Beginnings - SPEED MASTER (3/15)
Title - Beginnings - SPEED MASTER (3/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 5,951 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt's trip to the hospital leaves him wanting company.
Fukuoka - July 1st
The drinks were flowing in the bar of the hotel that they were all staying in, but the mood was sombre, the atmosphere a million miles away from the friendly banter and warmth they had all felt at that izakaya on the opening night of the tour. Band and crew were assembled around a couple of tables that they had claimed as their own in the corner of the bar and chairs had been stolen from the tables surrounding them, but still, there was barely enough room for them to breathe.
None of the faces were smiling. Nobody was laughing or teasing or doing any of the things that was so synonymous with an after show gathering.
As You looked to his left and saw the plump, serious face of one of the band’s managers instead of the finely boned face of his best friend, it was easy to see what had caused the change.
Gackt had collapsed after the show. That in itself was nothing unusual, You had become used to the routine of seeing Gackt unconscious on a floor somewhere as crew members worked to try and control the fever that would spread through his weakened body. It was tough to watch, but You had become desensitised to it over the years.
But tonight… The fever had taken hold too quickly. Gackt had begun to hyperventilate, his breaths coming in short, sharp shocks that couldn’t catch the oxygen he needed, but shook his entire body with their force. As the fever had spread and a team of crew members had placed as many ice packs as they could find to his burning skin, his limbs had started to violently twitch and ice packs had been replaced by the strong hands of Gackt’s bodyguards as they tried to keep his body still.
For thirty minutes they’d fought against the fever and, at times, Gackt himself before the tour doctor had made the call that Gackt needed more specialised care than he could provide on the slightly dirty floor next to the stage at the Fukuoka Zepp.
He’d been taken to the nearest hospital about three hours ago. That most certainly wasn’t a usual occurrence.
You had stood silently and watched as the doctor and crew had battled with the fever that ravaged Gackt’s body. Gackt had opened his eyes a couple of times in response to the feel of new, freezing cold ice packs being pressed to his skin and his eyes had looked so scared… so confused… You had known then that tonight wasn’t just an ordinary fever.
He’d wanted to go with them to the hospital, but in the commotion of Gackt being carried out to his minivan while the staff members frantically ran around to shield the sight from the few fans who were waiting outside for a glimpse of him, You had been swept to the side. He’d then been grabbed by Junji and marched to a second minivan in a daze. Before he’d realised what was happening he was being pushed into the hotel bar and a drink had been pressed into his hands.
“He’ll be alright, You,” Chacha said in his best reassuring tone, “he always is in the end.”
“I know,” You sighed. “I just wish someone would call to let us know that. It’s this sitting here without knowing what’s happening… it’s making me nervous.”
“He didn’t look good, did he?” Junji stated sadly, expecting no answer and receiving none.
You pressed his fingers to his temples. He could feel a headache brewing. His eyes were tired and dry and he knew that he should take his contact lenses out to both help his eyes and the impending headache but he didn’t want to move from the bar, just in case that phone call he was waiting for happened.
The silence was killing him.
“Why won’t someone call?!” he asked, frustration and worry evident in his voice.
“It’s a hospital, You-kun,” Chacha answered. “They don’t always allow phones. It doesn’t mean anything. Maybe you should go up to your room and get some rest and I’ll call you as soon as there is any news.”
“No,” You answered quickly. “I won’t be able to rest until I know.”
Chacha sighed. “I thought not.”
They fell back into silence again.
Chacha took a sip of his vodka and coke, but it suddenly tasted very bitter to him so he placed it back on the table with an audible thump. This waiting was driving him crazy too. He understood You’s fears because they were the exact same fears that ran through his mind. Gackt drove himself beyond his limits until his body simply shut down under the strain, but each time he’d emerge from the after effects stronger than before. And he was stronger now, far stronger than he had been when Chacha had first seen him collapse after a show nearly ten years ago.
But the worry remained. What if this time, he doesn’t come through it stronger?
What if this time, he doesn’t come through it at all?
He shook his head free of these thoughts. The boy had collapsed due to exhaustion, over work and dehydration. That was all. Sure, it was worse than normal but hardly life threatening and nothing he needed to worry himself to death over, especially as You was doing a good enough job of that for everyone.
Gackt and You… Chacha had long given up trying to define the relationship that existed between them and had just accepted that they were what they were. More than friends, more than brothers, not quite lovers.. Gackt had called them soul mates once much to You’s embarrassed amusement and as Chacha looked at You and saw the worry and outright fear that was etched into his face he thought that maybe, soul mate was the closest definition he’d be able to find.
You pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and placed it on the table. He checked to see if he’d missed any calls or emails. He checked that the battery still had enough life for the next few hours. He checked that he had taken it off mute mode.
And then he stared at it.
“Staring at your phone isn’t going to make it ring, You-kun,” Chacha said softly.
“I know but….”
You didn’t need to finish his sentence because standing at the entrance to the bar, looking a little shaky and pale, but otherwise healthy, was Gackt.
The bodyguard, Chad, stood behind him and You could see that Chad had his arms slightly poised, ready to catch Gackt if he fell but Gackt was standing under his own strength and that was good enough for You. He looked tired, immensely tired, but he was able to smile and that little movement of his lips and the happiness reflected in those eyes that had recently looked so scared and confused was enough to allow You to breathe again.
He was okay. Truly, okay.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Gakkun,” Chacha said as he strolled across the bar and swept Gackt into a loose, but friendly, hug.
Gackt wanted to return the embrace, but his arms felt too heavy to lift. He felt that he couldn’t relax into the hug either because he knew that the second he allowed his body to rest anywhere, be it in a bed, on a chair, or against the welcoming warmth radiating from Chacha, he wouldn’t be able to rise again for a very long time.
Instead he stood still and poured all of his gratitude and feeling into a few short words. “Thank you. It’s good to be back.”
You watched the exchange from the other side of the bar. Only Junji had followed Chacha to greet Gackt, everyone else was simply watching, not wanting to crowd Gackt when he was obviously still recovering from his collapse and fever. That wasn’t the reason, however, why You hadn’t moved. You guessed that his reason was simply because he needed a few more moments to convince himself that it was really his best friend stood there, a little weak and tired looking maybe, but otherwise just as beautiful and strong willed as ever.
“Are you okay?” Junji asked.
Gackt smiled. “I’m fine… I was wasting the hospital’s time by even being there, I didn’t need to be treated by them. I was just a little tired; I’d have recovered by myself.”
It was plain by the forced power of his voice and the slight shakiness that remained that even Gackt didn’t believe what he’d just said, but nobody called him on it. They were just glad he was back and fit enough for his insufferable pride to make an appearance.
