Beginnings - EVER (9/15)
Title - Beginnings - EVER (9/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,801 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
The touring and personal issues finally catch up with Gackt in Germany.
Munich, July 22nd
It was during Lu:na that You first noticed something was wrong. So many years of playing at Gackt’s side had given him a sixth sense where the singer was concerned so no matter how preoccupied he was with playing his guitar or playing the crowd, there was always room in his mind for Gackt watching.
He’d dismissed the first stumble, shortly before Gackt ripped his shirt off, as Gackt merely tripping. The second stumble during the last chorus line, however, couldn’t be so easily dismissed. You turned his attention to Gackt and his heart sank at the sight of Gackt’s legs shaking and the uncharacteristic rivers of sweat that were running down his body.
He didn’t look good.
But, You thought as Lu:na finally finished, it was to be expected. Gackt hadn’t slept at all two nights ago in Barcelona thanks to his early morning wandering, and You doubted Gackt had slept during the mammoth coach ride that saw them drive from Spain to tonight’s current venue in Germany. You had woken several times during that ride and had always heard the same clacking noise from the bunk above his that signified that yes, Gackt was still busy typing on his Mac and no, he still wasn’t sleeping.
Gackt had not surfaced from his bunk during the entire drive other than for basic necessities. Chacha had tried to speak to him just as they were crossing the border to leave Spain, but Gackt had very rudely told Chacha to leave him alone. Chacha, never one to follow orders when he knows that they are wrong, refused to do so and instead, Gackt and Chacha began arguing.
Now, Gackt was refusing to speak to either of his guitarists, and Junji and Chirolyn had more sense than to try to approach the singer when he was in this kind of a mood. It had all contributed into making the rehearsal and sound check very awkward. You thought he would rather chew his own arm off than have to go through that experience again.
You didn’t know what to think. Gackt was being a selfish, obnoxious ass who, by bottling up his emotions and troubles, was affecting everyone on the tour and damaging the usually close relationship that existed between them all. Part of him wanted to scream at Gackt to pull himself together because Gackt’s stubborn behaviour was threatening a tour that they had all worked so hard for so many years for.
But, he also felt so much guilt as he knew it was his mishandling of the situation that had caused Gackt to act this way. When he saw a slightly vacant look in Gackt’s eyes as the singer’s gaze fell onto him during the introduction to Kimi ga Matteiru Kara, he wanted to take Gackt into his arms and simply hold him until everything was better again.
You knew it was the nightmares that were keeping Gackt awake at night. Gackt existed on the bare minimum of sleep required to still function so any reduction in that had dire effects on his body and his mind. The pool of sweat that was starting to accumulate on Gackt’s platform was evidence of that.
You caught Chacha’s eye and could see from the worry etched into the other guitarist’s face that he had also recognised how much Gackt was struggling. You found that all he could do was pray that Gackt made it through the show.
*~*~*~
It was as if the whole world had switched into playing in slow motion. You had seen Gackt’s knees buckle, his feet stumble as he tried to catch his balance and had then watched with horror and a frustrating sense of helplessness as Gackt had fallen, his body pitching forward off the stage and into the open arms of the fans in the first few rows.
He’d heard the screams from the crowd and the assorted panicked cries of the staff members, but his own voice had been stolen. He was vaguely aware that security were rescuing Gackt from the clutches of some of the fans and he felt a presence next to him that he knew was Chirolyn, the bass player having come to the front of the stage for a better view of what had happened to Gackt, but You’s focus was on Gackt. His eyes were trained on that body that normally looked so fit and sculpted, but now appeared just as thin and frail as it ever had.
Somehow, Gackt was back on stage. It was a natural, unconscious reaction that made You grab his right arm to support him as Chacha grabbed his left. Now that You stood so close to Gackt that their shoulders occasionally brushed against each other, he could see exactly how bad a state Gackt was really in.
Gackt barely had the strength to lift his head, but You was glad to see that the man was now conscious and that there was a spark of life in his eyes, albeit a faint one hidden behind a fog and haze that showed that part of Gackt was still firmly unconscious. He heard Chacha whisper a few words of encouragement to Gackt and felt him stir slightly, the noise and support from the crowd helping to bolster Gackt with strength he no longer had.
Then Gackt was looking at him, his fake blue eyes tired but happy. You couldn’t find any words to say so he merely nodded and offered the biggest smile he could muster. It was obviously fake and You had no doubt that Gackt could see this, but it made Gackt smile anyway. You figured he was just happy for the support, no matter who it came from.
“I’m okay, You-kun,” Gackt said softly. “You can let go now… I won’t fall again.”
You was unsure as there was still a tired shakiness to Gackt’s usually strong voice, but he saw Chacha step away and decided to do the same. There was nothing he could do but trust Gackt’s judgement. He released Gackt’s arm, but stayed close as Gackt addressed the fans, determined that if Gackt fell again, this time, he’d be there to catch him.
Just as he had been for the past eighteen years.
Just as he should have been tonight.
*~*~*~
Gackt could vaguely understand the words that were rushing past his ears. He could hear the voices of his trusted crew members speaking of a fall and felt a strong pair of hands grab each of his ankles in turn, his leg being twisted and then pressure being applied to a patch of skin that hurt, although he couldn’t understand why it hurt.
He couldn’t understand why he was sitting down either. Where was the stage? Wasn’t he halfway through a live? He remembered singing Lu:na… and Justified… and maybe Kagero? What happened to the rest of the set?
“Gakkun, honey.”
A voice he knew interrupted his confusion. It took Gackt a few seconds to process what he could hear, but eventually, he was able to recognise the voice. “Cha? What’s…?”
