First post in years.
I've just been hit in the face with nostalgia... again.
I've been listening to oldie Inusyasha song, oldie Fullmental Alchemist (2003) songs, Bleach songs, basically any other pre-2008 anime song out there.
It's killing me. I'm sad. I feel like I will never recover from this, from this.. dull existence. I know I romanticize my childhood/teenage years. I had HORRIBLE moments, gut wrenching things have happened that make me curl up and cry when I think about. Why is it we romanticize the past when in actuality it was shit with a few good moments sprinkled in? Either way, I have to say, any year before 2015 was memorable and fun.
Lately I've just been so, so scared of the future and what it will bring. I'm so scared that I will never make any friends and enjoy life again. My two in real life friends have been ignoring me for the past few months. They went and saw Beauty and the Beast without me, which, well, of course they have that right to. It's just, I was so excited to see it with them, I was the one who talked about it in our group chat the most and when they started saying "Let's go see it!", I didn't think they would exclude me without telling me first. Then I saw they did go without me.
Really, it isn't about the movie, my mom and I are planning on seeing it today anyways. It's the fact they never seem to want to talk to me or see me anymore. Yesterday, I personally messaged my friend on facebook asking if she wanted to hang out next weekend, and I got nothing. I turned my chat on, and she still never replied. If I couldn't reply to my friend in a group chat, I would text her and tell her my answer. Not ignore her or dodge the question. I even asked them if they would perhaps like to go to Anime Midwest this year in the group chat, and both ignored me. Last night, they went and saw the movie again. Which is fine, we're adults and I don't expect my friends to coddle me and act as though the world revolves around me, but it still... bothers me. I don't know why. It's just hurting me and I can't explain it
This type of thing has been happening for months. I even almost snapped earlier and was about to tell them how I felt, but writing it out loud showed how immature I actually am. I don't want to sound like a child, but I feel hurt and abandoned and I feel as though the way they do these things is just downright cruel. If that sentence even made sense.
I'm so, so grateful for my internet friends because without them I would be nothing, however, I just wish I had people to hang out with in person. Being alone this much is not doing wonders for my mental state, but the more I stay away from the world the more I regress and the harder it gets.
Honestly, just the feeling of hopelessness and abandonment combined is all I feel in my heart right now. I wish I could be honest, but they will most likely just think I'm being immature and talk about me behind my back.
I just wish I could find "IRL" friends who treat me the way I would treat them.
We're all adults, they're busy, I understand that-- but it's just....
Who knows. I need a nap.
I'm gone.
I've been listening to oldie Inusyasha song, oldie Fullmental Alchemist (2003) songs, Bleach songs, basically any other pre-2008 anime song out there.
It's killing me. I'm sad. I feel like I will never recover from this, from this.. dull existence. I know I romanticize my childhood/teenage years. I had HORRIBLE moments, gut wrenching things have happened that make me curl up and cry when I think about. Why is it we romanticize the past when in actuality it was shit with a few good moments sprinkled in? Either way, I have to say, any year before 2015 was memorable and fun.
Lately I've just been so, so scared of the future and what it will bring. I'm so scared that I will never make any friends and enjoy life again. My two in real life friends have been ignoring me for the past few months. They went and saw Beauty and the Beast without me, which, well, of course they have that right to. It's just, I was so excited to see it with them, I was the one who talked about it in our group chat the most and when they started saying "Let's go see it!", I didn't think they would exclude me without telling me first. Then I saw they did go without me.
Really, it isn't about the movie, my mom and I are planning on seeing it today anyways. It's the fact they never seem to want to talk to me or see me anymore. Yesterday, I personally messaged my friend on facebook asking if she wanted to hang out next weekend, and I got nothing. I turned my chat on, and she still never replied. If I couldn't reply to my friend in a group chat, I would text her and tell her my answer. Not ignore her or dodge the question. I even asked them if they would perhaps like to go to Anime Midwest this year in the group chat, and both ignored me. Last night, they went and saw the movie again. Which is fine, we're adults and I don't expect my friends to coddle me and act as though the world revolves around me, but it still... bothers me. I don't know why. It's just hurting me and I can't explain it
This type of thing has been happening for months. I even almost snapped earlier and was about to tell them how I felt, but writing it out loud showed how immature I actually am. I don't want to sound like a child, but I feel hurt and abandoned and I feel as though the way they do these things is just downright cruel. If that sentence even made sense.
I'm so, so grateful for my internet friends because without them I would be nothing, however, I just wish I had people to hang out with in person. Being alone this much is not doing wonders for my mental state, but the more I stay away from the world the more I regress and the harder it gets.
Honestly, just the feeling of hopelessness and abandonment combined is all I feel in my heart right now. I wish I could be honest, but they will most likely just think I'm being immature and talk about me behind my back.
I just wish I could find "IRL" friends who treat me the way I would treat them.
We're all adults, they're busy, I understand that-- but it's just....
Who knows. I need a nap.
I'm gone.