says. "You caught me."
"Well, one of us has to stay awake somehow." She ducks her head sheepishly. "Wow, pretend like I didn't say that. I'm Kang Seulgi, by the way."
"Bae Joohyun."
When they depart soon after, Joohyun heads left and Seulgi heads right, but Joohyun doesn't get too far before she hears Seulgi's voice calling out, "See you next week, unnie!"
The next time Joohyun sees her Seulgi is the one with drooping eyelids, slouching down in the seat next to Joohyun. "You can sleep this time," Joohyun says, "I'll wake you up."
Seulgi cracks open an eye, smiling. "But what if you fall asleep too and then we both miss our stop?"
"Then we end up at City Hall," Joohyun says cheerfully.
From there it's easy, a simple box step. Nothing is ever easy for Joohyun, but Seulgi is. It takes two more shared rides for Seulgi to walk Joohyun home-"Shouldn't I be the one walking you home? I'm the unnie." "But you're smaller."- and another five for Joohyun to shyly slip her hand into Seulgi's.
Two more and Seulgi kisses her in an alley, not exactly the picture of romance but Joohyun will never forget the press of brick against her back, the scrape of Seulgi's tennis shoes as she leaned in.
All Joohyun could think then was how remarkable it was to find someone who loved her for herself.
╬
Four weeks into therapy, Joohyun hits a wall.
Until now, progress has been slow but steady enough to abate some of Joohyun's anxiety. It's when she begins dancing again with regularity that Joohyun can tell how much further she has to go, how much more strength she has left to regain.
Her jumps are weak, her landings still inconsistent even with Victoria's hands around her for support. Her range of movement is half of what it needs to be to even think about getting up on a stage again.
There's a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that says this injury has torn something else, ripped her to shreds. It makes Joohyun want to scream.
Her bad mood follows her home. Joohyun can hear Seulgi puttering around in the kitchen from the entryway and she pauses, leaning against the door and wishing she could have just a moment alone.
"Is that you?" Seulgi calls out. "Are you hungry?"
The empty hook seems to be taunting her tonight. Joohyun trudges through to the living room. "Not right now."
"Are you sure? I can heat something up for you if you want. And then I was thinking we could watch that Alice in Wonderland performance on DVD, isn't that one your fave-"
Seulgi must sense Joohyun's mood because she cuts herself off, coming around the kitchen counter to look at her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Joohyun lies.
"Did you have a bad session or something?"
"What do you think?"
Seulgi opens her mouth and closes it once, twice. "I don't know," she says, "because you don't tell me anything about your sessions anymore. The last update I had two weeks ago and you told me you were doing great."
"Well I'm not, okay?" Joohyun says, dragging her palm over her face. She's tired, she just wants to go to bed right now before the sun has even set. "Just drop it."
"Okay," Seulgi says after a long exhale. She reaches for Joohyun's hand. "You should relax, maybe it would help if we watched that performance."
Joohyun jerks her hand out of Seulgi's grasp. "I don't want to watch any performances," she snaps, "I don't want to watch people do what I am never going to be able to do again."
"You don't know that. Why do you keep saying that? Why do you keep acting so fatalistic about this?"
"Because it is fatalistic! Ballet is my life," Joohyun stresses.
"But it's not all you are! People lose jobs all the time, people change careers," Seulgi says, groaning. "It happens."
Joohyun shakes her head. "You don't get it," she says. She can feel the next four words forming on the back of her tongue, passing through her teeth before she has a chance to stop them. "Victoria would get it."
"Then go talk to Victoria about it," Seulgi scoffs, throwing her hands in the air.
She doesn't quite storm off but it's something close, the maddest Joohyun has ever seen her in four years. Seulgi lets the door slam shut behind her and at once Joohyun's knees go weak. She lets herself sink down to the floor.
For the first time since her fall, Joohyun cries.
╬
They don't talk about it. Not that night, at least. Joohyun waits out on the couch until she is sure Seulgi has fallen asleep and only then does she crawl into bed. It's well into the night before she can finally fall asleep herself.
The next morning Joohyun wakes up to find Seulgi gone. Not gone gone, Joohyun knows that Wednesdays are Seulgi's earliest day of class. Normally Joohyun is the early riser, stirring at the first bit of sunlight through the curtains, but today she managed to even sleep through Seulgi getting ready for class.