“Sssh,” Chacha uttered softly, one of his fingers pressing lightly against Gackt’s lips to stop him from speaking further. “Save your energy. That was a nasty fall.”
“I… fell?”
“You don’t remember?” Cha asked. The slight shake of Gackt’s head indicated he didn’t. “You fell from the stage, Gakkun. You have some cuts on your legs, but otherwise you’re okay, it seems that the crowd bore most of the impact of your fall.”
Ah, that would explain the pain in his legs. He still couldn’t remember though. He hated this feeling, when he was aware enough to understand what was happening, but his memory was either faulty or still in a daze. He felt disorientated, confused and so tired he could barely find the strength to breathe.
“Cha, what happened?”
“You scared us, is what happened,” answered Junji. Gackt hadn’t even known the drummer was there. “One second you were on stage and the next… BAM. Falling into the arms of the fangirls in the first few rows.”
“I think he’d already blacked out before that,” Chirolyn interrupted. Gackt hadn’t seen him approach either. “He looked completely dazed during EVER.”
“Okay, okay,” Chacha said firmly, “this discussion isn’t helping. The doctor says that you’ll be fine, Gakkun. You’re a little dehydrated again, but it’s not that bad this time so you don’t need a hospital. What you do need though, is some sleep.”
“Sleep sounds good right now,” Gackt said quietly.
“He must still be delirious if he’s saying that,” Junji stated. “I always thought sleep was the big bad enemy in Gackt-land.”
Chacha couldn’t help but smile. Bless Junji, always trying to lighten the mood and joke no matter what the situation was because he knew just as well as Chacha knew that Gackt reacted better to jokes than to orders. Chacha also knew that Junji was having difficulty in finding the jokes right now because the drummer had looked just as worried and frightened when Gackt hit the floor as everyone else had.
“I need to shower,” Gackt said, trying to get to his feet.
“Oh no, honey,” Chacha stated firmly, one of his hands coming to rest on Gackt’s bare left shoulder in order to keep him in his seat. “You aren’t going anywhere until we’re all sure that you’re fit enough to walk without falling and breaking your pretty face. You really did worry us all.”
All? It seemed to Gackt that someone was missing. “Where’s You?”
Chirolyn answered. “He’s handling management. They wanted you in a hospital, regardless of what the doctor said, and You’s trying to talk them out of sending you to one. He said that you wouldn’t appreciate a visit to another hospital this tour.”
Gackt didn’t respond.
“He was worried, Gakkun,” Chacha said in a voice so small it was almost a whisper. He didn’t know how Gackt would react to speaking of You right now, especially after the rather spectacular shouting match he’d had with Gackt on the bus the day before. At least it seemed that argument had been forgotten for the foreseeable future. “He was more worried than everyone else added together.”
Gackt found that hard to believe, but remained silent. His memory was starting to emerge from the fog that was wrapped around it but it was a slow process. He remembered being pushed back on stage by the security team and then being helped up by Chacha and You. He could remember how weak and tired he had felt and how certain he’d been that he wouldn’t be able to continue with the tour. But then You had smiled at him, and Gackt had been able to find that strength that he thought had deserted him.
Before anything further could be said, the door to Gackt’s dressing room opened and You poked his head around the door. He saw a sleepy but thankful smile spread across Gackt’s still too pale and too sweaty face but You didn’t return the expression. He couldn’t even find the false cheer needed for a fake smile anymore.
“I’ve cleared it with management,” You stated. “As soon as he’s able to shower and change, we’re going back to the hotel.”
As soon as those few words had left You’s lips, his head disappeared and he firmly shut the door behind him.
“He was worried, Cha?” Gackt asked sadly. “He couldn’t come into the room properly. He spoke as if I wasn’t even here.”
Chacha couldn’t understand it either. You had been worried, there was no denying that. You also said that he wanted to make things better between them and this would have been the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t Chacha’s place to be sitting next to Gackt, right hand stroking Gackt’s back in reassurance while his left hand delicately picked away those loose strands of hair that were sticking to Gackt’s still flushed face. No, it should have been You doing these things, and no matter how annoying Gackt’s pride was at times, Chacha had no doubt that Gackt would have welcomed You right now and would have allowed things to be the way they should be.
Why did You walk away like that?
“Well, you heard what You said,” Gackt stated with a voice that was becoming stronger but less emotional with every word, “I need to shower and then we can go.” Gackt could sense the arguments coming but stopped them all in their tracks. “I’ll be fine, I’m not going to drown in the shower.”
“Are you sure?” Junji asked.
Gackt managed another tired and entirely lifeless smile. “I’m sure. Just give me fifteen minutes.”
Chacha still thought that Gackt was too weak to shower, but made no comment. He could see that Gackt was slowly coming back to himself and that steely determination that had carried Gackt further than anyone had ever thought he’d reach was back in his eyes. To Gackt that shower was now just another obstacle he had to conquer, and Chacha knew from experience that Gackt rarely failed to conquer any obstacles.
“Okay,” Chacha agreed. “But I’m going to wait outside and if you take longer than fifteen minutes, even by one second, I’m coming in.”
Gackt managed a sad half smile. “Understood.”
Chacha watched with rapt attention as Gackt slowly got to his feet and walked over to the shower room that was attached to the dressing room. Gackt was still shaky, but he was stronger than Chacha had expected so the guitarist bid goodbye to Junji and Chirolyn and made himself comfortable on the chair Gackt had just vacated.
Then, he began staring at his watch.
