100_prompts : sg1 : daniel/sam : 002/100 : prompt 009/broken : "Breaking Apart"
Title: Breaking Apart
Author: pepsicolagurl
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Prompt: 009. Broken
Character/Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Sam Carter
Rating: PG.
Word Count: 2126
Summary: He said that she would break. He was right.
Authors Notes/Disclaimer: Second part of a three part series. It's helpful to read part one The First Crack before this one. Takes place during the Season one episode "Fire and Water". All spoilers up to that point.
She sat there, her mind racing. There was activity all around her in the infirmary, people rushing around, the sound of a plastic bag crinkling. Her eyes moved towards the Colonel and Teal'c, though she knew she wasn't really seeing them. Jack's hair was damp. And then she was left wondering, what the hell had happened to them.
Had they been wet? She knew that she had come flying down the ramp, held securely on either side by the Colonel and Teal'c on either side. There was a faint memory of feeling of their hands, clutching onto her arms and sleeves, pulling her along in the middle of them. Curious, she pushed down the blanket that covered her arms and looked impassively at the finger shaped bruises that marred her skin. They didn't hurt, although she knew that they should have ached. Both of the men were strong, and neither of them had been in their right minds, and maybe they just hadn't been aware of how firmly they had held her. Or maybe they had been scared that one of them was going to go the same way as Daniel. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the image of Daniel burning, Daniel caught in the flames, his screams for help, the fire reflecting off of the lenses of his glasses.
And so she turned her mind in another direction, though it was still firmly planted on Daniel. Daniel had come through the Stargate with them; Daniel had been the one to be holding onto her arm instead of the Jaffa. And his touch had been strong, but light, like it had been the previous times that he had had to grab hold of her and pull her somewhere. Firm, but soft. He didn't want to hurt her. No, Daniel never wanted to hurt anyone. He was a scholar, not a warrior. But then, if Daniel had come through the 'gate with them, she wouldn't be sitting in the infirmary, with two warm blankets wrapped around her, wondering numbly when the pain was going to hit.
They had collapsed on the ramp in the embarkation room, hadn't they? Had she fallen or been guided down, she wondered. A little of both. Teal'c had let go of her, she was sure of that, but the Colonel had probably helped her down, knowing him. Rough and sarcastic, yes. Closed off, yes. But a gentleman to the end. Much like Daniel. Much like Daniel was.
A tear escaped from the corner of her eye and trailed down her face, coming to rest on the apple of her cheek. The first piece of her facade broke away.
All she could remember was voices from far away, Janet's voice, mumbling something, but she couldn't be sure what it was. Her eyes had gone from side to side, up and down...no; she had been shaking her head, and unable to blink. Because every time she blinked, she saw Daniel in her mind, Daniel standing there, screaming, burning. God, make it stop! The conversations were so muffled in her mind, like a tape that couldn't decide what speed it should play at. But she very distinctly remembered the General asking where Doctor Jackson was. And she had had a moment of confusion, wondering who the hell Doctor Jackson was, she didn't know a Doctor Jackson, but she knew a Daniel Jackson. It must be Daniel that he was asking about, Daniel with the long hair and the blue eyes that hid behind glasses, Daniel that was the archeologist and linguist. Daniel, her friend.
"Daniel Jackson-" That had been Teal'c.
"He didn't make it, sir." And then her. Her voice was firm, almost matter-of-fact. No pain, no hurt.
"Daniel Jackson's dead, sir." And then Jack. He had said it almost like asking a question, and yet there was a finality to the words.
Dead. Gone. Didn't make it.
Another piece of the facade slipped away and shattered. Another tear.
How had they made it to the infirmary? Were there stretchers? Had they walked? Maybe wheelchairs? She couldn't remember. The trip from the embarkation room to where she was now, sitting on the edge of the bed, was a complete blank. If only it had been her last memory of Daniel that could be a blank, then maybe she wouldn't feel the way she did. Numb. Dead, just like he was. Gone, just like he was.
