31st of March
Title: Of Plans and Liars
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: unorderedlist
Pairing: HydexTetsu, KenxYukkie if you squint reaaaally hard
Genre: Drama and fluff in the end
Rating: PG
Synopsis: Hyde had mentioned forever. Tetsu doesn't think it would last.
A strange feeling came over me when you told me you loved me.
We were alone in the studio that night. And you were scared, worried I might reject you. Stumbling over your words as if you've just learned them, you kept on looking somewhere else but me. It was as if you weren't the Hyde we knew. The confidence you always had was gone, replaced by this barely calm man, nervous beyond all doubt. Every word you said was simple but confusing, as if you couldn't find the words to completely convey what you wanted to say. Every movement you did betrayed the turmoil and worry burning inside of you. And so, when you finally said those three special words, I wasn't as shocked as you thought I'd be.
We stared at each other for a few seconds (although you vehemently keep on insisting that it was more than just a few seconds) until you couldn't take it anymore, mumbled a sorry and got up to leave. Now that surprised me. So I hurriedly caught your hand, you stopped but didn't turn around to face me. I had a feeling that you were crying then and although you keep on saying you weren't I believe that you were and for that I felt extremely guilty.
I said, "Doiha... I'm sorry I-,"
"Yeah. Disgusting, huh? I'm sorry too, Tetchan."
You tried to pry your hand from my grip but, "What are you talking about? I said I was sorry for-,"
"I know already! And I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around me! I promise I won't touch you, Tetsu. I'll keep distance so you won't-,"
"Doiha! I didn't mean that! What I wanted to say was-,"
That was when you turned around, frustration and sadness evident in your eyes, a little angry because I wouldn’t let you go, "Tetsu, please! I just want to go home..."
"Well, I don't want you to go home."
You laughed then, darkly, before saying, "Why would you want me here? I thought you didn't accept me-,"
"You're putting words in my mouth, Hyde."
"Oh? Was I?" you replied, bitterness evident in that deep, deep voice of yours.
But I smirked, "Yeah. You were."
You didn't expect that I'd do that. Surprised you asked, "Now you're smirking? This is so unlike you! Are you having fun at my expense? Did you suddenly turn into a sadistic bastard? Are you happy that I love you unrequitedly and I can’t do anything to make you love me back because I love you so much to force you to love me?! Is this the Tetsu I fell in love with?!”
And then silently you wept. Staring at you, I couldn’t say anything because I was too shocked to reply.
“But you know what,” you said, a little more than a whisper, “even if you become the most sadistic bastard in the world…,” looking straight at me, you whispered bitterly, “I don’t think I could ever fall out of love with you.”
Honestly, how would a normal person feel when they've been just told something like that?
I gulped then, knew that you more serious about this than I had thought, and then suddenly, I couldn’t help but cry. The tears just fell; fell so hard and so fast I had to let you go to sit down and compose myself. My shoulders were shaking so hard by the time you noticed me, distracted as you were. And even though I knew you wanted so bad to get out of there you still went around the table, took me by the shoulders and shook me, hard.
Yelling at me, you said, “What the hell is wrong with you?! Why the fuck are you crying so hard?! Am I not the one who’s supposed to be crying my heart out right now?”
But even though you were shaking me hard, I still kept on crying. Frustrated you let go of me, sat down with an exasperated sigh and said, “What the hell am I supposed to do, Tetsu? I don’t know why you’re crying like this! You’re driving me nuts, you know!”
Still, I kept on crying.
So you took my face, cradled it gently between your palms, faced me towards you and gently, sadly, and said, “I hate to see you crying, you know. So please, stop crying Tetchan. I know it’s hard to take it all in. I mean, it took me a long time to accept that I do love you. Most of the time, I was in denial, thought it was just a phase or something. But then, whenever you smiled at me, whenever you cried, whenever you’d sing or dance or eat or whatever, whenever you’d do anything, and I mean anything at all, they all stirred feelings within me I couldn’t explain. I was so confused and yet I had a suspicion what it really was from the very beginning. The thought got me scared, afraid of what damage I’d inflict. It was so hard at first, going through each day with you there, so close and yet so, so, very far at the same time. I… I knew I had to tell you. So I did. And now I know I’ve done the worst thing I could possibly do.”
And then you let your hands fall off to you lap, staring at them you sadly said, “So please, Tetsu. Stop crying. Even if you don’t care how I feel, it really hurts me more to see you cry because of me. So please Tetsu… Please sto-,”
“No!” I said firmly, eyes still brimming with tears, “You stop.”
Taking a deep breath I forced you to face me, “Haido. You’re thinking too much again. You’re reading between the lines. And you’re getting the wrong facts.”
You looked at me, confused, “What? What the hell are you talking about?!”
Seeing you about to get angry again, I couldn’t help it I laughed, laughed so hard tears came out, laughed so hard and so long you must have thought I had gone crazy.
“Tet-,” “Shut up.”
Breathing deeply, I turned to face you, smile still in place, and said, “You’ve been talking all night long it’s become so annoying. You don’t even give me the chance to explain! You butt in whenever I’m talking and you keep on turning away from me.”
Cradling your face gently, I said, “How do you expect me to say, ‘I love you, too’ if you keep on stopping me?”
And when I saw how your face had scrunched up in confusion, turning to surprise and then understanding made me burst into hysterical laughter again.
“Honestly, Haido. You love talking too much.”
“Shut up, Tetsuya. How was I supposed to react to, ‘I’m sorry’ anyway? Isn’t it normal to feel devastated when you hear that? I thought you were going to reject me!”
Laughing, I said, “Hai hai, Haido-sama. I was just gonna say sorry for zoning off like that. Honestly, I had an idea what you were about to say so I wasn’t that surprised when I heard it. But… I guess I just couldn’t find the right words to tell you how I felt so I-,”
This time around, it was you that was laughing hard, “Fuck, Tetsuya! You could’ve at least smiled at me or cried or nodded or whatever! I thought you were disgusted beyond belief but you didn’t want to show it because you’re too nice so you opted to look blank and calm and unshaken and… and… God! That must have been one of the worst experiences of my life!”
