OFFSPRING
this is why, so far, i've decided that i won't have any offspring of my own. i just can't see myself becoming a loving parent.
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i've endured at least thirty lashes (from a bayabas branch, the handle of a plastic flyswatter, a steel ruler or plastic scale, either end of a leather belt [that includes the buckle end], or anything they could get their hands on quite frankly) for every 'transgression'(meaning, not being able to nap during the day, not being able to make my female sibling nap during the day, a quiz below 80%, not being able to finish my food, not being able to finish my drink, etc) i committed when i was a child.
i've been hit with steel paper punchers on the head, or staples driven to my scalp (because i was smacked on the head with a stapler), etc., because i couldn't answer all the questions right for my mathematics homework (and i have numerous scars on my scalp to prove it).
also, daily verbal abuse belittling or disparaging anything from my height, weight, complexion, appearance, cleanliness, level of intelligence based on 'low' scores, etc., for nearly 27 years now, and counting.
i was actually quite tempted to call 163 when the Bantay Bata program was first announced on TV. of course i didn't, because i was afraid. during my teenage years, suicide was a constant thought - though i attempted to do it only twice, and only because of other factors which really, nearly sapped any sense of hope for happiness and whatnot from me. i think i'm still alive only because i'm a trained pessimist who's actually a very potent, natural optimist.
and yet i can't bring myself to hate them completely. normally, i don't, even now that i'm a fully-grown adult and am now fully aware of their numerous CRIMES against me (they ARE crimes, yes?). i worry that my father might collapse from heart ailments, stroke, or diabetes. i worry that my mother might just collapse one day, hit her head, and never nag me again (wait, that's actually partly a good thing! joking). and i worry that in these scenarios, i most likely will not be there to take care of them if i decide to leave. this is one of the primary reasons why i'm having such a hard time deciding to leave our company (the other reason, of course, is that i'm actually getting the hang of it and getting better and better at it - plus, through my efforts, the company has actually grown quite substantially over the past year and a half, and is continuing to do so). however, every time i get angry at them, particularly when i explode after just enduring it for a period of time (usually, a year, maybe six, seven months; lately it's become more and more often though), i feel intense hatred and malice. not enough to do them any harm, though; i love them (for no good reason, apparently -_-). maybe verbally, now and then.
they stopped hitting me when i was in 3rd year HS. in my fathers' case it was more like he finally felt guilt for that - which is why my younger brother has never known corporal punishment. in my mother's case, she stopped because i hit back. in both cases, they also stopped because i was now far, far stronger than both of them physically.
nowadays they still treat me like D-level crap, albeit with subtlety. they're somewhat nice to me when i'm a) making money or working for them b) when i fulfill my function as a human trophy of their 'success' as parents in front of their friends and relatives c) when they need me or my skills badly for some other thing. but the moment i express wants, desires, or opinions which are contrary to their own, then i become stupid, lazy, ineffectual, lacking in all areas, etc. also, for some reason they've seemingly learned to derive enjoyment from belittling everything i've ever accomplished, or am accomplishing, in life (because they laugh very hard). to them, i exist only to obey and serve, and to do with as they see fit. during those times, which is now steadily increasing in frequency as i become more and more discontented with this life, i often don't feel like a person at all, actually.
---
i'll be the first to admit that i've been a terrible brother to both of my siblings.
the offspring immediately after me, maybe i was just reacting to how vast the gap was between us was in terms of the love and attention and FAIRNESS we got. extreme FAVORITISM destroyed my relationship with that woman. it got even worse when she finally realized that she was going to get away with anything. for example, for the past eleven years, she's constantly harassed, insulted, and verbally assaulted me - and when i finally explode after enduring everything for six months to a year or so, OF COURSE i get all the blame. this is their logic : i'm the eldest, and i am a male. i must put up with any and all bullshit; if i so much as react to such treatment, then i am an incredibly evil person. i am callous and i lack patience. i must try to 'understand', at all times.
i actually have a very good relationship with my younger brother. part of the reason for that was that i consciously tried my best to be as good a brother as i can be. well, i ended up, partly, becoming controlling, discouraging, and a perfectionist, just like my parents - although according to my brother, i've managed to be a somewhat fairer and more tempered version, at least most of the time. my brother insists that i was, more or less, a good kuya, given the circumstances. (for example : my parents insisted that i tutor my brother during his elementary and high school years. being my parents, they were constantly scolding him for the 'low' scores that he got, oftentimes belittling his accomplishments and being incredibly discouraging in general - the same treatment i got from them [minus the thirty lashes i got for every failed quiz]. they would blame his being 'hindi magaling' and 'tamad' on me of course, being his appointed tutor. this of course resulted in him losing all interest in academics, and eventually, the 'low scores' he was getting really became low scores) but i can't help but see that i've actually become a lot like my parents during the years when i was watching over him. i feel terrible that, no matter how hard i tried to insulate him from the childhood that i had, he ended up getting a watered-down version of it - FROM ME.
this is the world i've been living in for more than half a century now. this is why i have so little self esteem. this is also why i more or less know that i'm going to be, though not quite as bad emotionally and psychologically as my parents, a terrible father, unless i somehow manage to completely get over the childhood that i had, and be a completely different kind of parent to my own future offspring - i doubt it, though. i just can't allow myself to pass on the suffering, the hate, the emotional and psychological brokenness that i have. it's weird, but i really do pity those unborn souls. i want to save them.