Joohyun rolls over, burying her face in Seulgi's pillow. Her stomach is knotted up with guilt and some residual frustration. Maybe it's good Seulgi has already left so Joohyun won't end up picking another fight she doesn't mean.
Go talk to Victoria about it, Seulgi had said, but when Joohyun gets to physical therapy, she finds herself more quiet than usual.
They go through a simple routine together, steps that remind Joohyun of her first classes after getting her pointe shoes. For as unnatural as pointe dancing is, putting on her shoes again feels like coming home. She'll take this familiar, even fond pain over the pain of the unknown any day.
Victoria's hands support her through a few of the more intermediate steps. A hand against her back for balance, another on her leg to demonstrate the proper technique.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" Joohyun speaks up finally as their session winds down.
"Of course," says Victoria.
"About...your injury?"
Victoria gives her a wry smile. "It always comes up at some point, doesn't it?" she says. "Let's take a break."
They sit with their backs to the mirror. Even then, Victoria doesn't slouch. "We're probably not so different, me and you," she tells Joohyun. "I danced my whole life. I came to Korea when I was nineteen and I didn't speak a word of Korean then, but dance, it's its own language. I thought I could make it here, maybe be a principal one day. I was good. But I only made it three years."
"What happened?"
"First I ruptured my achilles tendon and it was getting better, I was getting better, and then I tore my ACL." Victoria sighs, staring straight out into the room. "At that point, the doctors told me I should quit. They didn't want me tempting fate."
It's Joohyun who reaches for Victoria this time, a hand on her knee. "How did you decide to go into physical therapy?"
"I danced for almost twenty years, you know? I couldn't turn off that part of my brain. I lived dance. I couldn't see myself doing anything else. An office job? I couldn't. One of the teachers thought I might be good at physical therapy, so I decided to enroll in a program. I think I'd like to teach someday, maybe."
"And you were okay with it?" Joohyun asks, hesitant.
"No," Victoria says. Joohyun holds back a gasp.
Victoria shakes her head, letting out a small laugh. "It's been six years, almost seven and I still don't think I am okay with it. You girls who do ballet, it's all you see. No other future. It's not realistic. That's what I would go back and tell myself."
She glances over at Joohyun. "Was that depressing? I'm sorry, I don't want you to give up. I just think you should be know what could happen."
Joohyun's heart is caught in her throat. She's looking at Victoria, but all she can think of is Seulgi. "No," she says after a long moment, "I think that's what I needed to hear."
╬
She texts Seulgi after her appointment. if you're still at school, can you meet me at the opera house?
Seulgi texts back soon after. I'll be there in 30 minutes.
It'll take her closer to an hour, Joohyun knows, so she sits back on the steps and watches the tourists milling about and the mothers walking their children home from school.
Two years ago Joohyun had her first performance in the Opera Theater as part of the Korea National Ballet. The culmination of 18 years of hard work, and it was everything she dreamed of. Seulgi didn't bring flowers to the performance, not with Joohyun's parents and her whole company there, but the next day Joohyun woke up to a bouquet delivered to her door.
Seulgi makes it in just under an hour. Joohyun sees a familiar approaching and her throat clenches, but she forces a smile, or something like a smile, and pats the step next to her.
"How was school?" Joohyun asks as Seulgi drops her backpack and joins Joohyun.
"You know, school. We're working on test creation now," Seulgi says. Her tone isn't exactly mean, but it's distant. Joohyun doesn't blame her. "How was your session today?"
"Better than yesterday."
"That's good."
There's a pause, and Joohyun knows what needs to come next. She takes a deep breath to steel herself. "I'm sorry," she says, reaching out to take Seulgi's hand in her own. "For yesterday. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I didn't…It was unfair of me. You were just trying to help."
Seulgi drops her head down with a sigh. "I'm sorry too, it's just so frustrating." Joohyun's heart stops in the miserably long second it takes Seulgi to continue, "I don't know how to help you. I can't understand what you're going through, but I know how much ballet means to you."
"It feels like I might be losing everything. Everything except for you." She squeezes her fingers around Seulgi's hand like a lifeline. "And I don't want to lose you too."
Though her eyes are sad, Seulgi gives Joohyun a tender smile. "You won't, even if you make it hard."
