Conversation
Just a conversation for me tonight that was meaningful....
slayrvamp42 (2:04:59 AM): hi
slayrvamp42 (2:05:00 AM): willing to talk?
bryan_pax2001 (2:05:12 AM): what's up?
slayrvamp42 (2:05:14 AM): nothing
slayrvamp42 (2:05:17 AM): working on my thesis
slayrvamp42 (2:05:20 AM): get to hit those clubs?
slayrvamp42 (2:05:26 AM): i am feeling decent
slayrvamp42 (2:05:27 AM): but tired
bryan_pax2001 (2:05:35 AM): not yet, just got home. Glad you are feeling ok
slayrvamp42 (2:05:38 AM): yeah
bryan_pax2001 (2:05:58 AM): I worry about you, plus you kind of scare me
slayrvamp42 (2:06:01 AM): i'm sorry
slayrvamp42 (2:06:05 AM): how so?
bryan_pax2001 (2:06:41 AM): You remind me a lot of who I was a couple of years ago, it makes my heart reach out for you, but yet I'm really afraid of you
slayrvamp42 (2:06:49 AM): afraid?
slayrvamp42 (2:06:51 AM): why?
bryan_pax2001 (2:07:28 AM): Because, I don't ever want to go back to being that way. I'm afraid of who I was, and afraid of what I would've done. I'm afraid of myself.
slayrvamp42 (2:07:39 AM): well you won't just talking to me
slayrvamp42 (2:07:41 AM): don't worry about it
bryan_pax2001 (2:07:51 AM): You don't understand.
slayrvamp42 (2:08:10 AM): ok
slayrvamp42 (2:08:12 AM): explain then
slayrvamp42 (2:09:03 AM): go on
slayrvamp42 (2:09:08 AM): don't hesitate
bryan_pax2001 (2:09:20 AM): well, it's was the worst time of my life. I hated myself, I hated the world, I hated everything. I wanted to check out. It took so much for me to get past that stage. It was by far the worst time in my life.
slayrvamp42 (2:09:32 AM): well, i'm not going to check out
slayrvamp42 (2:09:35 AM): i'm not that stupid
slayrvamp42 (2:09:45 AM): And I don't hate everything
slayrvamp42 (2:09:47 AM): this will be over soon
slayrvamp42 (2:10:03 AM): i just have to hold out for it
slayrvamp42 (2:10:07 AM): even if it is hard
slayrvamp42 (2:10:16 AM): the whole Brent thing keeps me going, at least somewhat. Not like i'm expecting anything really. I just do it because its important to me.
bryan_pax2001 (2:10:25 AM): I know, but like I said, I see a lot of myself in you. I know how hard of a place it can be, and I know how hard it can be to keep going sometimes, I've walked the same road
slayrvamp42 (2:10:33 AM): yeah
slayrvamp42 (2:10:37 AM): I will be alright
slayrvamp42 (2:10:40 AM): suck it up
slayrvamp42 (2:10:43 AM): that's what I always do
slayrvamp42 (2:10:45 AM): even if I do cry
bryan_pax2001 (2:11:04 AM): I hope you don't put all of your stock in Brent, I dont' mean to be a downer, and maybe things will take off, but, I hope you are realistic about the situation.
slayrvamp42 (2:11:11 AM): I am
slayrvamp42 (2:11:20 AM): i know he's probably not going to want anything to do with me. Which yeah, that's probably just my negativity talking. I'm trying to get out of that state of mind.
bryan_pax2001 (2:11:29 AM): If you don't hear from him, it's probably not because he doesn't want to know you, it's probably just because of the way his life is.
slayrvamp42 (2:11:36 AM): i know
bryan_pax2001 (2:12:18 AM): I just don't want you to look down on yourself if things don't go the way you would want them to
slayrvamp42 (2:12:28 AM): i don't know that things are going to go any way
slayrvamp42 (2:12:29 AM): i don't know
slayrvamp42 (2:12:46 AM): i don't know if i'll even see him
bryan_pax2001 (2:12:54 AM): uncertainty can be a very difficult demon to struggle with
slayrvamp42 (2:12:59 AM): its okay
slayrvamp42 (2:13:01 AM): its whatever
slayrvamp42 (2:13:18 AM): i don't expect anything
slayrvamp42 (2:13:21 AM): just the way it is
bryan_pax2001 (2:13:32 AM): I just don't want it to consume you. You say whatever like it's no big fucking thing but it is and you know it is. You have put your heart and soul into the things you have done
slayrvamp42 (2:13:38 AM): yeah
slayrvamp42 (2:13:40 AM): but its okay
slayrvamp42 (2:13:48 AM): its not as if it really means anything
slayrvamp42 (2:14:05 AM): i get used to that
slayrvamp42 (2:14:08 AM): it doesn't mean anything thing
bryan_pax2001 (2:14:09 AM): It does to you, if it didn't you wouldn't do it
slayrvamp42 (2:14:18 AM): I do it because I started it
slayrvamp42 (2:14:26 AM): and because I would hate to see it just collapse
bryan_pax2001 (2:14:36 AM): bullshit, you do it because you care about it
slayrvamp42 (2:14:44 AM): yeah, but there's nothing I can do
slayrvamp42 (2:14:53 AM): not expecting him to whatever
slayrvamp42 (2:14:59 AM): acknowledge it or anything....