---
i've talked about leaving the country in a previous post; this is one of the major motivations for that. i just can't, and won't, live my life constantly trying to suppress anger and resentment and hate, and then occasionally exploding. it's very unhealthy, physically and mentally. it's pathetic. lastly, it's holding me back from creating other, more meaningful relationships either because i'm so emotionally drained most of the time, or because i'm afraid of showing people that i'm filled up with so much negativity and hate and angst and utter sadness, or both.
i can't keep on living like that, especially now, at this age. if i die at fifty, them i'm already nearly two years past my half-life. my mind and heart says that i owe it to myself to find happiness in the next 24 years.
which of course leads me to the conclusion that i should fix myself up, to the point where i'm NOT afraid of having offspring... because i just absolutely LOVE children. i'm actually great at relating with them, playing with them, and taking care of them. part of that might be that since i never quite fully became one myself, i'm compensating. it's ironic that one of my biggest ambitions is to be a great father to a child of my own, but now when i'm so close to being able to support such a financial burden, i can't, because a) i don't have a wife or GF, nor will i ever have one in my current state of un-attractiveness and general lack of gentlman-liness (which is intentional because i believe chivalry should die for true gender equality in society), and also lack of interest in any type of romance, and b) i'm so afraid of being a bad parent that i'm actually having nightmares of myself becoming a bad parent.
more than anything, i want to be truly HAPPY, for once. what does true happiness even mean? i see people on facebook with photos looking very happy with their significant other or their family. what does that feel like?
---
so few people are active on livejournal that it's actually liberating.
i get to write things that i wouldn't write before. part of that is because this site has ceased to be the semi-primary social media platform of our generation (at least for those of us during 4th year HS to around 3rd year college, haha). facebook and twitter took that role, and made yahoo messenger obsolete at around the same time. partly it's also because we're all a lot more mature now, and also because we kind of treat this site now as a sort of 'secret', filled with privileged information from the friends we have who've managed to be active in journal-writing for this long. we're not worried that anything we write here will get out to the world at large... it's between US.
or at least i hope you all feel that way as well :))
---
i've endured at least thirty lashes (from a bayabas branch, the handle of a plastic flyswatter, a steel ruler or plastic scale, either end of a leather belt [that includes the buckle end], or anything they could get their hands on quite frankly) for every 'transgression'(meaning, not being able to nap during the day, not being able to make my female sibling nap during the day, a quiz below 80%, not being able to finish my food, not being able to finish my drink, etc) i committed when i was a child.
i've been hit with steel paper punchers on the head, or staples driven to my scalp (because i was smacked on the head with a stapler), etc., because i couldn't answer all the questions right for my mathematics homework (and i have numerous scars on my scalp to prove it).
also, daily verbal abuse belittling or disparaging anything from my height, weight, complexion, appearance, cleanliness, level of intelligence based on 'low' scores, etc., for nearly 27 years now, and counting.
i was actually quite tempted to call 163 when the Bantay Bata program was first announced on TV. of course i didn't, because i was afraid. during my teenage years, suicide was a constant thought - though i attempted to do it only twice, and only because of other factors which really, nearly sapped any sense of hope for happiness and whatnot from me. i think i'm still alive only because i'm a trained pessimist who's actually a very potent, natural optimist.
and yet i can't bring myself to hate them completely. normally, i don't, even now that i'm a fully-grown adult and am now fully aware of their numerous CRIMES against me (they ARE crimes, yes?). i worry that my father might collapse from heart ailments, stroke, or diabetes. i worry that my mother might just collapse one day, hit her head, and never nag me again (wait, that's actually partly a good thing! joking). and i worry that in these scenarios, i most likely will not be there to take care of them if i decide to leave. this is one of the primary reasons why i'm having such a hard time deciding to leave our company (the other reason, of course, is that i'm actually getting the hang of it and getting better and better at it - plus, through my efforts, the company has actually grown quite substantially over the past year and a half, and is continuing to do so). however, every time i get angry at them, particularly when i explode after just enduring it for a period of time (usually, a year, maybe six, seven months; lately it's become more and more often though), i feel intense hatred and malice. not enough to do them any harm, though; i love them (for no good reason, apparently -_-). maybe verbally, now and then.
they stopped hitting me when i was in 3rd year HS. in my fathers' case it was more like he finally felt guilt for that - which is why my younger brother has never known corporal punishment. in my mother's case, she stopped because i hit back. in both cases, they also stopped because i was now far, far stronger than both of them physically.
nowadays they still treat me like D-level crap, albeit with subtlety. they're somewhat nice to me when i'm a) making money or working for them b) when i fulfill my function as a human trophy of their 'success' as parents in front of their friends and relatives c) when they need me or my skills badly for some other thing. but the moment i express wants, desires, or opinions which are contrary to their own, then i become stupid, lazy, ineffectual, lacking in all areas, etc. also, for some reason they've seemingly learned to derive enjoyment from belittling everything i've ever accomplished, or am accomplishing, in life (because they laugh very hard). to them, i exist only to obey and serve, and to do with as they see fit. during those times, which is now steadily increasing in frequency as i become more and more discontented with this life, i often don't feel like a person at all, actually.