“Your worst?”
You smiled at me, and said, “My worst and greatest experience.”
Closing the distance between us, we kissed; soft and sweet and shy at first then deeper, more passionate, more intimate. And then, when we were lying together that night, you whispered lovingly to me, “I promise you, Tetsuya, I’ll forever be yours.”
Smiling, I curled up more beside you, never been as happy as I had been my entire life, “And I, to you. I’ll forever be yours, too, Haido.”
That was how it had been for months, which stretched onto years. Together, we got through days when everything seemed too much to handle, got through Sakura’s mistake without leaving any wounds too deep to heal.
Together we hid everything from everyone.
You told me you wanted to keep us a secret, that you were afraid they’d force us apart. Even Ken didn’t know although there are times that I’m sure he realizes something. You made me promise not to tell anyone, made me promise that during work, we were nothing more than friends and band mates, made me promise that even in public, we shouldn’t be too obvious.
And I agreed. Smiled and said, ‘Yes!’ with so much trust in you.
I guess you didn’t know how much I do love you. Did you know that I must have been in love with you longer than you say you have with me? Did you know that whenever you’re with someone else, whenever you get too friendly with other people, whenever you could sleep a night without me, I hurt? Don’t those people know that we’ve sworn that I belong to you?
And you to me?
You were the one who had the strength and courage to confess first, told me that your love will never, ever change and yet, whenever I come too close to you lately, whenever I fuss over you and worry about you and care for you… You move away.
I got confused and utterly lost and I didn’t know if you still remembered that first night we kissed, that night we laid together for the first time, and of the promises we made as we held each other.
Did you remember those promises when you got married to her, Haido?
You didn’t invite me to your wedding. Nor anyone else, for that matter. I hadn’t believed the rumors because I trusted you more than I trusted myself. And yet, when you came back, with that ringed finger clearly visible, and with everyone patting your back, congratulating you, asking you why the hell you didn’t tell anyone, you didn’t so much as uttered a word about our promise even when we were alone.
‘Was it that simple’, I asked myself, ‘to leave something you’ve shared with someone for such a long time?’
And I thought it was for forever.
I kept silent, though. I watched you come and go with the band, watched you as your solos hit the top charts; waited with you as your first child came out to this world. I was there when you showed your child, eyes sparkling with so much happiness of a proud father. And even then, you still hadn’t said anything about us. It was as if everything we ever shared was nothing more but a dream.
It certainly felt that way.
I realized that keeping silent was probably the worst mistake I made in my life.
____________
I'm on my way to the studio today.
Funny, how everything could suddenly turn disastrous in the blink of an eye.
I never even got to say sayonara.
____________
Hyde, no matter what people say, believed in forever. And so, when he promised Tetsu forever, he meant forever. So when Tetsu accepted his love and when Tetsu made that promise with him, Hyde felt that he had to make it sure that it would last forever.
Hyde, no matter what people say, believed in forever. And so, when he promised Tetsu forever, he meant forever. So when Tetsu accepted his love and when Tetsu made that promise with him, Hyde felt that he had to make it sure that it would be forever.
So Hyde came up with a plan.
He told Tetsu to keep the relationship a secret, lied to him that he was afraid others will tear them apart when in fact he’d be damned what the others thought and that he’d fight for this relationship to the death. He even made sure Ken didn’t know. He made Tetsu promise not to tell anyone, made him promise that during work, they remain as band mates and nothing else. Hyde even made him promise that even outside work, if it was in public, they should still keep a safe distance from each other. Every single one of that was part of his plan. It was flawless, he thought. And he would see to it that the plan would work because it was a plan that would keep his and Tetsu’s relationship safe. And forever. He didn’t tell Tetsu his plan yet. They’ve been together for so long he thought that a few months time away from each other won’t do them harm.
So he left. For a while he left. And when he came back, he was ‘happily married’ with Megumi. This is was still a part of his plan, though. So it wasn’t a big deal when he saw Tetsu look lonely and sad when he showed him his ‘wedding ring’. It was imperative Tetsu didn’t know to make it more realistic. And besides, he reasoned, after this, after all this, they’d tell every one of their friends and family. The public wouldn't know. All the public had know was that he was happily married with Megumi, the woman he ‘had a crush on’ for a long time.
In reality, Megumi was just a really close friend. He had unknowingly spilled all his worries to her when he had drank a little too much one day. After that, she told him that she wanted to make sure her relationship with a non-celebrity secret from public. So she had offered to help. And he took that offer. He bought a pair of rings, diamond, to make it look real. Next, he asked a close friend to forge a wedding certificate for them. And then, that was that, he and Megumi were ‘officially’ married.
The public bought the news. And soon, rumors had spread. He and Megumi are officially married. And that was what mattered, that the public didn’t know anything of his real relationship, of his relationship with his one true love, because it was the public that would indirectly break them apart. He knew that, Megumi knew that, Tetsu knew that. This was the only way they could save themselves the tragedy of having to break up because of society’s stigma.
Tetsu didn’t say anything though. And it worried him. Because if it were him, he’d get angry, yell at him, punch him senseless to make him remember their promise of forever.
When Megumi had given birth to ‘their child’, he had acted the way he was supposed to: like a proud father. It wasn’t his child, though everyone believed it. Megumi’s pregnancy was still part of their plan so now everyone believed that he was a happy family man. And that’s okay because it would distract people from his -and Megumi’s- real relationships. Relationships they both wanted to protect from the public’s prying and judging eyes.
And even if Tetsu didn’t say anything when he had showed him his ‘baby boy’, when Tetsu just smiled at him, told him that he must be happy to have a wonderful family, with that sad, sad look in his eyes, Hyde still didn’t tell him. It would be all over soon, he thought. And after a few more days, they’d finally be able to stay together as he’d promised.
He just had to make sure that everything was perfectly going according to plan.
By the time Hyde had told his family and friends and everyone at the studio of his plan and of his long-time relationship with Tetsu, when they waited for Tetsu to come to congratulate him for keeping things secret from all of them… Tetsu hadn’t come.
He couldn’t have come even if he wanted to.