Somehow, she was in a pair of scrubs and freezing. She wanted her uniform back, that wonderful armor that transformed her from a living, breathing woman in mourning to Captain Samantha Carter, astrophysicist. She was shivering, even though there were those two warm blankets around her. Just where had those blankets come from? She had remembered asking Janet if he was gone, really and truly gone, but who was he? Daniel, her mind screamed back. It's Daniel that's gone. She shook her head, biting back the low moan. No, not Daniel. Let it be her, instead. Anyone but Daniel. He didn't deserve it; he shouldn't be the one to leave them.
She and Jack were trained to understand that there would be a chance that they might not make it back from whatever they do. The good old Air Force, trying to prepare them for the pain and horror of losing teammates. It happened; it was part of the job. Teal'c had been raised to be a warrior; he had seen death and caused it. Death didn't frighten him. And the Captain and the Colonel had been trained not to be afraid of it. But Daniel, damn it! He was a civilian. He wasn't Air Force, he wasn't a captain, or a colonel, or a sergeant. He was a citizen of the United States of America. He was a scholar, a student, a teacher, a wonderfully bright and intelligent man. He didn't come from the land of salutes and insubordination. He was free...and he was the one that they lost. The gentle one, with the heart of gold and the soft voice. The thinker, who was their conscience. And now, he was gone.
"He screamed, and...there was fire...and he, he called out for help...and then he screamed and then he-he was gone, he was just-"
Wasn't that what she had told the doctor? Yes, she could faintly remember Janet trying to calm her, and then calling for a nurse to give her a sedative. Well, the sedative hadn't worked. Not at all. She was still awake, and still thinking about Daniel. Why couldn't there be a syringe that could make her forget, make her pretend that none of this had happened?
Teal'c had made a fuss. He had been angry, refusing to take part in their tests. Sam watched from her perch on the bed, watched as the Jaffa pushed the nurse away. She could hear Jack's voice saying something, but what it was...she wasn't sure. He was wearing the same scrubs as she was, but he was wearing a ridiculous pair of plaid bedroom slippers, and there were no warm blankets surrounding him. Maybe he was cold, maybe he wanted one, too. She wondered if she should go over there and maybe offer one to him, in hopes that it would make him feel better, but she just continued rocking back and forth, trying not to let more tears escape. There was a sob that was caught in her throat, and she wanted to let it out, let the sound echo through the infirmary, but she couldn't. Because when she did, it would drive it home that Daniel really was gone, that he wouldn't be returning.
Janet had examined the Colonel next, and Sam watched as he pulled away from her, but she didn't know why, and she really didn't care. She was watching, but not observing. He kept holding his head in his hands and she watched them talk, but couldn't hear what they said. He got up from the bed and started away. Teal'c had already left the room, but she didn't know where he had gone. Now Jack was going to leave the room, and she would be alone.
The last piece of the facade fell away. Her mask was completely broken now.
She didn't want to be left alone, she was terrified of being left alone. Her tears started to fall suddenly, fast and furiously down her face, and dimly, she felt the heat of them, but she was cold, so cold, and they could do nothing to warm her. She moaned, and then sobbed.
The Colonel had been shuffling away on his slippers when he stopped suddenly and looked at her, as if he were seeing her for the first time. His brown eyes were just as red-rimmed as she was sure hers her. And he started to shuffle towards her, not picking his feet up from the ground. She wanted to tell him not to come any closer, to stay where he was, but when she opened her mouth, she felt her throat close up, and she could barely breathe.
He was beside her, and then he was holding her, and she wondered why. Why would Jack be embracing her? He was her commanding officer, she was his subordinate. There were rules and regulations in the Air Force that-
And then her mind played tricks on her, and she was on a planet at night, sitting in front of a crackling fire, and she heard his voice.
"If you need some sleep, I can stay up and keep an eye on the place."
Daniel's voice. Oh, God. She leaned into the embrace, felt the Colonel tighten his arms around her, those hard iron bands that were keeping her in place. No, she didn't want to hear Daniel's voice. And it was so soft, so caring. He always sounded like that during their late-night conversations. But this wasn't late night, and there was no campfire, and she knew that the moment she tried to close her eyes and sleep, she would see him, alive like that, warm and living, or dead, burning in the fire. She choked for a moment on her sob, before it made its way out. Was she getting Jack's shoulder wet?
