Courage every day

[untrique]

Yesterday, my stomach brought me downtown for a lunchtime visit to Ziba's Pitas, a Bosnian food cart situated in a parking lot. Sitting outside at a wrought-iron sidewalk table, I enjoyed one of the best aspects of being in Portland: life in the commons. While I munched on a combination plate consisting of one half spinach and feta pita, one half

Comments

[expanding_x_man]

I like this post! I enjoyed reading it.

About your height or feeling of being childlike, well, I would put on the muscle if possible, that would help. Loren (Rex) Cameron is a good example of a muscular small guy (he's only about 5'2") who looks more substantial because of his muscle. I think all FTMS, even the taller guys, have to deal with this issue a bit. We all have something boyish about us - which is not necessarily bad, but certainly, can feel awkward. Some of it is * inside * though, I mean it is a feeling about yourself. Somehow, that part is more about some kind of change internally over time.

Like Wamu to Chase I guess. The more youthful, un-corporate corporation which was a bit reckless, if charming, becomes an older, more stodgy and "adult" institution. There is an awkwardness and slightly wistful regret as the change unfolds. Interesting how you worked these two themes together.

[untrique]

Max, thanks for your thoughtful comments, I appreciate them! I agree that the boyishness is more internal than to do with height or features; your comments about the change over time are encouraging. One of the things I find very peculiar at this stage in life, and transition, is not being able to "see" me in the future: what I'll look like, how I'll live. Sometimes this leads to scary fears, which I must then convince myself are unfounded. I think every person making the transition from a youthful self expression to a more adult one goes through this; but transition -- and doing it later in life -- compounds the issue. Thanks for picking up the thread about Wamu/Chase. I did write it that way, but doing so wasn't entirely conscious. Ever think about doing a little editing? ;-)

[nicejewishbutch]

It's nice to hear your voice a little, and to read about what goes through your mind during the day.

Am interested in your process, also, in relation to that reflection in the mirror. Me, I almost always notice my width and bulk, first, the thickness, the sizeability, as it were. Sometimes feel surprised to see just how thick, in fact, I am. And what it means, to myself, to others. How it interacts with age, images of strength, access, dependability.

It all makes me think, somehow, of how your inner executive might dress, what size that character is, and how he does (or doesn't) interact with the pink boy in shorts in a t-shirt. There seems to be a question of self in all of this, certainly, but also of relativity, comparison. Reminds me also a little bit of the conversation we last had at the waffle window, queers and punks and aging and symbolism.

Suffice it to say, though we correspond mostly here while in different places, I am quite looking forward to corresponding with you in person come July.

[untrique]

Good point about the IE. I've wondered myself about that guy :-) I've caught glimpses of him, but as far as physical form he hasn't solidly manifested yet. I have lately begun to have a sense of him as someone less stodgy than I had feared, someone whose queerness is as evident as his strength and stability. Perhaps we can check back about that in a couple of years.

I also get what you're saying about the difference in our reflections, and how that shapes expectation. Harder to be vulnerable, I suspect, when strength is much of what others (and perhaps self) see.

That's the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure -- and more to discuss, yes, when we meet us (as the Germans say) in July.

[seyewailo]

So beautiful. I am so happy I get to read your journal.

[untrique]

Aw, thanks Seyewailo! That's a very sweet comment to receive tonight.

[jfruh]

I agree -- good to hear your voice! Glad to know you're doing well or, well, you sound well in this piece anyway. Thougthful, which I equate with doing well.

My practical sartorial advice is that sorts always make you look younger and more boyish. (Amber says this is why old people wear them.) I'm tall enough that I can sort of get away with them, but even I try to get the longer ones that go all the way to my knees and aren't very baggy. Fortunately in the foggy northwest there aren't too many days on which shorts are a comfort necessity?

[untrique]

Well hello, jfruh! Very nice to run into you here -- I've added you as a friend. I see you don't post ... ever. But, I did notice your Twitter feed yesterday, and enjoyed reading less than 140 chars about your battle with the drainspout.

It was two years ago this month that you hosted me in Baltimore. I think of that time often and am very grateful.

Hey, your userpic looks nothing _at all_ like you: what's up with that?