*~*~*~
Gackt couldn’t remember the last time he felt this tired. Simply walking across his suite to fetch the bottle of water he’d left there earlier seemed as far and difficult as running a marathon. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers of his hotel room bed, smaller than his own at home but it would do, and disappear into sleep for a week.
But, there were more rehearsals ahead of the Nico Nico broadcast of the next show, he had a photo shoot scheduled for tomorrow, interviews in the afternoon and knew that he should really look over the plans for the final YFC shows in Tokyo again. He also knew that being so physically exhausted that it had taken him three minutes to shrug off his slip on shoes without tripping was no barrier to the nightmares.
He wished that he had an off switch for his mind. He knew that if he worked hard enough and pushed himself too much his body would shut down, but he’d yet to find anything that would have a similar effect on his mind. He’d tried to drown his thoughts in every alcoholic drink he could find, but all it had accomplished over the years was a too high tolerance for alcohol, some severe headaches and raging nightmares that haunted him even as his head pounded.
His only defence against the terrors his mind would throw at him had been You. The guitarist’s soothing presence had always been able to lock the nightmares away. Just having You there, a reassuring warmth lying alongside him and occasionally snoring, was enough to give Gackt the comfort he needed and the reassurance that he wasn’t alone, no matter what the nightmares wanted him to think.
He should have realised years ago that he was in love with You.
You. Gackt didn’t want to think about You anymore than he wanted to think about those nightmares. You’s disregard for his health at the venue had hurt Gackt, but it was nothing compared to how You had practically ignored him throughout the ride back to the hotel. You had yet to utter a single word to him since they’d come off stage. Even some of the staff members who worked for the Theaterfabrik, the concert venue, and not for Gackt had tried in very simple English to ask him if he was okay, but You, the man who had been by his side for eighteen years couldn’t even look at him.
Gackt had never been the type of man who cried through pain or sorrow. He would cry when he laughed and he would cry sometimes when he was happy but it had been a long time, the death of Ogata Ken if he recalled correctly, since he had cried because he was upset. As Gackt sat there in his hotel suite, his limbs unmoving because he didn’t have the strength to move them and his bed empty because his ever faithful You could no longer bear to speak to him, he could feel the hot tears building in his eyes.
A rapid knock on his door made him swallow the tears back down.
It took Gackt longer than he would have liked, but he was finally able to get to his feet and shuffle over to his hotel room door, barely avoiding those scattered shoes that had proved so troublesome to take off earlier. He didn’t look through the spy hole to see who was there, he simply opened the door and leaned against it, borrowing the strength of the wood to keep him upright.
“You…?”
Gackt couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice or in his eyes and had no desire to do either when he saw You standing on his doorstep. You was staring at him, those big brown eyes concentrating on him with a strength that made Gackt step back slightly. You wore just shorts and a T shirt and held in his hands so tightly that his knuckles were turning white was a bag that Gackt recognised easily.
You’s toiletries bag.
“You? Wha…?”
“Shut up, Gackt,” You said firmly. “I’m not going to argue with you tonight.”
Gackt could only watch in shocked silence as You pushed past him into the suite and headed straight for the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a bang. Gackt could hear the sound of running water as You completed his nightly routine and finally, Gackt’s brain caught up with what his eyes had seen.
You was dressed for bed. You had his night things with him. You was now brushing his teeth in Gackt’s bathroom.
If Gackt didn’t know better, he’d think that You was planning on staying the night.
Gackt was so busy thinking that he didn’t realise the running water had stopped and he was surprised when the door to his bedroom opened, You having exited the bathroom through the door connecting to the bedroom instead of the main room.
“Well?” You asked, “didn’t the doctor tell you to get some sleep? Don’t you think you should follow his advice and get in bed?”
When Gackt didn’t reply quickly enough for You’s liking, You merely walked over to Gackt, grabbed his left arm and dragged him into the bedroom. Gackt was still too stunned to fight back, but as soon as his heels crossed the threshold and he found himself being forced towards the bed, the shock wore off.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Gackt asked.
“I’m looking after you because you never look after yourself,” You replied.
Gackt dug his heels into the plush carpet and used what little strength he had left to wriggle out of You’s grip. “Why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You couldn’t even look at me earlier.”
“Gackt… I’m sor…”
“No, You,” Gackt interrupted, “I don’t want to hear any apologies. You can’t just come running in here and start ordering me about, not after you’ve ignored me and made it quite plain that you don’t care.”
You, to his credit, looked a little sheepish. He guessed that his hot and cold behaviour would seem a little strange. “I’ve never stopped caring.”
“Really? You have a really strange way of showing that you care, You. You’ve done everything you can these last few days to ignore me so don’t play the concerned friend now!”
Gackt knew that by the end of his speech he was nearly shouting, but he couldn’t stop himself. The feelings that had brought him to the brink of tears earlier had mutated into anger, anger at You for treating him that badly and anger at himself for caring.
“Did Chacha ask you to come? Has he been interfering again? I bet the two of you have been talking about me haven’t you? Laughing at me?” He was being unreasonable, even Gackt knew this, but You’s dismissal of him had hurt so much and he couldn’t understand why You would be here now when he’d made it so obvious that he didn’t want Gackt in his life anymore.
“Gackt, shut up,” You stated again. “I said I didn’t want to argue with you and I don’t, okay? We’ve argued enough lately.”
“Then why are you here? Have you come to see how badly I’m coping without you? Does that make you happy?!”
You grabbed Gackt by his upper arms and held him firmly, easily shrugging off Gackt’s attempts to loosen his grip. “Happy? It makes me miserable. These past few weeks haven’t been easy for me either, but whenever I try to make things better, I just make them worse.”
