Oh no, I've written...again.
Seeing how its another 5am and I'm yet again awake, I feel as though I should write down something due to the influx of thoughts on my part as of late.
I'll admit this break has been harder on me mentally then any other event I've recently experienced. Three weeks of staying in a place which is called home, but feels so distant is tedious. Aside from a slew of comics, action figures, and my own bed (and my cat of course) I really don't feel the connection to the location of these things. The geography means little to me. I've never been one to connect to a place as much as I make connections to the people I'm with. I used to love it here since it was all I knew. My friends, family, and girlfriend were all within a fifteen minute drive of mine. I lived in a happy bubble that was realized and popped the first time I moved away. When I'm not home my family is still there for me as well as any friends I've left behind if I need them. The biggest pin to my bubble was meeting people I'd consider my best friends who live anywhere from five hours to a five or more days drive away. All in all I'm ready to move somewhere new and make a start for me there.
I've never had to deal with distance in a relationship before. Whitney was always either right next to me or a short drive away. It was easy and convenient. Now, there is no way for a surprise visit or just a quick hello when we are home. It sucks, and is hard, but I've also realized now after three weeks of stressing, it's not a big deal. I'm paranoid. That was the problem. I'm also an optimist. Problem number two. I was figuring out the worst things that could happen and trying to make the best of those situations in my head. I became defensive and fearful of an enemy that I created. Though it all I was losing sight of the bigger picture. Whatever happens, I'm confident in the feelings we have for each other to make it that much better. Having a few conversations about my feelings of loneliness this break, I received some amazing advice. First off, it was amazingly pointed out to me that being away "gets hella lonely. All you want to do is hang out for a few hours but its totally impossible and its unfair feeling because everyone that’s near them gets to see them but you don't" but in the end you "gotta work with what you got yo." Amazing well put. It made me realize that my biggest fear was nothing at all. It was just that I was still in the "I hope this works out" not the "everything will be fine if we have a few problems" stage, which after realizing, bodes much better with me, and eliminated much of my worries. Lastly, on this subject, I've realized the importance of good communication. This communication isn't the need to talk to someone hours on end about nothing, it’s the letting other people know how you feel. It may be a sit down talk about what has been stressing you out, or it may just be the way they can look at you and warm up every inch of you with there "the world is ok since we're here together" smile. As long as we can have communication, problems and crisis can't arise.
I invest a lot of myself into other people, when I finally give I give all of myself up, and I get scared when I feel like I have no one to go to. Loneliness is my biggest fear by far, but I've never really let that influence any decisions. In can add to my paranoia about situations and make me act in ways I later regret, however. If I feel left alone I tend to force myself on others for recognition. It's really not fair to anyone in the end. Even when things are fine, I need reassurance I guess. I'm working to correct this by just enjoying the moments. I've come a long ways in a few short weeks with this, but I still have a ways to go. I will however always be an advocate of a random act of kindness, an unexpected phone call just because someone was thinking of someone, or the other unexpected act of love.
I've realized over break as well, I'm comfortable being me. I still have a few kinks to work out, but as a whole I'm really happy with the person I've become. I have my flaws, but I recognize and work through them, and I also have my strong points. Also, I'm very content with the people who accept me for what I am and still love me.
To Eli, Whitney, Ant, Brent, Ann, Jared, and anyone else I can go to if I need help:
My friendships mean a lot to me. No matter what I or you will go though, I'll treat all my friendships as my most valuable possession. Sure I may be a dick to you, or you might be one to me, in the end there is a reason we are friends. If that reason is strong enough it will last through anything. I love all of you.
Quick response to Brent's earlier post. (since that was my inspiration for this)
I know we never see eye to eye it seems on points of view, but I think that’s why I value your friendship so much. I'd hate to be friends with me, and can respect anyone who does it for pleasure. But...
"Relationships"- I actually whole heartedly agree with you. Stress should never be made out of a relationship. If it is, either you are going about things wrong, or something is really amiss. Good points, you helped me out more then you could realize here.
"Me? I'm socially dumb"- Here's where I differ from you. I have my close friends, and my not so close, but I'd never change to make a stranger happy as well. I'm much more of the social butterfly. I think it helps me stay connected with who I am in the world if I know what the world is like. I'm also pretty good at reading people because of this. Feelings rarely catch me completely out of the blue (even though it HAS happened once...). But honestly I only know that works for me and I really respect you doing what works for you.
"Fear and the unknown and Fear of death"- I don't fear death as much as I fear the pain of dying. If I could be dead without dying I'm sure I'd be much happier about it. I don't really think about what happens after death, since I feel I really don't have any say in the subject. I think the tick put it best when he said "Hey, now, no one's sayin' that death isn't sad! But it's also the Mount Everest of Life! And I say when your time comes, climb it! Who knows what wonders may lay at the icy summit of Death Mountain? Might be nice up there! And think of...all the people that've gone before ya! You may get to shake hands with some of the greatest minds in human history! Then again, I dunno, maybe death's just Nature's way of sayin'... 'Try again.' " Either way, I'll just keep living like I do, not sure if tomorrow will come, but hoping it will, since I have some things I have to do.
"Regrets"- I’m in total agreement here. Good job summarizing it all!
In conclusion, live is pretty stellar at the moment, but I can't wait for this break to be over.
XOXO!