Gackt stepped away from Chacha and glanced over at his band and crew that were seated in the corner. They all seemed so relieved to see him, but the heavy atmosphere of before still hung in the air and Gackt could feel it. He’d worried them again. His selfish weaknesses had ruined yet another night for everyone and he cursed himself for subjecting them all to this routine one more time.
You was watching him, scrutinising every little movement of his body to see how healthy he really was, and Gackt felt naked under that stare. It was taking every last bit of strength in his body to remain standing without swaying or grabbing the nearest wall for support and he was sure that if only one person could recognise the fatigue that still remained in his limbs, it was You.
He’d been thinking of You throughout the entire ride back to the hotel. He’d fought hard to stay awake as he had wanted to walk into the hotel himself and he’d known that if he’d slept in the minivan, Chad would have had to carry him in as he wouldn’t have woken. So, he’d made his mind concentrate on his friend, on the parfait they’d shared earlier that day because Gackt’s diet wouldn’t allow him to eat ice cream, but he craved it anyway, he’d thought of the play fight he’d had with You that morning because his sister had emailed him photos of Eneru and You wanted to see them before Gackt had finished emailing her back, but most of all, he’d thought of You’s smile and the unconditional friendship and love that the other man gave him.
But amongst the sunny thoughts of You, some darker thoughts had started to creep through the cracks, and Gackt knew that no matter how tired he felt now, when he was alone in that too large hotel room those thoughts would take over and stop him from achieving the rest he so desperately needed.
He’d accept and welcome every weakness his body could throw at him if it meant that the weaknesses of his mind would disappear.
“You-kun,” Gackt called softly. “Can I speak to you?”
Even before the words had been processed and understood by his distracted brain You was on his feet and walking towards Gackt. He never had been able to deny the man any request, no matter how large or small.
“Can we talk in the hallway?” Gackt asked quietly, waving away the offered support from Chad and silently bidding goodnight to everyone else with a nod of his head and the strongest wave of his hand he could muster.
You followed dutifully but didn’t need any explanation. He knew what Gackt was going to ask, he’d known it was coming ever since he’d seen Gackt standing in that doorway. He guessed that he could answer now and save Gackt the embarrassment he always felt at uttering those words, but this time, You felt like he needed to hear Gackt actually say those words, just to prove that this really was his Gackt, safe and sound.
Gackt’s gaze was fixed to the ground due to a combination of not wanting to look at You as he asked and the spreading tiredness that made it increasingly hard to keep his head up. “Will you..er… Damn. You’d think this would get easier after so any years of having to ask…”
You remained silent.
“I don’t want to… be alone,” Gackt spoke finally, each word another wound to his pride, “will you stay with me… tonight. In my room?”
There was only one answer. There was only ever one answer You could give. “Yes.”
They walked to the elevators together after You had waved Chad away and assured him that he could take care of Gackt if it was required. Gackt scowled at the mere suggestion that he needed taking care of, but knew that no matter how much he hated to admit it, at this point in time it was very possible that he might need some help.
There was nobody he trusted more than You to give him that help.
They entered the elevator in silence, Gackt pushing the button for his floor before You had even fully stepped into the elevator because dammit, he didn’t have the energy to do much right now, but he was perfectly capable of pressing the required elevator buttons. He felt his pride curl into a ball and die when You leaned over him and pressed the correct button for his floor. He was grateful when You made no comment about it.
The elevator doors opened and closed on the incorrect floor Gackt had picked on their way to the correct floor that You had picked. They exited the elevator in silence, Gackt first, You second and slowly walked down the corridor. Now that they were away from the crowd and You had nothing to think about other than Gackt, he could see from the careful but ungraceful steps that Gackt was taking that he was exhausted and ready to drop at any moment.
They reached You’s hotel room first. They both stood outside the door, one man with his tired gaze on the floor and the other with his every sense trained onto the man standing next to him. Gackt didn’t look particularly ill other than the tiredness, but he didn’t appear entirely healthy either. It was amazing how concentrating on Gackt could always make You’s headaches disappear.
You thought that he could probably guess why Gackt had requested his company tonight, but still felt the need to get it clarified. “Are you still feeling ill?” You asked. “Is that why you asked…”
“No, I feel fine,” Gackt interrupted. “I just… you know… hospitals.”
And You did know. He knew that those sterile, plain white walls that characterised every hospital in the country were something Gackt always tried to avoid. He knew the stories of how a young Gackt, seriously ill with some stomach illness he couldn’t name or pronounce, had been left to stare at those walls day after day, week after week without a friendly face by his side. He knew that Gackt had seen so many temporary friends suffer and die. He knew that Gackt had watched them be wheeled away from the ward to a private room somewhere to never return other than as spirits and demons in the nightmares of a child that was delirious with pain.
He knew that Gackt had cried for his parents and his siblings until his weak, fragile little body had given out and rendered him unconscious. You knew that Gackt’s parents had considered that visiting their nine year old son only once a week was enough. He also knew that Gackt’s parents had thought that his brother and sister hadn’t needed to see him or that depressing place at all.
He knew that hospitals were everything Gackt feared made manifest. Weakness, abandonment, rejection, loneliness… He also knew that if it hadn’t have been for Gackt’s elder sister You wouldn’t have known any of this at all.
Gackt detested weakness. Especially his own.
“Let me grab a few things from my room and I’ll come over to yours.”
“No, it’s okay,” Gackt said quietly. “I’ll wait in the hallway for you.”
You nodded in agreement, but made no comment. If Gackt couldn’t bear to be alone in his hotel room for even the briefest of times then the hospital visit must have shook him more than even You had considered possible. He quickly opened his hotel room door and practically ran inside.
As he flew around the room grabbing the few essentials that he needed before retiring for the night his mind drifted back to the man stood in the corridor. It had been sometime during the MARS tour that Gackt, then a mess of badly dyed hair, heavy eye shadow, lurid tight pants and a body so skinny it looked like it could break, had first approached him to share a room for the night. He could remember the quiet uncertainty in Gackt’s usually confident voice as he’d struggled for the right words to explain the reasoning behind such an odd request without revealing too much of the weaknesses he’d tried so hard to defeat.
You had taken pity on him, the nervous shake in his dear friend’s limbs enough to explain everything that needed to be explained. Gackt needed him. That was the only explanation You had required and as the years had progressed they’d fallen into a steady but infrequent routine where Gackt would need him and You would be by his side, no questions asked.
It had been quite some time since the last request but as soon as You had realised that the doctor wanted Gackt in the hospital, You had been expecting the request to follow. It was an obvious pattern, one that dictated that any trip to either the hospital or his parent’s homes would result in Gackt not wanting to be alone that night. He didn’t think that Gackt was aware of it, but You most certainly was and he had a suspicion that Chacha had also recognised the routine.
You picked up his contact lens case and ran out of the door.