When Gackt spoke his voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, his earlier angry outburst having stolen the last bit of energy he had left. “Why are you here, You?”
“I’m worried about you, Gaku,” You said softly, “really worried. I know that you’re not sleeping and can see the effect it’s having on you. I feel so guilty because I should be helping you through this, but instead, I’ve just been pushing you away and taking my guilt out on you. I’m so, so sorry.”
Gackt closed his eyes. You’s hands were still on his arms, holding him firmly so that he couldn’t escape, but that was fine with him because he didn’t really want to escape anyway. “I said I don’t want any apologies.”
“I know, I know,” You said, “that’s another reason why I’m here. I know that you don’t want people to waste time apologising when they could be making things right so I’m here to do that. To make things right.”
Gackt opened his eyes slowly. It took a few seconds for his eyes to focus due to his tiredness, but when they did all he could see was You’s heartbreakingly bright smile. “How… how do you plan to do that?”
“By helping you sleep, Gaku,” You explained.
Gackt remained silent as You manoeuvred him towards the right hand side of the bed and he sat down without protest when You gestured for him to do so. It was so unlike him to be this docile, even when tired, but that smile of You’s had him transfixed. It had been so long since that smile had been trained on him that Gackt couldn’t look away.
You let go of Gackt’s arms and simply looked at him for a few moments. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to look at Gackt, really look at him in what seemed like forever. Gackt was tired, his face was the wrong shade of pale and his skin was still slightly clammy, all evidence of the toll of the last few days but underneath it all, he was still Gackt and always would be.
“I’m staying with you tonight,” You said firmly.
Gackt’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m staying with you tonight,” You reiterated. “You need the sleep and I need to know that you’re alright.”
You’s words, “I need to know that you’re alright”, instantly transported Gackt back to his birthday night in Osaka, the night that You had said that to him last and the night when Gackt had finally realised what should have been obvious all along; that he loved You. Back then things had been easier between them, they hadn’t had Gackt’s unrequited love between them.
“Are you sure? I mean… It isn’t going to be…” Gackt struggled to find the right word, “awkward?”
You sighed. He understood the real question Gackt was asking of course. Will it be awkward for us to share a bed again now that you know that I love you? The fact that Gackt, usually never at a loss for words or embarrassed, couldn’t state the issue that plainly made You realise how much Gackt regretted telling him. Gackt couldn’t say the words again and had tried so hard to be friends and to put it all behind them, and You had just thrown it back at him.
Yet another thing for You to feel guilty about.
“It won’t be awkward, Gaku,” You said, “we’ve done it before.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Gackt said softly.
You sat down on the bed next to Gackt. “I know it wasn’t. I want to repair our friendship and this is one of those things that we always did together, as friends. It won’t feel awkward for me because I trust you. If it’ll be awkward for you though, I’ll understand.”
If Gackt was honest with himself, he knew that it would be more than awkward to have You in his bed again, as friends, when he wanted him there as so much more. Gackt also knew that he wanted You’s friendship again and needed his presence in order to sleep so there was no room for awkwardness or for his pride.
“It’ll be fine.”
“Good,” You said with a slightly nervous smile. “You should get in bed… unless you need my help?”
Gackt snorted. “I may be tired, but I can still manage that.”
You made no comment and walked around to the left side of the bed, his side, and lay down. He remained silent, even when it took Gackt far longer than it should have done to undress and work his way under the covers. You switched off the light but continued to lie there, eyes open and fixed on the body heat and rhythmic breathing of the man lying next to him.
You was surprised to find that it truly wasn’t awkward. He’d come into Gackt’s hotel room earlier with all guns blazing because he knew that the conversation with Gackt that was due to follow could have easily been the most difficult and awkward conversation he’d ever had, and he wanted to try and control it. You had figured out that afternoon that he had to be the one to make the first move and find a way to apologise because he knew that Gackt’s pride, no matter how tired or upset he may have felt, would never have allowed Gackt to make the first move,
The conversation that had followed had been easier than You had expected. Sure, Gackt had been angry with him at first, but You felt that it was deserved and he was surprised that Gackt’s anger had disappeared so quickly although You suspected it was Gackt’s tiredness that had calmed things down. Gackt needed him, and You was just glad that Gackt seemed to have realised that too. If Gackt hadn’t have realised that it would have made the conversation very uncomfortable.
You could feel his eyelids growing heavy, but he refused to fall asleep. He couldn’t sleep while Gackt was fidgeting next to him, obviously still awake. You always waited for Gackt to fall asleep first, just like Gackt always spoke to him before falling asleep.
“You?” Gackt said quietly and tentatively.
“Yes, Gaku?”
Gackt sighed. This was difficult for him to say. “You’ll still be here in the morning, right? I mean, we aren’t going to start ignoring each other again are we?”
“Gaku, I won’t lie to you and say that in the morning everything will be back the way it used to be because we can’t undo the last few weeks that quickly. This is a start, this is us slowly putting things back together again.”
“A start?” Gackt questioned, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
“A start,” You confirmed. “I promise you, Gaku, things will be back to normal. It will just take a little time, that’s all.”
You sounded so sure, so certain that their friendship would recover that despite the darkness Gackt found himself smiling. He suddenly felt so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Gackt recognised that finally, his brain was beginning to switch off in the same way his body already had.
Gackt yawned, fighting sleep for just a few seconds more. “Okay… I’ll see you in the morning, hmm?”
You knew that Gackt had already fallen asleep, but he answered anyway. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
TBC...
Notes
1) As I stated at the start, this was written before the release of the European tour DVD so I know that Gackt's fall didn't happen quite like this but that's why this is fiction!
2) I think we might be getting somewhere now...