They sit in silence for a while. Joohyun tips her head to rest on Seulgi's shoulder and she thinks of all the nights they have spent lying in bed together, quite except for the sound of their breathing as they take each other in. She doesn't want to lose Seulgi.
"I love you," Seulgi speaks up, "all of you, ballet or not. You exist outside of ballet now and you'll continue to exist outside of it, no matter what happens."
Joohyun's future in dance may be uncertain, but it's not her only future, and this one isn't going anywhere.
Recipient: nachtegael
Group and pairing: Red Velvet, Irene/Seulgi (Irene/Victoria)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of various injuries, dieting.
Summary: To evade. (Ballet AU, ~4k)
Author's notes: [notes]Sorry about the wait ;__; I originally conceived this to have more of the stronger themes from your prompts but because of time constraints those ideas weren't able to flourish like I'd hoped. Thank you for giving such interesting prompts to work with, I hope you like this. Thanks friends for helping me look over this.
I did a lot of research (too much, probably) for this fic but some details have been fudged to fit the story as needed. I am not a physical therapist. All ages in this fic are based on international ages.
It's Seulgi who picks her out.
"I think I found someone," she says, tapping on her iPad screen. Joohyun cranes her neck from the end of the couch to look, but all she can see is her own disgruntled reflection. She shrugs, and goes back to practicing her arm positions for the second act of Don Quixote. It's only been a week since her last rehearsal and she is already restless.
"Experience, new techniques, good reviews," Seulgi lists off. "That's what you wanted, right? Should I call her tomorrow and set up an appointment?"
What Joohyun wants is another dose of painkillers, but she's got another hour before Seulgi will deliver the next dose, along with something sweet that Joohyun will attempt to turn down in accordance with her diet and will probably end up eating anyway.
When Joohyun doesn't give a response, Seulgi sets the iPad down on the table. "Babe, I know this sucks, but the doctor said you could be in physical therapy within a week. Then you'll be back before you know it." Seulgi reaches for Joohyun's hands, stilling them. "And stop doing The Nutcracker."
"It's Don Quixote," Joohyun says, smiling despite herself. "Sometimes I feel like you don't pay attention to my dancing."
"Who? Me?" Seulgi says, shifting until she is horizontal on the couch, careful not to jostle Joohyun's bandaged knee. She wraps her arms around Joohyun's middle, and Joohyun automatically nuzzles into her neck. "I love everything you do. I'm your number one fan."
Joohyun sighs "Give me a day to sulk, okay? I'll call the therapist tomorrow."
"Everything's going to work out," Seulgi reaffirms. Joohyun wishes she could believe her.
╬
It's the classic tale-an overbearing mother forces her own failed ballet dreams onto her daughter. For every girl who makes it to 30, there's a dozen more who never make it past rehearsals and when they have their own little girls, the pointe shoes and tutus are primed and ready.
Age eight, when she would rather join S.E.S than Swan Lake, is the first time Joohyun breaks a toe. Her mother starts her on a diet the next day and Joohyun gets a lesson in dancing through pain.
Pain, any kind of pain. Sprained ankles, cracked toenails, stress fractures. The pain of rejection. The heartbreak that comes when the lead role goes to another girl over you.
Joohyun is four hours into a six hour rehearsal when she feels it. Coming out of a pas de ciseaux, she knows before her foot even hits the ground that she's messed it up. She lands with her knee twisted and when her momentum stalls, she crumples to the ground with a cry.
A large tear in the lateral meniscus, the company doctor tells her. Surgery within a week and then six to eight weeks of physical therapy. He says some other things, but Joohyun tunes him out after six to eight weeks. Two months, and their winter production is approaching fast.
"It's not a death sentence," the doctor tells her, gently.
But it is. Joohyun is twenty five years old and her time is running out.
╬
When it comes time for her first appointment, Joohyun has to convince Seulgi that she doesn't need any assistance. "You can't skip another day of class," she says, lacing up her sneakers at the door. She can see Seulgi itching to help her, but Joohyun shoots her a look. She's already had one stage mom, and she certainly doesn't need another.
Seulgi frowns. "For you I can."
"Seriously," Joohyun says, "I'll be fine."