So, when it was evident that Tetsu wasn't coming, Hyde called Tetsu's phone. To his surprise, there was no answer. He tried calling again and again and again. Even Ken and Yukkie called. But to no avail. They couldn't reach Tetsu.
Sitting down hard on the couch in the studio, Hyde turned on the little TV Tetsu had brought to watch soccer games with. He was beyond worried and if he didn’t calm down he’d panic. And that was something he didn’t want to happen. Panicking wasn’t an option. He had to stay calm and wait patiently for Tetsu.
Suddenly, the phone rang.
One of the staff picked it up. Hyde didn’t mind it though. Tetsu wouldn’t call the studio if something had happened. He’d call Hyde himself. Or Ken or Yukkie if Hyde was busy. So he shifted from channel to channel, looking for a program to keep his mind distracted from worrying too much.
Hyde hadn’t noticed but the staff member who answered the phone went over to Ken and whispered something urgently to him.
And then, the news came on. When he saw the pictures, of cars that had crashed against each other, of people crying at the edge of the road, of his car crushed… He suddenly felt the world darken. He couldn’t focus on what the pretty girl reporting the accident was saying. To him, everything was starting to fall apart.
“Cars crashed at… So many… injured… About… people died… Ogawa Tetsuya, bassist of… found… critical condition…”
Words jumbled in his mind, words answering him why Tetsu hadn’t come that day, where Tetsu was, what had happened. He didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to believe that… that Tetsu could possibly…
Forgetting everything, he hurriedly stood up. Ken, who had heard the news before Hyde had seen it on TV, took hold of him, wrapped strong, strong arms around him, told him to calm down, that Tetsu’ll be all right, that panicking wasn’t good in this situation and that they’ll go there as fast as possible so could you please calm down, Hyde! He hadn’t heard any of those, hadn’t heard Ken trying to comfort him; hadn’t heard the sobs that had started to echo around the room. He wanted to be where Tetsu was, wanted to stay by his side, wanted to keep the promise he had worked so hard to protect.
He realized then, that the promise wasn’t a promise at all without the other person keeping it with him. It shook him terribly hard because he had been so focused on keeping that promise and not on the one thing that made the promise a promise worth keeping.
He had forgotten that the promise wasn’t worth it without Tetsu. And so he cried. Cried hard and long and loud until he felt his strength seep out of him. What was the use of his ‘flawless plan’ without Tetsu? How blind had he been to not have noticed that?!
When he had calmed down, though in truth he felt emptier and bare than calm, he felt Yukkie pull him up, led him towards Ken’s car to get to where Tetsu was. His eyes, though open, were unseeing. He was dazed and shocked and terrified. What was he to do when the worst happens? He had spent so long trying to establish his plan he had missed Tetsu terribly. And then, when he had finally deemed it was okay for them to reveal their relationship, this happened. He had completely forgotten that relationships were meant to be between two people.
When they arrived at the hospital, Hyde could barely walk. It took Ken and Yukkie’s urging to make him walk forward. Hyde didn’t even notice that they’ve arrived to where the hospital kept Tetsu.
The doctor was telling them instructions before coming in but Hyde wasn’t hearing it. Instead, he was focused on Tetsu’s battered face and unmoving form. Tetsu seemed as if he were just sleeping there, albeit lying limp and almost lifeless. Seeing Tetsu like that through the glass, Hyde couldn’t help but feel as if this was some kind of retribution for leaving his lover alone for all those time.
The doctor turned and left, casting a final sorrowful glance at them. Ken turned to him, knew that you hadn’t heard whatever the doctor’s just said. Yukkie had moved closer towards the glass wall, staring at Tetsu’s form, thinking about things unsaid and done. He and Ken had found out about Hyde and Tetsu’s relationship a way, way back. They’ve been together for a long, long time it was impossible not to have noticed. Whenever Tetsu came in the room, Hyde always had that special smile reserved just for him. Whenever Hyde would be late without notice, it was Tetsu who would call Hyde first, worrying as if Hyde had been ‘missing’ for a long time.
But it was in the little things they’d do for each other that made Yukkie realize they were deeply and truly in love. The simple gestures, the looks, the small smiles and whispered conversations; how the littlest touch would make both of them smile at each other, the concern and care whenever one got ill or troubled. It had become all too obvious to him. So when Hyde got married, he seriously had to reassess his thinking. Was everything just a fluke? Did he read wrongly? Was everything he saw and heard nothing more than… nothing? He thought seriously about it. After all, this concerned two of his best friends, if something happened between them it was his duty to help them. Yukkie wanted to help them.
It was when Hyde had become a ‘proud father’ that he was convinced that all his suspicions were correct. It couldn’t have been noticed by anyone who wasn’t a close friend of Tetsu, so to him, the facts were clear. Tetsu had seemed happy for Hyde, but whenever Hyde wasn’t looking, whenever no one was looking, his expression would suddenly turn darker, sadder, as if someone very close to him had gone away.
He talked to Ken that night and found out Ken had had the same suspicions. Something was happening between the two. They tried talking to Tetsu but Tetsu wouldn’t say anything. They tried talking to Hyde but Hyde wouldn’t say anything either. It was frustrating and maddening because no matter what they tried no one told them anything! How could they help them if they didn’t know what the hell was happening?!
It wasn’t until Hyde’s announcement did they found out what everything was all about. Both of them were surprised at first, a little angry that Hyde hadn’t trusted them. But when Hyde had told them that even Tetsu didn’t know, they became a little worried. If Tetsu didn’t know… they couldn’t even begin to imagine how he must have felt when Hyde suddenly got married and had a child.
They told this to Hyde but he just said that everything will be better now.
Even if Yukkie tried, he knew he wouldn’t be able to feel what Hyde’s feeling now. To suddenly lose your most precious person without telling them how much you truly love them… It must be devastating. So he couldn’t really blame Hyde for spacing off like that, couldn’t tell him to calm down and stay strong because Tetsu will be all right. He couldn’t even try telling himself.
So he kept on staring at Tetsu’s sleeping form, hoping that he’d wake up soon. For all of them.