*~*~*~
The living room of Gackt’s suite was immaculately clean, the only sign that someone had been living there for the past two days was the Mac on the coffee table, the sunglasses that lay beside them and the row of locked suitcases that lined the far wall. It was in stark contrast to You’s own room and to the piles of clothes scattered haphazardly around the cream coloured carpet and the empty Red Bull cans that littered the desk.
But, You knew that he could afford to be messy. After all, he didn’t have to worry about housekeeping stealing his clothes.
Gackt stood a few feet away from him trying to shrug off his light leather jacket, but he was having difficulty working it past his shoulders. You’s fingers itched to help, to grab the collar of the designer jacket and pull it from Gackt’s tired body, but he knew that Gackt wouldn’t appreciate the help.
You had learned a long time ago that the only way to deal with Gackt when he was this tired was to wait until he either asked for help or was too exhausted to argue. Jumping in before would only result in an argument that You didn’t have the energy for and it was pretty obvious that neither did Gackt.
Finally the jacket fell to the floor and Gackt merely stepped away from it, leaving the expensive leather as a jumbled pile on the otherwise spotless floor.
“Do you need to shower?” You asked.
Gackt jumped slightly as the quietness in the room and his ease at being in You’s presence had almost made him forget that You was even there. “No… I’m okay. I just need to clean up a little. You?”
“Just my contacts,” You said, waving his contacts case in the air to illustrate his point. “You should go first because it’s your suite.”
And because you look like you’re about to drop any second, You thought.
He kept that thought in his mind and simply watched as Gackt nodded in acknowledgement of his words and slowly walked to the bathroom. You waited for the door to shut behind him before he moved and then followed Gackt until he was as close to the bathroom door as he could manage. He listened intently, the sounds of Gackt shuffling around the small space and the sound of running water easily heard, but You wasn’t listening for those. He was listening for the dull thump of flesh meeting floor that would signify that Gackt’s tiredness finally had overtaken him.
Thankfully that sound never came, and Gackt soon opened the door, face clear of make up, hair brushed free of any styling products (and looking a little frizzy) and brown eyes so deep they were nearly black staring at him from underneath tired eyelids.
“You don’t need to guard me You, I’m perfectly capable of seeing myself to bed.”
There was a hint of amusement in the tired voice and it made You blush slightly. “The day I stop worrying about you Gaku, is the day I stop knowing you.”
Gackt smiled. “The bathroom’s yours.”
You removed his contact lenses and completed his nightly rituals as quickly as he could, changing into a loose pair of shorts that he’d owned since the RRI tour. Actually, if he thought about it, the shorts had originally been Gackt’s and had somehow become mixed in with his clothes during one of the many laundry days that had littered the tour. Gackt had never questioned their disappearance and You had never thought to give them back.
Gackt was sitting on the right edge of the king sized Western bed when You entered the bedroom. He’d already changed into a pair of dark green shorts that he often wore for their exercise sessions, and You couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He knew that Gackt usually slept naked as it was how he felt most comfortable, but Gackt would always make this little concession for You when they slept together.
But then again, Gackt, a usually quite selfish man by nature, would always make concessions for You.
The only light in the room came from a small light on the left hand side, You’s side, of the bed and the few bright lights of the city that were able to reach the fifteenth floor suite. It was deathly quiet, the only noise the faint sound of several humidifiers working overtime from their positions scattered around the room and together, the lights and noise bathed the room in an ethereal atmosphere that was only magnified by the presence of the man sitting on the bed.
You was a photographer. He knew how to create the perfectly framed shot, which colours looked the best and knew beauty when he saw it and seeing Gackt perched on the edge of the bed, his back arched forward as his elbows rested on his knees and his head was in his hands, the scant light reflecting off his endlessly smooth pale skin was the perfect shot.
But it was also the worst shot because You knew that no roll of film or digital memory card could ever capture the beauty before him adequately.
There was a slight shake to Gackt’s shoulders and as You walked closer he could see the tell tale bumps along Gackt’s forearms. “You should get underneath the covers Gaku. I’ll turn the air conditioning down.”
Gackt made no comment, but did as he was told, stretching out on his back along the right side of the bed. You knew that he’d been waiting for him to clean up before he got into bed.
You altered the air conditioning so that it was enough to counteract the growing heat, but not enough to chill and then climbed into bed, placing his glasses on the table beside him before turning off the light. He could barely feel the body heat radiating from the other man, but it was a comforting sensation nonetheless and something that he suddenly realised, he enjoyed feeling.
“Good night, You-kun.”
“Good night, Gaku.”
You remained on his back, his eyes opened and fixed on the ceiling. For several minutes he basked in the darkness of the room and the quiet hum of the humidifiers, the noise of Gackt shifting beneath the sheets occasionally reaching his ears as he tried to find a comfortable position. You didn’t dare close his eyes and risk sleep, not when…
“You-kun… Are you still awake?”
Not when he knew that Gackt would eventually want to talk before sleep finally claimed him. “I’m still awake.” I never fall asleep before you, no matter how tired I feel.
“I’m sorry for asking this of you again.”
“It’s okay, Gaku,” You replied and truly, it was.
Gackt sighed and rolled over, pulling the sheets from You somewhat as he moved. You looked across and was slightly surprised to see that Gackt was now lying on his side facing him, his eyes fixed on You’s and a blank expression on his face. You shifted until he was also on his side and stared right back.
“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t still be asking you to do this… I’m a grown man and I can’t sleep on my own some nights?!”
“We all get lonely and need some company from time to time.”
“Yet I’m the only one who needs his best friend to share a bed with him just so he can sleep.”
“No, you aren’t.”
Even in the darkness You could see the confusion that swept across Gackt’s face. “I’m the only one who ever asks for this…”
“…because other people don’t need to ask,” You interrupted. “They just need to say ‘yes’.”
It took a few seconds for You’s words to sink into Gackt’s tired brain and be interpreted for what they were, but when Gackt finally put the pieces together his lips curled into a bitter smile. “You’re just trying to make me feel better about asking you. I appreciate the effort, but you don’t need to lie to me.”
“I never lie to you, Gaku,” You said with a force and conviction that made Gackt’s back stiffen and his cheeks redden slightly, “I mean what I said. I don’t need to ask anyone to keep me company at night because I have you.
“There is always a point on the tour,” You continued,” when being away from home and everything that is mine starts to become too much. Call it home sickness if you want. Whenever it happens though I know that within a couple of days, I’ll be lying here with you again because it always seems to hit you at the same time. I guess we’re just that in tune with each other huh?”
“I never realised…”
“I never told you, Gaku,” You smiled. “It happens to everyone. You must have noticed that at least once every tour there’s a week, usually in the middle, where everyone goes crazy and drinks every night until they pass out. How many times have we found Chacha asleep and hung-over in strange places? That’s how he copes. This is how we cope. I think our way is less self destructive don’t you?”