slayrvamp42 (2:15:07 AM): even when he subtlely already has
bryan_pax2001 (2:15:20 AM): Do it for yourself. It's about how you feel.
slayrvamp42 (2:15:25 AM): i know
bryan_pax2001 (2:15:51 AM): You have put in a lot of work, the sites I have looked at show that.
bryan_pax2001 (2:16:44 AM): people a lot of time can't be positive about something they can't be responsible or take credit for
slayrvamp42 (2:16:49 AM): yeah
slayrvamp42 (2:16:51 AM): i know
bryan_pax2001 (2:17:08 AM): self satisfaction that's what it is all about
slayrvamp42 (2:17:13 AM): i guess
bryan_pax2001 (2:17:53 AM): bullshit. If you feel good about it, that's what matters. If you like what you see, that's what matters. If you are happy with what you have done, that's what matter.
slayrvamp42 (2:18:26 AM): I know
slayrvamp42 (2:18:37 AM): I know Vic likes it
slayrvamp42 (2:18:45 AM): the singer for his band
slayrvamp42 (2:18:49 AM): and i've sold CD's practically
slayrvamp42 (2:18:51 AM): and everything
slayrvamp42 (2:19:03 AM): its been one of the only gratifying things I do anymore
bryan_pax2001 (2:19:06 AM): wll there ya go, be proud of that.
slayrvamp42 (2:19:11 AM): otherwise school work is just going through the motions
slayrvamp42 (2:19:19 AM): its depressing
slayrvamp42 (2:19:27 AM): and I don't date
slayrvamp42 (2:19:29 AM): and I don't go out
bryan_pax2001 (2:19:32 AM): it probably will be until it's over. School is just like that.
bryan_pax2001 (2:19:53 AM): I don't know what to tell you about dating. I don't do it either. It's a big pain in the ass.
slayrvamp42 (2:19:57 AM): eh
slayrvamp42 (2:20:03 AM): i won't worry about it til I get elsewhere
bryan_pax2001 (2:20:58 AM): that's a good thing. Get right with your life, then you will be able to bring someone else in.
slayrvamp42 (2:21:10 AM): it doesn't really matter
slayrvamp42 (2:21:16 AM): I assume i'll be alone no matter what I do
slayrvamp42 (2:21:18 AM): probably will
bryan_pax2001 (2:21:34 AM): I feel the same way, but I highly doubt you will be alone.
slayrvamp42 (2:21:44 AM): probably will
slayrvamp42 (2:21:49 AM): its okay though
bryan_pax2001 (2:21:56 AM): Like I said, I doubt it.
bryan_pax2001 (2:22:01 AM): Don't fucking argue.
slayrvamp42 (2:22:06 AM): *rolls eyes*
bryan_pax2001 (2:22:11 AM): whatever
bryan_pax2001 (2:25:50 AM): have some yogurt
slayrvamp42 (2:25:55 AM): at least my mom is going to take me to eat tomorrow
slayrvamp42 (2:26:03 AM): she's coming here for the arts fair
slayrvamp42 (2:26:06 AM): and i'm seeing Sammich
slayrvamp42 (2:26:23 AM): its weird that they're coming here and I don't have to go to them
slayrvamp42 (2:26:26 AM): but its awesome
bryan_pax2001 (2:26:30 AM): that's cool
slayrvamp42 (2:26:31 AM): i'm gonna go talk to them..show up early
bryan_pax2001 (2:29:11 AM): Well, you gotta do what you feel best about
slayrvamp42 (2:29:15 AM): i guess
slayrvamp42 (2:29:17 AM): i dunno
slayrvamp42 (2:29:23 AM): i just don't feel confident enough to do it anymore
slayrvamp42 (2:29:31 AM): actually I never have
bryan_pax2001 (2:29:44 AM): well you have a lot of things going for you
slayrvamp42 (2:29:47 AM): not really
slayrvamp42 (2:29:48 AM): right now
slayrvamp42 (2:29:58 AM): people don't see it
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:01 AM): once you realize all of your potential, you'll be much better off.
slayrvamp42 (2:30:02 AM): except you maybe
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:25 AM): I see a lot of good things in you.
slayrvamp42 (2:30:31 AM): well
slayrvamp42 (2:30:34 AM): name um if you want
slayrvamp42 (2:30:40 AM): not like I want an ego boost or anything
slayrvamp42 (2:30:42 AM): but...