Ken hadn’t thought this was possible. Wasn’t it only yesterday that he and Tetsu had stayed up late at night to finish a song? Wasn’t it only yesterday that he and Tetsu laughed till their stomachs ached at some funny show on TV? It seemed as if, cliché as it sounds, they’ve only just begun.
Looking at Hyde, Ken couldn’t help but sigh in despair. If they lose Tetsu, most probably, they’d lose Hyde as well. It seemed as if Hyde had just realized what shit he’d done to Tetsu. Ken didn’t know whether he should be angry at Hyde for treating Tetsu so carelessly like that. Or be saddened. Hyde’s ‘plan’ had been stupid to say the least. Ken had a lot to say about it but he had no idea where to start. For one, Hyde could have at least told Tetsu. If Tetsu had known, maybe it wouldn’t have been this bad.
So Ken walked towards Hyde, took him by the shoulders and pushed him inside Tetsu’s room. The doctor only allowed one of them to go at a time and Ken knew that out of all of them it was Hyde that needed this most. Closing the door silently behind Hyde, Ken walked to where Yukkie was and silently held him.
____________
Hyde had wanted to believe this was nothing more than a nightmare. Seeing Tetsu up close, though, told him that no matter how hard he wished it was, this is what’s real. Slowly, he moved forward. Ending up at Tetsu’s side, he stared at his lover’s fragile form.
It wasn’t as bad as he thought. Tetsu would come out of this unscarred, that is, if he woke up. Taking Tetsu’s hand in his own, he wept silently. He didn’t want to think about the if’s anymore. He knew they’d be too many to count and too depressing to handle. Hyde realized then, that no matter what happened, he didn’t care what people said about his love, realized that his plan wasn’t needed at all. He had been paranoid and stupid and look what happened now, Haido!
So Hyde prayed. Prayed long and hard to the Kami he knew was there. Prayed and begged Him to find Tetsu and bring him back, to remind him of their forgotten promise of forever: that Hyde was his, and he was Hyde’s.
And soon, with Hyde silently holding Tetsu’s hand praying to whatever Kami was up there, the time to leave had come.
A month passed, then two. The routine was always the same. The three of them would be there always, staying by Tetsu’s side while the others rest. Sometimes, it was as if Tetsu wouldn’t be waking up at all.
And then, out of the blue, Tetsu woke up. He just suddenly opened his eyes and sat up. His wounds weren’t that bad at all, even if the news did say he was in critical condition. Hyde didn’t know whether he should be extremely happy or nervous. With Tetsu’s waking up, he had to face the terrible reality that it was his fault Tetsu had been alone for a long time. Ken and Yukkie had both told him that Tetsu had been quite depressed, unnoticeable to those who didn’t know him that well, when Hyde had been implementing his ‘plan’.
Hyde had avoided seeing Tetsu for while. Ken and Yukkie noticed this, told Hyde that he had to face Tetsu sooner or later and that there were times that Tetsu asked for him. Hyde was surprised when they told him Tetsu wanted to see him because if it were him in Tetsu’s place, he certainly wouldn’t want to see himself.
It was when Ken had to go home and feed Elizabeth and when Yukkie took a cigarette break that Hyde was forced to talk to Tetsu. The room was silent and so uncomfortable Hyde fidgeted a lot. It wasn’t until Tetsu’s weak, “Hi,” did Hyde break out of his reverie. He had to tell him.
“Hello.”
Tetsu smiled a little smile and nodded in response.
“Tetchan,” Hyde began, tension starting to fill in, “I… I’m sorry.”
Tetsu looked confusedly at him, “Sorry for what? For this?” he said, pointing at his wounds, “It isn’t your fault, Haido. I was just careless.”
But Hyde shook his head, “No. Not that.”
Tetsu knew what Hyde was trying to say. Still, it didn’t mean he wanted to hear whatever Hyde wanted to say. It hurt him to think that Hyde hadn’t been his, that Hyde had forgotten their promise. So chuckling, he said, “Then what?”
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“Sorry for not telling me what?”
“That… That my marriage with Megumi was forged, that my son isn’t my son at all, that I’ve been lying to you ever since I came back married. Sorry I left you alone and confused and lost and I’m that such a fucking retard for ever thinking that getting married with a woman, having a child and being a father would solve a problem that hadn’t existed in the first place. I’m sorry you had to go through times without me, sorry for letting you down, for making you sad, for leaving your side. I’ve been so stupid so I’m sorry. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you won’t forgive me. Even I wouldn’t forgive myself! When I saw the news two months ago, I suddenly realized that nothing is worth it without you and I… I just-,”
He couldn’t continue talking then. All the tears he had kept had begun to rush out, all his worries and fears and regrets began to overwhelm him, so much that he couldn’t do anything else but cry. So he stood there, crying his heart out, trying his best to speak again, afraid his words a while ago hadn’t made sense to Tetsu, afraid that what he said wasn’t enough to explain himself.
Hyde cried and cried until he felt warm, strong arms envelop him in a tight hug. Surprised, he looked to see who had him in an embrace, saw Tetsu and cried even harder. He had believed that, with Tetsu’s silence, Tetsu had rejected his apology. It shocked him to find himself in his lover’s arms, astonished once again by Tetsu’s unending kindness.
“Tetchan… I… I’m really-,”
“Wakarimashita, Haido. It’s been such a rough ride without you. Seeing you getting married without an explanation, seeing you be proud of your ‘son’ without so much as a word about us… They all hurt me so deeply. I’m not sure if I can forgive you yet, so please, give me some time.”
Hyde had expected worse. Hearing Tetsu say that made him feel happiness beyond words. He held Tetsu tighter, closer to him, afraid he’d lose him for real. It wasn’t until Tetsu’s laughter and pained, “Not too tight Haido,” did Hyde let go.
Brushing away stray tears away from his lover’s beautiful eyes, Hyde whispered, “This time, I swear to you, I’ll never let you go.”
Tetsu only laughed, bright and cheerful and real, wiped the tears that had started to come out and said, “You better. Coz if there’s one thing I hate most in the world, its liars and people who break their promises. If you do that to me again, I swear next time, I won’t be so forgiving.”
Looking seriously at Tetsu, Hyde lovingly smiled and said, “I know. I know.”