---
i'll be the first to admit that i've been a terrible brother to both of my siblings.
the offspring immediately after me, maybe i was just reacting to how vast the gap was between us was in terms of the love and attention and FAIRNESS we got. extreme FAVORITISM destroyed my relationship with that woman. it got even worse when she finally realized that she was going to get away with anything. for example, for the past eleven years, she's constantly harassed, insulted, and verbally assaulted me - and when i finally explode after enduring everything for six months to a year or so, OF COURSE i get all the blame. this is their logic : i'm the eldest, and i am a male. i must put up with any and all bullshit; if i so much as react to such treatment, then i am an incredibly evil person. i am callous and i lack patience. i must try to 'understand', at all times.
i actually have a very good relationship with my younger brother. part of the reason for that was that i consciously tried my best to be as good a brother as i can be. well, i ended up, partly, becoming controlling, discouraging, and a perfectionist, just like my parents - although according to my brother, i've managed to be a somewhat fairer and more tempered version, at least most of the time. my brother insists that i was, more or less, a good kuya, given the circumstances. (for example : my parents insisted that i tutor my brother during his elementary and high school years. being my parents, they were constantly scolding him for the 'low' scores that he got, oftentimes belittling his accomplishments and being incredibly discouraging in general - the same treatment i got from them [minus the thirty lashes i got for every failed quiz]. they would blame his being 'hindi magaling' and 'tamad' on me of course, being his appointed tutor. this of course resulted in him losing all interest in academics, and eventually, the 'low scores' he was getting really became low scores) but i can't help but see that i've actually become a lot like my parents during the years when i was watching over him. i feel terrible that, no matter how hard i tried to insulate him from the childhood that i had, he ended up getting a watered-down version of it - FROM ME.
this is the world i've been living in for more than half a century now. this is why i have so little self esteem. this is also why i more or less know that i'm going to be, though not quite as bad emotionally and psychologically as my parents, a terrible father, unless i somehow manage to completely get over the childhood that i had, and be a completely different kind of parent to my own future offspring - i doubt it, though. i just can't allow myself to pass on the suffering, the hate, the emotional and psychological brokenness that i have. it's weird, but i really do pity those unborn souls. i want to save them.
---
i've talked about leaving the country in a previous post; this is one of the major motivations for that. i just can't, and won't, live my life constantly trying to suppress anger and resentment and hate, and then occasionally exploding. it's very unhealthy, physically and mentally. it's pathetic. lastly, it's holding me back from creating other, more meaningful relationships either because i'm so emotionally drained most of the time, or because i'm afraid of showing people that i'm filled up with so much negativity and hate and angst and utter sadness, or both.
i can't keep on living like that, especially now, at this age. if i die at fifty, them i'm already nearly two years past my half-life. my mind and heart says that i owe it to myself to find happiness in the next 24 years.
which of course leads me to the conclusion that i should fix myself up, to the point where i'm NOT afraid of having offspring... because i just absolutely LOVE children. i'm actually great at relating with them, playing with them, and taking care of them. part of that might be that since i never quite fully became one myself, i'm compensating. it's ironic that one of my biggest ambitions is to be a great father to a child of my own, but now when i'm so close to being able to support such a financial burden, i can't, because a) i don't have a wife or GF, nor will i ever have one in my current state of un-attractiveness and general lack of gentlman-liness (which is intentional because i believe chivalry should die for true gender equality in society), and also lack of interest in any type of romance, and b) i'm so afraid of being a bad parent that i'm actually having nightmares of myself becoming a bad parent.
more than anything, i want to be truly HAPPY, for once. what does true happiness even mean? i see people on facebook with photos looking very happy with their significant other or their family. what does that feel like?
---
so few people are active on livejournal that it's actually liberating.
i get to write things that i wouldn't write before. part of that is because this site has ceased to be the semi-primary social media platform of our generation (at least for those of us during 4th year HS to around 3rd year college, haha). facebook and twitter took that role, and made yahoo messenger obsolete at around the same time. partly it's also because we're all a lot more mature now, and also because we kind of treat this site now as a sort of 'secret', filled with privileged information from the friends we have who've managed to be active in journal-writing for this long. we're not worried that anything we write here will get out to the world at large... it's between US.
or at least i hope you all feel that way as well :))