Previous chapter - VANILLA
Next chapter - JUSTIFIED
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,801 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
The touring and personal issues finally catch up with Gackt in Germany.
Munich, July 22nd
It was during Lu:na that You first noticed something was wrong. So many years of playing at Gackt’s side had given him a sixth sense where the singer was concerned so no matter how preoccupied he was with playing his guitar or playing the crowd, there was always room in his mind for Gackt watching.
He’d dismissed the first stumble, shortly before Gackt ripped his shirt off, as Gackt merely tripping. The second stumble during the last chorus line, however, couldn’t be so easily dismissed. You turned his attention to Gackt and his heart sank at the sight of Gackt’s legs shaking and the uncharacteristic rivers of sweat that were running down his body.
He didn’t look good.
But, You thought as Lu:na finally finished, it was to be expected. Gackt hadn’t slept at all two nights ago in Barcelona thanks to his early morning wandering, and You doubted Gackt had slept during the mammoth coach ride that saw them drive from Spain to tonight’s current venue in Germany. You had woken several times during that ride and had always heard the same clacking noise from the bunk above his that signified that yes, Gackt was still busy typing on his Mac and no, he still wasn’t sleeping.
Gackt had not surfaced from his bunk during the entire drive other than for basic necessities. Chacha had tried to speak to him just as they were crossing the border to leave Spain, but Gackt had very rudely told Chacha to leave him alone. Chacha, never one to follow orders when he knows that they are wrong, refused to do so and instead, Gackt and Chacha began arguing.
Now, Gackt was refusing to speak to either of his guitarists, and Junji and Chirolyn had more sense than to try to approach the singer when he was in this kind of a mood. It had all contributed into making the rehearsal and sound check very awkward. You thought he would rather chew his own arm off than have to go through that experience again.
You didn’t know what to think. Gackt was being a selfish, obnoxious ass who, by bottling up his emotions and troubles, was affecting everyone on the tour and damaging the usually close relationship that existed between them all. Part of him wanted to scream at Gackt to pull himself together because Gackt’s stubborn behaviour was threatening a tour that they had all worked so hard for so many years for.
But, he also felt so much guilt as he knew it was his mishandling of the situation that had caused Gackt to act this way. When he saw a slightly vacant look in Gackt’s eyes as the singer’s gaze fell onto him during the introduction to Kimi ga Matteiru Kara, he wanted to take Gackt into his arms and simply hold him until everything was better again.
You knew it was the nightmares that were keeping Gackt awake at night. Gackt existed on the bare minimum of sleep required to still function so any reduction in that had dire effects on his body and his mind. The pool of sweat that was starting to accumulate on Gackt’s platform was evidence of that.
You caught Chacha’s eye and could see from the worry etched into the other guitarist’s face that he had also recognised how much Gackt was struggling. You found that all he could do was pray that Gackt made it through the show.
*~*~*~
It was as if the whole world had switched into playing in slow motion. You had seen Gackt’s knees buckle, his feet stumble as he tried to catch his balance and had then watched with horror and a frustrating sense of helplessness as Gackt had fallen, his body pitching forward off the stage and into the open arms of the fans in the first few rows.
He’d heard the screams from the crowd and the assorted panicked cries of the staff members, but his own voice had been stolen. He was vaguely aware that security were rescuing Gackt from the clutches of some of the fans and he felt a presence next to him that he knew was Chirolyn, the bass player having come to the front of the stage for a better view of what had happened to Gackt, but You’s focus was on Gackt. His eyes were trained on that body that normally looked so fit and sculpted, but now appeared just as thin and frail as it ever had.
Somehow, Gackt was back on stage. It was a natural, unconscious reaction that made You grab his right arm to support him as Chacha grabbed his left. Now that You stood so close to Gackt that their shoulders occasionally brushed against each other, he could see exactly how bad a state Gackt was really in.
Gackt barely had the strength to lift his head, but You was glad to see that the man was now conscious and that there was a spark of life in his eyes, albeit a faint one hidden behind a fog and haze that showed that part of Gackt was still firmly unconscious. He heard Chacha whisper a few words of encouragement to Gackt and felt him stir slightly, the noise and support from the crowd helping to bolster Gackt with strength he no longer had.
Then Gackt was looking at him, his fake blue eyes tired but happy. You couldn’t find any words to say so he merely nodded and offered the biggest smile he could muster. It was obviously fake and You had no doubt that Gackt could see this, but it made Gackt smile anyway. You figured he was just happy for the support, no matter who it came from.
“I’m okay, You-kun,” Gackt said softly. “You can let go now… I won’t fall again.”
You was unsure as there was still a tired shakiness to Gackt’s usually strong voice, but he saw Chacha step away and decided to do the same. There was nothing he could do but trust Gackt’s judgement. He released Gackt’s arm, but stayed close as Gackt addressed the fans, determined that if Gackt fell again, this time, he’d be there to catch him.
Just as he had been for the past eighteen years.
Just as he should have been tonight.
*~*~*~
Gackt could vaguely understand the words that were rushing past his ears. He could hear the voices of his trusted crew members speaking of a fall and felt a strong pair of hands grab each of his ankles in turn, his leg being twisted and then pressure being applied to a patch of skin that hurt, although he couldn’t understand why it hurt.
He couldn’t understand why he was sitting down either. Where was the stage? Wasn’t he halfway through a live? He remembered singing Lu:na… and Justified… and maybe Kagero? What happened to the rest of the set?
“Gakkun, honey.”
A voice he knew interrupted his confusion. It took Gackt a few seconds to process what he could hear, but eventually, he was able to recognise the voice. “Cha? What’s…?”
