A New Beginning
It has been eight years since I have written in this journal of sorts. I guess I should start off by stating that I am beyond happy to be living in Oakland with my husband.
I will admit that I went down the rabbit hole of posts throughout my High School years leading up until my big move to Berkeley in 2010. It's difficult to read about how unhappy, or even depressed I was back then, and as I think about how that felt so many years ago, I cannot help but feel beyond grateful to be living the life that I do now. Not that it's perfect or anything, but it is definitely beyond the chaos that once was my life. I think that's one of the reasons that I jumped on here again. I started seeing a therapist who is super amazing! She does somatic work as well as specializes in working with those who have suffered trauma. I have only been to three sessions so far, but I can tell that she is invested in assisting me in finding where certain trauma lives, not just in my mind but in my body, so that I can heal all aspects of trauma that remain present whether or not I recognize them. This is important if not crucial work that I feel I must do before Marco and I start a family. The plan is to start trying after next summer 2019. I am beyond thrilled, yet also extremely cautious. I cannot help but fear that my personal baggage is very likely to affect my future children if I am not proactive in doing something about it. Luckily I have Marco who is the most sincere and incredible person. He understand me as a person, and what he does not understand in regards to my past, or how I might feel about things, he does not pretend to understand. He is patient, caring, and hears me out. He hears every word. He knows my heart, yet he does not hesitate to call me out when I'm being unreasonable or when I fail to see someone else's perspective. I am beyond blessed when it comes to him and our life together!
Then there's my parents. Whom I love. But it's complicated. As I went through and read all of my posts it made me face the truth. I am still a child while in their presence. Or at least to them I am. I have not successfully created the boundaries that I have sought after. I fold when either of them gets too intense. I become numb at times and am unsure of how to process how I am feeling....
And it's getting late. Until next time.