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: unorderedlist
Pairing: HydexTetsu, KenxYukkie if you squint reaaaally hard
Genre: Drama and fluff in the end
Rating: PG
Synopsis: Hyde had mentioned forever. Tetsu doesn't think it would last.
A strange feeling came over me when you told me you loved me.
We were alone in the studio that night. And you were scared, worried I might reject you. Stumbling over your words as if you've just learned them, you kept on looking somewhere else but me. It was as if you weren't the Hyde we knew. The confidence you always had was gone, replaced by this barely calm man, nervous beyond all doubt. Every word you said was simple but confusing, as if you couldn't find the words to completely convey what you wanted to say. Every movement you did betrayed the turmoil and worry burning inside of you. And so, when you finally said those three special words, I wasn't as shocked as you thought I'd be.
We stared at each other for a few seconds (although you vehemently keep on insisting that it was more than just a few seconds) until you couldn't take it anymore, mumbled a sorry and got up to leave. Now that surprised me. So I hurriedly caught your hand, you stopped but didn't turn around to face me. I had a feeling that you were crying then and although you keep on saying you weren't I believe that you were and for that I felt extremely guilty.
I said, "Doiha... I'm sorry I-,"
"Yeah. Disgusting, huh? I'm sorry too, Tetchan."
You tried to pry your hand from my grip but, "What are you talking about? I said I was sorry for-,"
"I know already! And I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around me! I promise I won't touch you, Tetsu. I'll keep distance so you won't-,"
"Doiha! I didn't mean that! What I wanted to say was-,"
That was when you turned around, frustration and sadness evident in your eyes, a little angry because I wouldn’t let you go, "Tetsu, please! I just want to go home..."
"Well, I don't want you to go home."
You laughed then, darkly, before saying, "Why would you want me here? I thought you didn't accept me-,"
"You're putting words in my mouth, Hyde."
"Oh? Was I?" you replied, bitterness evident in that deep, deep voice of yours.
But I smirked, "Yeah. You were."
You didn't expect that I'd do that. Surprised you asked, "Now you're smirking? This is so unlike you! Are you having fun at my expense? Did you suddenly turn into a sadistic bastard? Are you happy that I love you unrequitedly and I can’t do anything to make you love me back because I love you so much to force you to love me?! Is this the Tetsu I fell in love with?!”
And then silently you wept. Staring at you, I couldn’t say anything because I was too shocked to reply.
“But you know what,” you said, a little more than a whisper, “even if you become the most sadistic bastard in the world…,” looking straight at me, you whispered bitterly, “I don’t think I could ever fall out of love with you.”
Honestly, how would a normal person feel when they've been just told something like that?
I gulped then, knew that you more serious about this than I had thought, and then suddenly, I couldn’t help but cry. The tears just fell; fell so hard and so fast I had to let you go to sit down and compose myself. My shoulders were shaking so hard by the time you noticed me, distracted as you were. And even though I knew you wanted so bad to get out of there you still went around the table, took me by the shoulders and shook me, hard.
Yelling at me, you said, “What the hell is wrong with you?! Why the fuck are you crying so hard?! Am I not the one who’s supposed to be crying my heart out right now?”
But even though you were shaking me hard, I still kept on crying. Frustrated you let go of me, sat down with an exasperated sigh and said, “What the hell am I supposed to do, Tetsu? I don’t know why you’re crying like this! You’re driving me nuts, you know!”
Still, I kept on crying.
So you took my face, cradled it gently between your palms, faced me towards you and gently, sadly, and said, “I hate to see you crying, you know. So please, stop crying Tetchan. I know it’s hard to take it all in. I mean, it took me a long time to accept that I do love you. Most of the time, I was in denial, thought it was just a phase or something. But then, whenever you smiled at me, whenever you cried, whenever you’d sing or dance or eat or whatever, whenever you’d do anything, and I mean anything at all, they all stirred feelings within me I couldn’t explain. I was so confused and yet I had a suspicion what it really was from the very beginning. The thought got me scared, afraid of what damage I’d inflict. It was so hard at first, going through each day with you there, so close and yet so, so, very far at the same time. I… I knew I had to tell you. So I did. And now I know I’ve done the worst thing I could possibly do.”
And then you let your hands fall off to you lap, staring at them you sadly said, “So please, Tetsu. Stop crying. Even if you don’t care how I feel, it really hurts me more to see you cry because of me. So please Tetsu… Please sto-,”
“No!” I said firmly, eyes still brimming with tears, “You stop.”
Taking a deep breath I forced you to face me, “Haido. You’re thinking too much again. You’re reading between the lines. And you’re getting the wrong facts.”
You looked at me, confused, “What? What the hell are you talking about?!”
Seeing you about to get angry again, I couldn’t help it I laughed, laughed so hard tears came out, laughed so hard and so long you must have thought I had gone crazy.
“Tet-,” “Shut up.”
Breathing deeply, I turned to face you, smile still in place, and said, “You’ve been talking all night long it’s become so annoying. You don’t even give me the chance to explain! You butt in whenever I’m talking and you keep on turning away from me.”
Cradling your face gently, I said, “How do you expect me to say, ‘I love you, too’ if you keep on stopping me?”
And when I saw how your face had scrunched up in confusion, turning to surprise and then understanding made me burst into hysterical laughter again.
“Honestly, Haido. You love talking too much.”
“Shut up, Tetsuya. How was I supposed to react to, ‘I’m sorry’ anyway? Isn’t it normal to feel devastated when you hear that? I thought you were going to reject me!”
Laughing, I said, “Hai hai, Haido-sama. I was just gonna say sorry for zoning off like that. Honestly, I had an idea what you were about to say so I wasn’t that surprised when I heard it. But… I guess I just couldn’t find the right words to tell you how I felt so I-,”
This time around, it was you that was laughing hard, “Fuck, Tetsuya! You could’ve at least smiled at me or cried or nodded or whatever! I thought you were disgusted beyond belief but you didn’t want to show it because you’re too nice so you opted to look blank and calm and unshaken and… and… God! That must have been one of the worst experiences of my life!”
“Your worst?”