“Sssh,” Chacha uttered softly, one of his fingers pressing lightly against Gackt’s lips to stop him from speaking further. “Save your energy. That was a nasty fall.”
“I… fell?”
“You don’t remember?” Cha asked. The slight shake of Gackt’s head indicated he didn’t. “You fell from the stage, Gakkun. You have some cuts on your legs, but otherwise you’re okay, it seems that the crowd bore most of the impact of your fall.”
Ah, that would explain the pain in his legs. He still couldn’t remember though. He hated this feeling, when he was aware enough to understand what was happening, but his memory was either faulty or still in a daze. He felt disorientated, confused and so tired he could barely find the strength to breathe.
“Cha, what happened?”
“You scared us, is what happened,” answered Junji. Gackt hadn’t even known the drummer was there. “One second you were on stage and the next… BAM. Falling into the arms of the fangirls in the first few rows.”
“I think he’d already blacked out before that,” Chirolyn interrupted. Gackt hadn’t seen him approach either. “He looked completely dazed during EVER.”
“Okay, okay,” Chacha said firmly, “this discussion isn’t helping. The doctor says that you’ll be fine, Gakkun. You’re a little dehydrated again, but it’s not that bad this time so you don’t need a hospital. What you do need though, is some sleep.”
“Sleep sounds good right now,” Gackt said quietly.
“He must still be delirious if he’s saying that,” Junji stated. “I always thought sleep was the big bad enemy in Gackt-land.”
Chacha couldn’t help but smile. Bless Junji, always trying to lighten the mood and joke no matter what the situation was because he knew just as well as Chacha knew that Gackt reacted better to jokes than to orders. Chacha also knew that Junji was having difficulty in finding the jokes right now because the drummer had looked just as worried and frightened when Gackt hit the floor as everyone else had.
“I need to shower,” Gackt said, trying to get to his feet.
“Oh no, honey,” Chacha stated firmly, one of his hands coming to rest on Gackt’s bare left shoulder in order to keep him in his seat. “You aren’t going anywhere until we’re all sure that you’re fit enough to walk without falling and breaking your pretty face. You really did worry us all.”
All? It seemed to Gackt that someone was missing. “Where’s You?”
Chirolyn answered. “He’s handling management. They wanted you in a hospital, regardless of what the doctor said, and You’s trying to talk them out of sending you to one. He said that you wouldn’t appreciate a visit to another hospital this tour.”
Gackt didn’t respond.
“He was worried, Gakkun,” Chacha said in a voice so small it was almost a whisper. He didn’t know how Gackt would react to speaking of You right now, especially after the rather spectacular shouting match he’d had with Gackt on the bus the day before. At least it seemed that argument had been forgotten for the foreseeable future. “He was more worried than everyone else added together.”
Gackt found that hard to believe, but remained silent. His memory was starting to emerge from the fog that was wrapped around it but it was a slow process. He remembered being pushed back on stage by the security team and then being helped up by Chacha and You. He could remember how weak and tired he had felt and how certain he’d been that he wouldn’t be able to continue with the tour. But then You had smiled at him, and Gackt had been able to find that strength that he thought had deserted him.
Before anything further could be said, the door to Gackt’s dressing room opened and You poked his head around the door. He saw a sleepy but thankful smile spread across Gackt’s still too pale and too sweaty face but You didn’t return the expression. He couldn’t even find the false cheer needed for a fake smile anymore.
“I’ve cleared it with management,” You stated. “As soon as he’s able to shower and change, we’re going back to the hotel.”
As soon as those few words had left You’s lips, his head disappeared and he firmly shut the door behind him.
“He was worried, Cha?” Gackt asked sadly. “He couldn’t come into the room properly. He spoke as if I wasn’t even here.”
Chacha couldn’t understand it either. You had been worried, there was no denying that. You also said that he wanted to make things better between them and this would have been the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t Chacha’s place to be sitting next to Gackt, right hand stroking Gackt’s back in reassurance while his left hand delicately picked away those loose strands of hair that were sticking to Gackt’s still flushed face. No, it should have been You doing these things, and no matter how annoying Gackt’s pride was at times, Chacha had no doubt that Gackt would have welcomed You right now and would have allowed things to be the way they should be.
Why did You walk away like that?
“Well, you heard what You said,” Gackt stated with a voice that was becoming stronger but less emotional with every word, “I need to shower and then we can go.” Gackt could sense the arguments coming but stopped them all in their tracks. “I’ll be fine, I’m not going to drown in the shower.”
“Are you sure?” Junji asked.
Gackt managed another tired and entirely lifeless smile. “I’m sure. Just give me fifteen minutes.”
Chacha still thought that Gackt was too weak to shower, but made no comment. He could see that Gackt was slowly coming back to himself and that steely determination that had carried Gackt further than anyone had ever thought he’d reach was back in his eyes. To Gackt that shower was now just another obstacle he had to conquer, and Chacha knew from experience that Gackt rarely failed to conquer any obstacles.
“Okay,” Chacha agreed. “But I’m going to wait outside and if you take longer than fifteen minutes, even by one second, I’m coming in.”
Gackt managed a sad half smile. “Understood.”
Chacha watched with rapt attention as Gackt slowly got to his feet and walked over to the shower room that was attached to the dressing room. Gackt was still shaky, but he was stronger than Chacha had expected so the guitarist bid goodbye to Junji and Chirolyn and made himself comfortable on the chair Gackt had just vacated.
Then, he began staring at his watch.