After navigating the subway with crutches, however, Joohyun almost wishes she had taken her up on the offer anyway. Being jostled around by uncaring commuters does nothing to ease her apprehension and by the time she is seated in the clinic waiting room, her dread feels palpable. Thankfully it isn't long before she hears a voice across the lobby calling, "Bae Joohyun?"
Her therapist. Victoria Song, born in Qingdao, studied at the prestigious Beijing Dance Academy and spent three years in the Guangzhou Ballet before moving on to the Korea National Ballet at 19. Joohyun knows this because she has reread the About Our Therapists page three times in preparation for her appointment, but even if she hadn't, Victoria's dance background is immediately plain. She carries herself with her back straight, neck elongated, and her feet sweeping smoothly across the floor like she's performing a glissade on stage instead of a stuffy waiting room.
Joohyun belatedly remembers that her name was called. "Right here."
"Follow me," Victoria says, already turning on her heel toward the clinic doors and leaving Joohyun to hobble behind her.
In the exam room, Joohyun sits at the end of the table, conscious of her posture as she waits for Victoria to finish skimming through her file. "Lateral meniscus tear in the left knee," Victoria reads. "Have you ever had any problems with this knee before?"
"It locks up on me sometimes," Joohyun says, thinking back to her classes. Only minor pains, barely distinguishable from the typical ache of practice.
"When you jump? Doing turns?" Victoria asks, and Joohyun nods. "A very common injury. We will work on proper landing technique during our sessions."
"Um, how long do you think it will take? To get back in rehearsals?"
Victoria swivels around in her chair to face Joohyun. She gives Joohyun a long, sweeping look and Joohyun finds herself squirming under Victoria's strict gaze. She is beautiful, almost intimidatingly so, everything about her suggesting some kind of innate, untouchable gracefulness.
"Let me guess, The Nutcracker?" Victoria asks. "I thought so. Unfortunately there isn't a magic answer. It could be six weeks. It could be longer. You could never regain the strength you need."
Joohyun feels the word never like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut. "Is that likely?" she asks. Her voice shakes.
"With any injury in ballet, it's a possibility, and you should prepare yourself for it," Victoria says. Her expression is kinder now, a touch sympathetic. "But what we do know is that your progress will be determined by your own hard work. You have to commit one hundred percent of yourself to getting better. Can you do that?"
"I have to."
Joohyun returns to the apartment hours later with her knee throbbing and her armpits sore from the crutches. She finds herself hesitating in the entryway, her eyes falling on the hook where her ballet bag should be hanging. The day after her accident, she'd stuffed it in the back of the closet to avoid having to look at her untouched pointe shoes. Joohyun doesn't let herself sulk, though, not tonight.
Seulgi is dozing on the couch, a psychology textbook open on her stomach. Joohyun doesn't mean to wake her, but she stirs when Joohyun settles down next to her.
"Mmhm, hey," Seulgi say sleepily, blinking her eyes as Joohyun smooths a hand over her hair. "How was the consultation?"
"It was good," Joohyun says, "I mean, I'm trying to be positive. She didn't say I was hopeless or anything."
"Victoria? How was she?"
Joohyun thinks of the slender column of Victoria's neck. "She was experienced, like you said. I think we'll work well together."
Seulgi smiles. "That's great, I'm so happy."
"Yeah. She gave me some stretches to work on before our next session/"
"Do you, uh," Seulgi says, elbowing Joohyun lightly, "want some help with those?"
There's a lump forming in Joohyun's throat, something that feels a lot like guilt, but she swallows it down as she leans in to press a kiss against Seulgi's open mouth.
╬
Having been warned by the ballet doctor that the second week of therapy is the worst, Joohyun isn't sure what to expect when Victoria has her lying down on the table in the training room.
"No more bandages, no more crutches. Now the real work begins," Victoria says, laughing when Joohyun lifts her head up enough to shoot Victoria a worried look. "Don't worry, just a few stretches to start off."
When Victoria reaches for her brace, Joohyun is keenly aware of her body's instinctive urge to draw her knee in and away from Victoria's touch. Her bandages are off and her stitches are out, but it still feels very much like an open wound, something raw. As Victoria loosens the velcro straps to remove the brace, all Joohyun sees is the angry red scar along her kneecap.
"Bend your right knee and lift your left leg," Victoria instructs. "Thirty centimeters, and hold it for five seconds and then bring it back down slowly. Ten repetitions."