You smiled at me, and said, “My worst and greatest experience.”
Closing the distance between us, we kissed; soft and sweet and shy at first then deeper, more passionate, more intimate. And then, when we were lying together that night, you whispered lovingly to me, “I promise you, Tetsuya, I’ll forever be yours.”
Smiling, I curled up more beside you, never been as happy as I had been my entire life, “And I, to you. I’ll forever be yours, too, Haido.”
That was how it had been for months, which stretched onto years. Together, we got through days when everything seemed too much to handle, got through Sakura’s mistake without leaving any wounds too deep to heal.
Together we hid everything from everyone.
You told me you wanted to keep us a secret, that you were afraid they’d force us apart. Even Ken didn’t know although there are times that I’m sure he realizes something. You made me promise not to tell anyone, made me promise that during work, we were nothing more than friends and band mates, made me promise that even in public, we shouldn’t be too obvious.
And I agreed. Smiled and said, ‘Yes!’ with so much trust in you.
I guess you didn’t know how much I do love you. Did you know that I must have been in love with you longer than you say you have with me? Did you know that whenever you’re with someone else, whenever you get too friendly with other people, whenever you could sleep a night without me, I hurt? Don’t those people know that we’ve sworn that I belong to you?
And you to me?
You were the one who had the strength and courage to confess first, told me that your love will never, ever change and yet, whenever I come too close to you lately, whenever I fuss over you and worry about you and care for you… You move away.
I got confused and utterly lost and I didn’t know if you still remembered that first night we kissed, that night we laid together for the first time, and of the promises we made as we held each other.
Did you remember those promises when you got married to her, Haido?
You didn’t invite me to your wedding. Nor anyone else, for that matter. I hadn’t believed the rumors because I trusted you more than I trusted myself. And yet, when you came back, with that ringed finger clearly visible, and with everyone patting your back, congratulating you, asking you why the hell you didn’t tell anyone, you didn’t so much as uttered a word about our promise even when we were alone.
‘Was it that simple’, I asked myself, ‘to leave something you’ve shared with someone for such a long time?’
And I thought it was for forever.
I kept silent, though. I watched you come and go with the band, watched you as your solos hit the top charts; waited with you as your first child came out to this world. I was there when you showed your child, eyes sparkling with so much happiness of a proud father. And even then, you still hadn’t said anything about us. It was as if everything we ever shared was nothing more but a dream.
It certainly felt that way.
I realized that keeping silent was probably the worst mistake I made in my life.
____________
I'm on my way to the studio today.
Funny, how everything could suddenly turn disastrous in the blink of an eye.
I never even got to say sayonara.
____________
Hyde, no matter what people say, believed in forever. And so, when he promised Tetsu forever, he meant forever. So when Tetsu accepted his love and when Tetsu made that promise with him, Hyde felt that he had to make it sure that it would last forever.
Hyde, no matter what people say, believed in forever. And so, when he promised Tetsu forever, he meant forever. So when Tetsu accepted his love and when Tetsu made that promise with him, Hyde felt that he had to make it sure that it would be forever.
So Hyde came up with a plan.
He told Tetsu to keep the relationship a secret, lied to him that he was afraid others will tear them apart when in fact he’d be damned what the others thought and that he’d fight for this relationship to the death. He even made sure Ken didn’t know. He made Tetsu promise not to tell anyone, made him promise that during work, they remain as band mates and nothing else. Hyde even made him promise that even outside work, if it was in public, they should still keep a safe distance from each other. Every single one of that was part of his plan. It was flawless, he thought. And he would see to it that the plan would work because it was a plan that would keep his and Tetsu’s relationship safe. And forever. He didn’t tell Tetsu his plan yet. They’ve been together for so long he thought that a few months time away from each other won’t do them harm.
So he left. For a while he left. And when he came back, he was ‘happily married’ with Megumi. This is was still a part of his plan, though. So it wasn’t a big deal when he saw Tetsu look lonely and sad when he showed him his ‘wedding ring’. It was imperative Tetsu didn’t know to make it more realistic. And besides, he reasoned, after this, after all this, they’d tell every one of their friends and family. The public wouldn't know. All the public had know was that he was happily married with Megumi, the woman he ‘had a crush on’ for a long time.
In reality, Megumi was just a really close friend. He had unknowingly spilled all his worries to her when he had drank a little too much one day. After that, she told him that she wanted to make sure her relationship with a non-celebrity secret from public. So she had offered to help. And he took that offer. He bought a pair of rings, diamond, to make it look real. Next, he asked a close friend to forge a wedding certificate for them. And then, that was that, he and Megumi were ‘officially’ married.
The public bought the news. And soon, rumors had spread. He and Megumi are officially married. And that was what mattered, that the public didn’t know anything of his real relationship, of his relationship with his one true love, because it was the public that would indirectly break them apart. He knew that, Megumi knew that, Tetsu knew that. This was the only way they could save themselves the tragedy of having to break up because of society’s stigma.
Tetsu didn’t say anything though. And it worried him. Because if it were him, he’d get angry, yell at him, punch him senseless to make him remember their promise of forever.
When Megumi had given birth to ‘their child’, he had acted the way he was supposed to: like a proud father. It wasn’t his child, though everyone believed it. Megumi’s pregnancy was still part of their plan so now everyone believed that he was a happy family man. And that’s okay because it would distract people from his -and Megumi’s- real relationships. Relationships they both wanted to protect from the public’s prying and judging eyes.
And even if Tetsu didn’t say anything when he had showed him his ‘baby boy’, when Tetsu just smiled at him, told him that he must be happy to have a wonderful family, with that sad, sad look in his eyes, Hyde still didn’t tell him. It would be all over soon, he thought. And after a few more days, they’d finally be able to stay together as he’d promised.
He just had to make sure that everything was perfectly going according to plan.
By the time Hyde had told his family and friends and everyone at the studio of his plan and of his long-time relationship with Tetsu, when they waited for Tetsu to come to congratulate him for keeping things secret from all of them… Tetsu hadn’t come.
He couldn’t have come even if he wanted to.