"Besides, it's not like we have that much excitement in our lives."
She laughed in the middle of her crying, when she heard his voice say that. No, Daniel, she wanted to say. There was plenty of excitement in their lives. Didn't something like this fall into that category? And she leaned forward and pressed her face into Jack's neck, into the warmth, and she wanted to bite down on his scrub top to make the sounds stop coming from her, and to make her not want to respond to Daniel's voice from her memories, but she didn't. Her mouth opened wider instead, and she almost screamed into Jack's skin. He held her tighter again, and one of those iron bands removed itself and she felt a large hand cup the back of her head, spreading the warmth beyond her damp hair cooling her neck.
"Carter-" Had the Colonel really said that, she wondered. Yes, that was his voice, a lot quieter that she was used to hearing, and yes, that was his breath near her ear.
She held onto him tighter. "No," she moaned, the sound of her voice breaking with her sobs.
"Carter, it's okay."
She wanted to tell him that it wasn't. It wasn't okay. It wouldn't be okay. Daniel was gone, Daniel was dead. Daniel wouldn't be there anymore. And yet he was there with her, in her mind, in her memories, and he was talking again. He was talking and he was touching her. His hand on her shoulder, the comfortable weight of it. The warmth of it. The feeling of being protected that the touch gave her. He was there, and he wasn't.
"Just know that someone will be there to help you pick up the pieces, whether or not you want them to."
And she felt the anger then. She knew what he had meant when he said that. Daniel was the one that was supposed to be there to help her when she shattered. He was the one that was supposed to help her pick up the broken pieces and put them back together the best they could, because he was the one that could understand the pain and the loss. Not the Colonel, not Jack who was constantly hiding his pain and his fear from everyone. It was supposed to be Daniel, warm loving Daniel.
But he wasn't there. And she was broken.
And she didn't think that the pieces would ever be put back together.
Author: pepsicolagurl
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Prompt: 009. Broken
Character/Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Sam Carter
Rating: PG.
Word Count: 2126
Summary: He said that she would break. He was right.
Authors Notes/Disclaimer: Second part of a three part series. It's helpful to read part one The First Crack before this one. Takes place during the Season one episode "Fire and Water". All spoilers up to that point.
She sat there, her mind racing. There was activity all around her in the infirmary, people rushing around, the sound of a plastic bag crinkling. Her eyes moved towards the Colonel and Teal'c, though she knew she wasn't really seeing them. Jack's hair was damp. And then she was left wondering, what the hell had happened to them.
Had they been wet? She knew that she had come flying down the ramp, held securely on either side by the Colonel and Teal'c on either side. There was a faint memory of feeling of their hands, clutching onto her arms and sleeves, pulling her along in the middle of them. Curious, she pushed down the blanket that covered her arms and looked impassively at the finger shaped bruises that marred her skin. They didn't hurt, although she knew that they should have ached. Both of the men were strong, and neither of them had been in their right minds, and maybe they just hadn't been aware of how firmly they had held her. Or maybe they had been scared that one of them was going to go the same way as Daniel. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the image of Daniel burning, Daniel caught in the flames, his screams for help, the fire reflecting off of the lenses of his glasses.
And so she turned her mind in another direction, though it was still firmly planted on Daniel. Daniel had come through the Stargate with them; Daniel had been the one to be holding onto her arm instead of the Jaffa. And his touch had been strong, but light, like it had been the previous times that he had had to grab hold of her and pull her somewhere. Firm, but soft. He didn't want to hurt her. No, Daniel never wanted to hurt anyone. He was a scholar, not a warrior. But then, if Daniel had come through the 'gate with them, she wouldn't be sitting in the infirmary, with two warm blankets wrapped around her, wondering numbly when the pain was going to hit.