The bitter smile remained on Gackt’s lips. He had no doubt that what You was saying was true and at times being away from home, from his sister and her children, Eneru, the few friends he had left and the comfort that could only be found in that space that was uniquely yours did affect him and he would also find solace in the bottom of a bottle or the arms of a willing fangirl but that wasn’t the entire truth… Sometimes, like tonight, he didn’t miss home at all, but needed the comfort all the same.
It was times like tonight when he’d looked in the sparkling mirror in his bathroom and seen lines etched into his face that hadn’t been there years earlier and had wondered why anyone would pay to see him. It was times like earlier that day when he’d been singing one of his songs in rehearsals and suddenly wondered why anyone would pay to listen to it. It was times like that morning when he’d done his duty and made his routine call to his father only to have been dismissed within two minutes because his father was too busy to talk to him, that made him wonder why anyone would want to listen to what he had to say.
It was tough to get to the top, to make them watch, listen and be interested in you. But Gackt knew that it was even tougher to stay there.
And that was the root of it all, really wasn’t it? He’d spent so many years pinning his life and his very soul on being ‘Gackt, The Rockstar’ that without that persona he felt lost and worthless. The Rockstar was beautiful, strong and the person everyone wanted to either be or be with. Gackt, the man was a walking mess of insecurities and flaws hidden by make up and pricey clothing. Who would want that?
It was the light brush of fingers against his and the hesitant palm that closed around his own that made him realise that You would want that.
“Sorry,” You said softly. “It looked like I was losing you to your thoughts so I decided to try and bring you back.”
Gackt felt You try to withdraw his hand, but he tightened his grip and held You’s hand fast. Their clasped hands lay between them, buried beneath the soft cream covers of Gackt’s comforter, but it didn’t dull the effect of the touch.
“Thank you,” Gackt replied. “I was drifting off there slightly.”
“Sometimes,” You began, “I wonder exactly what is running through that head of yours when you space out on me and I’d give anything to know. But other times, I think that it’s probably best that I don’t know.”
“How about now?” Gackt asked.
“Now?” You repeated. “Now, I’m pretty sure that I know what you’re thinking.”
Gackt scoffed. “I doubt that.”
“You called your father this morning, spent three hours in the hospital tonight and then asked me to keep you company. It’s not that difficult to figure out, Gaku.”
Gackt didn’t answer and You could see, even in the darkness, that he’d closed his eyes. He wasn’t asleep though, the speed of his breathing and the crushing force in his hand as it gripped You’s tighter was evidence of that. You felt a stab of regret at throwing the circumstances of the day back at Gackt, but the man was so infuriating sometimes. After all of their years together and all of the things they’d been through, there were still some dark thoughts that Gackt refused to voice to him for fear of looking weak. You just wanted Gackt to know that not only had he guessed most of those dark thoughts, but that he didn’t care.
To everyone else on the tour Gackt was the strong, self-assured leader who had talent to spare. He had confidence in himself and his gifts that sometimes came close to arrogance and expected nothing short of perfection from everyone, including himself. He knew he was good. He knew he was beautiful. He knew he was everything the fans had ever said about him and merely being in Gackt’s presence had the side effect of making everyone around him equally great and confident.
But You saw through the act. He always had. He’d recognised the scared teenager that felt completely out of his depth amongst the harshness of the Kyoto independent music scene. He’d seen the boy who questioned his own abilities despite his amazing natural musical talents. He’d realised that behind the arrogance and the bite me attitude that had alienated everyone that came into contact with him apart from himself and the ever calm and unfazed Ren, was a lost little boy who had no idea who he really was or who he wanted to be.
All of these years he’d stood beside Gackt, watching from the shadows as his friend strode into the bright lights of the national stage and soared. You had always known that behind the bluster was that same uncertainty, but he’d stood by him regardless and always would.
There was nothing Gackt could say that would make him leave his side. He just wished that Gackt realised that.
“I’m probably the only one who knows,” You said quietly. “Everyone else will think that you’re still ill and would just rather have me here than either the doctor or still be in hospital.”
“I never could fool you, could I?” Gackt asked, his eyes remaining closed as he spoke.
You chuckled. “And I could never fool you either.”
“I don’t know,” Gackt said, opening his eyes slowly, “some days I think you can.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You say that sometimes you wish you knew what was running through my mind, well, I can say the same about you. I wonder, sometimes, why you’ve stuck with me so long when everyone else leaves.”
“Chacha hasn’t..”
“I’m not talking about the band, You,” Gackt clarified.
There was something about the dead of the night and the thick darkness that covered so many things from view that always loosened Gackt’s tongue. It was always especially evident when he was tired as his mind could never work quickly enough to filter those comments and questions that he normally wouldn’t voice. You thought that maybe the darkness and the veil that it draped across everything made it easier to ask the difficult questions, but You always found that it didn’t make the answers any easier to come by.
“Why does anyone remain friends with anyone, Gaku? I enjoy your company, I like being with you. You make me happy and frustrated in equal measures and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with. You’ve given me no reason to leave.”
Gackt smiled. It was a tired smile, but a genuine one and it made You happy to see it. “What did I do to deserve you You-kun?”
The tiredness was creeping back into Gackt’s voice and it just made You’s smile even wider. “I think I’m probably a punishment for something you did in a previous life.”
Gackt’s eyes drifted closed, but his smile remained. “More a reward I think. Would you change things? If you had the chance to have never met me, would you take it? Your life would be so much simpler.”
“My life would be boring without you Gaku,” You said as he gave the hand he still held within his a little squeeze, “I’d probably be in the family business, married with three kids and balding.”
“Hmm,” Gackt murmured, “sounds like a nightmare.”
“And life with you is such a dream right?”
“You know it,” Gackt answered between yawns.
“Go to sleep Gaku. You can torment me some more in the morning.”
“’kay…” Gackt agreed. “Sleep well, You-kun.”
It only took another couple of minutes before Gackt’s breathing settled into that slow, steady rhythm that signalled he’d finally fallen asleep. You tried to extract his hand from Gackt’s, but every slight movement made the slumbering man murmur unhappily so You let the touch continue and was soon asleep himself.
In the morning, when they awoke to find the other man staring at them and their hands still tightly clasped between them, no comment was made. But when Gackt smiled at him, You couldn’t help but return it.
TBC
Notes
1) I've looked after people who've collapsed due to exhaustion and heat before so the part describing Gackt's collapse is based on that. For some, it took nearly an hour for them to come through it and I can say that it is very, very scary to see the first few times. You do, however, quickly get used to it.