So, when it was evident that Tetsu wasn't coming, Hyde called Tetsu's phone. To his surprise, there was no answer. He tried calling again and again and again. Even Ken and Yukkie called. But to no avail. They couldn't reach Tetsu.
Sitting down hard on the couch in the studio, Hyde turned on the little TV Tetsu had brought to watch soccer games with. He was beyond worried and if he didn’t calm down he’d panic. And that was something he didn’t want to happen. Panicking wasn’t an option. He had to stay calm and wait patiently for Tetsu.
Suddenly, the phone rang.
One of the staff picked it up. Hyde didn’t mind it though. Tetsu wouldn’t call the studio if something had happened. He’d call Hyde himself. Or Ken or Yukkie if Hyde was busy. So he shifted from channel to channel, looking for a program to keep his mind distracted from worrying too much.
Hyde hadn’t noticed but the staff member who answered the phone went over to Ken and whispered something urgently to him.
And then, the news came on. When he saw the pictures, of cars that had crashed against each other, of people crying at the edge of the road, of his car crushed… He suddenly felt the world darken. He couldn’t focus on what the pretty girl reporting the accident was saying. To him, everything was starting to fall apart.
“Cars crashed at… So many… injured… About… people died… Ogawa Tetsuya, bassist of… found… critical condition…”
Words jumbled in his mind, words answering him why Tetsu hadn’t come that day, where Tetsu was, what had happened. He didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to believe that… that Tetsu could possibly…
Forgetting everything, he hurriedly stood up. Ken, who had heard the news before Hyde had seen it on TV, took hold of him, wrapped strong, strong arms around him, told him to calm down, that Tetsu’ll be all right, that panicking wasn’t good in this situation and that they’ll go there as fast as possible so could you please calm down, Hyde! He hadn’t heard any of those, hadn’t heard Ken trying to comfort him; hadn’t heard the sobs that had started to echo around the room. He wanted to be where Tetsu was, wanted to stay by his side, wanted to keep the promise he had worked so hard to protect.
He realized then, that the promise wasn’t a promise at all without the other person keeping it with him. It shook him terribly hard because he had been so focused on keeping that promise and not on the one thing that made the promise a promise worth keeping.
He had forgotten that the promise wasn’t worth it without Tetsu. And so he cried. Cried hard and long and loud until he felt his strength seep out of him. What was the use of his ‘flawless plan’ without Tetsu? How blind had he been to not have noticed that?!
When he had calmed down, though in truth he felt emptier and bare than calm, he felt Yukkie pull him up, led him towards Ken’s car to get to where Tetsu was. His eyes, though open, were unseeing. He was dazed and shocked and terrified. What was he to do when the worst happens? He had spent so long trying to establish his plan he had missed Tetsu terribly. And then, when he had finally deemed it was okay for them to reveal their relationship, this happened. He had completely forgotten that relationships were meant to be between two people.
When they arrived at the hospital, Hyde could barely walk. It took Ken and Yukkie’s urging to make him walk forward. Hyde didn’t even notice that they’ve arrived to where the hospital kept Tetsu.
The doctor was telling them instructions before coming in but Hyde wasn’t hearing it. Instead, he was focused on Tetsu’s battered face and unmoving form. Tetsu seemed as if he were just sleeping there, albeit lying limp and almost lifeless. Seeing Tetsu like that through the glass, Hyde couldn’t help but feel as if this was some kind of retribution for leaving his lover alone for all those time.
The doctor turned and left, casting a final sorrowful glance at them. Ken turned to him, knew that you hadn’t heard whatever the doctor’s just said. Yukkie had moved closer towards the glass wall, staring at Tetsu’s form, thinking about things unsaid and done. He and Ken had found out about Hyde and Tetsu’s relationship a way, way back. They’ve been together for a long, long time it was impossible not to have noticed. Whenever Tetsu came in the room, Hyde always had that special smile reserved just for him. Whenever Hyde would be late without notice, it was Tetsu who would call Hyde first, worrying as if Hyde had been ‘missing’ for a long time.
But it was in the little things they’d do for each other that made Yukkie realize they were deeply and truly in love. The simple gestures, the looks, the small smiles and whispered conversations; how the littlest touch would make both of them smile at each other, the concern and care whenever one got ill or troubled. It had become all too obvious to him. So when Hyde got married, he seriously had to reassess his thinking. Was everything just a fluke? Did he read wrongly? Was everything he saw and heard nothing more than… nothing? He thought seriously about it. After all, this concerned two of his best friends, if something happened between them it was his duty to help them. Yukkie wanted to help them.
It was when Hyde had become a ‘proud father’ that he was convinced that all his suspicions were correct. It couldn’t have been noticed by anyone who wasn’t a close friend of Tetsu, so to him, the facts were clear. Tetsu had seemed happy for Hyde, but whenever Hyde wasn’t looking, whenever no one was looking, his expression would suddenly turn darker, sadder, as if someone very close to him had gone away.
He talked to Ken that night and found out Ken had had the same suspicions. Something was happening between the two. They tried talking to Tetsu but Tetsu wouldn’t say anything. They tried talking to Hyde but Hyde wouldn’t say anything either. It was frustrating and maddening because no matter what they tried no one told them anything! How could they help them if they didn’t know what the hell was happening?!
It wasn’t until Hyde’s announcement did they found out what everything was all about. Both of them were surprised at first, a little angry that Hyde hadn’t trusted them. But when Hyde had told them that even Tetsu didn’t know, they became a little worried. If Tetsu didn’t know… they couldn’t even begin to imagine how he must have felt when Hyde suddenly got married and had a child.
They told this to Hyde but he just said that everything will be better now.
Even if Yukkie tried, he knew he wouldn’t be able to feel what Hyde’s feeling now. To suddenly lose your most precious person without telling them how much you truly love them… It must be devastating. So he couldn’t really blame Hyde for spacing off like that, couldn’t tell him to calm down and stay strong because Tetsu will be all right. He couldn’t even try telling himself.
So he kept on staring at Tetsu’s sleeping form, hoping that he’d wake up soon. For all of them.