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:44 AM): pretty
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:47 AM): intelligent,
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:49 AM): hard working
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:51 AM): driven
bryan_pax2001 (2:30:55 AM): good hearted
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:06 AM): well spoken
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:13 AM): I could keep going
slayrvamp42 (2:31:16 AM): if you want
slayrvamp42 (2:31:17 AM): or stop
slayrvamp42 (2:31:18 AM): up to you
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:33 AM): independent
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:36 AM): strong willed
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:39 AM): stubborn
slayrvamp42 (2:31:43 AM): yeah
bryan_pax2001 (2:31:49 AM): that's not necessarily a bad thing
slayrvamp42 (2:31:52 AM): i know
bryan_pax2001 (2:32:21 AM): overall, I really feel like you are a very very good person.
slayrvamp42 (2:32:47 AM): you are the only one
slayrvamp42 (2:32:49 AM): believe me
bryan_pax2001 (2:33:28 AM): I'm sorry to hear that. Other people are missing out
bryan_pax2001 (2:34:33 AM): well you can make other friends.
slayrvamp42 (2:34:33 AM): and I just keep fighting for the day i'll be in New York
slayrvamp42 (2:34:37 AM): and I ignore the rest
bryan_pax2001 (2:34:43 AM): good plan
slayrvamp42 (2:34:44 AM): I ignore the bullshit from people
slayrvamp42 (2:34:48 AM): and I cry on my own time
slayrvamp42 (2:34:54 AM): because there's only so much you can hold in
slayrvamp42 (2:35:03 AM): you can't just suck it up all the time
slayrvamp42 (2:35:04 AM): not that easy
slayrvamp42 (2:35:09 AM): at least crying helps me get rid of some of it
slayrvamp42 (2:35:12 AM): then I move on
slayrvamp42 (2:35:13 AM): I get up
slayrvamp42 (2:35:15 AM): i do my thing
bryan_pax2001 (2:35:19 AM): Good
slayrvamp42 (2:35:20 AM): no matter how hard it gets.
slayrvamp42 (2:35:22 AM): Even if I want to be dead
slayrvamp42 (2:35:24 AM): every single day
slayrvamp42 (2:35:26 AM): i just do it
bryan_pax2001 (2:35:53 AM): You are valuable as a person, as a student, as a child, as a friend,
slayrvamp42 (2:35:54 AM): I do it so I can have a happy life one day
slayrvamp42 (2:36:04 AM): and not feel this miserable weight I feel
slayrvamp42 (2:36:19 AM): because of being in Illinois
slayrvamp42 (2:36:29 AM): and not being able to express myself because everyone is so fucking constricted
slayrvamp42 (2:36:35 AM): i'm so different
slayrvamp42 (2:36:38 AM): musicwise
slayrvamp42 (2:36:41 AM): tastewise whatever
slayrvamp42 (2:36:49 AM): and I will look back on this hard stuff and be thankful for it
slayrvamp42 (2:36:52 AM): but at the same time, when its over
bryan_pax2001 (2:36:53 AM): that's what makes you interesting
slayrvamp42 (2:36:56 AM): i will be relieved
slayrvamp42 (2:37:08 AM): I don't want to fight like this anymore
slayrvamp42 (2:37:11 AM): want to fight on my own terms
slayrvamp42 (2:37:13 AM): and be the boss
slayrvamp42 (2:37:24 AM): want to do so many good things and piss a whole bunch of people off in the process
slayrvamp42 (2:37:26 AM): to show how good I am
slayrvamp42 (2:37:36 AM): I want to be helpful to people too
slayrvamp42 (2:37:44 AM): but I want to fucking dust everyone that ever put me down for anything
slayrvamp42 (2:37:50 AM): forget them
slayrvamp42 (2:38:03 AM): show them up
bryan_pax2001 (2:38:18 AM): exactly forget them. You'll be doing better than you could've ever imagined.
slayrvamp42 (2:38:20 AM): its been people like my home friends that don't talk to me anymore
slayrvamp42 (2:38:27 AM): Its like, fuck them
bryan_pax2001 (2:38:34 AM): exactly