2) I said it was going to get longer and more serious from this part on, and I meant it XD
Previous part - NINE SPIRAL
Next part - LU:NA (Wednesday or Thursday)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 5,951 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt's trip to the hospital leaves him wanting company.
Fukuoka - July 1st
The drinks were flowing in the bar of the hotel that they were all staying in, but the mood was sombre, the atmosphere a million miles away from the friendly banter and warmth they had all felt at that izakaya on the opening night of the tour. Band and crew were assembled around a couple of tables that they had claimed as their own in the corner of the bar and chairs had been stolen from the tables surrounding them, but still, there was barely enough room for them to breathe.
None of the faces were smiling. Nobody was laughing or teasing or doing any of the things that was so synonymous with an after show gathering.
As You looked to his left and saw the plump, serious face of one of the band’s managers instead of the finely boned face of his best friend, it was easy to see what had caused the change.
Gackt had collapsed after the show. That in itself was nothing unusual, You had become used to the routine of seeing Gackt unconscious on a floor somewhere as crew members worked to try and control the fever that would spread through his weakened body. It was tough to watch, but You had become desensitised to it over the years.
But tonight… The fever had taken hold too quickly. Gackt had begun to hyperventilate, his breaths coming in short, sharp shocks that couldn’t catch the oxygen he needed, but shook his entire body with their force. As the fever had spread and a team of crew members had placed as many ice packs as they could find to his burning skin, his limbs had started to violently twitch and ice packs had been replaced by the strong hands of Gackt’s bodyguards as they tried to keep his body still.
For thirty minutes they’d fought against the fever and, at times, Gackt himself before the tour doctor had made the call that Gackt needed more specialised care than he could provide on the slightly dirty floor next to the stage at the Fukuoka Zepp.
He’d been taken to the nearest hospital about three hours ago. That most certainly wasn’t a usual occurrence.
You had stood silently and watched as the doctor and crew had battled with the fever that ravaged Gackt’s body. Gackt had opened his eyes a couple of times in response to the feel of new, freezing cold ice packs being pressed to his skin and his eyes had looked so scared… so confused… You had known then that tonight wasn’t just an ordinary fever.
He’d wanted to go with them to the hospital, but in the commotion of Gackt being carried out to his minivan while the staff members frantically ran around to shield the sight from the few fans who were waiting outside for a glimpse of him, You had been swept to the side. He’d then been grabbed by Junji and marched to a second minivan in a daze. Before he’d realised what was happening he was being pushed into the hotel bar and a drink had been pressed into his hands.
“He’ll be alright, You,” Chacha said in his best reassuring tone, “he always is in the end.”
“I know,” You sighed. “I just wish someone would call to let us know that. It’s this sitting here without knowing what’s happening… it’s making me nervous.”
“He didn’t look good, did he?” Junji stated sadly, expecting no answer and receiving none.
You pressed his fingers to his temples. He could feel a headache brewing. His eyes were tired and dry and he knew that he should take his contact lenses out to both help his eyes and the impending headache but he didn’t want to move from the bar, just in case that phone call he was waiting for happened.
The silence was killing him.
“Why won’t someone call?!” he asked, frustration and worry evident in his voice.
“It’s a hospital, You-kun,” Chacha answered. “They don’t always allow phones. It doesn’t mean anything. Maybe you should go up to your room and get some rest and I’ll call you as soon as there is any news.”
“No,” You answered quickly. “I won’t be able to rest until I know.”
Chacha sighed. “I thought not.”
They fell back into silence again.
Chacha took a sip of his vodka and coke, but it suddenly tasted very bitter to him so he placed it back on the table with an audible thump. This waiting was driving him crazy too. He understood You’s fears because they were the exact same fears that ran through his mind. Gackt drove himself beyond his limits until his body simply shut down under the strain, but each time he’d emerge from the after effects stronger than before. And he was stronger now, far stronger than he had been when Chacha had first seen him collapse after a show nearly ten years ago.
But the worry remained. What if this time, he doesn’t come through it stronger?
What if this time, he doesn’t come through it at all?
He shook his head free of these thoughts. The boy had collapsed due to exhaustion, over work and dehydration. That was all. Sure, it was worse than normal but hardly life threatening and nothing he needed to worry himself to death over, especially as You was doing a good enough job of that for everyone.
Gackt and You… Chacha had long given up trying to define the relationship that existed between them and had just accepted that they were what they were. More than friends, more than brothers, not quite lovers.. Gackt had called them soul mates once much to You’s embarrassed amusement and as Chacha looked at You and saw the worry and outright fear that was etched into his face he thought that maybe, soul mate was the closest definition he’d be able to find.
You pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and placed it on the table. He checked to see if he’d missed any calls or emails. He checked that the battery still had enough life for the next few hours. He checked that he had taken it off mute mode.
And then he stared at it.
“Staring at your phone isn’t going to make it ring, You-kun,” Chacha said softly.
“I know but….”
You didn’t need to finish his sentence because standing at the entrance to the bar, looking a little shaky and pale, but otherwise healthy, was Gackt.
The bodyguard, Chad, stood behind him and You could see that Chad had his arms slightly poised, ready to catch Gackt if he fell but Gackt was standing under his own strength and that was good enough for You. He looked tired, immensely tired, but he was able to smile and that little movement of his lips and the happiness reflected in those eyes that had recently looked so scared and confused was enough to allow You to breathe again.
He was okay. Truly, okay.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Gakkun,” Chacha said as he strolled across the bar and swept Gackt into a loose, but friendly, hug.
Gackt wanted to return the embrace, but his arms felt too heavy to lift. He felt that he couldn’t relax into the hug either because he knew that the second he allowed his body to rest anywhere, be it in a bed, on a chair, or against the welcoming warmth radiating from Chacha, he wouldn’t be able to rise again for a very long time.
Instead he stood still and poured all of his gratitude and feeling into a few short words. “Thank you. It’s good to be back.”
You watched the exchange from the other side of the bar. Only Junji had followed Chacha to greet Gackt, everyone else was simply watching, not wanting to crowd Gackt when he was obviously still recovering from his collapse and fever. That wasn’t the reason, however, why You hadn’t moved. You guessed that his reason was simply because he needed a few more moments to convince himself that it was really his best friend stood there, a little weak and tired looking maybe, but otherwise just as beautiful and strong willed as ever.
“Are you okay?” Junji asked.
Gackt smiled. “I’m fine… I was wasting the hospital’s time by even being there, I didn’t need to be treated by them. I was just a little tired; I’d have recovered by myself.”
It was plain by the forced power of his voice and the slight shakiness that remained that even Gackt didn’t believe what he’d just said, but nobody called him on it. They were just glad he was back and fit enough for his insufferable pride to make an appearance.