They had collapsed on the ramp in the embarkation room, hadn't they? Had she fallen or been guided down, she wondered. A little of both. Teal'c had let go of her, she was sure of that, but the Colonel had probably helped her down, knowing him. Rough and sarcastic, yes. Closed off, yes. But a gentleman to the end. Much like Daniel. Much like Daniel was.
A tear escaped from the corner of her eye and trailed down her face, coming to rest on the apple of her cheek. The first piece of her facade broke away.
All she could remember was voices from far away, Janet's voice, mumbling something, but she couldn't be sure what it was. Her eyes had gone from side to side, up and down...no; she had been shaking her head, and unable to blink. Because every time she blinked, she saw Daniel in her mind, Daniel standing there, screaming, burning. God, make it stop! The conversations were so muffled in her mind, like a tape that couldn't decide what speed it should play at. But she very distinctly remembered the General asking where Doctor Jackson was. And she had had a moment of confusion, wondering who the hell Doctor Jackson was, she didn't know a Doctor Jackson, but she knew a Daniel Jackson. It must be Daniel that he was asking about, Daniel with the long hair and the blue eyes that hid behind glasses, Daniel that was the archeologist and linguist. Daniel, her friend.
"Daniel Jackson-" That had been Teal'c.
"He didn't make it, sir." And then her. Her voice was firm, almost matter-of-fact. No pain, no hurt.
"Daniel Jackson's dead, sir." And then Jack. He had said it almost like asking a question, and yet there was a finality to the words.
Dead. Gone. Didn't make it.
Another piece of the facade slipped away and shattered. Another tear.
How had they made it to the infirmary? Were there stretchers? Had they walked? Maybe wheelchairs? She couldn't remember. The trip from the embarkation room to where she was now, sitting on the edge of the bed, was a complete blank. If only it had been her last memory of Daniel that could be a blank, then maybe she wouldn't feel the way she did. Numb. Dead, just like he was. Gone, just like he was.
Somehow, she was in a pair of scrubs and freezing. She wanted her uniform back, that wonderful armor that transformed her from a living, breathing woman in mourning to Captain Samantha Carter, astrophysicist. She was shivering, even though there were those two warm blankets around her. Just where had those blankets come from? She had remembered asking Janet if he was gone, really and truly gone, but who was he? Daniel, her mind screamed back. It's Daniel that's gone. She shook her head, biting back the low moan. No, not Daniel. Let it be her, instead. Anyone but Daniel. He didn't deserve it; he shouldn't be the one to leave them.
She and Jack were trained to understand that there would be a chance that they might not make it back from whatever they do. The good old Air Force, trying to prepare them for the pain and horror of losing teammates. It happened; it was part of the job. Teal'c had been raised to be a warrior; he had seen death and caused it. Death didn't frighten him. And the Captain and the Colonel had been trained not to be afraid of it. But Daniel, damn it! He was a civilian. He wasn't Air Force, he wasn't a captain, or a colonel, or a sergeant. He was a citizen of the United States of America. He was a scholar, a student, a teacher, a wonderfully bright and intelligent man. He didn't come from the land of salutes and insubordination. He was free...and he was the one that they lost. The gentle one, with the heart of gold and the soft voice. The thinker, who was their conscience. And now, he was gone.
"He screamed, and...there was fire...and he, he called out for help...and then he screamed and then he-he was gone, he was just-"
Wasn't that what she had told the doctor? Yes, she could faintly remember Janet trying to calm her, and then calling for a nurse to give her a sedative. Well, the sedative hadn't worked. Not at all. She was still awake, and still thinking about Daniel. Why couldn't there be a syringe that could make her forget, make her pretend that none of this had happened?
Teal'c had made a fuss. He had been angry, refusing to take part in their tests. Sam watched from her perch on the bed, watched as the Jaffa pushed the nurse away. She could hear Jack's voice saying something, but what it was...she wasn't sure. He was wearing the same scrubs as she was, but he was wearing a ridiculous pair of plaid bedroom slippers, and there were no warm blankets surrounding him. Maybe he was cold, maybe he wanted one, too. She wondered if she should go over there and maybe offer one to him, in hopes that it would make him feel better, but she just continued rocking back and forth, trying not to let more tears escape. There was a sob that was caught in her throat, and she wanted to let it out, let the sound echo through the infirmary, but she couldn't. Because when she did, it would drive it home that Daniel really was gone, that he wouldn't be returning.