It hurts, even this small movement, the pain radiating through her knee and up her thigh. She's had her knee cut open and stitched back together, of course it fucking hurts. Ten repetitions later and she is gritting her teeth.
"Good, now do four more sets of ten. Then we'll do some lateral step-ups."
Joohyun soon understands why the second week is the worst. Victoria pushes her hard through the intermediate exercises, gentle demeanor from their first week's beginner stretches gone. Her tone isn't unlike Joohyun's ballet teachers, always striving for a higher leap, a more precise turn. Ballet dancers are no strangers to harsh critique.
Her shoulders sag visibly with relief when Victoria declares they've had enough for one session, guiding her back to the table.
"Now's the good part," Victoria says.
"There's a good part?" Joohyun asks, slightly dubious.
"Massage therapy," Victoria says, rubbing her hand against Joohyun's thigh to demonstrate. "Reducing your muscle tension should help ease your pain a little bit."
Her touch is firm, the heel of her palm pressing into Joohyun's tender muscles as she works her way up Joohyun's thigh. It's just shy of painful, though this time it's the good kind of pain.
"Turn over onto your stomach," Victoria instructs, breaking Joohyun out of her daze.
Joohyun feels Victoria's hand higher up now, one hand bracing against her hip and the other curving around her upper thigh. The touch is professional, but Joohyun can't help the shiver that runs through her body as Victoria's slender fingers brush against her inner thigh. She only hopes Victoria doesn't notice.
It's harder to relax now. Joohyun presses her face into the table to hide her flushed cheeks. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the clock, watching the minutes since their session was supposed to end tick by. She should say something, let Victoria know, but Joohyun can't bear to make her stop. Victoria's touch feels like an indulgence, like a cheat day on her diet.
"Oh shoot," Victoria says, "I let the time get away. Yujin must be waiting on me. Same time Wednesday?"
Joohyun's skin tingles in the absence of Victoria's hands.
╬
Seulgi is the first person Joohyun meets who doesn't know a pas de bourrée from a grand jeté.
A slight exaggeration, but that's what it feels like sometimes, like Joohyun had never met anyone completely removed from the world of dance until she was 21 years old.
She takes the same bus home from rehearsal every night, the circle line to Sinjeong, always one of the last trains of the night. Her commute lasts just long enough for Joohyun to begin dozing off, though not as long as the bus from Daegu when her mom used take her to Seoul for auditions on the weekend. Her fear of missing her stop usually keeps Joohyun coherent enough to listen for the train announcements, but she must be even more tired than usual one night, because it isn't the robotic female voice that wakes her up. Instead, a hand on her shoulder.
"Miss? Your stop is next."
Joohyun opens her eyes to find the girl looking at her cautiously. She has her hair up in a ponytail tonight and it draws attention to her pointed ears. Joohyun thinks it's cute.
It's the same girl who gets on one stop after Joohyun and departs in Sinjeong, though when Joohyun turns left, the girl turns right. Joohyun doesn't make a habit of staring at strangers, but for weeks she has been watching the girl studying, always a different textbook. She gets on at the university, Joohyun knows. It's easy to imagine her as a typical college student, the kind of life Joohyun would have if it wasn't for ballet.
The familiar transfer station music plays over the speakers and Joohyun realizes she is still staring at the girl.
"Thank you for waking me up," she says as they step out onto the platform together. This station is never not busy, even at this hour, and they are pressed elbow to elbow as they walk.
"You were really tired tonight, did you have a long day? Rehearsal?"
"You have no idea," Joohyun says, groaning. "This is the hardest production I've ever- wait, how did you know?"
The girl waves her hands frantically. "I'm not creepy, I swear. You just always wear that t-shirt, the National Ballet one?"
"Observant," Joohyun says. "You caught me."
"Well, one of us has to stay awake somehow." She ducks her head sheepishly. "Wow, pretend like I didn't say that. I'm Kang Seulgi, by the way."
"Bae Joohyun."
When they depart soon after, Joohyun heads left and Seulgi heads right, but Joohyun doesn't get too far before she hears Seulgi's voice calling out, "See you next week, unnie!"
The next time Joohyun sees her Seulgi is the one with drooping eyelids, slouching down in the seat next to Joohyun. "You can sleep this time," Joohyun says, "I'll wake you up."
