The Root of All Evil
I don't know why, but I'm in a really bad mood today. I feel depressed, bitchy, anxious, pissed off, a general "I hate the world" kind of mood, and I have no idea why. Stress? Maybe. I'm ready to be out of here, it kind of pisses me off that I'm not yet. I think, though, that the biggest culprit is probably money. I'm so fucking sick of living like this. I have two dollars in my bank account, about 30 in my wallet and that's all the money I have in the world- except even that can't really be mine, when I have tons of bills to pay. Somehow I have to come up with a loan for $13,000 to come here (OU) next year. But I can't get a loan, because I have no credit and I don't make any money since I'm in school... I'd have to have a co-signer, but I don't have a co-signer. My mom doesn't make enough or have good enough credit to get approved, and no one else is willing to take that kind of risk. I'm going to talk to the financial aid people here, although the last time I did that they weren't much help but we'll hope that this time will be different. Because if I can't get that money, I can't come here next here. Period. So then what? Well, I'd have to go back to Wright State. But I don't want to do that. It'd screw up everything. The classes I've taken fill my requirements here, not there. I'd have to take all kinds of bullshit and it'd take me longer to graduate. Not only that, but Wright State isn't as good of a school as this is, and what if I couldn't get into the law school I want to go to? That'd absolutely ruin everything I've worked so fucking hard for. It's not like I'm asking for someone to just hand me all the money I need for school. No, I'm willing to pay for it myself. I'm willing to be in debt, because I think it's worth it. It's worth it to me. I get really good grades and I work really fucking hard, and I think I deserve to be able to go to a good, public state school. It's not like I'm trying to go to fucking Harvard or anything. I just want to be able to graduate from Ohio University, where I've went for the last two years. I only have one year left. Is that too much to fucking ask?
You know, I don't care about being rich. About having the biggest house and the best cars. I just want to have a normal life. I want to go to school, get a good job, and live comfortably. I want to own a house, a house big enough for whatever size my family is. When I have kids, I want to be able to go buy them a pair of shoes if they need them and not have to worry about how much money is in the checking account. I want to not have to live paycheck to paycheck like my parents always did and my mom still does. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'll be able to pay the bills on time each month- I want to be able to pay them and put a little back for my kid's education. If the car needs new brakes, I want to be able to get new brakes without cutting back on that week's grocery money. And all of those reasons are why I'm working so fucking hard in school, why I always have. It's not like I'm asking for a million dollar trust fund or to win the lottery.
So why does it always seem like this is so impossible?