Janet had examined the Colonel next, and Sam watched as he pulled away from her, but she didn't know why, and she really didn't care. She was watching, but not observing. He kept holding his head in his hands and she watched them talk, but couldn't hear what they said. He got up from the bed and started away. Teal'c had already left the room, but she didn't know where he had gone. Now Jack was going to leave the room, and she would be alone.
The last piece of the facade fell away. Her mask was completely broken now.
She didn't want to be left alone, she was terrified of being left alone. Her tears started to fall suddenly, fast and furiously down her face, and dimly, she felt the heat of them, but she was cold, so cold, and they could do nothing to warm her. She moaned, and then sobbed.
The Colonel had been shuffling away on his slippers when he stopped suddenly and looked at her, as if he were seeing her for the first time. His brown eyes were just as red-rimmed as she was sure hers her. And he started to shuffle towards her, not picking his feet up from the ground. She wanted to tell him not to come any closer, to stay where he was, but when she opened her mouth, she felt her throat close up, and she could barely breathe.
He was beside her, and then he was holding her, and she wondered why. Why would Jack be embracing her? He was her commanding officer, she was his subordinate. There were rules and regulations in the Air Force that-
And then her mind played tricks on her, and she was on a planet at night, sitting in front of a crackling fire, and she heard his voice.
"If you need some sleep, I can stay up and keep an eye on the place."
Daniel's voice. Oh, God. She leaned into the embrace, felt the Colonel tighten his arms around her, those hard iron bands that were keeping her in place. No, she didn't want to hear Daniel's voice. And it was so soft, so caring. He always sounded like that during their late-night conversations. But this wasn't late night, and there was no campfire, and she knew that the moment she tried to close her eyes and sleep, she would see him, alive like that, warm and living, or dead, burning in the fire. She choked for a moment on her sob, before it made its way out. Was she getting Jack's shoulder wet?
"Besides, it's not like we have that much excitement in our lives."
She laughed in the middle of her crying, when she heard his voice say that. No, Daniel, she wanted to say. There was plenty of excitement in their lives. Didn't something like this fall into that category? And she leaned forward and pressed her face into Jack's neck, into the warmth, and she wanted to bite down on his scrub top to make the sounds stop coming from her, and to make her not want to respond to Daniel's voice from her memories, but she didn't. Her mouth opened wider instead, and she almost screamed into Jack's skin. He held her tighter again, and one of those iron bands removed itself and she felt a large hand cup the back of her head, spreading the warmth beyond her damp hair cooling her neck.
"Carter-" Had the Colonel really said that, she wondered. Yes, that was his voice, a lot quieter that she was used to hearing, and yes, that was his breath near her ear.
She held onto him tighter. "No," she moaned, the sound of her voice breaking with her sobs.
"Carter, it's okay."
She wanted to tell him that it wasn't. It wasn't okay. It wouldn't be okay. Daniel was gone, Daniel was dead. Daniel wouldn't be there anymore. And yet he was there with her, in her mind, in her memories, and he was talking again. He was talking and he was touching her. His hand on her shoulder, the comfortable weight of it. The warmth of it. The feeling of being protected that the touch gave her. He was there, and he wasn't.
"Just know that someone will be there to help you pick up the pieces, whether or not you want them to."
And she felt the anger then. She knew what he had meant when he said that. Daniel was the one that was supposed to be there to help her when she shattered. He was the one that was supposed to help her pick up the broken pieces and put them back together the best they could, because he was the one that could understand the pain and the loss. Not the Colonel, not Jack who was constantly hiding his pain and his fear from everyone. It was supposed to be Daniel, warm loving Daniel.
But he wasn't there. And she was broken.
And she didn't think that the pieces would ever be put back together.