Seulgi cracks open an eye, smiling. "But what if you fall asleep too and then we both miss our stop?"
"Then we end up at City Hall," Joohyun says cheerfully.
From there it's easy, a simple box step. Nothing is ever easy for Joohyun, but Seulgi is. It takes two more shared rides for Seulgi to walk Joohyun home-"Shouldn't I be the one walking you home? I'm the unnie." "But you're smaller."- and another five for Joohyun to shyly slip her hand into Seulgi's.
Two more and Seulgi kisses her in an alley, not exactly the picture of romance but Joohyun will never forget the press of brick against her back, the scrape of Seulgi's tennis shoes as she leaned in.
All Joohyun could think then was how remarkable it was to find someone who loved her for herself.
╬
Four weeks into therapy, Joohyun hits a wall.
Until now, progress has been slow but steady enough to abate some of Joohyun's anxiety. It's when she begins dancing again with regularity that Joohyun can tell how much further she has to go, how much more strength she has left to regain.
Her jumps are weak, her landings still inconsistent even with Victoria's hands around her for support. Her range of movement is half of what it needs to be to even think about getting up on a stage again.
There's a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that says this injury has torn something else, ripped her to shreds. It makes Joohyun want to scream.
Her bad mood follows her home. Joohyun can hear Seulgi puttering around in the kitchen from the entryway and she pauses, leaning against the door and wishing she could have just a moment alone.
"Is that you?" Seulgi calls out. "Are you hungry?"
The empty hook seems to be taunting her tonight. Joohyun trudges through to the living room. "Not right now."
"Are you sure? I can heat something up for you if you want. And then I was thinking we could watch that Alice in Wonderland performance on DVD, isn't that one your fave-"
Seulgi must sense Joohyun's mood because she cuts herself off, coming around the kitchen counter to look at her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Joohyun lies.
"Did you have a bad session or something?"
"What do you think?"
Seulgi opens her mouth and closes it once, twice. "I don't know," she says, "because you don't tell me anything about your sessions anymore. The last update I had two weeks ago and you told me you were doing great."
"Well I'm not, okay?" Joohyun says, dragging her palm over her face. She's tired, she just wants to go to bed right now before the sun has even set. "Just drop it."
"Okay," Seulgi says after a long exhale. She reaches for Joohyun's hand. "You should relax, maybe it would help if we watched that performance."
Joohyun jerks her hand out of Seulgi's grasp. "I don't want to watch any performances," she snaps, "I don't want to watch people do what I am never going to be able to do again."
"You don't know that. Why do you keep saying that? Why do you keep acting so fatalistic about this?"
"Because it is fatalistic! Ballet is my life," Joohyun stresses.
"But it's not all you are! People lose jobs all the time, people change careers," Seulgi says, groaning. "It happens."
Joohyun shakes her head. "You don't get it," she says. She can feel the next four words forming on the back of her tongue, passing through her teeth before she has a chance to stop them. "Victoria would get it."
"Then go talk to Victoria about it," Seulgi scoffs, throwing her hands in the air.
She doesn't quite storm off but it's something close, the maddest Joohyun has ever seen her in four years. Seulgi lets the door slam shut behind her and at once Joohyun's knees go weak. She lets herself sink down to the floor.
For the first time since her fall, Joohyun cries.
╬
They don't talk about it. Not that night, at least. Joohyun waits out on the couch until she is sure Seulgi has fallen asleep and only then does she crawl into bed. It's well into the night before she can finally fall asleep herself.
The next morning Joohyun wakes up to find Seulgi gone. Not gone gone, Joohyun knows that Wednesdays are Seulgi's earliest day of class. Normally Joohyun is the early riser, stirring at the first bit of sunlight through the curtains, but today she managed to even sleep through Seulgi getting ready for class.
Joohyun rolls over, burying her face in Seulgi's pillow. Her stomach is knotted up with guilt and some residual frustration. Maybe it's good Seulgi has already left so Joohyun won't end up picking another fight she doesn't mean.
Go talk to Victoria about it, Seulgi had said, but when Joohyun gets to physical therapy, she finds herself more quiet than usual.