Gackt stepped away from Chacha and glanced over at his band and crew that were seated in the corner. They all seemed so relieved to see him, but the heavy atmosphere of before still hung in the air and Gackt could feel it. He’d worried them again. His selfish weaknesses had ruined yet another night for everyone and he cursed himself for subjecting them all to this routine one more time.
You was watching him, scrutinising every little movement of his body to see how healthy he really was, and Gackt felt naked under that stare. It was taking every last bit of strength in his body to remain standing without swaying or grabbing the nearest wall for support and he was sure that if only one person could recognise the fatigue that still remained in his limbs, it was You.
He’d been thinking of You throughout the entire ride back to the hotel. He’d fought hard to stay awake as he had wanted to walk into the hotel himself and he’d known that if he’d slept in the minivan, Chad would have had to carry him in as he wouldn’t have woken. So, he’d made his mind concentrate on his friend, on the parfait they’d shared earlier that day because Gackt’s diet wouldn’t allow him to eat ice cream, but he craved it anyway, he’d thought of the play fight he’d had with You that morning because his sister had emailed him photos of Eneru and You wanted to see them before Gackt had finished emailing her back, but most of all, he’d thought of You’s smile and the unconditional friendship and love that the other man gave him.
But amongst the sunny thoughts of You, some darker thoughts had started to creep through the cracks, and Gackt knew that no matter how tired he felt now, when he was alone in that too large hotel room those thoughts would take over and stop him from achieving the rest he so desperately needed.
He’d accept and welcome every weakness his body could throw at him if it meant that the weaknesses of his mind would disappear.
“You-kun,” Gackt called softly. “Can I speak to you?”
Even before the words had been processed and understood by his distracted brain You was on his feet and walking towards Gackt. He never had been able to deny the man any request, no matter how large or small.
“Can we talk in the hallway?” Gackt asked quietly, waving away the offered support from Chad and silently bidding goodnight to everyone else with a nod of his head and the strongest wave of his hand he could muster.
You followed dutifully but didn’t need any explanation. He knew what Gackt was going to ask, he’d known it was coming ever since he’d seen Gackt standing in that doorway. He guessed that he could answer now and save Gackt the embarrassment he always felt at uttering those words, but this time, You felt like he needed to hear Gackt actually say those words, just to prove that this really was his Gackt, safe and sound.
Gackt’s gaze was fixed to the ground due to a combination of not wanting to look at You as he asked and the spreading tiredness that made it increasingly hard to keep his head up. “Will you..er… Damn. You’d think this would get easier after so any years of having to ask…”
You remained silent.
“I don’t want to… be alone,” Gackt spoke finally, each word another wound to his pride, “will you stay with me… tonight. In my room?”
There was only one answer. There was only ever one answer You could give. “Yes.”
They walked to the elevators together after You had waved Chad away and assured him that he could take care of Gackt if it was required. Gackt scowled at the mere suggestion that he needed taking care of, but knew that no matter how much he hated to admit it, at this point in time it was very possible that he might need some help.
There was nobody he trusted more than You to give him that help.
They entered the elevator in silence, Gackt pushing the button for his floor before You had even fully stepped into the elevator because dammit, he didn’t have the energy to do much right now, but he was perfectly capable of pressing the required elevator buttons. He felt his pride curl into a ball and die when You leaned over him and pressed the correct button for his floor. He was grateful when You made no comment about it.
The elevator doors opened and closed on the incorrect floor Gackt had picked on their way to the correct floor that You had picked. They exited the elevator in silence, Gackt first, You second and slowly walked down the corridor. Now that they were away from the crowd and You had nothing to think about other than Gackt, he could see from the careful but ungraceful steps that Gackt was taking that he was exhausted and ready to drop at any moment.
They reached You’s hotel room first. They both stood outside the door, one man with his tired gaze on the floor and the other with his every sense trained onto the man standing next to him. Gackt didn’t look particularly ill other than the tiredness, but he didn’t appear entirely healthy either. It was amazing how concentrating on Gackt could always make You’s headaches disappear.
You thought that he could probably guess why Gackt had requested his company tonight, but still felt the need to get it clarified. “Are you still feeling ill?” You asked. “Is that why you asked…”
“No, I feel fine,” Gackt interrupted. “I just… you know… hospitals.”
And You did know. He knew that those sterile, plain white walls that characterised every hospital in the country were something Gackt always tried to avoid. He knew the stories of how a young Gackt, seriously ill with some stomach illness he couldn’t name or pronounce, had been left to stare at those walls day after day, week after week without a friendly face by his side. He knew that Gackt had seen so many temporary friends suffer and die. He knew that Gackt had watched them be wheeled away from the ward to a private room somewhere to never return other than as spirits and demons in the nightmares of a child that was delirious with pain.
He knew that Gackt had cried for his parents and his siblings until his weak, fragile little body had given out and rendered him unconscious. You knew that Gackt’s parents had considered that visiting their nine year old son only once a week was enough. He also knew that Gackt’s parents had thought that his brother and sister hadn’t needed to see him or that depressing place at all.
He knew that hospitals were everything Gackt feared made manifest. Weakness, abandonment, rejection, loneliness… He also knew that if it hadn’t have been for Gackt’s elder sister You wouldn’t have known any of this at all.
Gackt detested weakness. Especially his own.
“Let me grab a few things from my room and I’ll come over to yours.”
“No, it’s okay,” Gackt said quietly. “I’ll wait in the hallway for you.”
You nodded in agreement, but made no comment. If Gackt couldn’t bear to be alone in his hotel room for even the briefest of times then the hospital visit must have shook him more than even You had considered possible. He quickly opened his hotel room door and practically ran inside.
As he flew around the room grabbing the few essentials that he needed before retiring for the night his mind drifted back to the man stood in the corridor. It had been sometime during the MARS tour that Gackt, then a mess of badly dyed hair, heavy eye shadow, lurid tight pants and a body so skinny it looked like it could break, had first approached him to share a room for the night. He could remember the quiet uncertainty in Gackt’s usually confident voice as he’d struggled for the right words to explain the reasoning behind such an odd request without revealing too much of the weaknesses he’d tried so hard to defeat.
You had taken pity on him, the nervous shake in his dear friend’s limbs enough to explain everything that needed to be explained. Gackt needed him. That was the only explanation You had required and as the years had progressed they’d fallen into a steady but infrequent routine where Gackt would need him and You would be by his side, no questions asked.
It had been quite some time since the last request but as soon as You had realised that the doctor wanted Gackt in the hospital, You had been expecting the request to follow. It was an obvious pattern, one that dictated that any trip to either the hospital or his parent’s homes would result in Gackt not wanting to be alone that night. He didn’t think that Gackt was aware of it, but You most certainly was and he had a suspicion that Chacha had also recognised the routine.
You picked up his contact lens case and ran out of the door.