*~*~*~
Gackt couldn’t remember the last time he felt this tired. Simply walking across his suite to fetch the bottle of water he’d left there earlier seemed as far and difficult as running a marathon. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers of his hotel room bed, smaller than his own at home but it would do, and disappear into sleep for a week.
But, there were more rehearsals ahead of the Nico Nico broadcast of the next show, he had a photo shoot scheduled for tomorrow, interviews in the afternoon and knew that he should really look over the plans for the final YFC shows in Tokyo again. He also knew that being so physically exhausted that it had taken him three minutes to shrug off his slip on shoes without tripping was no barrier to the nightmares.
He wished that he had an off switch for his mind. He knew that if he worked hard enough and pushed himself too much his body would shut down, but he’d yet to find anything that would have a similar effect on his mind. He’d tried to drown his thoughts in every alcoholic drink he could find, but all it had accomplished over the years was a too high tolerance for alcohol, some severe headaches and raging nightmares that haunted him even as his head pounded.
His only defence against the terrors his mind would throw at him had been You. The guitarist’s soothing presence had always been able to lock the nightmares away. Just having You there, a reassuring warmth lying alongside him and occasionally snoring, was enough to give Gackt the comfort he needed and the reassurance that he wasn’t alone, no matter what the nightmares wanted him to think.
He should have realised years ago that he was in love with You.
You. Gackt didn’t want to think about You anymore than he wanted to think about those nightmares. You’s disregard for his health at the venue had hurt Gackt, but it was nothing compared to how You had practically ignored him throughout the ride back to the hotel. You had yet to utter a single word to him since they’d come off stage. Even some of the staff members who worked for the Theaterfabrik, the concert venue, and not for Gackt had tried in very simple English to ask him if he was okay, but You, the man who had been by his side for eighteen years couldn’t even look at him.
Gackt had never been the type of man who cried through pain or sorrow. He would cry when he laughed and he would cry sometimes when he was happy but it had been a long time, the death of Ogata Ken if he recalled correctly, since he had cried because he was upset. As Gackt sat there in his hotel suite, his limbs unmoving because he didn’t have the strength to move them and his bed empty because his ever faithful You could no longer bear to speak to him, he could feel the hot tears building in his eyes.
A rapid knock on his door made him swallow the tears back down.
It took Gackt longer than he would have liked, but he was finally able to get to his feet and shuffle over to his hotel room door, barely avoiding those scattered shoes that had proved so troublesome to take off earlier. He didn’t look through the spy hole to see who was there, he simply opened the door and leaned against it, borrowing the strength of the wood to keep him upright.
“You…?”
Gackt couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice or in his eyes and had no desire to do either when he saw You standing on his doorstep. You was staring at him, those big brown eyes concentrating on him with a strength that made Gackt step back slightly. You wore just shorts and a T shirt and held in his hands so tightly that his knuckles were turning white was a bag that Gackt recognised easily.
You’s toiletries bag.
“You? Wha…?”
“Shut up, Gackt,” You said firmly. “I’m not going to argue with you tonight.”
Gackt could only watch in shocked silence as You pushed past him into the suite and headed straight for the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a bang. Gackt could hear the sound of running water as You completed his nightly routine and finally, Gackt’s brain caught up with what his eyes had seen.
You was dressed for bed. You had his night things with him. You was now brushing his teeth in Gackt’s bathroom.
If Gackt didn’t know better, he’d think that You was planning on staying the night.
Gackt was so busy thinking that he didn’t realise the running water had stopped and he was surprised when the door to his bedroom opened, You having exited the bathroom through the door connecting to the bedroom instead of the main room.
“Well?” You asked, “didn’t the doctor tell you to get some sleep? Don’t you think you should follow his advice and get in bed?”
When Gackt didn’t reply quickly enough for You’s liking, You merely walked over to Gackt, grabbed his left arm and dragged him into the bedroom. Gackt was still too stunned to fight back, but as soon as his heels crossed the threshold and he found himself being forced towards the bed, the shock wore off.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Gackt asked.
“I’m looking after you because you never look after yourself,” You replied.
Gackt dug his heels into the plush carpet and used what little strength he had left to wriggle out of You’s grip. “Why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You couldn’t even look at me earlier.”
“Gackt… I’m sor…”
“No, You,” Gackt interrupted, “I don’t want to hear any apologies. You can’t just come running in here and start ordering me about, not after you’ve ignored me and made it quite plain that you don’t care.”
You, to his credit, looked a little sheepish. He guessed that his hot and cold behaviour would seem a little strange. “I’ve never stopped caring.”
“Really? You have a really strange way of showing that you care, You. You’ve done everything you can these last few days to ignore me so don’t play the concerned friend now!”
Gackt knew that by the end of his speech he was nearly shouting, but he couldn’t stop himself. The feelings that had brought him to the brink of tears earlier had mutated into anger, anger at You for treating him that badly and anger at himself for caring.
“Did Chacha ask you to come? Has he been interfering again? I bet the two of you have been talking about me haven’t you? Laughing at me?” He was being unreasonable, even Gackt knew this, but You’s dismissal of him had hurt so much and he couldn’t understand why You would be here now when he’d made it so obvious that he didn’t want Gackt in his life anymore.
“Gackt, shut up,” You stated again. “I said I didn’t want to argue with you and I don’t, okay? We’ve argued enough lately.”
“Then why are you here? Have you come to see how badly I’m coping without you? Does that make you happy?!”
You grabbed Gackt by his upper arms and held him firmly, easily shrugging off Gackt’s attempts to loosen his grip. “Happy? It makes me miserable. These past few weeks haven’t been easy for me either, but whenever I try to make things better, I just make them worse.”