They go through a simple routine together, steps that remind Joohyun of her first classes after getting her pointe shoes. For as unnatural as pointe dancing is, putting on her shoes again feels like coming home. She'll take this familiar, even fond pain over the pain of the unknown any day.
Victoria's hands support her through a few of the more intermediate steps. A hand against her back for balance, another on her leg to demonstrate the proper technique.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" Joohyun speaks up finally as their session winds down.
"Of course," says Victoria.
"About...your injury?"
Victoria gives her a wry smile. "It always comes up at some point, doesn't it?" she says. "Let's take a break."
They sit with their backs to the mirror. Even then, Victoria doesn't slouch. "We're probably not so different, me and you," she tells Joohyun. "I danced my whole life. I came to Korea when I was nineteen and I didn't speak a word of Korean then, but dance, it's its own language. I thought I could make it here, maybe be a principal one day. I was good. But I only made it three years."
"What happened?"
"First I ruptured my achilles tendon and it was getting better, I was getting better, and then I tore my ACL." Victoria sighs, staring straight out into the room. "At that point, the doctors told me I should quit. They didn't want me tempting fate."
It's Joohyun who reaches for Victoria this time, a hand on her knee. "How did you decide to go into physical therapy?"
"I danced for almost twenty years, you know? I couldn't turn off that part of my brain. I lived dance. I couldn't see myself doing anything else. An office job? I couldn't. One of the teachers thought I might be good at physical therapy, so I decided to enroll in a program. I think I'd like to teach someday, maybe."
"And you were okay with it?" Joohyun asks, hesitant.
"No," Victoria says. Joohyun holds back a gasp.
Victoria shakes her head, letting out a small laugh. "It's been six years, almost seven and I still don't think I am okay with it. You girls who do ballet, it's all you see. No other future. It's not realistic. That's what I would go back and tell myself."
She glances over at Joohyun. "Was that depressing? I'm sorry, I don't want you to give up. I just think you should be know what could happen."
Joohyun's heart is caught in her throat. She's looking at Victoria, but all she can think of is Seulgi. "No," she says after a long moment, "I think that's what I needed to hear."
╬
She texts Seulgi after her appointment. if you're still at school, can you meet me at the opera house?
Seulgi texts back soon after. I'll be there in 30 minutes.
It'll take her closer to an hour, Joohyun knows, so she sits back on the steps and watches the tourists milling about and the mothers walking their children home from school.
Two years ago Joohyun had her first performance in the Opera Theater as part of the Korea National Ballet. The culmination of 18 years of hard work, and it was everything she dreamed of. Seulgi didn't bring flowers to the performance, not with Joohyun's parents and her whole company there, but the next day Joohyun woke up to a bouquet delivered to her door.
Seulgi makes it in just under an hour. Joohyun sees a familiar approaching and her throat clenches, but she forces a smile, or something like a smile, and pats the step next to her.
"How was school?" Joohyun asks as Seulgi drops her backpack and joins Joohyun.
"You know, school. We're working on test creation now," Seulgi says. Her tone isn't exactly mean, but it's distant. Joohyun doesn't blame her. "How was your session today?"
"Better than yesterday."
"That's good."
There's a pause, and Joohyun knows what needs to come next. She takes a deep breath to steel herself. "I'm sorry," she says, reaching out to take Seulgi's hand in her own. "For yesterday. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I didn't…It was unfair of me. You were just trying to help."
Seulgi drops her head down with a sigh. "I'm sorry too, it's just so frustrating." Joohyun's heart stops in the miserably long second it takes Seulgi to continue, "I don't know how to help you. I can't understand what you're going through, but I know how much ballet means to you."
"It feels like I might be losing everything. Everything except for you." She squeezes her fingers around Seulgi's hand like a lifeline. "And I don't want to lose you too."
Though her eyes are sad, Seulgi gives Joohyun a tender smile. "You won't, even if you make it hard."
They sit in silence for a while. Joohyun tips her head to rest on Seulgi's shoulder and she thinks of all the nights they have spent lying in bed together, quite except for the sound of their breathing as they take each other in. She doesn't want to lose Seulgi.
"I love you," Seulgi speaks up, "all of you, ballet or not. You exist outside of ballet now and you'll continue to exist outside of it, no matter what happens."
Joohyun's future in dance may be uncertain, but it's not her only future, and this one isn't going anywhere.