*~*~*~
The living room of Gackt’s suite was immaculately clean, the only sign that someone had been living there for the past two days was the Mac on the coffee table, the sunglasses that lay beside them and the row of locked suitcases that lined the far wall. It was in stark contrast to You’s own room and to the piles of clothes scattered haphazardly around the cream coloured carpet and the empty Red Bull cans that littered the desk.
But, You knew that he could afford to be messy. After all, he didn’t have to worry about housekeeping stealing his clothes.
Gackt stood a few feet away from him trying to shrug off his light leather jacket, but he was having difficulty working it past his shoulders. You’s fingers itched to help, to grab the collar of the designer jacket and pull it from Gackt’s tired body, but he knew that Gackt wouldn’t appreciate the help.
You had learned a long time ago that the only way to deal with Gackt when he was this tired was to wait until he either asked for help or was too exhausted to argue. Jumping in before would only result in an argument that You didn’t have the energy for and it was pretty obvious that neither did Gackt.
Finally the jacket fell to the floor and Gackt merely stepped away from it, leaving the expensive leather as a jumbled pile on the otherwise spotless floor.
“Do you need to shower?” You asked.
Gackt jumped slightly as the quietness in the room and his ease at being in You’s presence had almost made him forget that You was even there. “No… I’m okay. I just need to clean up a little. You?”
“Just my contacts,” You said, waving his contacts case in the air to illustrate his point. “You should go first because it’s your suite.”
And because you look like you’re about to drop any second, You thought.
He kept that thought in his mind and simply watched as Gackt nodded in acknowledgement of his words and slowly walked to the bathroom. You waited for the door to shut behind him before he moved and then followed Gackt until he was as close to the bathroom door as he could manage. He listened intently, the sounds of Gackt shuffling around the small space and the sound of running water easily heard, but You wasn’t listening for those. He was listening for the dull thump of flesh meeting floor that would signify that Gackt’s tiredness finally had overtaken him.
Thankfully that sound never came, and Gackt soon opened the door, face clear of make up, hair brushed free of any styling products (and looking a little frizzy) and brown eyes so deep they were nearly black staring at him from underneath tired eyelids.
“You don’t need to guard me You, I’m perfectly capable of seeing myself to bed.”
There was a hint of amusement in the tired voice and it made You blush slightly. “The day I stop worrying about you Gaku, is the day I stop knowing you.”
Gackt smiled. “The bathroom’s yours.”
You removed his contact lenses and completed his nightly rituals as quickly as he could, changing into a loose pair of shorts that he’d owned since the RRI tour. Actually, if he thought about it, the shorts had originally been Gackt’s and had somehow become mixed in with his clothes during one of the many laundry days that had littered the tour. Gackt had never questioned their disappearance and You had never thought to give them back.
Gackt was sitting on the right edge of the king sized Western bed when You entered the bedroom. He’d already changed into a pair of dark green shorts that he often wore for their exercise sessions, and You couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He knew that Gackt usually slept naked as it was how he felt most comfortable, but Gackt would always make this little concession for You when they slept together.
But then again, Gackt, a usually quite selfish man by nature, would always make concessions for You.
The only light in the room came from a small light on the left hand side, You’s side, of the bed and the few bright lights of the city that were able to reach the fifteenth floor suite. It was deathly quiet, the only noise the faint sound of several humidifiers working overtime from their positions scattered around the room and together, the lights and noise bathed the room in an ethereal atmosphere that was only magnified by the presence of the man sitting on the bed.
You was a photographer. He knew how to create the perfectly framed shot, which colours looked the best and knew beauty when he saw it and seeing Gackt perched on the edge of the bed, his back arched forward as his elbows rested on his knees and his head was in his hands, the scant light reflecting off his endlessly smooth pale skin was the perfect shot.
But it was also the worst shot because You knew that no roll of film or digital memory card could ever capture the beauty before him adequately.
There was a slight shake to Gackt’s shoulders and as You walked closer he could see the tell tale bumps along Gackt’s forearms. “You should get underneath the covers Gaku. I’ll turn the air conditioning down.”
Gackt made no comment, but did as he was told, stretching out on his back along the right side of the bed. You knew that he’d been waiting for him to clean up before he got into bed.
You altered the air conditioning so that it was enough to counteract the growing heat, but not enough to chill and then climbed into bed, placing his glasses on the table beside him before turning off the light. He could barely feel the body heat radiating from the other man, but it was a comforting sensation nonetheless and something that he suddenly realised, he enjoyed feeling.
“Good night, You-kun.”
“Good night, Gaku.”
You remained on his back, his eyes opened and fixed on the ceiling. For several minutes he basked in the darkness of the room and the quiet hum of the humidifiers, the noise of Gackt shifting beneath the sheets occasionally reaching his ears as he tried to find a comfortable position. You didn’t dare close his eyes and risk sleep, not when…
“You-kun… Are you still awake?”
Not when he knew that Gackt would eventually want to talk before sleep finally claimed him. “I’m still awake.” I never fall asleep before you, no matter how tired I feel.
“I’m sorry for asking this of you again.”
“It’s okay, Gaku,” You replied and truly, it was.
Gackt sighed and rolled over, pulling the sheets from You somewhat as he moved. You looked across and was slightly surprised to see that Gackt was now lying on his side facing him, his eyes fixed on You’s and a blank expression on his face. You shifted until he was also on his side and stared right back.
“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t still be asking you to do this… I’m a grown man and I can’t sleep on my own some nights?!”
“We all get lonely and need some company from time to time.”
“Yet I’m the only one who needs his best friend to share a bed with him just so he can sleep.”
“No, you aren’t.”
Even in the darkness You could see the confusion that swept across Gackt’s face. “I’m the only one who ever asks for this…”
“…because other people don’t need to ask,” You interrupted. “They just need to say ‘yes’.”
It took a few seconds for You’s words to sink into Gackt’s tired brain and be interpreted for what they were, but when Gackt finally put the pieces together his lips curled into a bitter smile. “You’re just trying to make me feel better about asking you. I appreciate the effort, but you don’t need to lie to me.”
“I never lie to you, Gaku,” You said with a force and conviction that made Gackt’s back stiffen and his cheeks redden slightly, “I mean what I said. I don’t need to ask anyone to keep me company at night because I have you.
“There is always a point on the tour,” You continued,” when being away from home and everything that is mine starts to become too much. Call it home sickness if you want. Whenever it happens though I know that within a couple of days, I’ll be lying here with you again because it always seems to hit you at the same time. I guess we’re just that in tune with each other huh?”
“I never realised…”
“I never told you, Gaku,” You smiled. “It happens to everyone. You must have noticed that at least once every tour there’s a week, usually in the middle, where everyone goes crazy and drinks every night until they pass out. How many times have we found Chacha asleep and hung-over in strange places? That’s how he copes. This is how we cope. I think our way is less self destructive don’t you?”