Ken hadn’t thought this was possible. Wasn’t it only yesterday that he and Tetsu had stayed up late at night to finish a song? Wasn’t it only yesterday that he and Tetsu laughed till their stomachs ached at some funny show on TV? It seemed as if, cliché as it sounds, they’ve only just begun.
Looking at Hyde, Ken couldn’t help but sigh in despair. If they lose Tetsu, most probably, they’d lose Hyde as well. It seemed as if Hyde had just realized what shit he’d done to Tetsu. Ken didn’t know whether he should be angry at Hyde for treating Tetsu so carelessly like that. Or be saddened. Hyde’s ‘plan’ had been stupid to say the least. Ken had a lot to say about it but he had no idea where to start. For one, Hyde could have at least told Tetsu. If Tetsu had known, maybe it wouldn’t have been this bad.
So Ken walked towards Hyde, took him by the shoulders and pushed him inside Tetsu’s room. The doctor only allowed one of them to go at a time and Ken knew that out of all of them it was Hyde that needed this most. Closing the door silently behind Hyde, Ken walked to where Yukkie was and silently held him.
____________
Hyde had wanted to believe this was nothing more than a nightmare. Seeing Tetsu up close, though, told him that no matter how hard he wished it was, this is what’s real. Slowly, he moved forward. Ending up at Tetsu’s side, he stared at his lover’s fragile form.
It wasn’t as bad as he thought. Tetsu would come out of this unscarred, that is, if he woke up. Taking Tetsu’s hand in his own, he wept silently. He didn’t want to think about the if’s anymore. He knew they’d be too many to count and too depressing to handle. Hyde realized then, that no matter what happened, he didn’t care what people said about his love, realized that his plan wasn’t needed at all. He had been paranoid and stupid and look what happened now, Haido!
So Hyde prayed. Prayed long and hard to the Kami he knew was there. Prayed and begged Him to find Tetsu and bring him back, to remind him of their forgotten promise of forever: that Hyde was his, and he was Hyde’s.
And soon, with Hyde silently holding Tetsu’s hand praying to whatever Kami was up there, the time to leave had come.
A month passed, then two. The routine was always the same. The three of them would be there always, staying by Tetsu’s side while the others rest. Sometimes, it was as if Tetsu wouldn’t be waking up at all.
And then, out of the blue, Tetsu woke up. He just suddenly opened his eyes and sat up. His wounds weren’t that bad at all, even if the news did say he was in critical condition. Hyde didn’t know whether he should be extremely happy or nervous. With Tetsu’s waking up, he had to face the terrible reality that it was his fault Tetsu had been alone for a long time. Ken and Yukkie had both told him that Tetsu had been quite depressed, unnoticeable to those who didn’t know him that well, when Hyde had been implementing his ‘plan’.
Hyde had avoided seeing Tetsu for while. Ken and Yukkie noticed this, told Hyde that he had to face Tetsu sooner or later and that there were times that Tetsu asked for him. Hyde was surprised when they told him Tetsu wanted to see him because if it were him in Tetsu’s place, he certainly wouldn’t want to see himself.
It was when Ken had to go home and feed Elizabeth and when Yukkie took a cigarette break that Hyde was forced to talk to Tetsu. The room was silent and so uncomfortable Hyde fidgeted a lot. It wasn’t until Tetsu’s weak, “Hi,” did Hyde break out of his reverie. He had to tell him.
“Hello.”
Tetsu smiled a little smile and nodded in response.
“Tetchan,” Hyde began, tension starting to fill in, “I… I’m sorry.”
Tetsu looked confusedly at him, “Sorry for what? For this?” he said, pointing at his wounds, “It isn’t your fault, Haido. I was just careless.”
But Hyde shook his head, “No. Not that.”
Tetsu knew what Hyde was trying to say. Still, it didn’t mean he wanted to hear whatever Hyde wanted to say. It hurt him to think that Hyde hadn’t been his, that Hyde had forgotten their promise. So chuckling, he said, “Then what?”
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“Sorry for not telling me what?”
“That… That my marriage with Megumi was forged, that my son isn’t my son at all, that I’ve been lying to you ever since I came back married. Sorry I left you alone and confused and lost and I’m that such a fucking retard for ever thinking that getting married with a woman, having a child and being a father would solve a problem that hadn’t existed in the first place. I’m sorry you had to go through times without me, sorry for letting you down, for making you sad, for leaving your side. I’ve been so stupid so I’m sorry. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you won’t forgive me. Even I wouldn’t forgive myself! When I saw the news two months ago, I suddenly realized that nothing is worth it without you and I… I just-,”
He couldn’t continue talking then. All the tears he had kept had begun to rush out, all his worries and fears and regrets began to overwhelm him, so much that he couldn’t do anything else but cry. So he stood there, crying his heart out, trying his best to speak again, afraid his words a while ago hadn’t made sense to Tetsu, afraid that what he said wasn’t enough to explain himself.
Hyde cried and cried until he felt warm, strong arms envelop him in a tight hug. Surprised, he looked to see who had him in an embrace, saw Tetsu and cried even harder. He had believed that, with Tetsu’s silence, Tetsu had rejected his apology. It shocked him to find himself in his lover’s arms, astonished once again by Tetsu’s unending kindness.
“Tetchan… I… I’m really-,”
“Wakarimashita, Haido. It’s been such a rough ride without you. Seeing you getting married without an explanation, seeing you be proud of your ‘son’ without so much as a word about us… They all hurt me so deeply. I’m not sure if I can forgive you yet, so please, give me some time.”
Hyde had expected worse. Hearing Tetsu say that made him feel happiness beyond words. He held Tetsu tighter, closer to him, afraid he’d lose him for real. It wasn’t until Tetsu’s laughter and pained, “Not too tight Haido,” did Hyde let go.
Brushing away stray tears away from his lover’s beautiful eyes, Hyde whispered, “This time, I swear to you, I’ll never let you go.”
Tetsu only laughed, bright and cheerful and real, wiped the tears that had started to come out and said, “You better. Coz if there’s one thing I hate most in the world, its liars and people who break their promises. If you do that to me again, I swear next time, I won’t be so forgiving.”
Looking seriously at Tetsu, Hyde lovingly smiled and said, “I know. I know.”