Insomnia Strikes Again
I can't sleep. I hate when this happens, because I lay there with like 50 billion things going through my head, none of them anything I really need to be thinking about, you know? Remembering things I don't need to remember. Wondering about things I don't need to wonder about right now. Nothing that's happened in the past is going to be fixed by lying in bed at 3 in the morning regretting it. Nothing that's going to happen in the future is going to go any better because I was lying in bed worrying about it years before it matters. I'm trying to plan a future that doesn't exist yet, and I have to stop it. I think one of these days I'm going to explode before I ever even get to that secure life that I'm working so desperately hard for. It amazes me that I actually know pretty much what one of my biggest issues is-- but I can't do anything about it. I know that I've lacked security all my life, and that I've always been desperately trying to find it or create it. I know that it causes all kinds of personal hang-ups that drive me insane. I know that it contributes to my problem of being too serious and not young enough. I know all of these things, but it doesn't matter. I have absolutely no control over it. The only thing that seems to make it better is actually finding security, but the problem is, I can't have the security I need right now. And it's still going to be a long time before I can have it. And see, I know all of this. I mean, until I finish school and start working, I can't have financial security. I know I can't have the real kind of family security I'm looking for until I get married, but I can't get married until, well, a number of things really. Regardless, it's a while away. I know I won't have certain security until I own my own house. It's al things I can control, but not right now. And I've known this forever, hell, that's why I've worked this hard, for this long. (Seriously, since middle school. I really AM a freak.) But still, even after this long, it's so hard to wait. Especially, maybe, because I'm so much closer now than I ever was before. But my life has gone through so many changes in college... I mean, I lost my dad, I'm about to lose my grandma, I ended the first really long term relationship and started a new, better long term relationship with my best friend, I moved out of Springfield, I even moved out of my mom's house for summer and break, etc... which all kind of adds to an even bigger lack of security. I don't know. This is stupid, and pointless, probably even whiney, I know. I'm sorry. I just want it so bad. And it seems so unfair that it is, and always has been, just too much to ask.
Ohh, I think too much. I wish I could stop. And I don't wish I were psychic because I know, deep down, that it would not be "cool" the way most people think it would. But I wish I could just... I don't know. It's so silly. But I guess honestly, I wish I could know about Wudi and I. Ahead of time. Whether we're going to make it. I mean, I know everybody does. But it's like, I analyze and analyze, and I go in circles and always still end up here, in the present, and all my answers lie in the future that I cannot see. But this is probably not something I should go into too much detail about here, I guess.
With that said, I've been saying all those things I've been thinking to my wonderful, beautiful cousin Jessica, and I'm going to continue doing that instead of rambling any more useless stuff here... especially since it's almost 4:30 in the morning... GODDAMMIT!!! And I have to get up early for a physical therapy appointment and then class until 5. UGH!!!
Ohh, I think too much. I wish I could stop. And I don't wish I were psychic because I know, deep down, that it would not be "cool" the way most people think it would. But I wish I could just... I don't know. It's so silly. But I guess honestly, I wish I could know about Wudi and I. Ahead of time. Whether we're going to make it. I mean, I know everybody does. But it's like, I analyze and analyze, and I go in circles and always still end up here, in the present, and all my answers lie in the future that I cannot see. But this is probably not something I should go into too much detail about here, I guess.
With that said, I've been saying all those things I've been thinking to my wonderful, beautiful cousin Jessica, and I'm going to continue doing that instead of rambling any more useless stuff here... especially since it's almost 4:30 in the morning... GODDAMMIT!!! And I have to get up early for a physical therapy appointment and then class until 5. UGH!!!