When Gackt spoke his voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, his earlier angry outburst having stolen the last bit of energy he had left. “Why are you here, You?”
“I’m worried about you, Gaku,” You said softly, “really worried. I know that you’re not sleeping and can see the effect it’s having on you. I feel so guilty because I should be helping you through this, but instead, I’ve just been pushing you away and taking my guilt out on you. I’m so, so sorry.”
Gackt closed his eyes. You’s hands were still on his arms, holding him firmly so that he couldn’t escape, but that was fine with him because he didn’t really want to escape anyway. “I said I don’t want any apologies.”
“I know, I know,” You said, “that’s another reason why I’m here. I know that you don’t want people to waste time apologising when they could be making things right so I’m here to do that. To make things right.”
Gackt opened his eyes slowly. It took a few seconds for his eyes to focus due to his tiredness, but when they did all he could see was You’s heartbreakingly bright smile. “How… how do you plan to do that?”
“By helping you sleep, Gaku,” You explained.
Gackt remained silent as You manoeuvred him towards the right hand side of the bed and he sat down without protest when You gestured for him to do so. It was so unlike him to be this docile, even when tired, but that smile of You’s had him transfixed. It had been so long since that smile had been trained on him that Gackt couldn’t look away.
You let go of Gackt’s arms and simply looked at him for a few moments. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to look at Gackt, really look at him in what seemed like forever. Gackt was tired, his face was the wrong shade of pale and his skin was still slightly clammy, all evidence of the toll of the last few days but underneath it all, he was still Gackt and always would be.
“I’m staying with you tonight,” You said firmly.
Gackt’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m staying with you tonight,” You reiterated. “You need the sleep and I need to know that you’re alright.”
You’s words, “I need to know that you’re alright”, instantly transported Gackt back to his birthday night in Osaka, the night that You had said that to him last and the night when Gackt had finally realised what should have been obvious all along; that he loved You. Back then things had been easier between them, they hadn’t had Gackt’s unrequited love between them.
“Are you sure? I mean… It isn’t going to be…” Gackt struggled to find the right word, “awkward?”
You sighed. He understood the real question Gackt was asking of course. Will it be awkward for us to share a bed again now that you know that I love you? The fact that Gackt, usually never at a loss for words or embarrassed, couldn’t state the issue that plainly made You realise how much Gackt regretted telling him. Gackt couldn’t say the words again and had tried so hard to be friends and to put it all behind them, and You had just thrown it back at him.
Yet another thing for You to feel guilty about.
“It won’t be awkward, Gaku,” You said, “we’ve done it before.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Gackt said softly.
You sat down on the bed next to Gackt. “I know it wasn’t. I want to repair our friendship and this is one of those things that we always did together, as friends. It won’t feel awkward for me because I trust you. If it’ll be awkward for you though, I’ll understand.”
If Gackt was honest with himself, he knew that it would be more than awkward to have You in his bed again, as friends, when he wanted him there as so much more. Gackt also knew that he wanted You’s friendship again and needed his presence in order to sleep so there was no room for awkwardness or for his pride.
“It’ll be fine.”
“Good,” You said with a slightly nervous smile. “You should get in bed… unless you need my help?”
Gackt snorted. “I may be tired, but I can still manage that.”
You made no comment and walked around to the left side of the bed, his side, and lay down. He remained silent, even when it took Gackt far longer than it should have done to undress and work his way under the covers. You switched off the light but continued to lie there, eyes open and fixed on the body heat and rhythmic breathing of the man lying next to him.
You was surprised to find that it truly wasn’t awkward. He’d come into Gackt’s hotel room earlier with all guns blazing because he knew that the conversation with Gackt that was due to follow could have easily been the most difficult and awkward conversation he’d ever had, and he wanted to try and control it. You had figured out that afternoon that he had to be the one to make the first move and find a way to apologise because he knew that Gackt’s pride, no matter how tired or upset he may have felt, would never have allowed Gackt to make the first move,
The conversation that had followed had been easier than You had expected. Sure, Gackt had been angry with him at first, but You felt that it was deserved and he was surprised that Gackt’s anger had disappeared so quickly although You suspected it was Gackt’s tiredness that had calmed things down. Gackt needed him, and You was just glad that Gackt seemed to have realised that too. If Gackt hadn’t have realised that it would have made the conversation very uncomfortable.
You could feel his eyelids growing heavy, but he refused to fall asleep. He couldn’t sleep while Gackt was fidgeting next to him, obviously still awake. You always waited for Gackt to fall asleep first, just like Gackt always spoke to him before falling asleep.
“You?” Gackt said quietly and tentatively.
“Yes, Gaku?”
Gackt sighed. This was difficult for him to say. “You’ll still be here in the morning, right? I mean, we aren’t going to start ignoring each other again are we?”
“Gaku, I won’t lie to you and say that in the morning everything will be back the way it used to be because we can’t undo the last few weeks that quickly. This is a start, this is us slowly putting things back together again.”
“A start?” Gackt questioned, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
“A start,” You confirmed. “I promise you, Gaku, things will be back to normal. It will just take a little time, that’s all.”
You sounded so sure, so certain that their friendship would recover that despite the darkness Gackt found himself smiling. He suddenly felt so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Gackt recognised that finally, his brain was beginning to switch off in the same way his body already had.
Gackt yawned, fighting sleep for just a few seconds more. “Okay… I’ll see you in the morning, hmm?”
You knew that Gackt had already fallen asleep, but he answered anyway. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
TBC...
Notes
1) As I stated at the start, this was written before the release of the European tour DVD so I know that Gackt's fall didn't happen quite like this but that's why this is fiction!
2) I think we might be getting somewhere now...
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