The bitter smile remained on Gackt’s lips. He had no doubt that what You was saying was true and at times being away from home, from his sister and her children, Eneru, the few friends he had left and the comfort that could only be found in that space that was uniquely yours did affect him and he would also find solace in the bottom of a bottle or the arms of a willing fangirl but that wasn’t the entire truth… Sometimes, like tonight, he didn’t miss home at all, but needed the comfort all the same.
It was times like tonight when he’d looked in the sparkling mirror in his bathroom and seen lines etched into his face that hadn’t been there years earlier and had wondered why anyone would pay to see him. It was times like earlier that day when he’d been singing one of his songs in rehearsals and suddenly wondered why anyone would pay to listen to it. It was times like that morning when he’d done his duty and made his routine call to his father only to have been dismissed within two minutes because his father was too busy to talk to him, that made him wonder why anyone would want to listen to what he had to say.
It was tough to get to the top, to make them watch, listen and be interested in you. But Gackt knew that it was even tougher to stay there.
And that was the root of it all, really wasn’t it? He’d spent so many years pinning his life and his very soul on being ‘Gackt, The Rockstar’ that without that persona he felt lost and worthless. The Rockstar was beautiful, strong and the person everyone wanted to either be or be with. Gackt, the man was a walking mess of insecurities and flaws hidden by make up and pricey clothing. Who would want that?
It was the light brush of fingers against his and the hesitant palm that closed around his own that made him realise that You would want that.
“Sorry,” You said softly. “It looked like I was losing you to your thoughts so I decided to try and bring you back.”
Gackt felt You try to withdraw his hand, but he tightened his grip and held You’s hand fast. Their clasped hands lay between them, buried beneath the soft cream covers of Gackt’s comforter, but it didn’t dull the effect of the touch.
“Thank you,” Gackt replied. “I was drifting off there slightly.”
“Sometimes,” You began, “I wonder exactly what is running through that head of yours when you space out on me and I’d give anything to know. But other times, I think that it’s probably best that I don’t know.”
“How about now?” Gackt asked.
“Now?” You repeated. “Now, I’m pretty sure that I know what you’re thinking.”
Gackt scoffed. “I doubt that.”
“You called your father this morning, spent three hours in the hospital tonight and then asked me to keep you company. It’s not that difficult to figure out, Gaku.”
Gackt didn’t answer and You could see, even in the darkness, that he’d closed his eyes. He wasn’t asleep though, the speed of his breathing and the crushing force in his hand as it gripped You’s tighter was evidence of that. You felt a stab of regret at throwing the circumstances of the day back at Gackt, but the man was so infuriating sometimes. After all of their years together and all of the things they’d been through, there were still some dark thoughts that Gackt refused to voice to him for fear of looking weak. You just wanted Gackt to know that not only had he guessed most of those dark thoughts, but that he didn’t care.
To everyone else on the tour Gackt was the strong, self-assured leader who had talent to spare. He had confidence in himself and his gifts that sometimes came close to arrogance and expected nothing short of perfection from everyone, including himself. He knew he was good. He knew he was beautiful. He knew he was everything the fans had ever said about him and merely being in Gackt’s presence had the side effect of making everyone around him equally great and confident.
But You saw through the act. He always had. He’d recognised the scared teenager that felt completely out of his depth amongst the harshness of the Kyoto independent music scene. He’d seen the boy who questioned his own abilities despite his amazing natural musical talents. He’d realised that behind the arrogance and the bite me attitude that had alienated everyone that came into contact with him apart from himself and the ever calm and unfazed Ren, was a lost little boy who had no idea who he really was or who he wanted to be.
All of these years he’d stood beside Gackt, watching from the shadows as his friend strode into the bright lights of the national stage and soared. You had always known that behind the bluster was that same uncertainty, but he’d stood by him regardless and always would.
There was nothing Gackt could say that would make him leave his side. He just wished that Gackt realised that.
“I’m probably the only one who knows,” You said quietly. “Everyone else will think that you’re still ill and would just rather have me here than either the doctor or still be in hospital.”
“I never could fool you, could I?” Gackt asked, his eyes remaining closed as he spoke.
You chuckled. “And I could never fool you either.”
“I don’t know,” Gackt said, opening his eyes slowly, “some days I think you can.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You say that sometimes you wish you knew what was running through my mind, well, I can say the same about you. I wonder, sometimes, why you’ve stuck with me so long when everyone else leaves.”
“Chacha hasn’t..”
“I’m not talking about the band, You,” Gackt clarified.
There was something about the dead of the night and the thick darkness that covered so many things from view that always loosened Gackt’s tongue. It was always especially evident when he was tired as his mind could never work quickly enough to filter those comments and questions that he normally wouldn’t voice. You thought that maybe the darkness and the veil that it draped across everything made it easier to ask the difficult questions, but You always found that it didn’t make the answers any easier to come by.
“Why does anyone remain friends with anyone, Gaku? I enjoy your company, I like being with you. You make me happy and frustrated in equal measures and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with. You’ve given me no reason to leave.”
Gackt smiled. It was a tired smile, but a genuine one and it made You happy to see it. “What did I do to deserve you You-kun?”
The tiredness was creeping back into Gackt’s voice and it just made You’s smile even wider. “I think I’m probably a punishment for something you did in a previous life.”
Gackt’s eyes drifted closed, but his smile remained. “More a reward I think. Would you change things? If you had the chance to have never met me, would you take it? Your life would be so much simpler.”
“My life would be boring without you Gaku,” You said as he gave the hand he still held within his a little squeeze, “I’d probably be in the family business, married with three kids and balding.”
“Hmm,” Gackt murmured, “sounds like a nightmare.”
“And life with you is such a dream right?”
“You know it,” Gackt answered between yawns.
“Go to sleep Gaku. You can torment me some more in the morning.”
“’kay…” Gackt agreed. “Sleep well, You-kun.”
It only took another couple of minutes before Gackt’s breathing settled into that slow, steady rhythm that signalled he’d finally fallen asleep. You tried to extract his hand from Gackt’s, but every slight movement made the slumbering man murmur unhappily so You let the touch continue and was soon asleep himself.
In the morning, when they awoke to find the other man staring at them and their hands still tightly clasped between them, no comment was made. But when Gackt smiled at him, You couldn’t help but return it.
TBC
Notes
1) I've looked after people who've collapsed due to exhaustion and heat before so the part describing Gackt's collapse is based on that. For some, it took nearly an hour for them to come through it and I can say that it is very, very scary to see the first few times. You do, however, quickly get used to it.
2) I said it was going to get longer and more serious from this part on, and I meant it XD
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